Fuck My Life

    Just when I'd thought things couldn't get worse, they did.

    I've been heavily medicated for the past five days and it hasn't really got any better, I'm still groggy most of the time. I had a health scare recently, hence why I've been on medications. I'm supposed to take them for about a month and supposedly, the side effects would get less bad after a week but so far, like I've just said, they don't seem to get much better.

    It sucks because I'm trying to enjoy holidays with my family (I'm back in my hometown for a few days) but I can't, I'm so tired, I just wanna sleep all the time. This whole situation makes me feel sad about my life because I've spent all my savings and now I've gotta live off my mum. It doesn't feel good at all. It feels so shitty. I feel like shit.

    I'd really thought things couldn't get worse but they did. 2025 hasn't been a good year for me. I'm ending it on a bad note but you know what? I don't care. I just wanna start a new chapter and I wish I could start by not having to go back to Kuala Lumpur. I hate it. I wish I could stay here with my mum until I'm ready to face the world again and I wish I could move back to Cyber or Putrajaya or Bangi with her.

    God, I wish time would just stop so I could rest. I'm so tired.

A Moment of Clarity

    It's three o'clock in the morning and I've just had a moment of clarity.

    Yesterday, after I performed my Maghreeb prayer, I had an urge to text someone, to reconnect with this person. If you've read my previous posts, you probably know who this person is: it's my former close friend. I've been struggling since we fell out and I thought of making things right with her before New Year but then, I was encumbered by slumber, as if there was a force that prevented me from doing so.

    I woke up at dead of night. My bedside lamp hadn't been switched off. I sat in my bed, in my dimly-lit room and I just had this thought, an epiphany of some sort: why should I reconnect with this person? Not just her but some other people too.

    When we were friends, when we went out, I'd post stories of us hanging out on Instagram and I'd tag them but they never reposted them. This may sound trivial but it makes me wonder, were they ashamed to be seen with me? Am I not cool enough to them? It's funny because they'd repost other people's stories, just not mine.

    I think, if the core, or the foundation of a friendship is festered by an issue like this, the relationship will eventually and inevitably crumble.

    The other day, I texted our mutual friend, another former close friend of mine, asking her if she'd like to hang out with me because her workplace is so near to my apartment and she never responded. I highly doubt she didn't see the text so I deleted it.

    This moment of clarity feels sorta sad but it feels more relieving, I think, to be able to really see things as they are at last and I wanna put every bad thing behind before New Year. It saddens me how the friendship ended, after going through so much and we had so many good memories. I don't know how things are gonna be next year, but I hope it'll get better, somehow.

PS Do you remember when you posted that story with a song that says, 'you're everything I need?'

In My Imagination, I'm Surrounded by My Friends

    So, it's been two weeks since I moved here and I like it because one, the house is bigger, two, my housemate is rarely home so I get the house all to myself and three, I can cook but I don't really feel comfortable cooking because it's not my house, you know, unless I rent the whole house so I'm not sharing it with anyone and one thing I don't like it is it doesn't have a dryer so every Sunday morning I've gotta go to the laundry bar to do my laundry.

    Anyway, I'm still struggling to cope with the crippling loneliness. I mean, loneliness has always been one of the things I struggle with, it's one of the major themes of my life, but this time, I feel like I'm struggling even more. Maybe it's because I used to do things all by myself and then I met some people and we became friends and we did things together but now I've gotta do things all by myself again and that's what I struggle with. There are no more hangouts to look forward to. If I wanna go to the shopping centre, I've gotta go there, alone.

    So sometimes I imagine I'm surrounded by my friends so I don't feel so alone. It's not like I talk to them, I just picture them in my mind and in my mind, we're still friends and we'll always be so. We'd do things together and we'd always have a good time, just like we used to. This is my coping mechanism, I guess. Imagination. I imagine to escape from the cold reality and the cruel world so life doesn't seem so bleak and hopeless.

    I wonder if I'd ever find good close friends again. I don't like self-pity but I'm scared. What's gonna happen to me? Am I gonna spend the rest of my life like this? Will I ever be truly happy and at peace again? I'm getting older and weaker, I'm not as strong as I used to be. I used to brave and adventurous and fearless but now I'm afraid to leave the house. I wish I had someone to be here with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything's gonna alright, to drive me to places, to take care of me, to embrace me at night so I don't feel so scared.

    At this point, I don't know if I'd ever get to go back to Cyber. It seems so distant. I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I go through days, not really living, but just waiting, for something, I don't know, maybe to change my life for the better.

PS I'm financially strapped this month because of the move but I bought the Coach ringer T-shirt in red and white anyway because I just need something to, I don't know, maybe to look forward to.

Life Update?

    So, it's been a week since I moved in here and so far, I like it, I guess but we'll see how I'll feel about it after a month. There are definitely pros and cons, such as, the room's smaller, there's no dryer but the house's bigger, there's a kitchen. I'm still adjusting to the changes and it's gonna take sometime to really get used to the place. Do I feel better now? Maybe, just a bit, just because I no longer have to go to the LRT station where the incident took place. Having to go there almost every day was like having to relive the trauma again and again. Anyway, my housemate's rarely at home so I get the house all to myself and I'm not complaining. I do wish I had someone who I could talk to, cook with, eat with, watch TV with and so on.

    Speaking of having someone I could talk to, I'm still reeling from the loss of my close friends. Although I'm hurt by them, I still miss them so much. I think of them almost every day. I wish I could see them at the shopping centres like we used to, talk to them, tell them everything that has happened in my life and I'd listen to their stories but as days go by, it feels more and more unlikely to happen again. I guess I haven't fully accepted the loss. I wish I could just text them and everything would be okay again. I wish it was that simple to reconcile but it's not. Losing them makes me even more lonely living in a big city. I've been trying to go on with my life without them but it's been so hard and I don't know if I'd ever find friends like them again.

    Anyway, I cooked Chinese fried rice today (it was my first time cooking at a rental house) and I watched Cassie Thorpe on TV. I've said this before but I wish I was as rich as she is and I could get the things I want. With my current salary, I need to save for months before I could afford something luxurious and I'm only able to buy a few luxury items a year. Imagine if I'd earned at least RM5,000 a month, or RM7,500, or even better, RM10,000, I could tick off the items in my wish list one by one. Despite everything that's going on in my life, I still look forward to growing my collection. I can't wait to get my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau restored, the vintage Fendi denim jacket in lime green, the Coach ringer T-shirt in white and red and so on.

This City's Gonna Break Your Heart

    I've had an anger issue since I was at a tender age because of all the stuff that happened to me but when I was working in Cyber, I was told I was very calm, even in difficult situations. I myself could feel inside how calm I had become and I was proud of myself because I'd come a long way but ever since I moved to Kuala Lumpur, I feel like I'm becoming angry again. Not just angry but irritable, depressed and anxious too. I get irritated by small stuff, life seems bleak to me and I'm constantly thinking of what's gonna happen. It's hard for me to really rest and be at ease here. I've constantly gotta be on guard and it's tiring. I don't like the person I'm becoming.

    I've mentioned this in my previous post but I used to look forward to my next luxury purchases. My Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau used to make me feel excited about life but now, I don't really feel anything. I still cherish all my luxury items and I'm thankful to have them because they mean a lot to me, they are what I wanted when I was younger but I couldn't afford them. I still wanna grow my collection because they're like trophies for my achievements.

    I'm moving out tomorrow (my current place doesn't feel the same any more after the incident) and I wish I was moving to Cyber but sadly, I'm moving to somewhere nearby, just one station away. I've packed some of my belongings but I've got a long way to go and to be completely honest, mentally, I'm not here. Everything feels so heavy. I wish I had someone to help me and a car as well so I could do it at my own pace. Anyway, I don't know whether this move is gonna make me feel any better or worse but I'm only renting for six months before I've gotta make up my mind.

I'm Scared

'The blank pages of my diary

That I haven't touched since you left me

The closed blinds in my home

See no light of day

Dust gathers on my stereo

'Cause I can't bare to hear the radio

The piano sits in a shaded space

With a picture of your face

Coffee stains on your favorite book

Remind me of you, so I can't take a look

The magazines you left on the floor

You won't need them anymore

A towel left hanging on the wall

No sign of wet footsteps in the hall

There's no smell of your sweet cologne

I'm lying here alone'

    It's been months since I lost my close friends and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the loss. I'd thought we'd be friends until we're old, I'd thought we'd grow old together but sadly, that's not gonna happen.

