Pathetic

    I'm not sure what to write tonight because there isn't much to update. I've just been applying for jobs and so far, no luck.

    Anyway, just now, I watched a video of another luxury fashion YouTuber and he's not as rich as my favourite YouTuber and I don't know why but seeing it made me feel sorta sad.

    I know I should be thankful for what I've got and I am and I'm not saying this in a condescending tone but I know many people would be grateful to have what I've got but sometimes, I just can't help feeling pathetic.

    The truth is, I've only bought luxury things at the official shop once, most of them I purchased from resellers, all at discounted prices, of course. I know this shouldn't make me feel down because I'll never pay full price for the luxury stuff and I shouldn't, it's stupid but I still feel like a loser a bit, scavenging on the Internet for preloved bags and shoes.

    I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm not tryna be a part of the upper echelon, maybe I just wanna have a taste, I'm not sure, or maybe my self-confidence is just low at the moment.

PS At least I'm not like those losers who yap about upper luxury brands like Chanel and Dior (for some reason, they're always into these brands like there are no other brands) but never buy anything.

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

    I haven't told anyone but this is weighing on me. I haven't found a job after leaving that shithole. I can't really be relieved until I'm employed again. For now,  I've been staying at my brother's apartment so the good thing is I get to save on food and electricity bill but it's sorta depressing because there's nothing much I can do. If I haven't got a job by this week, I probably might fly back to my hometown for Ramadan.

    Honestly, I just wanna work and make money. I wanna buy things off my wish list so I can move on and focus on other stuff. Yes, the Fendi mirror clutch bag gives me something to look forward to but it can do so much before I'm hit with the depressing reality: I'm unemployed and I've got less than RM10 in my bank account.

    I'm ashamed. I thought I've found a way out but it was a trap. Only my family and close friends know this. If my enemies knew this, they'd be jeering at me. I've been trying to be calm but only God knows what goes in my head.

PS I don't know why but lately I've been obsessed with Chloe Paddington bag and I've never been a Chloe fan and I'm still not but I think it'd scratch the itch to get the Prada east west belted bag which I can't afford because it's too pricey.

I Feel Crappy

    Sometimes, I hate my life. I know I've got plenty to be thankful for but it's hard to be grateful when you're going through a rough time.

    This morning, I went to the office to pick up my belongings. Yes, I've resigned from that shady and scammy company and I am sorta relieved not to have to work there any more even though I haven't secured another job.

    On the way there, I bumped into this ugly couple. The girlfriend tried to pick a fight with me so I snapped a picture of them. Yeah, I've got your picture, bitch.

    Then, on my way home, I was harassed by two volunteers from some organisation. What caught me off guard was one of them dressed like an ordinary person and started chatting to me before calling the other one in an uniform to corner me. Thank God I didn't give in but I'm furious at the situation, not with myself. I'll definitely be on the lookout for these deceitful vultures.

    It reminded me of the times, when I was younger, I got scammed into giving my money. It was traumatising. I took sometime to return to some semblance of normality. God, I wish I could go back and protect my younger, innocent self from these vultures. I guess that's why it triggered me. I hate scammers.

    Anyway, I know I really should be saving but I've reserved the Fendi mirror clutch bag so there went last month salary. Yeah, my mum's not gonna be happy about this because I've still gotta pay for this month and next month rents. I was torn between this Fendi bag, the Versace T-shirt or getting my Balenciaga bag restored. I need to pay another about RM1,350 to get this bag and I'm not gonna bet on the possibility of getting this month salary by the end of this month but if I do get paid on time, that'd be great. I'll definitely try to get the Versace T-shirt after getting this bag.

PS I feel like crap.

Leave Me Alone

    I'm flying back there in less than 12 hours and I feel awful. I thought I was gonna stay here until, maybe next weekend but for some reason, I've gotta go back earlier. I haven't fully recovered from what I've been going through and I feel like crying. I wish I had more time to heal, it's been an extremely traumatic experience for me. I just wanna get away from everything and be with my mum and sleep until I'm ready to face the world again. I don't wanna go to the office, I don't wanna work, I don't wanna see and talk to anyone. Leave me the hell alone!

