Sometimes I Don't Really Know How to Feel

    So, sambungan daripada post sebelum ni, alhamdulillah, aku dapat kerja tu. Masa aku tunggu offer letter the morning after the interview, aku tak senang duduk. Aku risau diaorang akan kata, 'kitaorang tak sempat nak hantar hari ni so kitaorang akan hantar minggu depan,' or they changed their minds. Pukul 10 pagi macam tu, aku dapat mesej daripada anak buah dia, minta confirm email aku. Lepas tu, dia kata, aku akan dapat email dalam masa 10 minit. Aku asyik refresh page Gmail setiap minit tapi tak muncul - muncul. Alhamdulillah, lepas tu, aku baru dapat the offer letter.

    To be completely honest, I'm still sorta nervy selagi tak masuk kerja and I'm nervy about this job too, like I don't know what to expect, I don't wanna make any stupid mistakes but there's nothing I can do about it other than to just learn as I go.

    Actually, hari aku pergi interview tu, aku dapat mesej daripada satu company ni. Sebelum tu, application aku kena reject tapi dia tanya aku berminat tak satu position ni. Aku pun kata ye sajalah sebab masa tu aku tak dapat kerja lagi. Dia ajak nak discuss. Aku ajak discuss the next day tapi hari Sabtu minggu lepas baru jadi discuss. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, aku tertarik jugalah dengan kerja tu, not so much about the work but the work style. Kalau aku dapat kerja tu, aku akan work from home four days a week, sehari ada physical meeting with all the other staff members. Situ dah jimat on transportation but by that time, aku dah sign the offer letter.

    So, aku plan, esok aku nak inform dia yang aku dah dapat kerja. The thing is, kerja ni dah pasti, kerja tu tak pasti lagi sebab obviously, aku kena interview dulu dan tak tahu bila atau nak dapat kerja tu. It is sad sebab orang yang contact aku tu pun pleasant but at this point, it's like, first come first serve basis because frankly, my saving has dried up and I need money to survive.

    I still think of the Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses but at the moment, they're not my top priority. I still want them but my current top priority is to impress my employer and I need to pass the probation.

Sometimes I Don't Know How to Feel

    So, semalam, aku dapat message dekat LinkedIn daripada seorang founder/CEO company yang aku nak kerja ni (I messaged him a few days ago), dia ajak jumpa hari ni. Memanglah aku nak kerja tu tapi aku nervous jugalah, aku dah fikir yang bukan - bukan, dahlah aku tak familiar dengan tempat yang dia ajak jumpa tu. Nak tak nak, I knew I had to give it a shot because I'm desperate, dah nak masuk tahun baru dan aku masih tak de kerja dan my former co-workers dah mula tertanya - tanya kenapa aku tak kerja lagi (diaorang tengok stories dekat Instagram aku dan aku tipu diaorang aku dah dapat kerja dekat satu company ni).

    So, aku pergi, expecting the worst. Aku sampai sejam setengah lebih awal. Aku text CEO tu, aku dah sampai. Anak buah dia (head of people & culture) call aku, suruh datang office terus. Office bertentangan je dengan tempat yang dia nak jumpa tu. Aku pergi, aku sesat, lol, tapi lepas tu aku baru jumpa lobby. Maklumlah, kali pertama aku pergi situ. Aku sampai, anak buah dia tu sambut aku. Aku masuk. Semua orang pakat pandang aku tapi aku buat confident, senyum, tegur semua orang. Dia ajak masuk meeting room. After sometime discussing about my background, the work and the company, CEO tu ajak sambung discussion dekat tempat dia nak jumpa aku tu.

    Dekat situ, principal consultant? join kitaorang dan kitaorang discuss sampai pukul 9 lebih. Diaorang kata diaorang suka aku tapi aku tanya terus - terang, 'how do I get this job?' CEO tu gelak. Dia kata, 'don't worry, we'll send you the offer letter tomorrow, you can start on 7 January.' Aku tersenyum but I can't really be happy, I don't dare to, until I get the offer letter. If I really get it, it'd be, I don't know what to call it, but it'd be hard to believe.

    Dah, aku tak nak cakap lagi pasal ni selagi aku tak dapat offer letter. Aku takut diaorang ubah fikiran ke apa esok hari. Aku tak bagi tahu pun siapa - siapa pasal ni, not even my mum, sebab aku takut dengan benda yang tak pasti. I really hope this is the light at the end of the tunnel though.

Losing My Mind

    So, it's been about a week since I came back here and I've been missing my mum terribly, as expected. What makes it worse is, I've been stuck in my room all day long and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't really go out because I've got not much money, I've got no income (yes, I haven't got a job) and I've gotta pay this month's rent and bill. If I could go back to my hometown, I would because I feel like, being here doesn't help me, mentally, financially (I'd thought it would) and that's not the worst. Last Sunday, I had to go through an ordeal (I don't feel like going into the details right now) to finally get my last wisdom tooth removed because it'd been infected, recurrently and causing me so much pain. I thought I was gonna die but thank God, I'm doing better now. I'm still recovering though.

     Anyway, looks like I'm not getting myself anything for my birthday next year because even if I'd get money, I'd have to save it for next month's rent and bill. I thought of getting that Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses (which I hope will still be available when I can finally afford them again) but the plan's outta the window now. The latest I could get them is maybe in February or March, given I've got a job by then. Yeah, in my life, nothing ever goes as planned, everything always goes awry and I'd have to figure out how to fix it.

    I don't know how and if I'm gonna get a job but I still hope.

With a Heavy Heart

    So, aku kena pack bag aku sebab esok aku dah nak balik sana and I'm just sad about leaving my mum tapi tulah, sampai bila aku nak stay dekat sini kan, if not now? I need to build a better, comfortable life for my mum and myself and sadly, that requires me working outta state because it's virtually impossible here.

