Being Friends with/Loving a Dismissive-Avoidant Person

    I've been doing a lot of reading lately, more than I have in the past few years, about the attachment theory, and I've learnt a lot about not just myself, but also him. It's mind-blowing, I wish I'd known this sooner, I wish I'd known what I know now, and maybe we wouldn't have come to this, but if we hadn't, then, I wouldn't have known.

    I've realised we're the opposites: he's dismissive-avoidant, and I'm anxious-preoccupied. I think that's what makes our situation ten times harder. I tend to become clingy, needy and so forth, and by doing so, he tends to become cold, distant, and so forth. The situation gets worse when he becomes more distant, and by doing so, I become more clingy.

    I can talk about the attachment theory all day long, but what I wanna talk about is, now that I've learnt all these, I need to put them into practice, and I don't think I'm ready to see him yet, as much as I want to. That's why I'm sort of hoping he's not going to reach out to me this week (remember last week I invited him for a meetup?) because I don't want him to see me like this, I'm still a mess, so, that might make him become even more distant from me.

    I do hope he'll reach out to me eventually, once we're both stable and at ease again, and we'll be able to rebuild our friendship, and become close again like we used to be. In the meantime, I've got to work on myself while giving him ample space and time, and I pray to God to keep him safe and protect him from people who are a bad influence on him.

Bracing Myself

    It's been a while since the last time I posted here, and there have been lots of ups and downs since, but I don't really feel like going into the details.

    What I can tell you is, during my trip to Johore last week, all I could think of was Shorty 2.0. I kept thinking of the strategy to attract him, I needed to take these pictures, I needed to take pictures like these, all the while avoiding his stories (he kept hopping from Instagram to WhatsApp to Telegram, it was like he was trying to get my attention because I hadn't been viewing his stories and I hadn't been speaking to him) which made it even more hard for me. Did I enjoy the trip? Yes, but not fully.

    When I came home from the trip, I had a few dates in my mind, when to reach out to him, if he wasn't going to reach out to me first, either last Friday or next Friday, but shortly after I reached home, it started raining so heavily, and for some reason, it felt like the right moment to break the silence, after nine excruciating days. So, I texted him, 'hey, do you wanna meet up? It's okay if you're busy. Just haven't seen you in a while.' I expected him to reply the next day, or only reacted with a thumbs-up, but fifteen minutes later, he responded, in a friendly tone (he sounded relieved), surprisingly, after not speaking for nine days, 'I'll let you know when I'm free. I'm in the middle of moving to Bangsar.'

    It felt good to be speaking to him again, but it broke my heart to realise he's actually moving out from our apartment building. I tried to rationalise it, it's good for him, he doesn't have to commute far and long, it's tiring, and I know it because I used to work in Bangsar, and maybe it's good for us too, distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe he'd feel my absence and miss me, but I still wish he'd stay, I still wish he didn't have to go. Also, I know what's it like in Bangsar, and I'm worried about him. I'm worried he'd meet people who are a bad influence on him, and he'd lose himself.

    At the same time, I've learnt my lesson, I can't control him, I mustn't, that's what pushed him away from me, so, I've gotta let him go, as much as it breaks my heart. So, I told him, 'take your time. Let me know if you need any help,' to which he said, 'sure.' That was three days ago, and I haven't heard from him. I've been waiting for him to text me, but there's only been silence, and it's frustrating. He hasn't posted any stories which he typically does, and I'm worried about him. I'm worried if something bad happened to him. I wish I could just reach out to him, but I don't want to push him.

    I've sort of surrendered to the fact that I might not hear from him for sometime, for I don't know how long. My friendship with Shorty 2.0 is probably one of the hardest friendships I've ever had to navigate. One moment, I thought I've figured him out, but the next, I realised there are so many more things I don't know about him. Maybe I'm a fool for choosing to stay, but I'd rather be a fool than regretting giving up on this. I just hope he'll be alright, and he'll come back to me in the end, and in the meantime, I'll keep praying for him. O Allah, please protect him, take care of him, and watch over him.

Moving in Silence

    I'm sure you've seen posts about moving in silence on social media, and it's ironic that some people repost these. They're basically announcing they're moving in silence. Well, a few days ago, I decided to move in silence, like really move in silence, without making an announcement about it. I, not only have stopped watching stories on Instagram, WhatsApp and Telegram, but I've also stopped posting stories on these apps, and I've been staying off them as well. Maybe it's too early to tell, but it feels sort of weird because I used to post loads of stories, especially on Instagram, but it feels sort of good too people don't know what I'm up to. A bit of mystery is good.

