Sometimes I Don't Really Know How to Feel

    So, sambungan daripada post sebelum ni, alhamdulillah, aku dapat kerja tu. Masa aku tunggu offer letter the morning after the interview, aku tak senang duduk. Aku risau diaorang akan kata, 'kitaorang tak sempat nak hantar hari ni so kitaorang akan hantar minggu depan,' or they changed their minds. Pukul 10 pagi macam tu, aku dapat mesej daripada anak buah dia, minta confirm email aku. Lepas tu, dia kata, aku akan dapat email dalam masa 10 minit. Aku asyik refresh page Gmail setiap minit tapi tak muncul - muncul. Alhamdulillah, lepas tu, aku baru dapat the offer letter.

    To be completely honest, I'm still sorta nervy selagi tak masuk kerja and I'm nervy about this job too, like I don't know what to expect, I don't wanna make any stupid mistakes but there's nothing I can do about it other than to just learn as I go.

    Actually, hari aku pergi interview tu, aku dapat mesej daripada satu company ni. Sebelum tu, application aku kena reject tapi dia tanya aku berminat tak satu position ni. Aku pun kata ye sajalah sebab masa tu aku tak dapat kerja lagi. Dia ajak nak discuss. Aku ajak discuss the next day tapi hari Sabtu minggu lepas baru jadi discuss. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, aku tertarik jugalah dengan kerja tu, not so much about the work but the work style. Kalau aku dapat kerja tu, aku akan work from home four days a week, sehari ada physical meeting with all the other staff members. Situ dah jimat on transportation but by that time, aku dah sign the offer letter.

    So, aku plan, esok aku nak inform dia yang aku dah dapat kerja. The thing is, kerja ni dah pasti, kerja tu tak pasti lagi sebab obviously, aku kena interview dulu dan tak tahu bila atau nak dapat kerja tu. It is sad sebab orang yang contact aku tu pun pleasant but at this point, it's like, first come first serve basis because frankly, my saving has dried up and I need money to survive.

    I still think of the Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses but at the moment, they're not my top priority. I still want them but my current top priority is to impress my employer and I need to pass the probation.

Sometimes I Don't Know How to Feel

    So, semalam, aku dapat message dekat LinkedIn daripada seorang founder/CEO company yang aku nak kerja ni (I messaged him a few days ago), dia ajak jumpa hari ni. Memanglah aku nak kerja tu tapi aku nervous jugalah, aku dah fikir yang bukan - bukan, dahlah aku tak familiar dengan tempat yang dia ajak jumpa tu. Nak tak nak, I knew I had to give it a shot because I'm desperate, dah nak masuk tahun baru dan aku masih tak de kerja dan my former co-workers dah mula tertanya - tanya kenapa aku tak kerja lagi (diaorang tengok stories dekat Instagram aku dan aku tipu diaorang aku dah dapat kerja dekat satu company ni).

    So, aku pergi, expecting the worst. Aku sampai sejam setengah lebih awal. Aku text CEO tu, aku dah sampai. Anak buah dia (head of people & culture) call aku, suruh datang office terus. Office bertentangan je dengan tempat yang dia nak jumpa tu. Aku pergi, aku sesat, lol, tapi lepas tu aku baru jumpa lobby. Maklumlah, kali pertama aku pergi situ. Aku sampai, anak buah dia tu sambut aku. Aku masuk. Semua orang pakat pandang aku tapi aku buat confident, senyum, tegur semua orang. Dia ajak masuk meeting room. After sometime discussing about my background, the work and the company, CEO tu ajak sambung discussion dekat tempat dia nak jumpa aku tu.

    Dekat situ, principal consultant? join kitaorang dan kitaorang discuss sampai pukul 9 lebih. Diaorang kata diaorang suka aku tapi aku tanya terus - terang, 'how do I get this job?' CEO tu gelak. Dia kata, 'don't worry, we'll send you the offer letter tomorrow, you can start on 7 January.' Aku tersenyum but I can't really be happy, I don't dare to, until I get the offer letter. If I really get it, it'd be, I don't know what to call it, but it'd be hard to believe.

    Dah, aku tak nak cakap lagi pasal ni selagi aku tak dapat offer letter. Aku takut diaorang ubah fikiran ke apa esok hari. Aku tak bagi tahu pun siapa - siapa pasal ni, not even my mum, sebab aku takut dengan benda yang tak pasti. I really hope this is the light at the end of the tunnel though.