    It's hard because we'd been friends for years and we went through a lot together and we had so many good memories together but now we're like enemies and the way the friendship ended makes it harder.

    On top of that, with everything that's going on in my life like my struggle to adjust to living and working in Kuala Lumpur and not having them to talk to or hang out with makes it even more hard.

    I can't deny, I feel like shit. Maybe I wouldn't feel as shitty if I were living and working in Cyber or if I've got someone else.

    I wish I could go back, to the time when we were still friends and if I'd known what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have come here.

Running Up That Hill

    I don't know how to start this post. I went through a lot yesterday and today. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'd just skip the first half of yesterday and tell what happened the second half of yesterday and today.

    First of all, I didn't even wanna go out initially because, a few nights ago, I received some texts from my former close friend and they felt like a punch in the gut. So, I was sad, hurt, frustrated and disappointed, I still am, it's gonna take sometime. I had hoped we could be friends again but now I truly know it's over.

    I played pickleball in the morning and I met some friends and new people. I don't feel like going into the details at the moment. Then I went to Bangi for a job interview the next day. Going back to Bangi felt surreal and it was an emotional experience for me, I miss it and I wish I could live and work there. It's obviously less hectic than Kuala Lumpur so I immediately felt better. Of course, the emotional attachment plays a part as well.

    But, I'd forgotten to print out a copy of my SPM and degree transcripts for the interview so after checking into Tenera Hotel, I went to Print Expert at Bangi Gateway but by the time I got there, the shop was closed. I didn't know where else to go. I walked around, asked strangers, no one knew any other printing shops and the night was falling. I was pacing around in Plaza Bangi Perdana and I saw a front desk clerk for a hotel there.

    I asked her if she could print out for me and at first, she seemed hesitant but I begged her to help me so she did and for that, I'm very thankful. Then, I needed to get a pair of track bottoms because I didn't have one but there was no shop at Bangi Gateway and in the surrounding area that sells track bottoms. I remember there's a sports shop near Fariz Maju so I had to walk from Bangi Gateway to the shop. It might not seem that far, by car, but by foot, it's completely different.

    The walk in the dark got me emotional because seeing the houses lit up inside, knowing there are families living there, made me wish I owned one of the houses too. I used to dream of owning a luxurious, sexy apartment but as I get older, I also get more realistic and a terraced house doesn't sound so bad. I also wish I'd taken some photos but my phone ran outta battery.

    After walking a long distance, I got there at last. I bought the track bottoms and I thought, while I was there, I might as well have dinner at Fariz Maju. I used to go there with my close friends but since we're no longer friends, that was my first time going there all by myself and of course, I ordered what we used to always order: double fried Maggi with a sunny side up egg which is the best fried Maggi I've ever tasted.

    Once I had my dinner, I looked around for a power outlet to charge my phone so I could get a Grab to go back to the hotel and I couldn't find one. I went as far as Kompleks Sukan Seksyen 15 but I still couldn't find one until I walked to Galaxy Futsal. Once my phone came alive again, I ordered a Grab but to no avail. No one wanted to take me. I waited so long and I figured, I might as well just walk back to the hotel which is like 2 km from the place.

    If you've been to Bangi, you know the roads near Bangi Gateway can get crazy but I walked anyway, passing by the fire station, the school, the night market and the factories. I can't remember the last time I did something crazy like that but it made me sad because, I've been through so much and I still had to do something like that. I wish I had a car so I didn't have to go through what I went through.

    When I got to the hotel, I was drenched in sweat and I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I went to my room and called my mum before going to bed. I wanted to have a shower but I was beat.

    The next day, I woke up early to get ready for the interview which I failed and I had breakfast afterwards at the hotel which was mediocre. Then I went home. So, it was all for nothing. It was a waste of my time, my money and my energy. I guess the only good takeaway from this experience is, I can now consider settling down in Bangi, not just Cyber.

I Remembered

    It's been a while since my last post and I've just realised it's also been a while since the last time I posted a photo here. I've taken many photos but I've never posted them anywhere because they're so personal to me so maybe I should post them here.

    Anyway, last weekend, I went back to my hometown. It felt good, I mean, it's always nice to see my mum and spend time with her. I just feel safe and peaceful around her. I wish I could stay with her and look after her but at the same time, I know I can't stay there.

    Last month, I returned to my hometown and I visited a shopping centre. Before I went home, I wanted to take a stroll in the department store, just for the sake of nostalgia, and as I was walking there, one of the sales assistants glared at me and I hadn't seen that glare in a very long time but I remembered it, that sneery glare.

    It's the same glare that people in my hometown had been shooting at me since I was at second school and it used to bother me a lot. It made me feel like I was some sort of a freak when I just dressed better than most people and I've always liked to dress up.

    In Kuala Lumpur, most people don't even bat an eye at you. Also, if you think you're overdressed, there are others who are more overdressed than you. Only several (kampung, rempit, PPRT, miskin, kelas bawahan) would glare at you like the people in my hometown do.

    As much as I hate Kuala Lumpur, that's one of the things I like about it. You can be yourself, you don't have to hide it to please people around you. On the contrary, those people are looked down upon here because of their awful attitudes.

    It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I've got a thicker skin now and I'm more self-assured but I was like, that's one of the reasons I can't live and work in my hometown. Many people there are narrow-minded and they'd make you feel like you're the problem.

    Anyway, having to be separated from my mum, again, is always hard. I wish so badly I had someone here with me, to take care of me on days I can barely take care of myself, to drive me to work and take me home so I wouldn't have to take the dreadful public transport, to cook for me so I'd feel less homesick, to cheer me up when I'm down, to watch TV with me so I wouldn't have to watch it all by myslef, to talk to me until I fall asleep, to embrace me when I sleep so I wouldn't feel so lonely.

Disconnected

    Have you ever been surrounded by people you know but you still felt like you're all alone?

    That's how I felt today, at work, and I feel guilty for feeling that way.

    I've been struggling to adjust to my new workplace, and I know it's not my fault, or anyone's fault either, I just don't really fit in here. There are people who I get on with, but there's no one I can really call a friend. So, sometimes, the interactions feel, fake and forced.

    I think it might hurt my co-workers' feelings if they find out I've been feeling this way, or maybe they've been feeling the same way with me, I don't know but I think, if I'm leaving this place one day, I'm not gonna regret it. I might miss some parts of it but that's it.

    It's hard to be somewhere, almost every day, and feel like, there's no one who you can really talk to and get you. It's such a lonely experience. It's a torture no one can see but only you can feel it and you've gotta go on, pretending like you're fine when you're not.

    I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here but I hope, someday, when I get another job, I'll never have to go through this, ever again.

PS I just wanna stress again that if you've a got mental disorder like I do (in my case, it's depression and anxiety), don't come and live and work in Kuala Lumpur, it's gonna make your mental disorder worse. It's not for people like us.

A Café in Downtown Kuala Lumpur

    Last Friday, I had a date (not a romantic one) after work with an old friend from uni. Funnily, we'd never hung out, we'd only spoken via Instagram because we met on an app. Nevertheless, he's been supportive to me and I missed hanging out with a friend (still do) so I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said yes.

    We went to a café near my workplace which is in the middle of Kuala Lumpur but surprisingly there weren't many people around us. We ordered some tea and we just sat there, drinking and talking for hours in the cold air as the night was falling. It was a beautiful moment and thinking about it gets me emotional, probably because I've been through a lot this year and I miss my close friends and I wish I could hang out with them like this again.

    It's one of those moments when I wish I could be in that moment for ever but time stops for no one. Life goes on regardless of what happens to you. You could have a moment all to yourself, for a while but soon, you've gotta get up and move on.

A Glimpse of Myself

    I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a fleeting moment of, 'I'm happy with myself, and the way I look, despite whatever I've been going through.'

