Please Come Back Home

    I'm going back to my hometown tonight, for a week, and I can't wait to see my family, especially my mum (I feel so safe and peaceful round her), and my cat, but I feel sad to leave without telling or seeing him. I know I mustn't reach out to him because I don't want him to pull further away from me, but still, I wish I could text him, like I used to, and he'd wish me a safe journey.

    I wish I could tell him what happened to me last week, I wish I could tell him everything that's happened to me since the last time we saw each other which was nearly three months ago, I wish I could tell him it's been so hard being here without him, having to do everything all by myself. He gave me a reason to keep going, but now, the reason is gone, because he is the reason.

    I know, I know I mustn't reach out to him because it's only going to push him further away, and maybe, the friendship is still recovering from the damage I've done, but I still wish I could talk to him without making him become more distant from me. I wish he'd reach out to me instead, even if it's just a hey, so, at least, I know the connection is still alive, and there's still hope.

    O Allah, my Lord, only You have a hold of his heart, only You can change it, so, please, make him feel safe and comfortable to come back to me, and give him courage to text me.

A New Beginning?

    I don't know how and where to begin.

    It's been a while since my last post, but a lot of things happened, and I don't want to go into the details because it's still too painful for me to talk about it, I'm still processing everything.

    I've just moved into a new place yesterday, yet again, same apartment, just a different block, for reasons I don't want to talk about. All I can say is, I'm relieved I've finally got out of the previous place, I'm glad things turned out better than I'd thought, and I hope I can put it behind for good and start a new chapter.

    The moving process wasn't only physically draining, but also, mentally and emotionally. I had to go back and forth from the old block to the new one more than eight times, but I'm thankful to all the kind strangers who showed me kindness by helping me, they made the process less hard.

    Anyway, last Thursday, I posted a story on WhatsApp, as planned, of a picture of the gym at my apartment, with a caption, 'let's grow some muscles!' I was on the phone when 13 minutes later, I got a notification that he hearted my story, and it just felt like a ray of light amidst of the dark chaotic stormy sea I was struggling to navigate.

    I'm planning to post a story next Wednesday, of a photo of a beach at a resort I'm going to in Penang, if everything goes as planned, with a caption, 'selamat hari raya, everyone!' I wish he'd text me too, instead of just hearting my story, but I've got to be patient, because they take a long time to come round, so, I'll take what I get, even if it's just a heart.

Untitled

    I rarely write on weekdays, except when I really feel like writing, and today, I really feel like writing something.

    I had a fairly bad day today at work: I spilt some food and drink on myself, I forgot to avoid talking to my moody co-worker, I spent and ate more than I should, I said something I shouldn't have said, and my head was all over the place I couldn't really focus on my work.

    Because I ate so much, I had to go to the loo, and I sat in the cubicle for quite a while. While I was sitting, alone, a thought came to mind, and I hadn't been visited by it for rather sometime. I thought of two of my former close friends, N&N. I thought of how nice it would've been if we were still friends: I wouldn't have depended so much on Shorty 2.0, hence our friendship wouldn't have been as damaged, and I would go out with them, to the shopping centres, to the restaurants, to the karaoke bars, to the cinemas, we would have so much fun.

    It's been nearly a year since we last spoke, and it feels like a different life, it feels like a lifetime ago. I've tried making new friends, and I try not to compare, but I haven't found ones who I get on with like I got on with them, who get me the way they did, I don't know if I ever would. We were inseparable, and the thought of one day we'd be separated never crossed my mind, so, when that day came, it was, and still is, hard for me to accept it's the end of our friendship.

    I genuinely don't know what I did wrong, but I can admit, maybe, I came across as I was making things about myself even though I was trying to be supportive, and I should've listened more, and spoken less, and when things got heated, I should've backed down, instead of trying to convince them I meant well. I have apologised, more than once, and I have given space and time, but as the days pass by, it seems more and more unlikely we'd ever reunite.