Losing My Mind

    So, it's been about a week since I came back here and I've been missing my mum terribly, as expected. What makes it worse is, I've been stuck in my room all day long and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't really go out because I've got not much money, I've got no income (yes, I haven't got a job) and I've gotta pay this month's rent and bill. If I could go back to my hometown, I would because I feel like, being here doesn't help me, mentally, financially (I'd thought it would) and that's not the worst. Last Sunday, I had to go through an ordeal (I don't feel like going into the details right now) to finally get my last wisdom tooth removed because it'd been infected, recurrently and causing me so much pain. I thought I was gonna die but thank God, I'm doing better now. I'm still recovering though.

     Anyway, looks like I'm not getting myself anything for my birthday next year because even if I'd get money, I'd have to save it for next month's rent and bill. I thought of getting that Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses (which I hope will still be available when I can finally afford them again) but the plan's outta the window now. The latest I could get them is maybe in February or March, given I've got a job by then. Yeah, in my life, nothing ever goes as planned, everything always goes awry and I'd have to figure out how to fix it.

    I don't know how and if I'm gonna get a job but I still hope.

With a Heavy Heart

    So, aku kena pack bag aku sebab esok aku dah nak balik sana and I'm just sad about leaving my mum tapi tulah, sampai bila aku nak stay dekat sini kan, if not now? I need to build a better, comfortable life for my mum and myself and sadly, that requires me working outta state because it's virtually impossible here.

    I envy those whose parents live near them and every weekend, they'd go home, whereas in my situation, I can only go home once a month, just for one weekend. I don't like wallowing in self-pity but I do have a hard life. I'm not like, my life's the hardest but it's never been a smooth sail, there's always a storm waiting for me and normally, I've gotta brave it alone.

    Sometimes, I'm tired of having to be strong and independent. I wish someone could take the wheel for me and let me rest, like really rest, until I'm ready to face the world again but so far, it's always been just me, in this journey.

    Anyway, I plan to spend less next year than I have this year so I'm gonna limit my purchase by listing out my wishes and I hope I'll stick to it (I might add a few more though if I get a proper job).

1. Fendi mirror clutch bag
2. Versace Goddess T-shirt
3. Versace sunglasses
4. Send my Balenciaga Part Time bag for restoration
5. Versace bowling bag (not confirmed)
6. Versace belt (optional)
   

Dreadfully Counting the Days

     Tinggal 2 hari je lagi sebelum aku nak kena balik sana dan hati aku rasa berat nak tinggal mak aku. I wish I could bring her with me. Nak tak nak, aku nak kena balik sana sebab satu, obviously, aku nak kena kerja, buat duit, sampai bila aku nak bergantung dekat mak aku dan macam mana aku nak beli apa yang aku nak kalau aku tak de kerja dan dua, aku tak berapa tenang dekat sini sebab aku risau pasal bag dan boots Versace aku dekat rumah sewa aku.

    Kawan aku adalah offer satu kerja part time ni. Gaji RM2,000. It's not much but at least it's something, sementara aku nak cari kerja yang lebih baik. Aku rasa macam confidence dan skills aku makin berkarat? Sebab aku rasa anxious nak sambung kerja balik. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak tidur je and I wish, bila aku bangun, this was just a long dream but I've been on a break nearly a month now and I think it's more than what I need, aku kena mula before it gets worse.

    To be completely honest, I'm nervy about this. I don't know what to expect, I've just gotta dive and find out all by myself.

Midnight Ramblings, Again

    So, it's been nearly a month and I still haven't got a job. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can, I've applied for countless jobs. The only thing I can do is, wait, pray and hope for the best. Unhappy? Obviously, I am but I'm not that sort that likes to display my emotions. I smile, I laugh, I make jokes but deep inside, only God knows how I truly feel. My mum can tell I'm not happy because from time to time, she'd tell me to be patient.

    The only thing that makes me happy a bit, is my Balenciaga Part Time bag. I don't know why but every time I look at it, I feel happy, for a while before I get crushed by the harsh reality again. I'm still glad I got it though. Oh and I'm going back to my place next Thursday because I've still got my belongings there and I need to check if they're okay but I feel sad about leaving my mum. I'm definitely gonna be missing her.

