Managing My Finances

    I'm not one to talk about managing finances, okay? I've splurged, I've made impulse purchases, I don't have a saving, but, that doesn't mean I can't talk about what you can do to improve your financial situation, if you're someone like me or in a similar situation I'm in.

    So, my job isn't well paid, I don't live with my family, I rent a room but I do get a monthly allowance or financial aid or whatever you call it, from my mum to pay for my commute and food. Obviously, this isn't sustainable because I can't always depend on my mum or anyone else for ever so I need to start managing my finances wisely and strictly, given my job (hopefully I'll get a better paying job in the future) and the situation I'm in.

    So, what I do is, I've made a spreadsheet of my expenses so I can see what I spend a lot on and then I can try to spend less on that stuff, for instance, food.

    The other thing I do is and I've just started this, to set a time limit for the stuff I want so I won't make impulse purchases, for instance, I need to wait for at least one year before I can buy items that cost RM1,000 and above. For items that cost RM999 and below, I need to wait for at least six months. This is very hard to adhere to because it requires lotsa self-control and discipline, especially when there is a sale or the item is almost sold out.

    Last but not least, before you make a purchase, you must make sure you've still got money left.

    So, yeah, these are the things (they are no-brainers actually) that I can do to manage my finances, as far as I know.

I'm Not Exactly Where I Wanna Be

    I've just taken a night walk and when I was walking, a thought came to mind, 'I'm not exactly where I wanna be.'

    I know I'm meant to be here even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment and God put me here for a reason and I'm not gonna argue about that, that's not my point. My point is, as much as it pains me to say this and I love this place (not my workplace), but I need to leave if I wanna a better life, not just for myself but also for my mum.

    Early on, I knew, to a certain extent, my workplace was gonna be toxic. I got the vibes the first day I came to work though in the beginning, it was tolerable but then it turned worse and then it became tolerable again but now it's becoming more and more unbearable. I'm not well-paid, I've got a bitch for a boss, I'm not doing what I wanna do and the toxicity is becoming more and more nauseating.

    It's sad that I've gotta think not once, not twice but multiple times before spending my money on something. Some people might think, 'then why did you buy the Versace boots and bag?' Well, I'm not gonna justify my splurges but all I can say is, one, they weren't impulse purchases and two, I got extra money which I know I could've saved for something that's way more important.

    I just, wanna get to the point where I don't have to depend on my mum or anyone, I don't have to worry so much about money and I've got a saving.

PS This is gonna sound materialistic of me but I think, one of the things that bother me is, I've gotta accept that I'm probably not gonna be able to buy lotsa things from my wish list, especially the Versace Contrasto collection and I've gotta let them go.

When Will My Life Actually Get Better...

    Aku baru balik sini pagi tadi sebab esok dah kerja. Alhamdulillah, perjalanan smooth kali ni, tak de orang annoying but I'm already homesick, I miss my mum. Lepas aku sampai rumah, aku terus tidur. Then I woke up with a throbbing headache, maybe because I slept in the wrong position. Nasib baiklah aku ada paracetamol lagi walaupun bukan Panadol, kalau tak, aku kena bertahan sampai esok pagi.

    Entahlah tapi hari ni, aku rasa sedih. Actually, I've been feeling like this lately.

    First of all, I know it's gonna take sometime before I start seeing the result (I've been working out and practising mindful eating) tapi aku dah tak confident macam masa berat aku 50+. Aku benci tengok gambar aku sendiri. Bila nak ambil gambar, kena ambil from certain angle baru tak nampak double chin. I don't mind a bit of double chin sebab aku tak suka jawline yang tajam.

    This brings me to my second point and that is, I envy my crush. I know this isn't entirely true but he seems like he's got it all to me. He's good-looking, he's got a banging body, he's got money, he's perfect and I'm the opposite of him, I'm fat, I'm broke. I wish I could be him or like him. I know I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't help it.

    Last but not least, dekat tempat kerja aku sekarang, aku dapat boss puaka and it makes me sad sebab aku ingat, I'd been through the worst masa dekat uni dulu (classmates bodoh sombong, jahat, kampung) and things would get better but now it's the same freaking thing all over again. Bilalah hidup aku would actually get better...

Sejenis Huda Ruhiz but This One Doesn't Steal Other People's Content

    Okay, aku baru mandi so aku rasa segar sikit. Kenapa sikit? Because I had a shitty day today. Apa kaitan dengan tajuk post ni? Tak de kaitan tapi aku nak cakap sikit pasal seorang perempuan ni (kawan crush aku tu).

    So, ever since I started working here, I've been getting comments about my sexuality (when I was at uni, I never got these comments at all) and even though they offend and annoy me, I usually would just brush them off because I don't entertain them but today, they got to me. They made me feel as if I'm not good enough, as if that's all about me, nothing else matters, my kindness, my feelings, me as a person, as a human, if that makes sense, all the work I've put into myself over so many years just get minimised by this label. I know it's not true because I know myself but I can't help it, they still bother me and I've just had enough. I've had enough of these comments. I'm not gonna let anyone reduce me into a label. I'm more than just a label. I have a mother who loves me, who prays for me and I've been through so much, both the best and the worst, and I'm not gonna tell you what I've seen but I'm not gonna let you make me feel like I'm just a label.