    Nevertheless, my door is always open to them, if they ever want to come back. People say, 'never say never.' It's been hard living without them, because they were a big part of my life, so, when I lost them, I lost a big part of my life, and I became lost. I had to go through a seemingly unending dark tunnel, and I hardly could see the light at the end of it, and I felt so alone, and I almost lost hope when I met Shorty 2.0. That's why when I met him, I clung tightly to him, because I finally found a reason to keep going, and when I lost him too, I was devastated, I felt like I was back in the seemingly unending dark tunnel.

    I wish I could talk to them, tell them everything that has happened to me for the past year, about Shorty 2.0, and hear about everything that has happened to them. I wish we could be friends again like we used to be.

Standstill

    I posted a story on WhatsApp (I'd been thinking about it since last Saturday because they didn't take the "bait", and I almost forgot to do it as I was so busy yesterday), of a photo of Masjid Negara, with a caption, 'salam Jumaat, everyone!' and on Telegram, of a photo of myself going out last Saturday, with a caption, 'who knew all I needed was good vibes, good food, smashing time, trashy music and (halal) beer to get me going again.' Did I really have a smashing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean I can't have a good time just because I'm still not fully alright. I haven't checked to see whether they've taken the "bait" or not, I'm scared to do so because I know I'm gonna be disappointed if they haven't and aren't going to. I think it's normal to check to see if they've taken the "bait", and it's also normal to be disappointed if they're haven't and aren't going to, it's like checking to see if a stray cat has eaten the food you leave it, as long as you don't spiral. If they're not going to take the "bait", I'm still going to keep posting a story on WhatsApp and Telegram once a week until they take the "bait". There's nothing else I can do to make them feel comfortable and safe to come back to me other than posting a "calm" story, praying and working on myself.

    A few days ago, I woke up feeling like I was in a standstill, and I still feel that way. I felt like, not only I've been through so much, but I've also learnt so much (the attachment theory is one of the best things I've ever discovered, it explains so much why I'm the way I am and why some people are the way they are), and I've done so much work on myself for the past weeks, but how do I put all these into practice if I'm not in contact with him? I'm aware that I have been putting some of them into practice while I'm not in contact with him, like not letting my emotions get the best of me, not making impulsive decisions and so forth, but I'll never truly know if I'm truly ready (I know I'll never be fully ready) to be friends with him again unless I try. It's like studying for an exam, and you do all these exercises, and you perform well in them, but you'll never know if your performance is going to be as good in the exam unless you take it. So, I did solat taubat, because one, I don't want our sins to keep us apart, and two, I don't want them to weigh me down and hold me back from progressing.

    I'm planning to text him early next month, but I'm not sure if I should. I don't think he 's going to ignore me, or give me a cold response, but I don't want to create a pattern of me always initiating because I know it's not good for the friendship in the long run, and I know it's best to let dismissive-avoidant people come to you instead of you coming to them, but at the same time, I worried if he's hesitant to reach out to me, in fear of I'd be upset with him. I don't know if he'd ever come back to me, and even if he would, I don't know when, like how long is it going to take for him to do so? Two months? Three months? Six months? One year? I don't know, but I still hope he will eventually, someday, somehow, and we can rebuild our friendship, and become close like we used to be.

PS I've just checked to see if they've seen my stories, and he hasn't seen my story on Telegram, but he's seen my story on WhatsApp, and he hearted it (I didn't expect him to take the "bait")!

That's Just the Way the Cookie Crumbles

    Yesterday, I went out with my colleagues to KLCC and Pavilion. I'd been looking forward to it because I'd just needed a break from everything. My life's been challenging, especially lately. I had a good time. When I got home, I felt sleepy, so, I went to bed. When I woke up, it was already Maghrib. I got up, and I prayed. While waiting for Isyak, I hung out at the balcony, and I saw his room lit up, and I saw someone passed by the window. I don't know whether it was him or a new tenant, but it triggered me, I felt horribly upset, not just with him, but also with myself, like, why am I doing this to myself?