    I'm not like not gonna post any more stories, but from now on, I'll only post good stuff (no more stories about shitty things that happen to me), of high quality (no more stories about just any random stuff), and the highlights of my life (I'll only post stories about significant things that happen in my life). The reasons I'm doing this are not I'm trying to be someone else, but I just wanna see if it could change my life, for the better, because sadly, many people actually aren't interested in hearing the shits you go through, they just wanna hear the good stuff. They may or may not pretend to listen to you when you talk about your problems at first, but if those are all you keep talking about, they will stay away from you eventually.

    I don't really blame them, because if it was me, maybe I'd stay away as well. Different people have different capacity, and they've probably got their own problems too, so, maybe it's too much for them to handle, but it's still sad because to me, you should be able to talk about both the good stuff and the bad stuff, albeit not excessively, that's how relationships have depth, if not, they're shallow.

    Anyway, this brings me to my next point, and that is, since I'm going to Johore next week, I'm planning to do sort of like a rebranding. I'm gonna try my best to capture the best moments of the trip, and I'm gonna post them in one story, on Telegram (for Shorty 2.0 to see) and Instagram (for everyone to see), and then, I'm gonna remove all my previous stories on the former, then, I'm gonna leave it at that. The good thing about Telegram is, when you post a story there, it'll appear on your profile, so, even if it goes expired without the target viewing your story, they can always go to your profile and view it.

    Also, I'm gonna make it look like a solo trip, when it's actually a work trip. Yes, from now on, I'm curating my social media presence, I only present what I want people to see. I don't know if you've heard of avoidant attachment, but many people with anxious attachment like myself, say it's not real, these people are just not into you. To me, I think avoidant attachment is as real as anxious attachment, different people have different experience, so, they operate differently. The differences between anxious attachment and lack of interest are, someone with the former would save your number, they text you once in a while, albeit they may not reply to all your texts, and they don't delete your number or block you.

    So, unfortunately, dealing with people with avoidant attachment like Shorty 2.0, you've gotta be strategic. It's not playing a game, it's just adjusting your way of dealing with different people, one size doesn't fit all. If you wanna keep someone like this around, this is what you've gotta do, and that's the decision I've made because he means a lot to me. Based on what I've gathered, they need a lot of space and time (they get easily suffocated), they don't have the capacity to deal with emotions (drama-free), and they're attracted to people who are independent (good vibes only). Do I wish he'd change someday? Yes, but for now, this is what I've gotta do. This may sound pathetic, but that's why I wanna show him, I can do things on my own, in hope of he'd come back one day. I've been giving him space and time, I just need to prove to him I can be independent.

PS He and I operate on different clocks. One week to him is equivalent to one day, one week to me feels like one month. Also, I'm planning to go to Port Dickson this Labour Day.

A Break

    I don't really feel like writing right now, but I can't really think of doing anything else.

    After my last post, a lot of things happened. I don't wanna go into the details, but all I can say is, that was probably one of the hardest times of my life. My heart felt so heavy, I felt like I was gonna die, and I'm not being dramatic at all, but alhamdulillah, I feel better now, even though I'm still not fully alright.

    Yesterday, I decided to have a break from social media. I'm not deleting my accounts, I'm staying off the apps. I feel like, it has replaced real-life communication. People no longer feel the need to meet and talk about things. They simply communicate through posting stories, but interaction is a two-way street, you can't sustain a relationship that way. Not to mention it's caused envy, feelings getting hurt, misunderstandings, superficial friendships and so forth. If there's anything you wanna tell me, you can just text me, not me finding out myself by watching your stories.

    Anyway, Shorty 2.0 and I still have each other's contact, but we're not connected at the moment, if that makes sense. We haven't spoken to each other for a while now, but I've also decided to stop reaching out to him, because the more I do, the more he pulls away from me, and I don't wanna keep pushing him to the point of no return. It's hard, but I hope it's good for us. I can't deny and I'm not gonna lie, I wish he'd just text me already. I don't know where we're gonna go from here, but I hope there's still hope for us, and he'll come back to me someday. It'd be a miracle if he does.

The Aftermath

    After my previous post, I felt fine this morning. I did my laundry, I went out to get breakfast, I went swimming, but as the day went by, and the night started falling, like a curtain, I got that sinking feeling: Is this the end of us? Will he ever come back? Will I not see him, ever again?