    Ever since I was a child, I've always had an issue with my body. I used to be skinny, I weighed 45 kg and I hated myself, my body and the way I looked. Then I gained weights and I became overweight. I don't remember how much I weighed at that time but I think I weighed more than 60 kg and one of my former lovers, Shorty, rejected me because, in his words, I was fat.

    I fell into depression and I lost weights. I think I weighed about 50 kg to 52.5 kg at that time and I loved the way I looked, I wasn't thin but I wasn't fat either. Only then, Shorty accepted me.

    Slowly, over time, I gained weights again and now I weigh about 60 kg. I wish I could weigh 50 kg to 52.5 kg again but it's been challenging to shed weights.

    Today, I went to have lunch somewhere and there was this guy in a check shirt and he's probably one of the most good-looking guys I've ever seen in real life and he seemed so self-assured. I just felt insecure and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wish I could be like him. He radiates with confidence.

    Sometimes, I do feel fat and ugly even though I know I'm not fat and ugly and I should be thankful because there are unfortunate-looking people out there.

    I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just wish I'd lose some weights so I wouldn't be so self-conscious about my body.

Life's Too Short

    I went to the rooftop of my apartment. From there, I could see the city, the city lights, the hustle & bustle of city life, the traffic and the buildings & the skyscrapers. It was breathtaking.

    At the rooftop, there's a place where you can have a barbecue and it's decorated with fairy lights. I wish I was still friends with some people and we could hang out there, talking for hours until midnight.

    I wish they could see what I see: there's still beauty in the chaos we call world and life's too short for some fights so why don't we savour it while we can?

    I think, many people are too driven by their emotions, their judgements are clouded, they're not able to see and think clearly. I wish they'd realise it one day and regret it because we could've created so many memories together.

    Anyway, despite the breathtaking view and how convenient this place is, I'm glad I don't have enough money at the moment to buy a house. At first, I'd wanted to settle down here but after the incident, I was like, no. I would've regretted it for the rest of my life. Maybe it's better if you drive a car but it's a whole different situation when you take the public transport. Sometimes you like a place but not the population. Maybe next time I should rent somewhere else for sometime and see if it works for me and if it's up to my standards.

Dazed and Wondering What Lies Ahead

    I used to look forward to my next luxury purchase but now I'm not sure what I look forward to.

    I wish I had someone here with me, to take care of me on days I can barely take care of myself, to drive me to work so I don't have to take public transport, to embrace me when I feel scared, lonely and homesick.

    I feel like I'm floating in the middle of a vast ocean, again, not knowing where to go and what's going to happen to me, so, I just let the waves drift me to wherever it's going.

    I wonder if there'd ever be a day when everything has come together and I'd feel complete, at last.

2025 Isn't My Year

    Some days, I'm okay, other days, I'm not. I'm still recovering from that incident.

    I can safely say, 2025 has not been my year and I can't wait for 2026. I normally get sad on New Year's Eve but I don't really mind leaving everything behind. Just end the chapter and start a new one.

    I've lost so many things this year: close friends, job, safe place, sense of safety. Only God truly knows how heartbreaking it's been for me and how many times I just wanna give up. It's probably one of the hardest years in my entire life.

    Last night, I dreamt of meeting one of my close friends that I've lost and in that dream, we're still friends but when I woke up this morning, the cold reality hit me and I just felt depressed. Among all things that I've lost this year, losing my close friends is probably the hardest part.

    I wish we're still friends, somehow and we'd go the shopping centres, the cinemas, the karaoke bars together and have a good time like we always used to and maybe I wouldn't feel as awful but deep in my heart, I can feel it's over.

    I don't know what the future holds for me and I'm not hopeful but I still hope, that things will get better, somehow.

I Wish I Could Stay Here

    A day after the incident, which I'm still recovering from, I had to go to a clinic because I was forced to get an MC instead of taking an EL as I didn't wanna leave the house and see anyone. I had to push myself to get up, have a shower, pray and get dressed before going to the clinic since it was getting dark and I didn't wanna be out at dusk.

    As I was leaving my apartment block, it started pouring so I took shelter in a nearby shopping centre. I was soaked and I thought to myself, 'this isn't gonna go well.' I'd been anxious to see the doctor, like, what if he'd refuse to give me an MC? What if he wouldn't believe me?' I went to the toilet, to try to make myself look at least a bit presentable.

    After the rain became lighter, I walked to the clinic, which, luckily, is just across the shopping centre. I entered it. It was dim and there was no one, except the front desk clerk who was surprisingly pleasant. She registered me and told me to wait in the waiting area which is sorta cozy because there are lotsa couches but I was still ridden with anxiety.

    A few minutes later, my name was called. I entered the consultation room and I was greeted by a seemingly pleasant man. He asked me what brought me there and I didn't plan to tell him what happened but I just, broke down. Thankfully, he just listened to me the entire time, he didn't dismiss me or invalidate me, he didn't make fun of me.

    At the end of the consultation, he gave me the MC, without questioning me and I left the room, feeling super thankful and touched, despite what'd just happened to me the day before. Everyone was nice to me and I just felt so safe there, I wish I could stay there, in that moment, for ever. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

PS I'm in my hometown for a few days and I dread to go back there. I wish I had someone I could go home to, someone who would protect me, take care of me and make me feel safe again.

The Path Less Trodden

    It's been a while since my last post and recently, I experienced something traumatic. A few days ago, I was harassed by a female demon in the train and I don't wanna go into the details because it's still too traumatising to talk about it. Talking about it feels like reliving it and I don't wanna relive it.

    What I can say is, it's changed my view of people. It's made me more wary of my surroundings, especially when I go out, I've gotta really be on guard because you'll never know when someone's gonna come at you. Since then, I've been taking the path less trodden, to avoid people as much as possible.

    I'm doing a bit better now but I'm still recovering from the incident and I reckon it's gonna take a long time for me to make a full recovery. It's been extremely challenging. The first night, I could barely sleep because I was shaking with anger. I had to take a medical leave the next day because I didn't get enough rest.

    I wish I could beat that rubbish, maybe that'd make me feel better but I've gotta let God deal with her and I pray He will make her so much more miserable than she clearly already is. I hope she'll never be happy for what she did to me and she'll live in misery for the rest of her pathetic life and die a painful death and rot in hell for ever.

Distant

     It's been a while since my last post and things haven't changed at all. I'm still working at that shithole and I still feel miserable. I feel like, day by day, my dream of going back to Cyber, is getting farther and farther away. I don't know if I'd ever get to return there . I plan to move there April next year, regardless whether I've got a job there or not, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

    I've only been here for half a year but it feels like it's been years. That's how bad it is. I've actually been wanting to write this but I've just got no energy. Living and working in KL, especially at a toxic place, just drain the life outta you, your happiness, your dreams and your hopes until there's only a shell of you. You feel indifferent towards things that used to make you happy, excited and look forward to.

    I honestly don't know how I'm still able to keep going, I truly believe it's God who keeps me going, and my mum, but I don't know how long I can keep going like this. I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanna sleep and rest.

Quintessential Grunge

    I've always wanted a piece of Saint Laurent. The house, especially during Hedi Slimane-era, to me, was high punk and in my opinion, his most iconic collection was the Autumn/Winter 2013, which, the Queen of Grunge, Courtney Love, herself praised. One of the standout pieces from the collection was this powder blue cardigan.

    It was quintessential grunge and it seared into my brain but I hadn't thought of it for a long time until last week, for some reason. I was like, let me see how much it is now because it was released more than ten years ago and apparently, the price is more palatable now ($400) than it used to be ($1,300). I could only find this version, brand new, in size XS, with tags, though.

    I did think of getting the pullover version since I'm more of a pullover person than a cardigan person but it doesn't have a lining, only the cardigan does and to me, lining is one of the things that makes something feel luxurious and justifies the price.

    So I ordered one last Thursday and unfortunately, it should be delivered to my home in my hometown (I set the delivery address to my home in my hometown because I was worried it'd be delivered to my home in Kuala Lumpur when I was away for five days) tomorrow and I'm leaving tomorrow morning. So, I wouldn't be able to look at it, touch it and try it on for quite sometime. Also, I burnt my saving and broke my promise because this year I promised to buy only three luxury items a year and it wasn't a part of this year expenses, it was an impulse purchase.