    I envy those whose parents live near them and every weekend, they'd go home, whereas in my situation, I can only go home once a month, just for one weekend. I don't like wallowing in self-pity but I do have a hard life. I'm not like, my life's the hardest but it's never been a smooth sail, there's always a storm waiting for me and normally, I've gotta brave it alone.

    Sometimes, I'm tired of having to be strong and independent. I wish someone could take the wheel for me and let me rest, like really rest, until I'm ready to face the world again but so far, it's always been just me, in this journey.

    Anyway, I plan to spend less next year than I have this year so I'm gonna limit my purchase by listing out my wishes and I hope I'll stick to it (I might add a few more though if I get a proper job).

1. Fendi mirror clutch bag
2. Versace Goddess T-shirt
3. Versace sunglasses
4. Send my Balenciaga Part Time bag for restoration
5. Versace bowling bag (not confirmed)
6. Versace belt (optional)
   

Dreadfully Counting the Days

     Tinggal 2 hari je lagi sebelum aku nak kena balik sana dan hati aku rasa berat nak tinggal mak aku. I wish I could bring her with me. Nak tak nak, aku nak kena balik sana sebab satu, obviously, aku nak kena kerja, buat duit, sampai bila aku nak bergantung dekat mak aku dan macam mana aku nak beli apa yang aku nak kalau aku tak de kerja dan dua, aku tak berapa tenang dekat sini sebab aku risau pasal bag dan boots Versace aku dekat rumah sewa aku.

    Kawan aku adalah offer satu kerja part time ni. Gaji RM2,000. It's not much but at least it's something, sementara aku nak cari kerja yang lebih baik. Aku rasa macam confidence dan skills aku makin berkarat? Sebab aku rasa anxious nak sambung kerja balik. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak tidur je and I wish, bila aku bangun, this was just a long dream but I've been on a break nearly a month now and I think it's more than what I need, aku kena mula before it gets worse.

    To be completely honest, I'm nervy about this. I don't know what to expect, I've just gotta dive and find out all by myself.

Midnight Ramblings, Again

    So, it's been nearly a month and I still haven't got a job. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can, I've applied for countless jobs. The only thing I can do is, wait, pray and hope for the best. Unhappy? Obviously, I am but I'm not that sort that likes to display my emotions. I smile, I laugh, I make jokes but deep inside, only God knows how I truly feel. My mum can tell I'm not happy because from time to time, she'd tell me to be patient.

    The only thing that makes me happy a bit, is my Balenciaga Part Time bag. I don't know why but every time I look at it, I feel happy, for a while before I get crushed by the harsh reality again. I'm still glad I got it though. Oh and I'm going back to my place next Thursday because I've still got my belongings there and I need to check if they're okay but I feel sad about leaving my mum. I'm definitely gonna be missing her.

    Anyway, last night, I dropped a comment, on one of my crush's photos on Instagram, hoping he would notice me. I'm not sure if he did but I'm sure he got a notification and he didn't reply my comment or follow me back, lol. He posted a story so clearly, he was on Instagram. Maybe I'm not his type. I can't make someone like me when they're not interested in me.

    What sorta annoys me is, he follows this one person and likes this person's pictures. This person is clearly into him because this person copies his aesthetic. He's got a pair of Balenciaga sunglesses? This person does too but a knockoff. The only difference is, the former is rich but the latter is poor but pretending to be rich. Like, how could you not follow me but you could follow someone pretentious? Give me a freaking break.

Midnight Ramblings

    I've been thinking of the Fendi mirror clutch bag and I want it really badly but I just can't afford it at the moment because I've got no income. I'm desperately looking for a job so I can at least reserve it first (pay 50% of the price) before someone else snatches it. I know there are a lot more important things I need to be worried about but I just can't stop thinking of it.

    By the way, remember the guy I ran into at IKEA years ago? Well, last night, after I got home from a getaway with my family, I was on Tinder when I found this one guy and he just looks familiar. It wasn't like me trying to convince myself I've finally found him again, I just intuitively felt like, it's him, that's him. He looks just like how I remembered him. It felt surreal, it felt like a dream, I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe I would find him again, it's totally by change, it's a miracle. Obviously, I swiped right but I don't know if he still remembers me and if he'd swipe right on me.

    Anyway, back to bag, I'm not sure whether I've said this before or not but I just love my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau. It's definitely one of my best purchases. I'd love to get it restored when I've got money again. At first, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision and I wasn't sure about the colour but now I just can't stop looking at it. It's so beautiful. I just love how slouchy it is but still feels punk and I love the fringes and the fact that it's east-west. I'm so glad I got it instead of the City bag which is more square than rectangular. Also, it can carry a lot of things.

Stressed Out & On the Edge

    It's been two weeks since I left my company and I haven't got a job. I'm trying to get a job before New Year and the job-hunting is taking a toll on me. One of my worst fears came true. I'm unemployed again and I'm scared I'm gonna be like this for God knows how long, months? Years? I'd been trying so hard not to let it happen, somehow but it did. I know it's outta my control but I feel like, I should've started looking for a job the moment I knew my contract wasn't gonna be renewed.

    Speaking of which, that's the only thing that brings me some comfort, knowing it was inevitable, no matter what I did, those two bitches hate my guts from the get-go and they were never gonna keep me. Even if they were, it was only to exploit me: make me do their work, berate me and then take all the credit. There was nothing I could do about it and it wasn't my fault.

    Anyway, highlight of the day was, my crush accepted my request to connect with him on LinkedIn. Yes, I found him on LinkedIn and I didn't expect him to accept my request. He didn't look at my profile so nothing's most probably gonna happen but it's something to me at least.

PS I found this Alexander McQueen bag on eBay and I'm sorta intrigued (it's from the Plato's Atlantis collection and I didn't know he made bags back then).

You Know What You Want but You Just Don't Have the Means

    Believe it or not, I rarely get rambang mata or spoilt with choices. When I go to a shop, I've already known what I want. Unless I go window shopping, then I'd just browse just to spend time and probably end up not buying anything because I've got something very specific in mind when it comes to what I want, unless I don't mind settling for less a bit, you know what I mean?

