Clarity, Clarity

    I woke up this morning with a clearer mind.

    I think, the moment when you lose interest in something that used to bring you happiness (luxury bags, clothes and shoes for me), basically, you're losing yourself, that's when you know you're not happy, in my case, at work.

    I've been wondering why I haven't been able to really connect with my workplace and at first, I thought to myself, give it some time, you've only been here less than half a year, but slowly, I'm starting to understand why. When I'm in a toxic place, I tend to detach myself from that place. It's my survival mechanism, as to not really get affected by the toxicity.

    A few nights ago, I took all my bags out and I tried them on (just what I do, for fun, from time to time) and I felt, nothing. These bags, especially the Balenciaga ones, they used to make me feel excited about life. I looked forward to sending them to the shop to get them restored.

    I felt the same way during the last days at my previous work.

    I think I know what I need to do now. I need to keep looking for another job until I find one that's better than this, before I don't know myself any more.

Miserable

    I actually wanted to post this the night before I came back here but I'm not sure, maybe I was overwhelmed by different emotions.

    So, it's only been three days since I came back here and I'm already homesick. I miss my mum terribly. I'm scared if that was the last time I saw my mum and I'd never see her again. I wish more than anything to bring her here so I could look after her and I would be less worried about her but the situation at the moment just doesn't permit it. Sometimes I'm frustrated with the world, like, why? Why are you being so unfair to me?

    When I came to work yesterday, no one asked me anything, not that I expected them to. Everyone probably thought I went back to my hometown to have fun but I went back so I could spend time with my mum because I don't know how much time is left. I always feel like I'm running outta time.

    I can't describe how miserable I've been feeling for the past three days. I don't wanna go to work, I don't feeling going out and meeting people, I just wanna lock myself in my room until I'm ready to face the world again. Nothing excites me, I've got nothing to look forward to. I smile, make jokes and laugh but deep inside, only God knows how I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like screaming because I've had enough, I really do.

    I'm just so tired. I just wanna sleep. I don't know how I'm gonna go on like this for God knows how many months or years.

Drifting

    I find myself drifting in the vast ocean, yet again. Just drifting, not knowing where the wave will take me, because no matter how hard I try to go against the current, I get nowhere. So, I just wait, and hope for the best.

    I used to hate my hometown. Life is slow here. I wanted to live in the big city because I was and still am drawn to the city lights and the skyscrapers are ever awe-inspiring and in the night, the lights glitter like diamonds, scattered across the horizon.

'It looks like the stars have been scattered across the ground. Have you ever seen anything so full of splendor?' - Dolores Abernathy, Westworld

     But behind those alluring lights and towering skyscrapers, there's ugliness too. People are cold here. When the Sky's black curtains cover the Earth and you come home from work, there's only loneliness waiting for you in the dark. Life is too hectic here too. I started to appreciate the slowness of life in my hometown.

    Cyberjaya is a good balance between my hometown and Kuala Lumpur. It's not as hectic as the latter and there's still calmness of the former. I miss it terribly. I wanna go back. I wanna live and work there. I regret coming here. It was a mistake. But maybe, I wouldn't have realised what I was gonna lose if I hadn't left, and now I know.

'Maybe this phase, however murky or still or unglamorous, is doing quiet work in the background — shaping your resilience, sharpening your clarity, preparing you for the life you do want. Growth often feels like standing still before it looks like progress.' - Chat

    I don't know how long I'm gonna have to be here before I could return home but I just hope it'll be waiting for me, like a white kingdom carved out of a brown mountain, facing a green field and a blue river.

    Oh and before I go to sleep, there's another quote I'd like to share.

'I'm not everything I want to be yet, but I'm a lot of things I wanted to be two years ago, and what a wonderful thing it is to realise that.'

    Goodnight.

Home

    So, it's been a few days since I finally got home, like, in my hometown, with my family and it feels good, to be home, after so long. It feels sorta relaxing because life is less hectic here and I said sorta because I'm like, still in a survival mode so I've got a difficulty to really relax and enjoy this one-week leave while I can but I can feel, those feelings that I've bottled up for so long, are resurfacing. This surge of all sorts of emotion makes me wanna tear up and I don't know how to express it, channel it out. Maybe I should address those feelings one by one.

    For starters, I'm not happy at my work. Yes, I came from a worse, more toxic place and I should be thankful it's less toxic here but I'm not happy because I feel like I've got no friends at all and it's so lonely. Some people are nice to me but to me, they're just co-workers. I wish I had at least someone who, I don't know, maybe I could go out after work with, vent about work and annoying co-workers to. Just a shoulder to lean on because I'm tired of having to be strong and independent all the time. I honestly don't know how long I can stay here, I feel like it's driving me mad somehow.

    My previous workplace is toxic, in fact, it's probably one of the most toxic places I've ever been in but I had lotsa friends there. Despite the toxicity, I could stay there for more than a year because I had lotsa friends, I had support. I miss watching horror films on Netflix with them during lunch. I also miss living in Cyber because it's not as hectic as KL. I wish I could go back to that time, without the annoying co-workers. Just us, doing our work while having fun. I don't know if I'd ever get to experience that again, somewhere else. It feels empty here, you come to work then you go home.