Retrospective

    Ada hari tu, aku saja cari satu kedai ni dekat Sunway Pyramid. Aku ingat lagi nama kedai tu, The Perfume Shop, sebab shop assistant kedai tu berlagak gila nak mampus padahal bukan authorised reseller macam Sephora pun. Masa tu aku nak lawat Sam, tahun 2014 tak silap aku. Sambil tu, aku ingat aku nak beli hadiah untuk dia so aku pun pergilah kedai tu. Shop assistant tu perempuan Cina kurus, muka macam sial, rambut karat. Aku tanya dia, ada tak Versace Eros. Dia tak pandang aku langsung, dia pergi ambil fragrance tu lepas tu dia hentak atas meja sambil asah kuku. Bila aku tanya dia berapa harga, dia buat tulis dalam calculator lepas tu dia lempar calculator tu atas meja. Memang aku belah teruslah. Biadab, lahanat.

    Okay lah, aku mengaku, masa tu, aku miskin. Duit ada sikit je, tak mampu pun nak beli. Lepas tu, bersiap pun ala kadar je tapi kau pun shop assistant je, untuk small business, lol, so, tak payah acah - acah macam kau kerja untuk Versace. Fast forward to eleven years later, aku saja cari kedai tu and guess what? Dah lama tutup, hahaha! Tengok page kedai tu dekat Facebook, kali terakhir update tahun 2017. Kena cari kerja lainlah ye, babi? Hahaha, tulah, berlagak sangat, kan dah kena balasan tapi kau tahu apa, kau kafir.

    Anyway, it made me think sebab beg Balenciaga Part Time vert d'eau aku ni released tahun 2014. Dulu, memang aku tak mampulah nak beli beg ni, tak pernah terlintas pun dalam kepala masa tu nak beli because it seemed so, impossible walaupun aku tanya Chat, dia kata harga beg ni masa tu RM5,000+++ je (aku kata je bukan sebab sikit but compared to the current prices of luxury bags, it's very low) but thanks to the pre-loved market, I can now buy things I couldn't afford in the past and it's sorta hard to describe the feelings, there's a pang of retrospective sympathy for my younger self but there's also gratitude.

    Beg Balenciaga Part Time gris glace aku ni pula released tahun 2012. Can you imagine me carrying the bag to class during my foundation course days at UiTM Alor Gajah? I would be turning people's heads, hahaha, but looking back, I know maybe it's for the best I couldn't afford these bags for a number of reasons: too many evil eyes, they wouldn't fit my lifestyle at the time, hence, I wouldn't be able to take a good care of them even though I still like to reimagine those memories differently regardless.

Nothing Much, Really

    It's been nearly two weeks since the last time I posted here and it's not like I don't feel like writing, I've just got nothing interesting to write about. Sure, I can write about my foundation course days but I can only write about that sort of subject at the weekend as it requires some concentration: I've gotta focus and mentally travel back in time to really capture the emotions, if you know what I mean, so I can't do that on week days since I've got no energy left after coming home from work.

    Speaking of work, it's been fine so far for the past two weeks but I'm still on guard because I just can't let my guard down, after everything that happened to me, things will never be the same again. I haven't really been looking for another job lately, as much as I hate this place, as much as I wanna go back to Cyber, because I just feel like it's not the time yet. I've received some calls but none of them is good, unfortunately. So, I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here.

    Anyway, I've really wanting to get my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau restored since not only it's one of my most treasured belongings but it's also been making me a bit excited and hopeful about life, but my saving is still growing so it just sorta feels premature to do it now. I guess, maybe I'd do it in this December or January next year, inshallah, if everything goes as planned, it typically doesn't but I'm excited to see it get restored to its former glory, I hope.

What Keeps Me Going

    Aku baru habis basuh dan kering kain bila tiba - tiba, aku rasa sedih. Aku teringat hujung minggu masa aku tinggal dekat Cyber dulu. I still remember the sound of cicadas buzzing, the heat of afternoon, the silence and the occasional sound of trains passing by. Oh, I miss all that.

    Ni bilik - bilik yang aku cakap dalam post sebelum ni. Tengok gambar - gambar ni je dah buat aku rasa macam nak menangis but hopeful and excited about life somehow. My previous room wasn't as big and beautiful as these rooms tapi kalau aku dapat balik sana, aku nak sewa bilik macam ni. It's RM100 cheaper than my current room even though it's bigger and more beautiful.

    Bila aku teringat esok nak kena pergi kerja, aku terus rasa depressed. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here. I'm not happy here. I dread to go to work. I feel extremely heavy to wake up. I get anxious just at the thought of it. Sigh. Ya Allah, keluarkanlah aku dari tempat ini.

An Honest Dilemma

    I've actually got so many things to write about but I'm not sure which one to write because all I can think of at the moment is to go back to Cyber. A few days ago, I applied for a job there and I want that job so badly, God knows how much I want that job and I don't wanna get ahead of myself but I've already started looking for a room to rent. If I ever got that job, I think I would honestly cry because it'd be a dream come true. I've applied for countless jobs in Cyber I've lost count but this one just makes sense. It's actually near my previous workplace and where I used to live.

    I admit, moving outta Cyber was probably one of my biggest mistakes. I was desperately looking for a job after my contract at my previous workplace ended and I could only find a job in Kuala Lumpur. I could've stayed there while working in Kuala Lumpur but the commute would be costly and draining because I would have to wake up very early and book a Grab to get to Putrajaya Sentral and subscribe to ERL monthly pass and it's just not sustainable.