    Though, I'm not sure if I could say most of the things I've bought are informed purchases? I've admittedly made impulse purchases a number of times.

    Anyway, despite knowing what I want, most of the time, I just don't have the means, specifically, financial means.

    I still remember, when I was in my early 20s, I was obsessed with Topman, it was one of the it high street brands and I was obsessed with this striped, oversized, sleeveless T-shirt and a Rio de Janeiro T-shirt? I was also obsessed with this River Island peacock print shirt and a koi fish print shirt and I just couldn't afford them at the time because I simply didn't have money.

    Looking back, of course, I don't mind missing them at all. In fact, I've still got this one River Island leaf print shirt (I can't really remember how I managed to get it, maybe I borrowed my friend's money) which I still find beautiful but I don't wear it often because I think it's sorta outta style.

    The reason I'm writing this is I really want the Fendi mirror clutch bag, the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses and it makes me sad I can't afford them at the moment because I haven't got a job. I know it probably sounds so trivial and materialistic and it's the last thing I need to worry about  but I hate being in this situation. It takes me back to the time when I had to entirely depend on my mum and it makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

    I really hope I'll get a better paying job soon so I could get them before my birthday next year. Sigh.

I Wish You Were Here

    Aku baru habis tengok haul video favourite YouTuber aku, Cassie Thorpe (I wish I was rich as her, ugh and if I was, I think I would've got everything I want by now) dan aku terbayang how nice it would be to have someone to watch it with and to talk about it with, sambil makan malam. Dia tak minat pun benda - benda luxury fashion ni tapi dia tengok juga sebab aku suka. We would talk about which item we think is nice and what's not until it's time to go to bed.

    Sadly, there's no one who's that willing to be invested in my interests. Not saying my mum doesn't love me, in fact, she loves me more than anyone else in this world and she knows what my interests are but I still hope, and dream of meeting this person one day. I don't know if I ever would, maybe I'd go without ever meeting this person, just the hope and dream.

    I found this guy on Instagram (I've moved on from my previous crush, he's actually so annoying) and he looks like the person in my imagination. I don't think he'd ever be interested in me or if we'd ever cross paths or maybe he's actually annoying too but he's so dreamy.

Rage, Rage Against the Pigs

    Tadi, aku sampai rumah dari kerja, aku terus tidur. Aku memang plan nak balik awal hari ni sebab aku masih penat dari semalam. Tadi, aku baru terbangun dan sekarang, aku tak boleh nak tidur balik sebab ada perasaan yang membuak - buak dalam hati aku.

    Marah.

    Marah yang sampai aku rasa macam nak menangis, bukan sebab aku sedih tapi sebab aku tak boleh lepaskan kemarahan aku dekat orang yang buat aku marah dan kemarahan ni dah terlalu lama terpendam dalam diri aku and for some reason, sekarang baru nak terkeluar perasaan ni.

    Yalah, I'm not someone who can get people I hate, fired or terminated or whatever, I don't have that sort of power or influence or connection, I'm just a person who's trying to build a better life for myself and my mum.

    I do wish I could make them suffer for what they did to me, I do wish them sufferings. I'm that angry.

    I hate them so much. I have nothing but hatred towards them.

    It's one thing to be stupid but it's another thing to blame others for your stupidity.

    What makes these people the worst is, they'll most probably never take accountability for their stupidity and they'll continue blaming others for the rest of their lives.

    Maybe, just maybe, deep inside, they do know they're stupid, incompetent, lazy, ugly and they'll most probably never be successful and they're projecting their insecurities towards other people.

    'You're not presentable.' That's rich, coming from two, frumpy, fat, ugly, with no sense of style or fashion, pigs.

    Acah - acah kaya, makan dekat restaurant mahal je, tidur dekat hotel mahal je, pergi melancong dekat tempat - tempat exotic je, kenal orang ni, orang tu tapi tetap kampung.

    Aku tak acah - acah kaya, aku sedar siapa diri aku, taste aku mungkin macam high maintenance tapi aku masih rendah diri, aku ingat asal - usul aku, aku tak pandang rendah dekat orang lain, aku tak kisah makan dekat warung tepi jalan asalkan sedap, aku tak kisah pakai T-shirt, track bottom dan selipar pergi market atau supermarket, aku tak kisah tidur dekat hotel bajet kalau bersih dan selesa dan paling penting, aku berdoa aku takkan lupa diri macam orang - orang macam ni.

    Aku tak acah - acah kaya sebab nampak BODOH sebab ada orang lagi kaya daripada aku tapi tak menunjuk pun.

    Kalau kau rasa aku acah - acah kaya, kau yang insecure.

    Pandang rendah dekat aku, buat macam aku yang kampung padahal kauorang yang kampung, dress up macam mak cik pasar. You can act rich but your face says it all. So funny. Hiduplah dalam delusion while I'm building my life. Sama - sama pegang tangan, tell each other, 'we're not stupid, we're not ugly, we're not fat.'

    Mereputlah dekat company syok sendiri tu yang perasan international tapi orang tempatan pun tak kenal. Bila kau mati pun, takkan ada legacy pun. You'll be replaced with new faces. Kalau orang ingat pasal kau pun, orang cuma ingat, that bitch from that department.

    Aku bersyukur I'm not born as you two. So unfortunate. Sebab tu Tuhan pun cipta kauorang hodoh, sebab Dia tahu kauorang akan jadi jahat. Yes, I've gained weight but I can always lose it. Kauorang? Buatlah plastic surgery ke apa, tetap hodoh.

    Dahlah hodoh, jahat pula tu, lagilah hodoh. God is good. Aku kesian dekat anak - anak kauorang. Dapat kauorang sebagai mak. So unfortunate, dapat mak yang hodoh, bodoh dan jahat.