    Anyway, last night, I dropped a comment, on one of my crush's photos on Instagram, hoping he would notice me. I'm not sure if he did but I'm sure he got a notification and he didn't reply my comment or follow me back, lol. He posted a story so clearly, he was on Instagram. Maybe I'm not his type. I can't make someone like me when they're not interested in me.

    What sorta annoys me is, he follows this one person and likes this person's pictures. This person is clearly into him because this person copies his aesthetic. He's got a pair of Balenciaga sunglesses? This person does too but a knockoff. The only difference is, the former is rich but the latter is poor but pretending to be rich. Like, how could you not follow me but you could follow someone pretentious? Give me a freaking break.

Midnight Ramblings

    I've been thinking of the Fendi mirror clutch bag and I want it really badly but I just can't afford it at the moment because I've got no income. I'm desperately looking for a job so I can at least reserve it first (pay 50% of the price) before someone else snatches it. I know there are a lot more important things I need to be worried about but I just can't stop thinking of it.

    By the way, remember the guy I ran into at IKEA years ago? Well, last night, after I got home from a getaway with my family, I was on Tinder when I found this one guy and he just looks familiar. It wasn't like me trying to convince myself I've finally found him again, I just intuitively felt like, it's him, that's him. He looks just like how I remembered him. It felt surreal, it felt like a dream, I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe I would find him again, it's totally by change, it's a miracle. Obviously, I swiped right but I don't know if he still remembers me and if he'd swipe right on me.

    Anyway, back to bag, I'm not sure whether I've said this before or not but I just love my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau. It's definitely one of my best purchases. I'd love to get it restored when I've got money again. At first, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision and I wasn't sure about the colour but now I just can't stop looking at it. It's so beautiful. I just love how slouchy it is but still feels punk and I love the fringes and the fact that it's east-west. I'm so glad I got it instead of the City bag which is more square than rectangular. Also, it can carry a lot of things.

Stressed Out & On the Edge

    It's been two weeks since I left my company and I haven't got a job. I'm trying to get a job before New Year and the job-hunting is taking a toll on me. One of my worst fears came true. I'm unemployed again and I'm scared I'm gonna be like this for God knows how long, months? Years? I'd been trying so hard not to let it happen, somehow but it did. I know it's outta my control but I feel like, I should've started looking for a job the moment I knew my contract wasn't gonna be renewed.

    Speaking of which, that's the only thing that brings me some comfort, knowing it was inevitable, no matter what I did, those two bitches hate my guts from the get-go and they were never gonna keep me. Even if they were, it was only to exploit me: make me do their work, berate me and then take all the credit. There was nothing I could do about it and it wasn't my fault.

    Anyway, highlight of the day was, my crush accepted my request to connect with him on LinkedIn. Yes, I found him on LinkedIn and I didn't expect him to accept my request. He didn't look at my profile so nothing's most probably gonna happen but it's something to me at least.

PS I found this Alexander McQueen bag on eBay and I'm sorta intrigued (it's from the Plato's Atlantis collection and I didn't know he made bags back then).

You Know What You Want but You Just Don't Have the Means

    Believe it or not, I rarely get rambang mata or spoilt with choices. When I go to a shop, I've already known what I want. Unless I go window shopping, then I'd just browse just to spend time and probably end up not buying anything because I've got something very specific in mind when it comes to what I want, unless I don't mind settling for less a bit, you know what I mean?

    Though, I'm not sure if I could say most of the things I've bought are informed purchases? I've admittedly made impulse purchases a number of times.

    Anyway, despite knowing what I want, most of the time, I just don't have the means, specifically, financial means.

    I still remember, when I was in my early 20s, I was obsessed with Topman, it was one of the it high street brands and I was obsessed with this striped, oversized, sleeveless T-shirt and a Rio de Janeiro T-shirt? I was also obsessed with this River Island peacock print shirt and a koi fish print shirt and I just couldn't afford them at the time because I simply didn't have money.

    Looking back, of course, I don't mind missing them at all. In fact, I've still got this one River Island leaf print shirt (I can't really remember how I managed to get it, maybe I borrowed my friend's money) which I still find beautiful but I don't wear it often because I think it's sorta outta style.

    The reason I'm writing this is I really want the Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses and it makes me sad I can't afford them at the moment because I haven't got a job. I know it probably sounds so trivial and materialistic and it's the last thing I need to worry about  but I hate being in this situation. It takes me back to the time when I had to entirely depend on my mum and it makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

    I really hope I'll get a better paying job soon so I could get them before my birthday next year. Sigh.