    I went to my room, and I sat in my bed. I just wanted to move out of here, it's so painful to stay here, to be reminded of him. I posted a story on WhatsApp after I came home, of this week's highlights, to show him I'd been doing okay (not really, just a bit better), so, he'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me (I'll get back to this later), and it made me feel worse because he hadn't seen it. What made me feel even more bad was seeing his story on WhatsApp, of him having dinner at his new place.

    Then, I realised a few things. One, just because I felt like I needed to move out of here, which is valid, I'm not gonna invalidate myself, it doesn't mean I've really got to move out of here. I don't have to dismiss, ignore or suppress my feelings, like they do, but at the same time, I don't have to act on them. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay, it's good for me, because I'm training myself not to be impulsive. Plus, I haven't got a better job, so, for now, I've got to stay here.

    Two, sometimes, I think I'm okay, but other times, I realise I'm still not ready to see him. I can't let him see me like this. I'm still a mess, I'm gonna scare him off, but if he ever comes back to me, to make him stay this time, I need to get better. I can't keep dwelling on my feelings. It's normal to feel sad, or angry, or scared, but it doesn't mean I've got to be sad, or angry, or scared. It's hard, but this is what I've got to do, I've got to train myself to control my emotions.

    Three, I can't watch his stories, just like I can't watch my dismissive-avoidant friend's stories. I mustn't. I've got low tolerance for bullshit, and their stories just annoy the hell out of me. They bring out the worst in me, they make me want to flip a table, because I know they're not okay, but they're suppressing their negative feelings by pretending like they're alright. Secure people don't have to try so hard to show everyone they're alright. I can empathise, I can respect, I can understand it's their coping mechanism, and I wish it doesn't trigger me so much, but I just can't. So, because of that, I've got to keep hiding them, and avoiding them, for the sake of my mental health, which, in return, benefits the friendships. I can't get hurt so much if I don't see their stories.

    The third point brings me to the next point, and that is, to make them comfortable and safe to come back to me, I need to show them I've been doing okay, like coaxing a stray cat. They are supposedly attracted to calm, emotionally stable people, because that's what they aspire to be, despite their calm exterior. So, my plan is, to post stories on WhatsApp and/or Telegram, of me just enjoying life, even though that might not be entirely true, but just like my second point, just because I don't feel happy, it doesn't mean I've got to be unhappy. They might or might not take the "bait" at first, which is going to be frustrating, but I won't give up, I'll keep posting once a week, so, it wouldn't look I'm trying to get their attention. Once they take the bait, and they like the taste of it (they should), hopefully, they'd be more inclined to take the next bait, and the ones after, until they'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me, and I'm going to be warm but I'm going to keep a distance, because distant people drive them insane. This might sound like a game, a manipulation, especially to anxious-preoccupied people like me, but if they can "play a game" with us, why can't we do the same thing?

PS True healing comes from realising your issues & mistakes, acknowledging them, and working on yourself, and I wish I could say one day, it all worked out in the end.

How Long Is a While?

    For the past few days, I've been trying to act normal, in hope of things will get back to normal. It's very hard, it feels like pretending, and ignoring your feelings, but, is there another way, other than dwelling on my feelings?

    Last Sunday, just before nightfall, out of nowhere, I had the urge to go out for a walk, and so I did. From the neighbourhood, I could see my current block, and my previous block, where I was neighbours with Shorty 2.0. I could see the window of his room, and it was dark, even though night was falling. I had a feeling he'd moved out, but I had no proof to believe it.

    The next day, after I came home from work, I hung out at the balcony for a moment before I went to bed, and from there, I could see his room. Again, it was dark, even though it was already at night, but it was possible he didn't come home yet.

    Yesterday, I noticed he posted a story on WhatsApp, and I'd been avoiding his stories, but I needed a proof, so, I clicked it, and it was a picture of his new place, with a caption that, to me, felt like a snide remark to me. It didn't sting as much as I'd thought it would, but it still stung, especially because he didn't tell me (and I thought he'd move out this weekend or next weekend), and one of my fears came true: he'd really moved out. Yes, I didn't tell him too when I moved out, but that's because we weren't in a good place, but I thought we're in a slightly better place now, but I guess not really.