    Aku tak sabar nak balik hometown aku dan jumpa mak aku. I'm sick of this place. Tinggal dua hari lagi. Aku harap sangat esok pun diaorang "work from home" also known as bermalasan dekat rumah tapi acah - acah buat kerja tapi kerja tak siap pun lepas tu suruh orang buat ni, buat tu.

    Orang cakap tak baik doakan benda - benda tak elok dekat orang lain but I still pray for their downfall, for them to be humiliated, for them to feel how they made me feel.

Venting Before Going to Sleep

    This might sound trivial and it probably is, but I'm sorta sad, knowing I'm probably not gonna get the Versace Goddess T-shirt this month because I need to get the sunglasses first before they're sold out. I want it really badly. Also, I need to get the Fendi mirror clutch bag too before it's sold to someone else. On top of that, these all depend on whether I'm gonna get a job or not which is terrifying. I wish I had a lot of savings, a financial security blanket so I wouldn't be as terrified as I am now. Sigh. God, please help me. Only You can help me, nobody else can except You.

Uncertainty

    I hate living in uncertainty. Yes, aku dah resign daripada kerja aku sekarang sebab aku dah tak boleh tahan. Dahlah kerja banyak dan bukan minat aku tapi gaji sikit, position temporary tapi tak ubah - ubah jadi permanent dan boss dan assistant manager tak suka aku. Mungkin sesetengah orang akan kata aku bodoh sebab tak secure a job before resigning tapi aku dah tak boleh tahan walaupun aku ada a good support system, aku ada ramai kawan sini yang support aku. Aku harap sangat aku akan dapat kerja secepat mungkin. Aku dah apply entah berapa banyak kerja, aku harap sekurang - kurangnya aku akan dapat satu dan aku harap kerja lepas ni lebih baik daripada kerja sekarang.

    Aku bukan tak takut, aku takut sangat, aku takut aku akan menganggur balik macam dulu. Dulu aku menganggur nak dekat enam tahun wei, aku pun tak tahulah macam mana aku boleh survive sampai sekarang. To be completely honest, aku tak berapa ingat sangat tahun - tahun tu. Menyesal? Of course tapi tak de apa yang aku boleh buat so aku cuba bawa bertenang dan go on dengan hidup aku. I guess sebab tu aku cuba distract diri aku dengan barang - barang luxury.

    Speaking of luxury, aku baru beli spek Versace tu sebab sekarang tengah ada sale. I'm so excited, I can't wait to try them on. Sadly, aku tak de duit cukup sekarang nak beli sunglasses Versace tu so nak tak nak, aku kena tunggu sampai dapat gaji juga.

    By the way, mula - mula, aku tak minat sangat beg Versace ni tapi lama - lama, aku rasa cantik juga beg ni.

    Versace Tag bag in lime. Harga dia RM6,000+++. Aku harap bila sale pertengahan tahun depan, harga dia akan turun jadi RM3,000 lebih.

    Also, aku dah bagi beg Fendi tu dekat mak aku sebab mak aku suka beg tu. The good news is, seller beg tu offer dekat aku beg yang sama tapi aku lebih suka yang ni.

    I mean, how can I say no to this? It reminds me of the Louis Vuitton mirroir collection.

Awful

    I just feel so awful right now. I wish someone was here, to comfort me and to keep me company. I feel so lonely right now. I'm scared. What's gonna happen to me? I wish someone would hold my hands and say, 'you don't have to go through this alone, we'll go through it together.' I feel like crying. Are they pent up feelings that are finally boiling up after so long? I don't know. I don't wanna go out. I just wanna stay at home. I just wanna sleep into oblivion and when I wake up, it's just a long bad dream. I had a strange dream today. It made me feel certain kind of way that I just can't describe. Standing at the rooftop of a building at night in the rain and I could see all the skyscrapers around me but then, one by one became dark. I just wanna sleep, I just wanna sleep, in the hope of everything will go away. Nothing feels the same any more. I think I need to get outta this place.

I'm Fine

    I'm not cool like you. I wish I could be you, or like you, but I'll never write cool captions like you do. I'll never travel to cool places like you did. I'll never look cool like you. I'll never wear cool clothes like yours. But it's fine. At least I'm being myself. At least I'm not pretending to be someone else. And, I may not have what you have, but I have seen, heard and experienced things, beautiful things you might never see, hear or experience, and that's pretty cool.

I Wish I Could Be Cool Like You but At Least I'm Being Myself

    So, aku dah dapat beg Fendi tu and this is gonna sound ungrateful but I sorta regret it. When I unboxed it, it's smaller than I thought (I should go for big bags after this) and it's more art deco than biker-inspired. I must say though, being a bag from the 90s, it's in more than a fair condition. It's not that I don't like it or hate it, I do like it and maybe it'd grow on me in time, it's just not what I'd expected. 

    I feel like I should've got the Versace Goddess T-shirt first, maybe I would've been happier. I've been wanting it for more than a year now. The reason I didn't get it is I felt like, it's just a T-shirt, you know what I mean? It can wait and a bag is worth more than it but alas, I've learnt my lesson and that is to buy the things that have been in your wish list for quite sometime first before getting the newly listed ones.

Must Make It Until Pay Day

    It's the weekend and I'm glad I can have a break for a while but I can't really enjoy it because my pay day is next Tuesday so in the meantime, I've gotta find a way to occupy my time.

    Honestly, I can't wait to buy the Fendi bag so I'll have it in my possession. Speaking of bag, remember I talked about the Givenchy Voyou bag months ago? Well, I found one on eBay (brand new!) and it's being sold for less than RM3,000. For a Givenchy bag, that's considered low but this month, I'm gonna get the Fendi bag, next month and this November, I'm gonna save my money for the Versace glasses and Sunglasses so maybe I'd get it next year if it'd still be around by that time, on top of the Versace Goddess T-shirt.

Home Sweet Home

    So, aku ada dekat rumah aku sekarang. Aku balik hari Jumaat minggu lepas, aku ambil half day. Aku cuti sampai esok. I wish it'd been longer so I could stay here longer. It feels so good to be home, away from the hustle and bustle of city life for a while. Plus, I get to cook and I love cooking.