    Anyway, speaking of leaving tomorrow, I don't really wanna talk about it but all I can say is, I'm leaving with a heavy heart, once again. I just hate being far away from home, especially from my mum. I wish, there was another way for me to make money, without having to be separated from my mum, so I could be with her, take care of her, spend time with her because I don't know how much time is left. I constantly feel like I'm running outta time and I'm constantly scared if something happens to her and I couldn't be there with her.

    I know I've said this many times before but I really regret moving outta Cyber. Living and working in Kuala Lumpur just amplify my loneliness. I wish I had someone, to hold me tight and tell me, 'you're not alone in this, I'm with you,' so I wouldn't feel so lonely. I don't know how long I'm gonna go on like this. I'm tired. Sometimes I just wanna run away from everything.

    God, please help me.

PS I've never really been into Saint Laurent bags but there's a pair of Jodhpur boots in black patent leather that I've been eyeing and I hope I'll get someday

Create Your Own Village

    Not long ago, I had an epiphany of some sort. As much as I like the area where I currently live in, for people who've got mental disorders like I do, in my case it's depression, Kuala Lumpur isn't the best place to live in and work at.

    Back in 2020, I used to live in Kuala Lumpur for about six months before I returned to my hometown and I used to yearn to go back to Kuala Lumpur. The skyscrapers, the city lights were awe-inspiring and life was much slower in my hometown. I still find those things awe-inspiring but I'm tired of the hustle and bustle of city life.

    Ever since I moved here, I feel like my depression has got worse and I'm becoming, angry. Little things irk me and I curse more than I used to and I don't like it and I'm scared of the person I'm becoming.

    I'm not entirely sure if I romanticise the past but I feel like, when I lived in and worked at Cyber, I was more at peace than I am now. That's why I wanna go back to living in and working at a smaller city.

Fake Friends

     Salah satu ujian yang aku hadapi tahun ni, selain daripada kerja, ialah kawan - kawan, fake friends—to be exact.

    Lepas aku berhenti kerja dekat satu company dekat Cyber hujung tahun lepas, someone who I considered a friend, terus tak balas mesej aku. Bukan dia je, ada beberapa orang lagi but I was especially disappointed in him because I thought he was a real friend. Nevertheless, I thought I was gonna be fine because I had other friends but then I lost more "friends", one by one, some left me, others, I left them, for valid reasons.

    Aku mengaku, aku pun ada kekurangan, aku pun buat salah, aku pun manusia juga tapi bila aku buat silap, aku boleh mengaku dan minta maaf tapi tak ramai orang boleh mengaku dan minta maaf untuk salah silap diaorang.

    I'm not perfect, I'm not the best friend, but I try to be there for my friends, through thick and thin. Sometimes, trying to be there for them, cause me troubles, but I didn't really care because I know how it feels to go through things and no one's there for you so I didn't want them to feel alone in whatever they're going through.

    Nonetheless, not many people are willing to do the same for me. I used to have more friends than I do now but whenever I had to brave the storms, I still had to do it all by myself. I can't deny it, I resent them for that but still, I kept it to myself because maybe they were going through things too and they couldn't be there for me.

    Am I a fool? Maybe I am, but I'd rather be a fool than a fake friend. Sometimes, I miss these fake friends, I miss going out with them, I miss making jokes and laughing with them but fake friendships can't last for ever, because, well, they're fake. I don't know if I'd ever find real friends so I imagine I'm still friends with these fake friends. In my imagination, they're not fake, they're always there for me and it helps a bit.

Retrospective

    Ada hari tu, aku saja cari satu kedai ni dekat Sunway Pyramid. Aku ingat lagi nama kedai tu, The Perfume Shop, sebab shop assistant kedai tu berlagak gila nak mampus padahal bukan authorised reseller macam Sephora pun. Masa tu aku nak lawat Sam, tahun 2014 tak silap aku. Sambil tu, aku ingat aku nak beli hadiah untuk dia so aku pun pergilah kedai tu. Shop assistant tu perempuan Cina kurus, muka macam sial, rambut karat. Aku tanya dia, ada tak Versace Eros. Dia tak pandang aku langsung, dia pergi ambil fragrance tu lepas tu dia hentak atas meja sambil asah kuku. Bila aku tanya dia berapa harga, dia buat tulis dalam calculator lepas tu dia lempar calculator tu atas meja. Memang aku belah teruslah. Biadab, lahanat.

    Okay lah, aku mengaku, masa tu, aku miskin. Duit ada sikit je, tak mampu pun nak beli. Lepas tu, bersiap pun ala kadar je tapi kau pun shop assistant je, untuk small business, lol, so, tak payah acah - acah macam kau kerja untuk Versace. Fast forward to eleven years later, aku saja cari kedai tu and guess what? Dah lama tutup, hahaha! Tengok page kedai tu dekat Facebook, kali terakhir update tahun 2017. Kena cari kerja lainlah ye, babi? Hahaha, tulah, berlagak sangat, kan dah kena balasan tapi kau tahu apa, kau kafir.

    Anyway, it made me think sebab beg Balenciaga Part Time vert d'eau aku ni released tahun 2014. Dulu, memang aku tak mampulah nak beli beg ni, tak pernah terlintas pun dalam kepala masa tu nak beli because it seemed so, impossible walaupun aku tanya Chat, dia kata harga beg ni masa tu RM5,000+++ je (aku kata je bukan sebab sikit but compared to the current prices of luxury bags, it's very low) but thanks to the pre-loved market, I can now buy things I couldn't afford in the past and it's sorta hard to describe the feelings, there's a pang of retrospective sympathy for my younger self but there's also gratitude.

    Beg Balenciaga Part Time gris glace aku ni pula released tahun 2012. Can you imagine me carrying the bag to class during my foundation course days at UiTM Alor Gajah? I would be turning people's heads, hahaha, but looking back, I know maybe it's for the best I couldn't afford these bags for a number of reasons: too many evil eyes, they wouldn't fit my lifestyle at the time, hence, I wouldn't be able to take a good care of them even though I still like to reimagine those memories differently regardless.

Nothing Much, Really

    It's been nearly two weeks since the last time I posted here and it's not like I don't feel like writing, I've just got nothing interesting to write about. Sure, I can write about my foundation course days but I can only write about that sort of subject at the weekend as it requires some concentration: I've gotta focus and mentally travel back in time to really capture the emotions, if you know what I mean, so I can't do that on week days since I've got no energy left after coming home from work.

    Speaking of work, it's been fine so far for the past two weeks but I'm still on guard because I just can't let my guard down, after everything that happened to me, things will never be the same again. I haven't really been looking for another job lately, as much as I hate this place, as much as I wanna go back to Cyber, because I just feel like it's not the time yet. I've received some calls but none of them is good, unfortunately. So, I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here.

    Anyway, I've really wanting to get my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau restored since not only it's one of my most treasured belongings but it's also been making me a bit excited and hopeful about life, but my saving is still growing so it just sorta feels premature to do it now. I guess, maybe I'd do it in this December or January next year, inshallah, if everything goes as planned, it typically doesn't but I'm excited to see it get restored to its former glory, I hope.

What Keeps Me Going

    Aku baru habis basuh dan kering kain bila tiba - tiba, aku rasa sedih. Aku teringat hujung minggu masa aku tinggal dekat Cyber dulu. I still remember the sound of cicadas buzzing, the heat of afternoon, the silence and the occasional sound of trains passing by. Oh, I miss all that.

    Ni bilik - bilik yang aku cakap dalam post sebelum ni. Tengok gambar - gambar ni je dah buat aku rasa macam nak menangis but hopeful and excited about life somehow. My previous room wasn't as big and beautiful as these rooms tapi kalau aku dapat balik sana, aku nak sewa bilik macam ni. It's RM100 cheaper than my current room even though it's bigger and more beautiful.

    Bila aku teringat esok nak kena pergi kerja, aku terus rasa depressed. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here. I'm not happy here. I dread to go to work. I feel extremely heavy to wake up. I get anxious just at the thought of it. Sigh. Ya Allah, keluarkanlah aku dari tempat ini.