    I could've flipped out, deleting his number and all that, to "punish" him basically, but that's what he expects me to do, right? So, I defied his expectations. Instead, I deactivated my Instagram (I don't know if he'd ever notice this since he's not following me), and I hid his stories on WhatsApp (I don't know if he'd ever notice this either). If he'd ever notice it, he might think I flipped out, but he'd be confused to see I haven't deleted his number and all that.

    The reason I did those things was, I felt like, his stories were distracting me from getting better, and I don't need to see him acting like he's okay, when I know he's not okay. It's annoying. If he wanna do that, go ahead, but I'm gonna truly heal, unlike him, in silence, and I don't have to show it to everyone.

    Tomorrow's gonna be day 14, and like I said in my previous post, I think the longest time we weren't in contact was 14 days, and he reached out to me on the fifteenth day, but I just get the feeling I'm not gonna hear from him for a while, and I don't know long a while is gonna be this time, but I still hope he will, somehow, against all odds, even though he probably won't.

I Just Wanna Be Alone

    I woke up at 4 am, feeling frustrated. It's been ten days since the last time I heard from him, and he hasn't reached out to me. I know I've just said yesterday I believe he'll come back to me someday, but I'm still learning to trust him, and I can't help feeling frustrated. I feel like I've been trying to accommodate his needs, giving him space and time, but what about my needs? I don't ask for much, I'm not asking him to be in constant contact with me, to come and see me every day, but once in a while, I do wanna hear from him, like, 'how's your day?' or, 'what are you up to?' Is that too much to ask for?

    I'm not sure what the longest time was we weren't in contact. 14 days? So, maybe I just need to wait for another four days? I don't want to hope for something uncertain. Also, that was before we had big fights (we only had little fights prior to that), so, it might take longer since things are more complicated now, but then again, the way he responded to me the last time, he sounded like he was no longer annoyed with me or whatever, maybe he just needs some more time to deal with the move, before he's ready to see me? I'm not sure.

    I don't know if this means anything, but he didn't post any stories on Instagram and WhatsApp yesterday, but today, I saw him post stories again.

Bursting at the Seams

    If I was rich, I would've bought the house I'm renting at the moment. For an apartment, in Kuala Lumpur, it's huge, to me. There are a living room, a dining room, kitchen, a laundry room, four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a balcony. And it's not in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, it's on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, which I prefer.

    Anyway, am I enjoying this three-day weekend? Not really, but I came across something last night, that not only gave me some peace of mind, but also some hope, and some happiness, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time.

    So, I had a bad day yesterday. I didn't wanna go out, I just wanted to stay at home, but I had to, so I did, and sure enough, several bad things happened to me. When I came home, I was emotionally drained, so, I went to bed, and I woke up about three hours later. What made me wake up feeling worse was, I still hadn't heard anything from Shorty 2.0, and it'd been eight days since the last time we had a contact, but he'd been posting stories on Instagram (he hasn't followed me back which made me feel worse as well).

    As you can tell from my previous post, I was, well, anxious, and if you're familiar with the discourse on the attachment theory, you must be aware of the view that most people (mostly anxious-preoccupied people who refuse to accept the fact that they themselves are a part of the problem, and they need to work on themselves, so, instead, they put the blame on others, and expect everyone to accept them for who they are) hold is, dismissive-avoidant people are hopeless.

    As someone who's got a dismissive-avoidant close friend (I'd never fully realised this about him until I learnt about the attachment theory) for nearly 14 years, I can say, it's not all hopeless. Yes, it's probably the most challenging type of relationship to navigate, especially if you're anxious-preoccupied, and it takes a special kind of person (caring, compassionate, empathetic, kind, loving, patient, supportive, understanding) to be willing to deal with this sort of people, and if you truly love this person, if you truly care about this person, this is what you've got to do.