    I'm not really in the mood to get into this right but I feel like I'm floating and drifting in the middle of a vast sea. Aku macam tak de hala tuju dalam hidup aku sekarang. I know I wanna be a manager someday tapi manager apa? Aku pun tak tahu.

    So, I guess I turn to vintage luxury/designer bags to distract myself. It's an escape for me, from the harsh reality. I know it might sound ridiculous to some people but I've gotta do what I've gotta do to go on. Sigh.

    Speaking of vintage luxury/designer bags (I know, I promised not talk about them in the last post but I found a really good one), I found this Fendi vanity mirror clutch bag.

    I don't know what's got into me but I've been into brown lately and I like the zucca logo (I'm not usually into logos). Also, I think the celestial blue ties in perfectly with my Balenciaga Part-Time bag.

    I'm planning to get it this month, on my pay day. Honestly, it's the only thing I look forward to and motivates me to go to work.

More Bags! (I Hope This Will Be the Last Post About Bags, for Now)

    Lately, I've been inundated with a torrent of bags and this might sound dramatic but it's caused me stress partly because I'm not sure which one I really want (if I could, I would get 'em all but I don't have that much disposable income). I'm not really a bag person, I'm more of a shoe person but when it comes to bags, I guess I'm less picky, hence there are lotsa bags I like. So, last night, I narrowed down the bags to four.

    First of all, the Gucci x Doraemon bag. I'm not a fan of round bags but I love Doraemon. Initially, I wanted to get this bag for my mum but she doesn't want it so now I wanna get it for myself. Also, why did I never know about this collaboration?

    Next, the Celine Phantom tote bag. I'm not sure if I want this bag because it's got a face in the front and no zip and no strap but I put in the list simply because I like the colour and the dangles.

    Thirdly, the Versace Clash bag in purple tartan. I've spoken about this bag in the previous post but I'm just gonna add that I found out this bag came in two sizes, small and medium and this one is the medium, the red one is the small and I just can't do small bags so the only way is this. Unfortunately, at the moment, I haven't found this bag being sold anywhere but I've contacted an influencer if she'd sell this bag (her sister-in-law has one) and she told me she'll let me know so I'm just gonna wait. I really want this bag.

    Last but not least, the Givenchy Voyou bag. I don't know why but I'm starting to like brown bags and this bag just ticks the boxes for me. It's slouchy, it's a moto/motorbike-inspired bag and it's brown. I wish it had a zip though. I don't know if I'll ever be able to buy it because it's like RM10,000+++ but who knows.

    Also, the Balenciaga Neo Cagole City bag isn't in this list because it's too similar to my Balenciaga Part Time bag, as much as I love it but who knows if it'll be back.

    To make me feel less stressed out, I've stretched my wish list to next year so I'd feel less overwhelmed and pressured to get all the things off it.

Versace Clash Bag & Updated Wish List

    Versace Autumn/Winter 2018 is probably one of the most iconic Versace fashion shows because it was a tribute to the Clueless film. Surprisingly, although I'm a big fan of Versace, I'd never seen the show until today and I just love the tartan galore.

    When I saw this bag, I was immediately like, I want that bag. I think it's called the Icon bag. I just love the colour combination of the tartan. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it anywhere.

    Although this Clash bag didn't make a strong impression like the previous bag, it still intrigues me, especially the splice. Again, I love the colour combination of the tartan. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it anywhere either. However, I did find one but in a different colour combination.

    I must admit, I'm not a big fan of the colour combination but it's not a deal-breaker for me. Also, it's actually bigger than it looks,  It's still a small bag but I think it'd be a perfect dinner bag because I've been looking for one. So it's got into my wish list and here it is.

1. Versace Goddess T-shirt
2. Versace glasses
3. Versace sunglasses
4. Versace belt
5. Versace Clash bag
6. Versace Eros Parfum
7. Versace Eros Energy
8. A bag or a pair of shoes (for my mum)
9. A pair of shoes (for my brother, yet to be decided)
10. iPhone 15 Pro

PS I think I wanna start collecting designer pieces. I'd still buy stuff from Zara (but definitely no more bags and shoes from this brand), H&M, Converse and other brands though, if there's anything interesting.

Food & Bags!

    Okay, semalam aku makan dekat satu restaurant Spanish ni dan aku menyesal. Bukan tak sedap, Shirley Temple dan escargots dia sedap je (tapi mussels dia biasa je), tapi total dia, nak dekat RM100. RM100 for one night's dinner? That's unacceptable. Terus yang sedap pun rasa biasa je. Aku menyesal makan dekat situ, aku menyesal order mussels tu, aku patut makan escargots je, at least bill takkanlah setinggi tu.

    Sigh, aku mengaku, I'm a picky eater dan aku banyak habis duit dekat makanan. Aku pun tak tahulah macam mana nak kurangkan perbelanjaan aku dekat makanan. Nak masak sendiri, kena beli air fryer, pan, spatula dan bahan - bahan pula. Plus, aku tinggal dengan housemates so aku agak geli nak guna tempat masak tu. Kalau aku tinggal seorang, tak pe juga.

    Aku bukan tak cuba langsung kurangkan perbelanjaan aku dekat makanan. Aku limit makan sehari dua kali je, kadang - kadang aku makan sehari je (sebab at the same time, aku nak kurangkan berat badan) tapi kadang - kadang, aku jemu. Takkan aku nak paksa diri aku makan makanan yang eventually, aku tak habis makan dan tak puas pun.

    Anyway, I've been wanting to talk about bags. Ever since I got the Balenciaga Part Time bag, I've been loving it more and more. I'm still so glad and happy I got it. One of the best decisions I've ever made even though it was an impulse purchase. Of course, I shouldn't buy any more bags this year but it doesn't mean I can't go online window-shopping.

    First of all, this Balenciaga Neo Cagole City bag. I'm not sure why but I just love it's in the shape of an isosceles trapezium.