An Honest Dilemma

    I've actually got so many things to write about but I'm not sure which one to write because all I can think of at the moment is to go back to Cyber. A few days ago, I applied for a job there and I want that job so badly, God knows how much I want that job and I don't wanna get ahead of myself but I've already started looking for a room to rent. If I ever got that job, I think I would honestly cry because it'd be a dream come true. I've applied for countless jobs in Cyber I've lost count but this one just makes sense. It's actually near my previous workplace and where I used to live.

    I admit, moving outta Cyber was probably one of my biggest mistakes. I was desperately looking for a job after my contract at my previous workplace ended and I could only find a job in Kuala Lumpur. I could've stayed there while working in Kuala Lumpur but the commute would be costly and draining because I would have to wake up very early and book a Grab to get to Putrajaya Sentral and subscribe to ERL monthly pass and it's just not sustainable.

    At the same time, I still weirdly feel like it's not the time yet to return to Cyber, as much as I wanna work there. It just feels premature and I don't wanna make a rash decision, I don't wanna get from a bad situation into a worse one. Nevertheless, if I did get that job, I would still accept it, it'd be stupid of me not to, after everything I've endured here.

My First Time Writing from My Workplace

    So, I'm at the office, alone, at the moment. This is my first time writing from my workplace, while listening to You Get What You Give by New Radicals, the very place that I hate but it feels nice when I'm alone. I wish, I could work alone. I'm not antisocial but I'm not exactly an introvert either. I actually love hanging out with friends at the shopping centres.

    Anyway, I haven't received any good news so far and understandably, it's frustrating. Although this week's been better than the previous weeks, I still really wanna get outta this place, as soon as possible. Yes, I can't stress enough how much I hate my boss and I wanna earn more so I could buy stuff off my wish list, especially that Balenciaga Le City East-West bag (finally, I've got something to look forward to). Also, I wanna move back to Cyberjaya.

    Sometimes, as much as I wanna leave this place, I just can feel it in my heart, it's not the time yet so my dreams seem farther and farther away which makes me sad but lately, I feel like, God's been guiding me and protecting me. I don't know how long I can go on like this but there's nothing much I can do about my situation except to keep applying for jobs and trust Him.

Oh 2025

    Masa tahun lepas, masa aku nak berhenti kerja dekat company sebelum ni, aku ingat tahun 2025 akan jadi tahun yang lebih baik. Yelah, masa tu, contract aku takkan disambung sebab aku bergaduh dengan boss aku, aku ditikam belakang oleh co-worker aku, tu tak termasuk lagi dengan staff members yang lain yang cari pasal dengan aku, it was one of the darkest times of my life.

    Masa awal tahun ni, aku dapat kerja dekat satu company ni. I thought I was off to a good start tapi rupa - rupanya company tu scammer so aku terpaksa cari kerja lain lagi sekali. Dua bulan kemudian, aku dapat kerja dekat satu company ni pula. Awal - awal, aku ingat company ni okay tapi lama - lama, aku makin sedar yang company ni pun toxic. Kurang toxic sikit berbanding company dulu tapi masih toxic.

    Sekarang dah August, tinggal kurang daripada empat bulan lagi sebelum masuk tahun baru so I can confidently say, 2025 hasn't been a good year for me. Kadang - kadang, aku rasa sebak mengenang nasib aku. From one bad situation to another bad situation. Orang jahat pula tak dikenakan apa - apa tindakan, diaorang tak perlu cari kerja lain, orang macam aku pula yang kena keluar. Dunia ni tak adil.

    Honestly, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment tapi aku masih berharap dan harapan tulah yang buat aku teruskan juga. Macam aku cakap dalam post sebelum ni, kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam nak resign je terus. Bila aku pergi kerja, aku senyum, aku gelak tapi bila aku balik, semua tu hilang. Dalam hati rasa kosong. Aku bukan fake, aku tak boleh jadi fake tapi aku professional.

    Tu tak termasuk lagi dengan fake friends but that's another story for another day. It's nearly 12:00 am now and I need to go to sleep because I need to wake up early tomorrow. Yes, setiap hari aku pergi kerja, cahaya matahari pun tak keluar lagi. Depressing, isn't it? Dulu, aku solat Subuh dulu lepas tu aku baru mandi tapi sekarang aku mandi dulu lepas tu aku baru solat Subuh, if you know what I mean.

An Escape, Just for a Short While

    Dah lama aku tak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Bukan aku tak nak, I'm just better at expressing myself in English, but it does feel more satisfying when I speak and write in my mother tongue. Anyway, aku tak nak tulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris malam ni sebab aku rasa aku cuma boleh betul - betul sampaikan post ni dalam Bahasa Melayu.

    So, aku masih cari kerja lain. Aku dah pergi dua interviews, tapi aku tak dapat dua - dua kerja tu dan aku tak nak pun. Kali ni, aku nak kerja yang gaji lebih daripada gaji aku sekarang, dekat tempat yang aku rasa selesa nak bekerja dan dapat good vibes.

    Aku tak tahulah berapa lama aku boleh bertahan dekat sini, aku plan nak resign awal bulan depan sebab kadang - kadang aku rasa macam aku dah tak boleh bertahan lagi jadi aku harap sangat aku akan dapat good news dalam masa terdekat.

    Allah sajalah yang betul - betul tahu apa yang aku rasa dan apa yang aku lalui. Setiap hujung mingu, aku jadi takut nak masuk hari Ahad dan setiap hari Ahad, aku jadi takut nak pergi kerja and it goes on and on. Setiap pagi aku nak bangun, aku rasa berat sangat. Kadang - kadang aku rasa macam nak menangis sebab aku penat. Bukan penat sebab kerja tapi penat sebab terpaksa hadap boss aku yang berpuaka tu setiap hari minggu.

    Kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam nak resign je terus dan aku pasti, hari terakhir aku bekerja dekat sini akan jadi antara hari yang paling bahagia dalam hidup aku sebab akhirnya aku bebas. Aku tak perlu lagi hadap boss aku yang berpuaka tu.

    In the meantime, aku cuba untuk distract diri - sendiri. Aku bayang aku dapat kerja yang gaji lebih  daripada gaji aku sekarang, dekat tempat yang aku ada ramai kawan dan aku tak rasa malas nak pergi kerja dan bila duit simpanan aku dah cukup, aku boleh beli beg Balenciaga Le City East-West tu.

I Wish

    I wish I could tell you, I got another job, and I get paid (at least) RM4,000 every month, and I'm happy with my new job and my life, but sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm still stuck here, with my depressing, miserable, overworked and underpaid job. It's so not fair, after everything I've been through.

    I try to stay strong, for myself and for my mum, but at times, especially at nights, I break down. Sometimes it feels just too much. My mum and some of my friends know this, because I've confided in them, but I don't wanna burden them with my problems, it's not fair for them, so I keep stuff to myself.

    I don't care about what my enemies think but I know, if they know about this, they'd be laughing and clapping. They did shits to me, they made me go through shitty times, so, if they know I'm in a shithole now? They won. I can admit my defeat and they can have their pathetic sense of victory.

    That's one of the reasons I haven't given up. I'm not ready to give up even though I get violently washed by ferocious waves, over and over again, hardly without rest. I may be defeated now but I still believe, by the grace of God, I will emerge victorious, some day. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day.

    God is fair and just. He won't let my sufferings go unnoticed and unrewarded. I didn't suffer for nothing. I've been through the worst times of my life, and this is just another one, and this too, shall pass. Yes, I'm tired, I'm scared but my dreams and hopes, of a better life, of a place I can call home, keep me going.

Clarity, Clarity

    I woke up this morning with a clearer mind.

    I think, the moment when you lose interest in something that used to bring you happiness (luxury bags, clothes and shoes for me), basically, you're losing yourself, that's when you know you're not happy, in my case, at work.

    I've been wondering why I haven't been able to really connect with my workplace and at first, I thought to myself, give it some time, you've only been here less than half a year, but slowly, I'm starting to understand why. When I'm in a toxic place, I tend to detach myself from that place. It's my survival mechanism, as to not really get affected by the toxicity.

    A few nights ago, I took all my bags out and I tried them on (just what I do, for fun, from time to time) and I felt, nothing. These bags, especially the Balenciaga ones, they used to make me feel excited about life. I looked forward to sending them to the shop to get them restored.

