Quintessential Grunge

    I've always wanted a piece of Saint Laurent. The house, especially during Hedi Slimane-era, to me, was high punk and in my opinion, his most iconic collection was the Autumn/Winter 2013, which, the Queen of Grunge, Courtney Love, herself praised. One of the standout pieces from the collection was this powder blue cardigan.

    It was quintessential grunge and it seared into my brain but I hadn't thought of it for a long time until last week, for some reason. I was like, let me see how much it is now because it was released more than ten years ago and apparently, the price is more palatable now ($400) than it used to be ($1,300). I could only find this version, brand new, in size XS, with tags, though.

    I did think of getting the pullover version since I'm more of a pullover person than a cardigan person but it doesn't have a lining, only the cardigan does and to me, lining is one of the things that makes something feel luxurious and justifies the price.

    So I ordered one last Thursday and unfortunately, it should be delivered to my home in my hometown (I set the delivery address to my home in my hometown because I was worried it'd be delivered to my home in Kuala Lumpur when I was away for five days) tomorrow and I'm leaving tomorrow morning. So, I wouldn't be able to look at it, touch it and try it on for quite sometime. Also, I burnt my saving and broke my promise because this year I promised to buy only three luxury items a year and it wasn't a part of this year expenses, it was an impulse purchase.

    Anyway, speaking of leaving tomorrow, I don't really wanna talk about it but all I can say is, I'm leaving with a heavy heart, once again. I just hate being far away from home, especially from my mum. I wish, there was another way for me to make money, without having to be separated from my mum, so I could be with her, take care of her, spend time with her because I don't know how much time is left. I constantly feel like I'm running outta time and I'm constantly scared if something happens to her and I couldn't be there with her.

    I know I've said this many times before but I really regret moving outta Cyber. Living and working in Kuala Lumpur just amplify my loneliness. I wish I had someone, to hold me tight and tell me, 'you're not alone in this, I'm with you,' so I wouldn't feel so lonely. I don't know how long I'm gonna go on like this. I'm tired. Sometimes I just wanna run away from everything.

    God, please help me.

PS I've never really been into Saint Laurent bags but there's a pair of Jodhpur boots in black patent leather that I've been eyeing and I hope I'll get someday

Create Your Own Village

    Not long ago, I had an epiphany of some sort. As much as I like the area where I currently live in, for people who've got mental disorders like I do, in my case it's depression, Kuala Lumpur isn't the best place to live in and work at.

    Back in 2020, I used to live in Kuala Lumpur for about six months before I returned to my hometown and I used to yearn to go back to Kuala Lumpur. The skyscrapers, the city lights were awe-inspiring and life was much slower in my hometown. I still find those things awe-inspiring but I'm tired of the hustle and bustle of city life.

    Ever since I moved here, I feel like my depression has got worse and I'm becoming, angry. Little things irk me and I curse more than I used to and I don't like it and I'm scared of the person I'm becoming.

    I'm not entirely sure if I romanticise the past but I feel like, when I lived in and worked at Cyber, I was more at peace than I am now. That's why I wanna go back to living in and working at a smaller city.

Fake Friends

     Salah satu ujian yang aku hadapi tahun ni, selain daripada kerja, ialah kawan - kawan, fake friends—to be exact.

    Lepas aku berhenti kerja dekat satu company dekat Cyber hujung tahun lepas, someone who I considered a friend, terus tak balas mesej aku. Bukan dia je, ada beberapa orang lagi but I was especially disappointed in him because I thought he was a real friend. Nevertheless, I thought I was gonna be fine because I had other friends but then I lost more "friends", one by one, some left me, others, I left them, for valid reasons.

    Aku mengaku, aku pun ada kekurangan, aku pun buat salah, aku pun manusia juga tapi bila aku buat silap, aku boleh mengaku dan minta maaf tapi tak ramai orang boleh mengaku dan minta maaf untuk salah silap diaorang.

    I'm not perfect, I'm not the best friend, but I try to be there for my friends, through thick and thin. Sometimes, trying to be there for them, cause me troubles, but I didn't really care because I know how it feels to go through things and no one's there for you so I didn't want them to feel alone in whatever they're going through.

    Nonetheless, not many people are willing to do the same for me. I used to have more friends than I do now but whenever I had to brave the storms, I still had to do it all by myself. I can't deny it, I resent them for that but still, I kept it to myself because maybe they were going through things too and they couldn't be there for me.

    Am I a fool? Maybe I am, but I'd rather be a fool than a fake friend. Sometimes, I miss these fake friends, I miss going out with them, I miss making jokes and laughing with them but fake friendships can't last for ever, because, well, they're fake. I don't know if I'd ever find real friends so I imagine I'm still friends with these fake friends. In my imagination, they're not fake, they're always there for me and it helps a bit.