    Just look at the way it slouches, it's so good! Also, it looks busy but in a good way.

    I also love it's white (I'm not normally into white bags) but it's dirty so you won't have to really worry about it.

    Next, this Balenciaga Le City Bag. There's nothing much to talk about it, I just love the colour.

    Then, this Balenciaga Le Cagole bag. You know I love the east-west bags and I think this is a good one.

    Speaking of the east-west bags, this Givenchy Voyou bag got my attention.

    I've never been a fan of the Gucci Marmont bag but I must say, I like this one.

    This Gucci Horsebit clutch bag also intrigues me but it's way too expensive for me to ever own it.

    Now, you know I love the moto/biker-inspired bags too. This is the Balmain Blaze bag.

    It's also available in a bigger version.

    And in a different colourway that I like as well.

    Last but not least, this Chloe Paddington bag. I've never been a fan of Chloe but I'm not gonna deny, I'm intrigued with this one.

    Alright, that's all for today.

PS I need to save money to get the Versace Goddess T-shirt because it's on sale and the price keeps getting lower but I'm broke!

Burberry

    Ada satu malam tu, aku saja tengok fashion show Burberry Spring/Summer 2013 dan aku ada nampak satu beg menarik dekat runway fashion show tu: the transparent Blaze bag.

    Surprisingly, ada orang jual dekat Carousell dan aku dah keliru nak beli beg ni ke beg yang aku mention dalam post sebelum ni tapi walaupun beg ni cantik, dia ada beberapa cons yang buat aku hesitate nak beli.

    Satu, memanglah dia nampak cool sebab dia transparent tapi bila kau isi beg ni, dia nampak semak sebab kau boleh nampak barang - barang dalam beg tu. Dua, dia tak de cross-body strap. Tiga, dia ada kaki dan aku tak minat beg yang ada kaki.

    So, as much as I like this bag, I think I'll go with the Cinda bag.

Old Feelings

    Semalam, aku keluar dengan seorang kawan aku ni dan kitaorang keluar sampai lewat malam. By that time, dah tak de train untuk aku nak balik tempat aku so aku stay dekat rumah dia. Malam tadi, aku tak boleh tidur. Old feelings came back, aku rasa sedih, aku rasa keliru. Perasaan ni memang dah lama membuak dalam diri aku tapi aku tak de masa nak process sebelum ni sebab aku sibuk dan penat. Aku cuba cari the reason aku rasa macam ni but I couldn't find it and eventually, I fell asleep.

    Hari ni pun, aku masih rasa agak pelik. Maybe I should be close to God again, I've been distant and astray for too long.

    Anyway, aku ada jumpa satu vintage Burberry biker-inspired/moto bag (you know I'm a sucker for this kind of bag) in beige patent leather ni and the price is around which RM1,000 which I think is acceptable. It's also an east-west sorta bag which I love (another style of bag I love is the hobo bag). Although I love patent leather, I don't have many bags and shoes in patent leather because they're of high maintenance, they get scratched and smudged easily, you can see fingerprints and dust all over them but, since this is a vintage bag, I won't have to really worry about it.

    Plus, it's from the Burberry Prorsum line which has been discontinued and I used to be fascinated by Burberry by Christopher Bailey because he was able to capture the essence of London coolness and chic so this is like me reliving my youth when I couldn't afford luxury.

Plot Twist

    So, kan dalam post sebelum ni, aku kata aku nak beli T-shirt Versace Goddess tu. Well, I didn't. Instead, I bought a vintage Balenciaga Motorcycle bag, specifically the Part Time bag, in mint green, from the Spring/Summer 2014 collection (I googled it!). Okay, it was an impulsive purchase because I started becoming obsessed with it last Monday and four days later, I purchased it. At first, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision because, obviously, since it's a vintage bag, it's not in mint condition and it's not my favourite colour (at first I wanted the City bag in lemon yellow but the seller ignored me so I had to find another one and I found this and I realised I prefer the the Part Time bag which is an east-west bag than the City bag, also, the price isn't too crazy and I plan to get it restored and repainted in royal purple next month and maybe get the hardware repainted as well in silver with mirror finish) but this morning, when I woke up, it dawned on me maybe it is the right choice because I can't stop looking at it, I think I love it.

    I do feel sad about not buying the Versace Goddess T-shirt yet. I will though, inshallah, sometime around this year. I hope it'll still be available in my size by the time I'm gonna buy it. I think it'd go well with this bag in royal purple, aside from the Versace Repeat bag. Also, at this point, it's become obvi I'm into biker chic even though I'm not a biker.

    Anyway, enough of the material stuff. I just wanna say, I might change my mind about this when I'm in a bad mood but just now, I sorta had an epiphany I'm in a better place than I used to be and I'm just thankful for that. Alhamdulillah.

    Alright, that's all for tonight. Goodnight.

Self-Reward

    Tinggal sepuluh hari lagi sebelum gaji aku masuk, inshallah, dan aku tak sabar sebab bulan ni aku nak reward diri - sendiri (bulan lepas aku kena bayar hutang). Aku plan nak beli T-shirt Versace Goddess tu, finally, after waiting more than a year. It'd be my first luxury ready-to-wear. Tahun ni juga aku plan nak beli glasses dan sunglasses Versace tu.

    Anyway, actually, aku tengah recover from a cold. It started last Wednesday, tekak aku rasa tak sedap. On Thursday, it got worse, hidung aku pedih gila so aku pergi clinic dan aku dapat MC untuk hari Jumaat, teehee. It got the worst on Friday, aku tidur je sepanjang hari tu. Hari Sabtu, alhamdulillah, okay sikit dan hari ni, I feel better than yesterday.

    Sebelum aku sambung tidur, aku nak cakap sikit. Satu, aku tengok dekat Instagram, orang macam pakat berlumba - lumba nak melancong, which raises a question, kauorang memang suka melancong atau sekadar cari content, nak tunjuk dekat orang, kauoang ada "life" dan benda ni buat aku jadi tak minat nak melancong. Akukan counterculture so bila ramai orang pakat buat satu benda, aku jadi tak minat nak buat benda tu.

