It's been nearly a month since my last post. I don't know where to start, and I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but coincidentally, I've decided to stop reaching out to him again this time. I talked about not contacting him in my previous post, but after the last time I posted here, I did text him, three times, for three weeks, every Sunday afternoon. The first two times, they were decent, we had decent conversations surprisingly. He showed a bit of improvement the second time, and I had hope things would get better moving forward, even though, of course, knowing he can be inconsistent, I kept in mind it was going to be like a roller-coaster ride, but as hard as I tried to brace for the worst, I was still disappointed and frustrated with him when I sent him a text for the third time.
He took a long time to respond, and when he did reply, his responses were brief and felt uninterested. I know I shouldn't read too much into his responses, and maybe he was going through something at the time, maybe something happened to him, maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe he was fine, but he didn't just really feel like talking, and despite it feeling like two steps forward, one step back, I shouldn't let a few bad times dictate. The reason I've decided to stop reaching out to him this time isn't because I was undeniably downhearted by the way he responded, but I thought, I've tried keeping in touch with him, and it did turn out well for a few times, still, why don't I try something else? Something I tried once before, and it turned out well for a few times as well. Why don't I stop chasing him?
I don't like boasting or overestimating myself, but I'm aware I've changed a lot, I can feel it, I've grown a lot over the course of a few months, and it's hard to believe how fast my growth is, like, the person who I was, maybe four or five months ago, isn't the same person who I am today, I can't believe it myself. I've still got a long way to go, obviously, I've still got a lot of work to do (I've been going to the gym for a month now, wink wink), especially internally, but I'm more confident in myself now, I'm able to do things on my own, go to places all by myself, and I'm not as scared as I used to be, to take a step back from this companionship. It's still hard though, I still have fears, like, what if we get drifted apart, and we'd never be close again, but this time, I'm trusting God to take care of it.
The reason I'm less afraid this time is I remembered, when I was doing my foundation course, I had a friend who a lot of people were trying so hard to pursue a friendship with, and I was the only one who didn't put as much effort, yet, he'd come looking for me, and we're still friends to this day (he's one of my three avoidant friends). Maybe I stood out to him, among others, because I gave him space and time to come to me at his own time, at his own will, without forcing him, so, maybe he felt safe and comfortable with me because I didn't try to control him, maybe it made him curious about me, maybe it made him miss me. So, we'll see how this is going to turn out, and maybe I'd report back in one-month time.
PS I've been journaling almost every day.