    I'm rarely able to express my feelings in words but this sums up how I feel.

    Anyway, kan aku follow semua followings crush aku (when I said semua, I really meant all of them), ada hari tu, entah macam mana, aku termasuk profile kawan dia kot. Post apa tak de, ada highlight je. Aku tekan, terus terpampang gambar crush aku tu. Aku belek, kebanyakan gambar dan video crush aku tu, aku pun syoklah sebab dia macam lubuk untuk aku ambil screenshot dan recording (aku baru tahu suara dia macam mana). Not gonna lie, they show me a different perspective of him that I'd never seen before. Pada masa yang sama, kawan dia tu...

    Aku bukanlah saja - saja nak tak suka orang, kutuk orang but she reminds of that scammer, bukan dia scam orang tapi dia menunjuk dan aku benci orang menunjuk. Okay, aku rasa, crush aku tu anak orang kaya dan dia kerja doctor, so dia bolehlah beli Burberry, Loewe, Miu Miu, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Saint Laurent, even Hermes and all that tapi kawan dia tu? Dahlah mak cik, crush aku tu lebih muda daripada aku. Lepas tu, tak nampak kaya pun tapi acah - acah macam dia pun kaya macam crush aku tu, beli barang luxury tapi barang - barang macam accessories sajalah. Tu pun, dia tayang. Bagi aku, kalau kau mampu beli barang macam card holder je, lebih baik tak payahlah, bazir duit je. Beg, kasut tak pe juga.

    Bukan setakat tu je dia tayang, dia tayang crush aku tu. Nak bagi semua orang tahu dia berkawan dengan crush aku tu, dia ada kawan handsome. I'm sorry but the "friendship" feels weird, macam mak cik dengan anak saudara. Also, diaorang tak nampak ngam langsung. It's just sad, sebab dia nampak try hard sangat nak fit dengan crush I tu.

    Okay lah, yang tu sajalah for now, aku dah nak tidur. Goodnight.

Emotional Rollercoaster

    Today's been an emotional roller coaster for me. Kejap aku happy, kejap aku sedih dan aku sedih sebab a number of things.

    One, berat aku dah 60+ sekarang. BMI aku dah nak masuk overweight. To be completely honest, I'm not happy with my current body, I don't like seeing my reflection in the mirror. I'm outta shape and I need to get back in shape before it gets worse and harder to lose weight. Aku nak berat aku 50+ balik. Dulu, masa berat aku 50+, I felt hot, confident and comfortable in my own skin. Sekarang, nak ambil gambar pun payah, kena pastikan tak de double chin.

    This leads me to my second point and that is, it affects my marketability. My dating life sucks. Orang yang aku nak tak nak dekat aku. Orang yang nak dekat aku, yang aku tak nak. Ye, aku tahu, aku pun gemuk tapi tak delah obese ke apa, at least aku ada rupa lagi. I'm tired. I'm tired of being single. I've been single for too long. Dah bertahun - tahun aku single. Sometimes, I get lonely, especially at night. I wish I had someone to talk to, to hold on to.

    Thirdly, update pasal plan aku nak bagi crush aku tu notice aku, it makes me feel awful. Kau bayangkan, dia tak follow aku balik tapi dia follow orang yang hodoh, buruk, jongang, gemuk, pondan, bapuk, muka pelik. It honestly pisses me off. Aku rasa macam nak jumpa dia dan tanya dia, what is your problem? Kau pakai spek tapi kau still tak nampak ke? Like, hello, look at me and then look at them. Aku tak de masalah kalau yang dia follow hot tapi ni, oh, asalkan badan berketak je, folow, macam bodoh, nafsu semata - mata.

    Sorry, I like you, you're cute but you've got a poor taste, you need help, seriously. Nevertheless, bila aku tengok muka dia melalu stories kawan dia dekat Instagram, my heart melts. He's so dreamy. I wish he was mine. Why can't I have him?

Midnight Ramblings

    Last year, I installed Tinder and Bumble, hoping to end my singlehood but obviously, I'm still very much single. I've met a number of people though and one of them is this guy.

    We've never matched (I think he swiped left on me. Also, I think he's into Chinese. Fine, I'm fat (at the moment) and short) but I follow him on Instagram because he leaves his handle in the bio (he's never followed me back) and as time passes by, I start to develop a crush on him. I realised it when a few days ago, he posted a video of him having fun with his friends and I felt painfully jealous.

    I don't think I'm his type and I don't think I'd ever be his type but he's my type. He's good-looking, he's got a banging body, he's stylish. Plus, he's into luxury fashion like I am (the difference is he's rich and I'm not).

    This is gonna sound weird but it's fine if we'd never be lovers (I don't even expect us to be), I just wanna be friends with him even though I don't know him. For all I know, he could be a shitty person but I just wanna get to know him.

    So, today, I got an idea. I followed his followings to get him noticed me since I should be up in his recommendation due to mutuals. Still, doesn't guarantee he'll follow me back but I'm trying to penetrate his circle, somehow.