    Dua, aku tengok crush aku tu pakai Burberry, Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Loewe, Miu Miu, Prada, it makes me wonder, orang macam dia ni, betul - betul minat brand - brand ni atau ikut trend? Some of these brands are definitely trending at the moment and they're all a status symbol. Macam aku, semua orang tahu aku minat Versace. Sebab tulah, bagi aku, pentingnya kena curate your wardrobe sebab kalau tak, kau lose direction.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak sambung tidur.

Managing My Finances

    I'm not one to talk about managing finances, okay? I've splurged, I've made impulse purchases, I don't have a saving, but, that doesn't mean I can't talk about what you can do to improve your financial situation, if you're someone like me or in a similar situation I'm in.

    So, my job isn't well paid, I don't live with my family, I rent a room but I do get a monthly allowance or financial aid or whatever you call it, from my mum to pay for my commute and food. Obviously, this isn't sustainable because I can't always depend on my mum or anyone else for ever so I need to start managing my finances wisely and strictly, given my job (hopefully I'll get a better paying job in the future) and the situation I'm in.

    So, what I do is, I've made a spreadsheet of my expenses so I can see what I spend a lot on and then I can try to spend less on that stuff, for instance, food.

    The other thing I do is and I've just started this, to set a time limit for the stuff I want so I won't make impulse purchases, for instance, I need to wait for at least one year before I can buy items that cost RM1,000 and above. For items that cost RM999 and below, I need to wait for at least six months. This is very hard to adhere to because it requires lotsa self-control and discipline, especially when there is a sale or the item is almost sold out.

    Last but not least, before you make a purchase, you must make sure you've still got money left.

    So, yeah, these are the things (they are no-brainers actually) that I can do to manage my finances, as far as I know.

I'm Not Exactly Where I Wanna Be

    I've just taken a night walk and when I was walking, a thought came to mind, 'I'm not exactly where I wanna be.'

    I know I'm meant to be here even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment and God put me here for a reason and I'm not gonna argue about that, that's not my point. My point is, as much as it pains me to say this and I love this place (not my workplace), but I need to leave if I wanna a better life, not just for myself but also for my mum.

    Early on, I knew, to a certain extent, my workplace was gonna be toxic. I got the vibes the first day I came to work though in the beginning, it was tolerable but then it turned worse and then it became tolerable again but now it's becoming more and more unbearable. I'm not well-paid, I've got a bitch for a boss, I'm not doing what I wanna do and the toxicity is becoming more and more nauseating.

    It's sad that I've gotta think not once, not twice but multiple times before spending my money on something. Some people might think, 'then why did you buy the Versace boots and bag?' Well, I'm not gonna justify my splurges but all I can say is, one, they weren't impulse purchases and two, I got extra money which I know I could've saved for something that's way more important.

    I just, wanna get to the point where I don't have to depend on my mum or anyone, I don't have to worry so much about money and I've got a saving.

PS This is gonna sound materialistic of me but I think, one of the things that bother me is, I've gotta accept that I'm probably not gonna be able to buy lotsa things from my wish list, especially the Versace Contrasto collection and I've gotta let them go.

When Will My Life Actually Get Better...

    Aku baru balik sini pagi tadi sebab esok dah kerja. Alhamdulillah, perjalanan smooth kali ni, tak de orang annoying but I'm already homesick, I miss my mum. Lepas aku sampai rumah, aku terus tidur. Then I woke up with a throbbing headache, maybe because I slept in the wrong position. Nasib baiklah aku ada paracetamol lagi walaupun bukan Panadol, kalau tak, aku kena bertahan sampai esok pagi.

    Entahlah tapi hari ni, aku rasa sedih. Actually, I've been feeling like this lately.

    First of all, I know it's gonna take sometime before I start seeing the result (I've been working out and practising mindful eating) tapi aku dah tak confident macam masa berat aku 50+. Aku benci tengok gambar aku sendiri. Bila nak ambil gambar, kena ambil from certain angle baru tak nampak double chin. I don't mind a bit of double chin sebab aku tak suka jawline yang tajam.

    This brings me to my second point and that is, I envy my crush. I know this isn't entirely true but he seems like he's got it all to me. He's good-looking, he's got a banging body, he's got money, he's perfect and I'm the opposite of him, I'm fat, I'm broke. I wish I could be him or like him. I know I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't help it.

    Last but not least, dekat tempat kerja aku sekarang, aku dapat boss puaka and it makes me sad sebab aku ingat, I'd been through the worst masa dekat uni dulu (classmates bodoh sombong, jahat, kampung) and things would get better but now it's the same freaking thing all over again. Bilalah hidup aku would actually get better...

Sejenis Huda Ruhiz but This One Doesn't Steal Other People's Content

    Okay, aku baru mandi so aku rasa segar sikit. Kenapa sikit? Because I had a shitty day today. Apa kaitan dengan tajuk post ni? Tak de kaitan tapi aku nak cakap sikit pasal seorang perempuan ni (kawan crush aku tu).

    So, ever since I started working here, I've been getting comments about my sexuality (when I was at uni, I never got these comments at all) and even though they offend and annoy me, I usually would just brush them off because I don't entertain them but today, they got to me. They made me feel as if I'm not good enough, as if that's all about me, nothing else matters, my kindness, my feelings, me as a person, as a human, if that makes sense, all the work I've put into myself over so many years just get minimised by this label. I know it's not true because I know myself but I can't help it, they still bother me and I've just had enough. I've had enough of these comments. I'm not gonna let anyone reduce me into a label. I'm more than just a label. I have a mother who loves me, who prays for me and I've been through so much, both the best and the worst, and I'm not gonna tell you what I've seen but I'm not gonna let you make me feel like I'm just a label.

    I'm rarely able to express my feelings in words but this sums up how I feel.