    I imagine wandering in our ruins. The war is over, but all the buildings, the skyscrapers, the towers, have been reduced to rubbles. Both sides lost, neither one of the two won. Now, we're forced to deal with the aftermath. Yes, we'll rebuild our cities, and we'll build memorials, as a reminder of our past, but are we gonna learn anything from our mistakes? Are we gonna be at peace? Are we gonna be friendly? Regardless, one thing for certain is, things will never be the same again.

    Maybe I am a fool, for wanting to believe there's still hope for us, even though it's fading, like the light of a dying star, and one fine day, you'll return, as a better person. When that day comes, I'll never let you go, ever again. I'll be waiting for that day, and in the meantime, I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying to God to keep you safe and healthy while you travel the world, meet new people, until you come to a realisation of who's been loving you from afar. I hope you will realise that, someday.

    Goodnight.

A Painful Realisation

    It's 5:00 am, and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I've just moved into a new place yesterday (yes, I've moved to a block next to the block I used to live with him), and maybe it's because of the painful realisation I've had recently.

    It's been a while since my last post. I've been distracting myself with work, spirituality, self and life. At first, it was unimaginably hard, it felt like, someone ripped my heart out, and I was forced to survive like nothing happened. Then, it got a bit easier, day by day. I'm not gonna lie, I'd been thinking of him all the while, especially because his birthday was coming up (4 April), and I was gonna have to decide if I was gonna wish him happy birthday, if so, how.

    He'd been viewing my "stories" on Telegram, inconsistently, like he is, and sometime between the five days, he hearted one of them, for the first time. I can't deny it, it made my heart skip a beat. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but eventually, I made the decision not to give a response to a low-effort engagement.

    Then, the day came. I'd been consulting Gemini (to my surprise, it's a better relationship advisor than ChatGPT, in my experience), and it told me not to wish him at midnight. Instead, I was told to send him a simple wish afternoon the next day, and that's what I did. I didn't pretend like I didn't care though, I was genuinely busy with moving out and moving in.

    A day before the day, I'd realised my feelings for him have faded a bit. He posted a photo of him celebrating his birthday that night, and I was like, okay? Like, not that it didn't make me feel anything at all, it still sorta stung, it just didn't have that strong of an effect on me.

    Also, with the day came a realisation. I used to put all the blame on myself when he became distant from me. I'd go over our conversations, again and again, trying to find what went wrong. Maybe I said something wrong, maybe I did something wrong. I even tried to rationalise the distance, 'it wouldn't have come to this if I hadn't said and done anything wrong.' Maybe I'm too much, maybe I do too much. I felt like I was back in the dark, seemingly unending tunnel, but I saw a glimmering light at the end of it: it was truth from God.

    I opened it, like a gift, and when I opened it, it made me able to see clearly, I could finally see him for who he is, and right through him. I realised he is the problem all along, not me. Yes, I made mistakes too, I was too emotional, but he is insecure. He can't stand seeing me be better than him, that's why he always had to put himself above me, and belittle me. Unaware or not, he tried to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and insecure being myself.

    The truth is, it is him who is little, with a big ego, and when he couldn't have it his way, he made it look like I was the problem. I should've seen it, he rarely asked me back when I asked him a question which is a telltale sign someone is insecure, but is often overlooked (insecure people feel like only one person can be in the spotlight, and asking someone back is gonna make them look desperate and that person feel important). Also, he's a good-looking man, but at least I don't edit my photos to make me look like I've got the sharpest jawline in the world, but I guess I was too deep in love, I couldn't see it.

    I don't wanna demonise him, I wanna believe, when he was being kind to me, it was genuine, but I think, he's battling with his insecurity, like I am, but he's struggling more than I am. It just made me sad because I really had hope for us, but his insecurity got in the way, but that's his problem, not mine, I can't solve it for him, he's gotta do it himself. I'm not sure where we're gonna go from here, but one thing I'm sure about now, my feelings for him have faded.

    PS I sent him the wish at 2:37 pm yesterday, and I only opened the app around 8:34 pm yesterday, to make my last seen visible so he'd see I haven't been checking to see if he's responded. I'm not gonna open the app until he texts me. Also, he posted a picture of him and his unfortunate-looking "friends" (he can't be friends with good-looking people like me, I guess, lol, that's why he didn't want me to meet his friends or go out with me, he didn't want me to outshine him, he wants to be the only one who shines) swimming at a luxurious apartment, I guess, with a caption, 'best pals ever.' Best pals ever? Sure, lol, okay.