    Maybe I'm just stubborn, maybe I'm just a fool, but giving up on Shorty 2.0 just doesn't feel right to me, and I'd rather be a fool than regretting not trying. Like I've said before, I don't think he's not interested in me at all. I mean, if he's not, wouldn't he have deleted my number, blocked me and ignored me?

    So, I scrolled through Reddit, reading about the attachment theory, not expecting to find anything different because the general consensus is that we should give up on dismissive-avoidant people, and as I was about to leave, I stumbled upon a post. Basically, this woman's got a dismissive-avoidant friend, and she told her friend, her friend did something hurtful to her, and instead of apologising and taking responsibility, her friend "ignored" her (typical dismissive-avoidant behaviour). Later on, she reached out to her friend, saying sorry, and her friend said, 'it's okay,' but she didn't believe it because her friend continued to "ignore" her.

    I was expecting the response to be like, 'your friend's not worth your time and energy,' 'move on,' or something like that, but it was different. Another woman said, 'okay, this is long and it might sound harsh, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through and acted much in the same way as you did, and I've gone from anxiously attached within a friendship to secure in all my relationships, so I hope you'll take what I say with the intention that it doesn't feel good to hear the truth about your behavior, but facing it head on is the only way to surpass it.

    First, I have learned that going by someone's words is more effective than actions because actions are left up for interpretation, and words are the things they want you to hear. Of course there's nuance to that, but this actually isn't a case where her words and actions are in conflict, even though it seems you think it is. I also would've thought it is in the past. But here's the situation:

    She said she forgave you and you're good now. Once she said that, it was time to accept that and move forward from this conflict. It might've taken a minute to fully get back into the normal groove of your friendship, but at a point when a conflict is over, you do have to just go back to normal, even if it's faking it until it feels real again. That might not feel genuine, but it is healthy and normal because feelings linger even when you actually know something is fine, and sometimes it just takes forcing yourself back to normal for the lingering feelings to drift away. If you keep dwelling on the feelings, they will never go away.

    So I think she's distant because you won't go back to normal, and you're overwhelming her with emotion constantly. She said she forgave you and after that, you still have another time where you apologized and told her you missed her, you poured your heart out over text and she left you on read, and you still want to seek her out for one on one conversation about all this. Even secure people don't want to deal with this level of emotion when they feel like the conflict is done on their side. I don't see any situation you described where you tried to just go back to your normal friendship. Once she said she forgave you and you're good, you should have believed her rather than trying to interpret her actions as meaning something other than that.

    That was a thing in my friendship, because my feelings were always a lot more heightened, it turned out I didn't believe or trust my friend when she said things were fine. This was a surprise to me because if you had ever asked me, I would've said I trust her with my life, but my mind actually wasn't trusting of her words and I just didn't realize it. I interpreted her behaviors or actions as still being off, but it was only my perception that was off. She would tell me things were fine, but I would judge her actions, which I interpreted incorrectly, rather than listen to her words. It was when my friend outright told me that it hurt her feelings that I didn't believe or trust her words that I really understood what I was doing. She felt no matter what she said to me, I was still going to keep feeling overly emotional and thinking things weren't fine, so she felt like no matter what she did or said, she wasn't helping me and that made her feel bad, too. Once I understood how she felt, that it was hurting her for me to act that way, that was a huge wake up call and the catalyst to my healing. What I learned was not that I didn't trust her, but that I couldn't fully trust anyone and that's what I had to work on.

    So now, definitely since you poured your heart out and she left you on read, just leave her alone. She knows how you feel. You've told her how you feel a lot. Relationships are supposed to be fun and bring joy to your life most of the time, especially friendships. She's not feeling like it's fun right now. That doesn't mean she's just discarded your whole relationship. A six year friendship is meaningful to her, too, I'm sure. It means she can't deal with your emotions on this subject anymore because she was done with this conflict weeks ago.