    I felt the same way during the last days at my previous work.

    I think I know what I need to do now. I need to keep looking for another job until I find one that's better than this, before I don't know myself any more.

Miserable

    I actually wanted to post this the night before I came back here but I'm not sure, maybe I was overwhelmed by different emotions.

    So, it's only been three days since I came back here and I'm already homesick. I miss my mum terribly. I'm scared if that was the last time I saw my mum and I'd never see her again. I wish more than anything to bring her here so I could look after her and I would be less worried about her but the situation at the moment just doesn't permit it. Sometimes I'm frustrated with the world, like, why? Why are you being so unfair to me?

    When I came to work yesterday, no one asked me anything, not that I expected them to. Everyone probably thought I went back to my hometown to have fun but I went back so I could spend time with my mum because I don't know how much time is left. I always feel like I'm running outta time.

    I can't describe how miserable I've been feeling for the past three days. I don't wanna go to work, I don't feeling going out and meeting people, I just wanna lock myself in my room until I'm ready to face the world again. Nothing excites me, I've got nothing to look forward to. I smile, make jokes and laugh but deep inside, only God knows how I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like screaming because I've had enough, I really do.

    I'm just so tired. I just wanna sleep. I don't know how I'm gonna go on like this for God knows how many months or years.

Drifting

    I find myself drifting in the vast ocean, yet again. Just drifting, not knowing where the wave will take me, because no matter how hard I try to go against the current, I get nowhere. So, I just wait, and hope for the best.

    I used to hate my hometown. Life is slow here. I wanted to live in the big city because I was and still am drawn to the city lights and the skyscrapers are ever awe-inspiring and in the night, the lights glitter like diamonds, scattered across the horizon.

'It looks like the stars have been scattered across the ground. Have you ever seen anything so full of splendor?' - Dolores Abernathy, Westworld

     But behind those alluring lights and towering skyscrapers, there's ugliness too. People are cold here. When the Sky's black curtains cover the Earth and you come home from work, there's only loneliness waiting for you in the dark. Life is too hectic here too. I started to appreciate the slowness of life in my hometown.

    Cyberjaya is a good balance between my hometown and Kuala Lumpur. It's not as hectic as the latter and there's still calmness of the former. I miss it terribly. I wanna go back. I wanna live and work there. I regret coming here. It was a mistake. But maybe, I wouldn't have realised what I was gonna lose if I hadn't left, and now I know.

'Maybe this phase, however murky or still or unglamorous, is doing quiet work in the background — shaping your resilience, sharpening your clarity, preparing you for the life you do want. Growth often feels like standing still before it looks like progress.' - Chat

    I don't know how long I'm gonna have to be here before I could return home but I just hope it'll be waiting for me, like a white kingdom carved out of a brown mountain, facing a green field and a blue river.

    Oh and before I go to sleep, there's another quote I'd like to share.

'I'm not everything I want to be yet, but I'm a lot of things I wanted to be two years ago, and what a wonderful thing it is to realise that.'

    Goodnight.

Home

    So, it's been a few days since I finally got home, like, in my hometown, with my family and it feels good, to be home, after so long. It feels sorta relaxing because life is less hectic here and I said sorta because I'm like, still in a survival mode so I've got a difficulty to really relax and enjoy this one-week leave while I can but I can feel, those feelings that I've bottled up for so long, are resurfacing. This surge of all sorts of emotion makes me wanna tear up and I don't know how to express it, channel it out. Maybe I should address those feelings one by one.

    For starters, I'm not happy at my work. Yes, I came from a worse, more toxic place and I should be thankful it's less toxic here but I'm not happy because I feel like I've got no friends at all and it's so lonely. Some people are nice to me but to me, they're just co-workers. I wish I had at least someone who, I don't know, maybe I could go out after work with, vent about work and annoying co-workers to. Just a shoulder to lean on because I'm tired of having to be strong and independent all the time. I honestly don't know how long I can stay here, I feel like it's driving me mad somehow.

    My previous workplace is toxic, in fact, it's probably one of the most toxic places I've ever been in but I had lotsa friends there. Despite the toxicity, I could stay there for more than a year because I had lotsa friends, I had support. I miss watching horror films on Netflix with them during lunch. I also miss living in Cyber because it's not as hectic as KL. I wish I could go back to that time, without the annoying co-workers. Just us, doing our work while having fun. I don't know if I'd ever get to experience that again, somewhere else. It feels empty here, you come to work then you go home.

Short Update

    This is gonna be a short update on my life as I'm going to bed very soon. I've been really sleepy today since I went to sleep late last night, replaying Final Fantasy VI which I used to play as a child, and I didn't have a nap at all during the day.

    Anyway, it's been quite sometime since my last post. I've just been drained by people, I guess, so, I just really rest at the weekends, I don't do much else. I wish I could say my life's great, but it's not, it's fine, it's better than before (I need to be thankful for what I've got), I think, it's lonely and mundane most of the time, but there's something about that, that I like.

    Speaking of what I've got, I got the Fendi mirror clutch bag sometime ago. To be completely honest, I wasn't super excited about it (still am not), partly because it was a poor financial decision, and I planned to sell it, but then I thought, it might come in handy as a evening bag for someone like me who prefers big bags and don't have many small bags, so, I'm keeping it.

    What I was unexpectedly excited about (still am) is, my new Balenciaga Part Time bag. Okay, hear me out. I was planning to get another Balenciaga Motorcycle bag in rose berlingot. It is such a beautiful colour, it's the perfect bubblegum pink for me but sadly, I couldn't find either a City bag or a Part Time bag in that colour, the only one I could find is a Mini City, at RM3,500, which is too much for me a small bag. What made me even less keen on buying that bag is the seller, she's not friendly.

    While I was eyeing that bag, I saw another bag, a Part Time bag in gris glace and I don't know why but I felt like it was calling me. The price was acceptable: RM1690. At first I had a plan to get it painted in pink but after I bought it, it started growing on me and now I just love it as it is. Although it was an impulse purchase, it's one of the best purchases I've ever made. I'm so glad I got it.

    Also, I actually ordered the Versace Goddess T-shirt (the price dropped from RM3,600 to about RM600!) sometime around this month and I've been waiting for it because the delivery's been painfully slow but the good news is, I should receive it by tomorrow and I just can't wait to see it. I hope it'll come in a Versace box with a ribbon!

    So, that should be all my luxury buys this year. Now I just wanna save money so I could have that financial security blanket and the peace of mind that it brings.

Reflection, Reflection

    When I took out the rubbish just now, I felt a wave of sadness washed over me. It's been less than a year since I moved here and more than four years since the last time I spoke to Shorty but it feels like a lifetime ago, the memories feel so, distant.

    My first proper job was at a clothing shop as a shop assistant. I worked six days a week, some days from the morning until the evening, some days from the afternoon until the night, some days the whole day, for about six months and if my memory serves me correctly, I made, more or less, RM2,400 a month. Back then, it felt like a lot but in hindsight, it wasn't. It wasn't worth it, you weren't allowed to sit at all, you had to stand all day, serve rude customers, work with orang kampung dan rempit and you only got one day off. I'm so, so glad I got outta that place.

    Fast forward to seven years later, I did my internship at this property development GLC which I call Syok Sendiri Sdn Bhd because they really are self-indulgent. I was given an allowance of only RM800 per month and I honestly don't know how I survived with that little amount of money, for three months. After I completed my internship, I got my second proper job there. I earned only RM2,700 monthly. Looking back, it wasn't worth it either, I had to do countless work while working with a backstabbing assistant manager and serving incompetent, unappreciative manager but I had no choice so I had to stay there for a year. I'm so, so glad I got outta that place as well.

    I quitted my job without securing another job so I was desperately scrambling for a job. I ended up having to work at this scammy recruitment agency, for only about two months because of the obvious reason: it was a scam. They only paid me for the first month, in the second month, with EPF, SOCSO and EIS deductions but those deductions are nowhere to be found, lol and they haven't paid me for the second month so they owe me about RM3,000. I'm so, so glad I got outta that place too because I don't like the area and the people there.

