Happy Birthday, I Guess

    My birthday is actually tomorrow, but I wanna write this in advance.

    I don't know where to start.

    I don't know if things are gonna get any better for me this year, but I feel like, the things that happened to me in 2025, are bleeding into 2026. I've still gotta deal with the aftermath. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. I wish I could start this year in a better place. Was it expected? Absolutely yes. I knew this was how it was gonna be, but I still hope things will get better for me this year somehow: I'll find a better job, I'll get to move back to Cyber, I'll be friends again with two of my close friends, I'll get some things off my wish list and I'll be happy again, but I know most of the things probably won't happen, and it's not gonna be easy, but if they do happen, it's gonna be a miracle.

    Honestly, for my 32nd birthday, I just wanna be alone. I don't really care if no one wishes me happy birthday, or throws me a surprise party, or buys me presents. Would it be nice? Yes, but I'm still sad about losing two of my close friends. I know I probably won't hear anything from them, maybe ever again. It's probably over, and I don't know if I'd find friends like them again. Also, I wish I could buy myself some presents, maybe the Versace Goddess T-shirt in purple (dark orchid) and the Fendi Denim Jacket in chartreuse, to cheer me up a bit, but I'm broke at the moment because like I said in a previous post, I'm still recovering from financial losses last year and having a saving is more important.

    Last night, I went to a karaoke bar with my co-workers because there was a corporate event there and to be completely honest, I felt empty. Yes, I laughed, I smiled, I drank, I ate, I sang, I danced, but I felt like I should be doing this with two of my close friends. We used to do this together, and we always had a good time. If I'd known this was gonna happen, I would've not moved out of Cyber, and I would've tried to make things right so this wouldn't happen. It's frustrating because I feel like it can still be salvaged, but I don't know if they want it to be salvaged, I know I do.

PS These are the things I wanna get off my wish list this year.

    Versace Goddess T-shirt in Purple (Dark Orchid).

    Fendi Denim Jacket in Chartreuse.

    Versace Biggie Sunglasses in Neon Green.

    Versace Icon Brass Ring in Gold and Green.

In an Ideal World Pt II

     In an ideal world, we'd all still be friends. We'd go to IOI Putrajaya and we'd dine at some restaurant before heading towards the karaoke bar. While waiting for our turn, we'd go window-shopping. Let's not forget, Mr DIY is our second home. Then we'd do something outta mind like going to Fariz Maju in Bangi at midnight to have the best Maggi Goreng Mamak in the world. We'd talk about random things until 2 am when we could barely keep our eyes open and we'd go home, listening to Olivia Rodrigo in the car and go to bed without brushing our teeth but at least we had a smashing time.

In an Ideal World

    When I was living in Cyber, there's a company just across the street from this apartment and there are plenty of shops surrounding that area: a laundry bar, a grocery, restaurants and so forth. A few days ago, there was a job vacancy at the company and I applied for it. The chances of me getting called for an interview, let alone getting the job, are extremely slim but I can't help imagining how sweet it'd be if I get the job.

    I'd rent a studio apartment at the apartment building and I wouldn't have to wake up extremely early in the morning to go to work. I wouldn't even have to take Grab or drive, I'd just cross the street. I wouldn't have to bump into some ugly strangers who try to pick a fight with you because their lives are so miserable so they wanna make yours miserable too.

    At the weekend, I'd go to the laundry bar if my apartment doesn't have a washer and a dryer and to the grocery to buy groceries to cook if there's a stove at my apartment. If not, it's fine, I'd just go the restaurants. I'm sure I'd be able to save tons of money and I'd be able to buy things off my wish list again.

    It brings me to tears just at the thought of it because I feel like my life really sucks at the moment. I admit it, I haven't been happy in a very long time and I've been trying to find happiness here but I just can't. Someone told me things would get better in time and it's been nearly a year and it hasn't got any better. I'm so sick and tired of living like this and I wish more than anything I could go back to Cyber, God knows it.

    I've been applying for jobs in Cyber and I'm willing to downgrade my salary but I keep getting rejections. Every time I get a rejection, the dream of living and working in Cyber again seems farther and farther away and the hope I've been holding onto is fading. I'm scared if I'd have to live and work here for I don't know how many more years and I'd lose myself, I wouldn't recognise myself any more.

    O Allah, please help me, I'm scared and I'm tired.