    I definitely had a time when I thought my friendship with my best friend was over, but it did eventually get back to normal. You just have to start acting normal, even if that's not how you feel on the inside. Don't assume it's over forever, don't try to brush her off or act any type of way as retaliation for her silence if she reaches out. Don't expect an apology from her or hold a grudge or resentment. If you can't let go or move on from your feelings right now, then you might not be able to move forward with your friendship, but that's on your side, not hers. I would say, if in like a week or so she still hasn't reached out, you can perhaps just try to start a normal conversation with her like "hey, did you see the new episode of that show we both like" or whatever you might normally talk about to show her that you are back to normal. Maybe she'll be receptive, and maybe not. If she's still not, then at that point I'd say you really have done all you can and it's totally in her court.

    This is already long, but I want to emphasize I'm not telling you just to force yourself to get over your feelings or push them away or whatever, but there comes a point where you have to deal with them yourself. Yes, you should be able to go to your friend when you're feeling bad, but you're feeling bad about your friend about something she already said is fine. At that point, your feelings are your responsibility to deal with. She can't help you with them because she's already told you that the conflict is over and that you're good. You not accepting that is not something she can change, so you really have to find alternate means of dealing with your emotions yourself in that case.

    People in my life of course tell me I can talk to them about anything, but the growth in me is knowing that just because I can talk about anything, doesn't mean I should. I've learned to know the difference. I learned when my feelings were irrational or untrue and that I shouldn't take those feelings to the people they're about because no one wants to keep hearing you think untrue things about them and don't believe them when they correct you. Over time, dealing with those feelings myself rather than taking them to the person they're about turned into me being able to identify them as being irrational right away, and eventually to stop having the irrational and anxious feelings altogether. Like, at first it might be just coping, but it does eventually turn into true peace and security. To cut this short, DBT was the biggest help in overcoming my anxious attachment, and you can find tons of free resources on that online or get a self-guided workbook (which is what I did). So anyway, I truly do understand your pain, but trust me that it can get better and your friendship doesn't have to be over.'

    When I read that response, I felt like it all made sense, and the weight that'd been weighing on me for the past few months, was finally lifted off my shoulders. I didn't trust Shorty 2.0 when he told me he'd get back to me once he's free, because I've been seeing him post stories on Instagram, but maybe actually he's not ready to meet me, maybe he's got to deal with some things before he's ready to see me. By doing so, I can empathise and understand him, and I don't really resent him any more.

    Now I believe he'll come back to me someday, I just don't know when, but when he does, I'd love to show him, I can keep things light and casual, and he can feel safe and comfortable around me again. I'm ready to see him now.

PS I used to feel scared if he'd leave me one day, and jealous seeing him go out with other people, and being envious of those people for getting to spend time with him is normal, but I shouldn't have acted on those feelings, I should've kept them to myself and dealt with them, instead of lashing out at him. Also, last night, out of the blue, my heart was filled with happiness, it felt like it was bursting at the seams.

Waiting for Something Uncertain

    One of the things I've learnt about dismissive-avoidant people is, they need ample space and time, and as someone who's anxious-preoccupied, it makes me feel extremely uneasy to not be in constant contact with Shorty 2.0. I wish I could just text him, and that's not gonna make him pull further away from me, but I imagine living together with him, and if he's been avoiding me, I'm not going to knock on the door of his room, wouldn't I? It's easier to say things in texts than in person

    Still, I'm worried if he's never coming back to me. Even if he is, when? How long do I have to wait? I'm tired of waiting, especially for something uncertain. I know I've done what I could, by giving him ample space and time, and there's nothing else that can be done, but sometimes, I blame myself for making the situation worse, and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, by not texting him.

    There are some good signs, I guess, like, he hasn't deleted my number, and blocked me, and he responded well to my text last week, I think. All I can do now is just wait.

PS A dismissive-avoidant friend of mine sent me a text a few days ago, out of the blue, after disappearing for about two weeks. I don't know if Shorty 2.0 is gonna do the same, since our issues are deeper.