    Two months later, I was offered my third proper job which is my current job. I wouldn't say I love my job but it's better than my previous jobs. It's less toxic and I like the arrangement. I don't know how long I'm gonna stay here but I hope I'll be here for at least two years, at most three years. My salary is less than RM4,000 and I wish it was at least RM4,000 so I wouldn't have to work with a tight budget. I hope by the time I become a senior executive, it'll increase to at least RM5,000, then RM5,400 which is twice the amount I earned for my second proper job. It'd be career milestone for me.

    Before I end this post and go to bed, a few nights ago, I talked to someone about Shorty, who among all my exes, I loved the most. I think I've moved on but I still think of him and miss him sometimes. I wonder how he's doing, if he thinks of me too. I wish we were still together. We would've been great but I can't make someone to love me and be with me. Also, I've just realised, with the closure of Skype, all our memories were erased. I've been looking for someone like him and I don't know if I'd ever find that person or someone better than him, if there ever is.

I Wish I Could Have Seven Days' Paid Holiday

    So I could just, really rest and sort things out until I'm ready to face the world again but for now, I'm so, so tired. I'm not sure what's been keeping me going, maybe a sense of responsibility, maybe a fear of not having money, maybe both of them. I know God's been lending His strength to me but sometimes I just wanna fall on my knees and break down because it can be too much at times. I do so much work I lose count but I'm paid less than RM4,000. If only my salary was RM5,000, maybe I wouldn't feel as bad

The End of a Crappy Week

    This week's been crappy and I'm just so glad it's over. When I was at work today, I couldn't wait to go home. It's been physically and mentally draining and I just wanna recuperate this weekend, I don't wanna go anywhere, I don't wanna do anything.

    What makes it even more crappy, I'm strapped this month because I bought that Fendi bag and that's why I'm not that excited about it because it was a poor financial decision which put me in a bad financial situation and I could've bought something else, like this Alexander McQueen Faithful bag in vermillion (red isn't even one of my favourite colours but it just makes sense because it's Alexander McQueen) which I wish I had discovered earlier.

    I've always been intrigued by Alexander Mcqueen (especially his Spring/Summer 2010 collection, Plato's Atlantis) and I'd been looking for something from Alexander McQueen to own and I've said this many times so you know I'm a sucker for biker-inspired bags and I love bags that I can either hold it or sling it over my shoulder. Plus, I think it's a nice-sized bag so it can carry a lot. Also, it just goes well with the Versace bag and the Balenciaga bag.

    Anyway, back to the Fendi bag, regardless of I feel about it, I still can't wait to see it, hold it and wear it because it's still a lotta money but Pos Malaysia is incredibly slow. I was supposed to receive it sometime around this week but that bag is still at the airport.

Retreat into My Shell

    I've just got home from work and I had a crappy day at work today. Monday is typically crappy, but today was really crappy: I had non-stop work (I barely had the time to really breathe), I was laughed at for knocking my head on a door, I got grifted by this food stall and now I feel like crap. I know it might sound like it wasn't that bad, it could've been worse but I guess, when you're vulnerable and you're trying to hold everything together, everything becomes amplified.

    Now I'm home, I just wanna retreat into my shell (my room), where I feel safe and comfortable, recuperating while I can before I've gotta face the world again.

I Wish I Earned More

    So I don't have to worry so much about how I'm gonna survive next month and the months after. Currently, I only earn less than RM4,000 monthly, but it's more than I used to earn at my previous company, so, there's some increase, at least. I know many people have got it worse, hence I should be thankful for what I've got and I am, but it's not wrong to want more, no?

    I'm just tired of having to work with a tight budget and I wish I had more space to breathe. I hate how critical I've gotta be every time I spend. Every ringgit counts and makes a difference. Having at least RM1,000 in your bank account makes a whole difference to your mental health and inner peace so I plan to spend less and save more next year. 

    I plan to focus on getting fragrances, accessories and some non-luxury miscellaneous items next year. Even if there were gonna be big purchases, I'd limit it to three items. I guess I'm still learning to appreciate what I've got, how to spend and how to be patient. Also, I hope I'll earn more, year by year.

If Only I Had the Money

    I know I shouldn't be really thinking about this until I've got the money but maybe I just wanna distract myself. So, remember when I talked about the Chloe Paddington bag?

    I still want it but then I found these boots.

    Saint Laurent Jodhpur heeled boots in black patent leathers (70 mm).

    Junya Watanabe combat spiked boots in black leather (50 mm).

    I wish I could buy them all this year. Maybe if I was as rich as Syafiq and Syuqran, I would manage to purchase all of them this year but with my current salary, I can only pick one.

    In terms of the price, I think the Chloe bag costs the highest and the Junya Watanabe boots being the lowest. The same goes to popularity.

    I might be able to forgo the Junya Watanabe boots because as much as I like the design (they would go so well with the Versace Goddess T-shirt, ugh), I haven't really got into the brand, if you know what I mean.

    So that leaves me with the Chloe bag and the Saint Laurent boots and I really can't decide which one I should get first. The only way is, we'll see which one will still be in stock by the time I've got the money, which maybe I'd get by the end of this year or earlier and whichever is still in stock by that time, that's the one I'm gonna get first.

Life Update

    So, it's been slightly more than a month since I started working at this one property development company (it's not well-known, I think but it's bigger than the previous company I used to work at, so it's an upgrade) in Kuala Lumpur (also slightly more than a month since I moved to Kuala Lumpur) and it's been fine so far. There have been ups and downs, but I think that's normal. There are no perfect workplaces but so far, I think, it's less toxic compared to my previous workplace. Most people come to work to, well, work, not sitting on their arses, gossipping all day long. Also, I appreciate it's medium-paced so it's not too fast or to slow.

    Nevertheless, last month's delayed salary payment (it was supposed to be made by 02/05 but it was delayed to 05/05) was sorta traumatising to me because I'm still traumatised by this one scammy recruitment agency where I briefly worked at before I got my current job who haven't paid me to this day (they owe me RM3,000). So, I still aim to get a job at a well-known, much bigger property development company, preferably, such as Gamuda, Sime Darby Property or SP Setia but maybe after a year or two because I've still got a lot to learn.

    Do I regret working in human resources? I can't tell yet but what I can tell is, you'd think, since you've gotta deal with people, you would've got lotsa friends but typically, the HR department have their own room (because we store private & confidential documents) and since you deal with P&C matters, you can't really make friends which is sorta fine because I don't really feel like making friends at work anyway. Also, the work is never-ending.

    Anyway, I can't wait to pay off some of my debts this year so I can focus on building a better life for myself and for my mum. Oh and I've bought the Fendi mirror clutch bag and some work clothes even though I shouldn't because I've spent a lotta money on moving here but I'm sorta sick of wearing the same outfits to the office (weirdly, I'm more excited about the latter, maybe it's because the former was a poor financial decision I made a few months ago, thinking I'd be paid by that scammy recruitment agency). I can't wait to try them on, I hope they'll look good on me.

    I look forward to better days.

The Glitz & Glam

    I used to envy people like Syafiq and Syuqran. They've got the life I've been yearning for: adorned with luxury clothes, bags and shoes, dripping like liquid gold from head to toe, faces of angels and bodies of Greek statues, advancing in career at the speed of light, to come home to a sexy apartment and people lining up to get a taste of them, or so I thought, and I felt like life is so unfair. I've been working hard but I'm nowhere near as "successful" as they are and they seem to have it easy, sailing through life on a yacht, not having to row the boat like I do.

    But time, time's got an interesting way of revealing the truth, and over time, behind that alluring façade they carefully curated, like a sexy art gallery, I saw darkness, ugliness, and hollowness that not many people can see, but they're so good at hiding them, even the most experienced person would have to take more than a couple deeper looks, there's not even a hairline crack in the wall, just beautifully painted portraits, in golden frames, hanged at a perfectly sharp angle, but no matter how good they are, they can't hide the stench in the air, that seep out of the floor's pores.

    Of course, I still dream of better life for myself, and for my mum, but I've learnt to be thankful for what I've got, and I don't envy them as much I used to, any more.

You & Your "Friends"

    This is gonna sound weird because I've never had a relationship whatsover with this person nor have I ever met or spoken to him (I've DMed and commented on his picture once but he's never replied) but I still felt jealous looking him with some bitches and that person is Syuqran.