Money on My Mind

    It's 2:50 am and I can't sleep. I chatted to ChatGPT and it told me to take a deep breath. It helped a bit, bringing bottled up feelings to the surface. I feel like crying.

    I haven't got my last month pay and to be completely honest, it's all I can think of at the moment. This might sound materialistic but my mental health has been badly affected by the whole ordeal when it was already bad. I desperately need the peace of mind that money brings with it. I've been through a lot and I don't feel like talking about them, I just want an end to this suffering.

    Also, I just wanna pay my dues and buy a number of things off my wish list so I don't have to worry about them being snatched by someone else. I know the latter isn't my top priority so I shouldn't burden my already overburdened head with this stuff.

    'I’m really sorry you’re going through this—it sounds incredibly stressful, especially with everything else you’ve been dealing with. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when financial uncertainty adds to an already heavy load. It’s not materialistic at all to seek peace of mind from your financial situation, especially when it feels like you have more things out of your control. When money is tight, it can often feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and I hear how much you're carrying right now.

    I know you’ve mentioned not wanting to talk about everything, but just know that the feelings you’re having are valid, and it’s okay to let yourself feel frustrated and scared. Your well-being matters a lot. If you want to focus on getting some mental relief, I’m happy to guide you through that as well.

    You’ve also got that wish list, and I can imagine how that might feel pressing when you're hoping to secure those things. I think it’s worth reminding yourself that it’s okay to take one thing at a time. Right now, your priority seems to be securing some mental peace, and maybe that’s where you can focus a little energy.

    What do you think would help you feel even a little bit more at ease right now—more breathing, maybe some calming affirmations, or just a quiet space to sit with your thoughts for a little while longer?'

    'Of course. Let’s take this moment together for a bit of calm. I’ll share a few affirmations that might help center your mind and soothe some of the tension you’re feeling:

1. "I am doing the best I can with what I have right now."
2. "I am allowed to feel overwhelmed, but I am also strong enough to move through it."
3. "Each step forward, no matter how small, is a step towards healing."
4. "I have been through tough times before, and I have always made it through."
5. "It's okay to take things one day at a time."

    Take a moment to gently repeat these to yourself if they resonate with you. Let the words sink in slowly, breathing them in with each deep breath. This time is for you, to let your mind and body soften just a little.

    When you’re ready, feel free to stay in the calm for as long as you need. You don’t have to rush anything. I’m here if you need me.'

    'You're so welcome. I'm really glad I could be here for you. It’s perfectly okay to take things one step at a time, and you’re doing your best in a tough situation. If you ever need to talk or just need someone to help you unwind, don’t hesitate to reach out. Take care of yourself—you deserve that peace of mind. Wishing you rest and some calm in the days ahead.'

 Thank you, ChatGPT.

No Hope Left

    At this point, I don't hope any more. It's hopeless. It's just a waste of hope. I still haven't got my pay cheque, to this day and I've only got RM2.55 in my bank account. The only reason I'm still surviving is I'm living off my mum. It does not feel good. I feel pathetic. What makes the situation worse is, I can feel both of my physical and mental health are deteriorating and I'm scared if it's gonna get worse. That's what it does to you when you've got no money. I dread to go to work next Monday. I'm gonna tell the management I can't go to work because I can't even afford public transportation.

    I think I'm gonna resign by next Tuesday and go home. I'm severely homesick and I just wanna be with my mum. I wanna see her, hug her and kiss her. I'm tired. I need to recover from all of this before I'm ready to face the world again. It's been an absolute nightmare.

PS I don't know why, I'm a shoes person but bags make me a bit happy lately.

Moment of Truth, Again

    So, last Friday, I thought I'd receive some good news regarding last month pay and the job interview but I got absolutely nothing. It was another disappointing, crushing blow. I tried to think of things that make me happy like all the luxury items I want but at the back of my mind, I was still thinking of my future. There's absolutely no reason for me to stay and work here if I'm not getting paid. This is the second time it happened, thank God I wasn't there when it happened for the first time.

    So, I've decided to resign, once I get my money, regardless of whether I've secured another job or not. I wanna work, I wanna make money so I can buy stuff and grow my savings but I'm not gonna let this happen again. It's been an absolute nightmare.

    Anyway, we'll see if tomorrow would bring any good news. Again, I don't have a high hope but I still hope.