Was It Just a Dream All Along?

    It’s funny how life can change.

    You can be so close to some people, texting them almost every day and in the blink of an eye, everything changes.

    No more text, no more hangout, nothing, just radio silence.

    It’s like all along it was just a dream and when you finally wake up, none of it ever happened, you’re just strangers.

    I wonder if life would always be like this. You get close to someone and then you lose that person and you’ve gotta go through the same process again and again.

Something to Look Forward To

    You've probably known this but I can't deny it, I miss my life prior to moving to Kuala Lumpur. I feel like, despite my low salary, I lived sorta luxuriously. I could buy luxurious items three to four times a year and I went home every month by flight. Maybe it's because the cost of living in Cyber is lower than in Kuala Lumpur.

    Now, although my salary is a bit higher (it's still low though), I can barely buy anything. I live from pay cheque to pay cheque, just trying to survive all by myself because I know my mum's not gonna be there for me for ever, someday, I'm gonna have to be able to stand on my own two feet and I don't know how I'm gonna do that.

    I'm scared and what makes things worse is, houses here don't feel like home. They feel like halfway houses and you can't really rest at halfway houses. In contrast, my rental house in Cyber was warm, comfortable and safe and it felt like home to me. I really wish I hadn't moved here, if I'd known what I know now.

    So, I'm planning to get a car, by the end of this year or sometime around next year, and move back to Cyber, even if I haven't got another job by then. I'd drive to Putrajaya Sentral, park my car there and take ERL to Kuala Lumpur. It's gonna cost a lot of money but I'd rather be broke but at peace than having money but being anxious.

PS I wouldn't say I've surrendered to fate but I feel like I'm less resisting some changes in my life now. I wouldn't say I'm starting to accept these changes either but some things are probably over and my life's probably never gonna be the same again and it's okay, I just go with the flow.

Fading Hope

    It's been nearly a year since I moved to Kuala Lumpur and I'm still struggling to adapt to living & working here. Every day I regret moving out of Cyber but the feeling gets stronger especially on Sunday and Monday. I hate taking the LRT and bumping into some ugly strangers who try to pick a fight with you because their lives are miserable so they wanna make yours miserable too, it's mentally and emotionally draining. Maybe living & working in Kuala Lumpur aren't just for me.

    I planned to get a car sometime around this year but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen since I'm still recovering from some financial losses last year and I've got some debts I need to settle. It feels sad to me as I need to put aside my wish list, including things I wanna get for my birthday this year. My dreams seem farther and farther away from me.

    I don't know if my life's gonna get any better, or worse, this year but what I do know is, it's better to have a calming job than a high-paying one. If you get paid a fortune but your job messes up your health, especially your mental health, it's not worth it. I used to think a job that pays you well would be good for you, hence you need to find one but I've learnt the hard way that's not always the case. Also, the location is important as well.

    I'm still hoping I'd get to move back to Cyber or Putrajaya or Bangi someday but I can feel the hope is fading.

Revisiting My Childhood

    I had a hard childhood because I grew up in poverty which I've spoken about before but I had some bittersweet memories (I had more bitter memories than the sweet ones) and one of them is RahXephon. I used to watch it after I came home from school and it resonated with me as its themes are loneliness, alienation, self-worth and so forth, all of which I struggled with when I was young.

    Some people have compared it unfavourably with the much more well-known Neon Genesis Evangelion which I've seen too but to me, they're not the same and I personally prefer the former since I feel like it's more sincere whereas the latter feels like a religious exploitation.

    It's not perfect because especially in the middle of the series, you can see the animation isn't as good as the early and the later parts of it but it still feels genuine and it's one of my favourite animes. Rewatching it brings back emotions that are complicated for me to express but they feel good.

    There are 23 episodes to go but it feels like some sort of a journey and I look forward to it.

Not This Time

    I don't know how and where to start. It's still painful to talk about.

    You'd think, after all the hardships you've been through for a year, you could at least start a new year with, I don't know, not really off to a good start but something like that, and it got single-handedly ruined by a bitter family member who can't stand seeing other people get better and revels in bringing them down so they'd be as miserable as she is. What makes the situation worse is the other family members always jump to her defence.

    But this year, I'm not letting her get away with this. She's been doing this to me for so many years and she can act like she does nothing wrong all she wants but I'm gonna ignore the hell of her existence all I want too until I get my apology.