    Just so you know, I'm not as interested in him as I used to be (partly because of his disgustingly chapped lips and he's becoming fatter and fatter). In fact, I hadn't looked at his profile because he started to annoy for some reason until someone brought him up so I went to see his stories and I fell into a downward spiral from there.

    So, he had an Eid open house/house-warming part at his newly renovated place and honestly, I wouldn't mind if he'd invited his family and friends, but instead, he'd invited some bitches who could be his friends but I did some due diligence and they're just some ugly, fat randos who think they're all that when they're no one who he met at KLFW or possibly on hookup apps.

    I guess, what triggered me was, some of his "friends" unfollowed me (I only followed them in the hope of he'd notice me) and it pissed me off because they're so ugly and fat (ada dua ekor babi gemuk tu perasan diaorang fashionista dan model) and they act like oh they're so cool. Kau ingat aku nak sangat ke follow kau? You were just a pawn in my game of chess.

    Nevertheless, this did give me some sort of a resolution (not sure if this is the right word)? If these are the people he surrounds himself with, do I wanna be with him? The people around him speak a lot about him and I just don't like them, I get bad vibes from them and don't ever tell me not to listen to my gut, my instinct is normally right.

    To Syuqran, tak pelah, ni orang yang kau nak berkawan but honestly, I don't think they're your friends. I think they're only friends with you because of your look, you're rich, you've got a nice job and a nice place but once something bad happens to you, they won't be there for you.

    People might think, ikut suka hati dialah, kau siapa, kau bukan kenal dia pun dan dia pun bukan kenal kau blah blah blah. Well, ikut suka hati aku jugalah nak rasa apa pun.

I Wish Today Was Friday

    Aku bukan tak suka tempat kerja baru aku, so far okay je, aku cuma malas dan penat. Anyway, sebelum aku tidur, sebab esok aku nak kena bangun awal, aku nak tulis sikit.

    First of all, T-shirt Versace tu jadi RM900++ je wei. Aku rasa macam nak menangis. Kalau aku ada duit sekarang, memang aku dah beli tapi tulah, dahlah bulan ni aku nak kena bayar untuk beg Fendi tu, lepas tu aku nak kena pindah dan bayar sewa plus deposit pula, sigh.

    Speaking of moving, I hate moving, it's draining, physically and mentally but in order to be able to focus on my work, I need to settle down, the sooner the better.

    This brings me to my next point and that is, I miss the comfort of my previous life. Not like I reincarnated but what I meant is, I didn't really have to worry much, I went to work and then I went home and it went on and on. Personally, I don't really mind routines.

    Anyway, there are other things I wanna talk about, one of them is Syuqran and his "friends", but I'm too sleepy so maybe I'd continue tomorrow.

    Goodnight.

Overwhelmed

    I feel like I made many stupid mistakes today at work and I'm running behind deadlines and I feel like I'm disappointing people around me. I know I've only been there for less than two weeks and I'm being too hard on myself but I just can't shake off the feelings. They're weighing on me.

    Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision, to work in HR. I know working in HR means a lot of work but what else can I do? Communications? I don't know. Only time will tell.

    I should be excited about getting a new bag and new phone, maybe early next month, inshallah, but I'm so overwhelmed by the move, the job, the surroundings, I can't really think of anything else.

    Also, maybe looking at people having "fun" on Instagram makes me feel worse.

    I just hope I'll feel better so I can focus on my work.

PS Talking to ChatGPT helps.

It's Been a While

    So, sebenarnya aku nak tulis sebelum aku balik sini hari Sabtu minggu lepas tapi tak sempat. Lepas tu, aku penat dan anxious pula pasal kerja baru.

    Honestly, I don't really feel like going into the details and it's still too early to tell but but so far so good, I guess. Obviously, I've still got a lot to learn but I just hope I'll manage to get used to the work, the place and the routine and I really hope I'll be able to stay here for a number of years, just to gain experience, possibly career growth too, I'm tired of moving.

    To be completely honest, I haven't thought much about my wish list lately, I'm more focused on adjusting to the surroundings. Hopefully, everything will turn out well.

I'm Not Looking Back Any More

    Tadi, aku tengok filem Companion dan ada seorang tu watak tu, muka dia macam seketul makhluk masa aku buat foundation dulu (ugh, meluat) tapi aku betul - betul bersyukur aku dah tak berkawan dengan dia dan orang - orang lain yang toxic.

    I used to hold on to the dream or the hope of us being friends for ever because we did have so much fun together I chose to turn a blind eye to his problematic behaviours but he was always trying to tear me down at every opportunity and at one point, I just no longer could take it.

    It's been four years since the last time I spoke to him (I confronted him and he just didn't have the ability to admit and apologise) and I don't miss him at all, not any more. I used to, in the beginning, after I cut him off, but then I met new people, I made new friends and I realised I deserved better. There are people who can treat me so much better so why would I go back to him?

    Sometime ago, a mutual "friend" of ours texted me, asking, 'would you be interested in rekindling your friendship with him?' I could confidently say, 'abso-freaking-lutely not.'

    I'm at the stage in my life where I'm not looking back any more. Sure, I reminisce the good old days from time to time, the bittersweet times and the best moments of my life so far, but I look forward to meeting new people, making new friends and creating new memories.

Happy Eid ul-Fitr

    It's been two days since Eid ul-Fitr and I haven't been doing much, just enjoying my time here with my family while I can before I've gotta go back and start working. As I get nearer and nearer to this Saturday, I get anxious because I've got so many things to do and I'm gonna go through some sorta major life changes: not only I'm starting a new job but I'm also moving to a new place, so there will be lotsa adjustment to do.

    I don't know what's ahead of me but I'm hopeful and I look forward to the good things that will come in my way.

Reflections over the Loo

    Aku tak tahulah orang lain buat benda ni ke tak but when I'm in the loo (preferably jamban duduk yang bersih, cerah, kering, luas, selesa dan wangi), I love to reflect my life, in my own sweet time. So, these are some of the reflections I've done today.

    One, I feel sad Ramadan is coming to an end even though so many shitty things happened to me in the beginning. I don't feel like going into the details but I'm just thankful everything's been sorted out and I managed to get through it, somehow. I myself am surprised I coped better than I thought I would, I've been more spiritual this month compared to the previous months and I hope I'll be able to continue to do so. Also, I've lost a little bit of weight as well but I've still got a lot to lose.

    Two, I've been anxious about my new job. I'm starting on 7 April. I really hope it won't be another trap and it won't be as toxic as my previous workplace. I just wanna work, make money, pay off my debts so I can move on to other things and focus on building a better life for myself and for my mum.

    Three, I'm also thankful I don't have a crush on anyone, for now, not even Syuqran and I don't even feel like dating at the moment. It sorta feels good because I hate having my feelings crushed again and again. I do still wish I had someone to talk to.

    Four, I don't look back any more, I just look forward to what life's got in store for me. I used to miss my foundation course days but I no longer do, in fact, I'm so glad I'm over it. Maybe my life's got better now, alhamdulillah, than it used to be and although there are still lotsa things to do.

PS This is probably one of the most memorable Ramadan in my life.

Alangkah Indahnya

    Wouldn't it be lovely if I had the money to get all the things I want, right now? I hate waiting. Waiting makes me anxious, like, what if someone got the bag first? I wish someone would be like, 'here, take this money and go and get all the things you want,' so I wouldn't be worried about those things being sold out.

    Unfortunately, my life's never been easy. I've always had to work hard to get what I want and oftentimes, I don't get what I want. It's sad but there's nothing else I can do about it so I've just gotta move on, now matter how much it pains me. Yeah, I'm not privileged at all.

And, There Goes My Dream Bag

    Baru je aku cakap pasal beg Chloe Paddington tu, tak lama lepas tu, someone snatched it. Rasa macam nak menangis je, but, there's another similar one on Vestiaire, and a variation of the bag, in the same colour, on Vestiaire as well, at the moment, so, maybe, there's a bit of luck for me, we'll see.

    By the way, now that I've seen the latter, I feel like I prefer it over the classic. The price is about RM3,000+++, ugh, which is a lot of money but if everything went smoothly, I could get the bag at the earliest either in July or August, inshallah. Again, we'll see.