    Anyway, kan aku follow semua followings crush aku (when I said semua, I really meant all of them), ada hari tu, entah macam mana, aku termasuk profile kawan dia kot. Post apa tak de, ada highlight je. Aku tekan, terus terpampang gambar crush aku tu. Aku belek, kebanyakan gambar dan video crush aku tu, aku pun syoklah sebab dia macam lubuk untuk aku ambil screenshot dan recording (aku baru tahu suara dia macam mana). Not gonna lie, they show me a different perspective of him that I'd never seen before. Pada masa yang sama, kawan dia tu...

    Aku bukanlah saja - saja nak tak suka orang, kutuk orang but she reminds of that scammer, bukan dia scam orang tapi dia menunjuk dan aku benci orang menunjuk. Okay, aku rasa, crush aku tu anak orang kaya dan dia kerja doctor, so dia bolehlah beli Burberry, Loewe, Miu Miu, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Saint Laurent, even Hermes and all that tapi kawan dia tu? Dahlah mak cik, crush aku tu lebih muda daripada aku. Lepas tu, tak nampak kaya pun tapi acah - acah macam dia pun kaya macam crush aku tu, beli barang luxury tapi barang - barang macam accessories sajalah. Tu pun, dia tayang. Bagi aku, kalau kau mampu beli barang macam card holder je, lebih baik tak payahlah, bazir duit je. Beg, kasut tak pe juga.

    Bukan setakat tu je dia tayang, dia tayang crush aku tu. Nak bagi semua orang tahu dia berkawan dengan crush aku tu, dia ada kawan handsome. I'm sorry but the "friendship" feels weird, macam mak cik dengan anak saudara. Also, diaorang tak nampak ngam langsung. It's just sad, sebab dia nampak try hard sangat nak fit dengan crush I tu.

    Okay lah, yang tu sajalah for now, aku dah nak tidur. Goodnight.

Emotional Rollercoaster

    Today's been an emotional roller coaster for me. Kejap aku happy, kejap aku sedih dan aku sedih sebab a number of things.

    One, berat aku dah 60+ sekarang. BMI aku dah nak masuk overweight. To be completely honest, I'm not happy with my current body, I don't like seeing my reflection in the mirror. I'm outta shape and I need to get back in shape before it gets worse and harder to lose weight. Aku nak berat aku 50+ balik. Dulu, masa berat aku 50+, I felt hot, confident and comfortable in my own skin. Sekarang, nak ambil gambar pun payah, kena pastikan tak de double chin.

    This leads me to my second point and that is, it affects my marketability. My dating life sucks. Orang yang aku nak tak nak dekat aku. Orang yang nak dekat aku, yang aku tak nak. Ye, aku tahu, aku pun gemuk tapi tak delah obese ke apa, at least aku ada rupa lagi. I'm tired. I'm tired of being single. I've been single for too long. Dah bertahun - tahun aku single. Sometimes, I get lonely, especially at night. I wish I had someone to talk to, to hold on to.

    Thirdly, update pasal plan aku nak bagi crush aku tu notice aku, it makes me feel awful. Kau bayangkan, dia tak follow aku balik tapi dia follow orang yang hodoh, buruk, jongang, gemuk, pondan, bapuk, muka pelik. It honestly pisses me off. Aku rasa macam nak jumpa dia dan tanya dia, what is your problem? Kau pakai spek tapi kau still tak nampak ke? Like, hello, look at me and then look at them. Aku tak de masalah kalau yang dia follow hot tapi ni, oh, asalkan badan berketak je, folow, macam bodoh, nafsu semata - mata.

    Sorry, I like you, you're cute but you've got a poor taste, you need help, seriously. Nevertheless, bila aku tengok muka dia melalu stories kawan dia dekat Instagram, my heart melts. He's so dreamy. I wish he was mine. Why can't I have him?

Midnight Ramblings

    Last year, I installed Tinder and Bumble, hoping to end my singlehood but obviously, I'm still very much single. I've met a number of people though and one of them is this guy.

    We've never matched (I think he swiped left on me. Also, I think he's into Chinese. Fine, I'm fat (at the moment) and short) but I follow him on Instagram because he leaves his handle in the bio (he's never followed me back) and as time passes by, I start to develop a crush on him. I realised it when a few days ago, he posted a video of him having fun with his friends and I felt painfully jealous.

    I don't think I'm his type and I don't think I'd ever be his type but he's my type. He's good-looking, he's got a banging body, he's stylish. Plus, he's into luxury fashion like I am (the difference is he's rich and I'm not).

    This is gonna sound weird but it's fine if we'd never be lovers (I don't even expect us to be), I just wanna be friends with him even though I don't know him. For all I know, he could be a shitty person but I just wanna get to know him.

    So, today, I got an idea. I followed his followings to get him noticed me since I should be up in his recommendation due to mutuals. Still, doesn't guarantee he'll follow me back but I'm trying to penetrate his circle, somehow.

So Little Money yet So Many Things to Buy

    Aku dah lama nak tulis tapi entah kenapa aku tak tulis - tulis, mungkin aku cuma malas.

    Anyway, malam ni, aku cuma nak write down wish list aku. Kalau aku ada masa dan mood nanti, aku explain satu per satu.

Mamma Mia, Here We Go Again

    Okay, I know I've just got my dream bag but I can't stop thinking of this bag. It's so beautiful.

    This is the Givenchy Voyou bag in black nylon. It looks sorta similar to my Versace Repeat bag but for some reason, all the other Voyou bags are triangular and only this one is round, I guess I've got a thing for rounded bags.

    I'm not a big fan of nylon but I know it's more hard-wearing than leather and that's the reason I wanna get this bag because I don't wanna wear my Versace bag too often to minimise the wear & tear. This would be my daily bag.

    However, the price is RM8,500 which is too much for me. If it goes on sale and the price drops to RM3,000+++, I hope by that time (maybe next year), I'll have enough money to buy it.