    At the same time, I still weirdly feel like it's not the time yet to return to Cyber, as much as I wanna work there. It just feels premature and I don't wanna make a rash decision, I don't wanna get from a bad situation into a worse one. Nevertheless, if I did get that job, I would still accept it, it'd be stupid of me not to, after everything I've endured here.

My First Time Writing from My Workplace

    So, I'm at the office, alone, at the moment. This is my first time writing from my workplace, while listening to You Get What You Give by New Radicals, the very place that I hate but it feels nice when I'm alone. I wish, I could work alone. I'm not antisocial but I'm not exactly an introvert either. I actually love hanging out with friends at the shopping centres.

    Anyway, I haven't received any good news so far and understandably, it's frustrating. Although this week's been better than the previous weeks, I still really wanna get outta this place, as soon as possible. Yes, I can't stress enough how much I hate my boss and I wanna earn more so I could buy stuff off my wish list, especially that Balenciaga Le City East-West bag (finally, I've got something to look forward to). Also, I wanna move back to Cyberjaya.

    Sometimes, as much as I wanna leave this place, I just can feel it in my heart, it's not the time yet so my dreams seem farther and farther away which makes me sad but lately, I feel like, God's been guiding me and protecting me. I don't know how long I can go on like this but there's nothing much I can do about my situation except to keep applying for jobs and trust Him.

Oh 2025

    Masa tahun lepas, masa aku nak berhenti kerja dekat company sebelum ni, aku ingat tahun 2025 akan jadi tahun yang lebih baik. Yelah, masa tu, contract aku takkan disambung sebab aku bergaduh dengan boss aku, aku ditikam belakang oleh co-worker aku, tu tak termasuk lagi dengan staff members yang lain yang cari pasal dengan aku, it was one of the darkest times of my life.

    Masa awal tahun ni, aku dapat kerja dekat satu company ni. I thought I was off to a good start tapi rupa - rupanya company tu scammer so aku terpaksa cari kerja lain lagi sekali. Dua bulan kemudian, aku dapat kerja dekat satu company ni pula. Awal - awal, aku ingat company ni okay tapi lama - lama, aku makin sedar yang company ni pun toxic. Kurang toxic sikit berbanding company dulu tapi masih toxic.

    Sekarang dah August, tinggal kurang daripada empat bulan lagi sebelum masuk tahun baru so I can confidently say, 2025 hasn't been a good year for me. Kadang - kadang, aku rasa sebak mengenang nasib aku. From one bad situation to another bad situation. Orang jahat pula tak dikenakan apa - apa tindakan, diaorang tak perlu cari kerja lain, orang macam aku pula yang kena keluar. Dunia ni tak adil.

    Honestly, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment tapi aku masih berharap dan harapan tulah yang buat aku teruskan juga. Macam aku cakap dalam post sebelum ni, kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam nak resign je terus. Bila aku pergi kerja, aku senyum, aku gelak tapi bila aku balik, semua tu hilang. Dalam hati rasa kosong. Aku bukan fake, aku tak boleh jadi fake tapi aku professional.

    Tu tak termasuk lagi dengan fake friends but that's another story for another day. It's nearly 12:00 am now and I need to go to sleep because I need to wake up early tomorrow. Yes, setiap hari aku pergi kerja, cahaya matahari pun tak keluar lagi. Depressing, isn't it? Dulu, aku solat Subuh dulu lepas tu aku baru mandi tapi sekarang aku mandi dulu lepas tu aku baru solat Subuh, if you know what I mean.

An Escape, Just for a Short While

    Dah lama aku tak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Bukan aku tak nak, I'm just better at expressing myself in English, but it does feel more satisfying when I speak and write in my mother tongue. Anyway, aku tak nak tulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris malam ni sebab aku rasa aku cuma boleh betul - betul sampaikan post ni dalam Bahasa Melayu.

    So, aku masih cari kerja lain. Aku dah pergi dua interviews, tapi aku tak dapat dua - dua kerja tu dan aku tak nak pun. Kali ni, aku nak kerja yang gaji lebih daripada gaji aku sekarang, dekat tempat yang aku rasa selesa nak bekerja dan dapat good vibes.

    Aku tak tahulah berapa lama aku boleh bertahan dekat sini, aku plan nak resign awal bulan depan sebab kadang - kadang aku rasa macam aku dah tak boleh bertahan lagi jadi aku harap sangat aku akan dapat good news dalam masa terdekat.

    Allah sajalah yang betul - betul tahu apa yang aku rasa dan apa yang aku lalui. Setiap hujung mingu, aku jadi takut nak masuk hari Ahad dan setiap hari Ahad, aku jadi takut nak pergi kerja and it goes on and on. Setiap pagi aku nak bangun, aku rasa berat sangat. Kadang - kadang aku rasa macam nak menangis sebab aku penat. Bukan penat sebab kerja tapi penat sebab terpaksa hadap boss aku yang berpuaka tu setiap hari minggu.

    Kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam nak resign je terus dan aku pasti, hari terakhir aku bekerja dekat sini akan jadi antara hari yang paling bahagia dalam hidup aku sebab akhirnya aku bebas. Aku tak perlu lagi hadap boss aku yang berpuaka tu.

    In the meantime, aku cuba untuk distract diri - sendiri. Aku bayang aku dapat kerja yang gaji lebih  daripada gaji aku sekarang, dekat tempat yang aku ada ramai kawan dan aku tak rasa malas nak pergi kerja dan bila duit simpanan aku dah cukup, aku boleh beli beg Balenciaga Le City East-West tu.

I Wish

    I wish I could tell you, I got another job, and I get paid (at least) RM4,000 every month, and I'm happy with my new job and my life, but sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm still stuck here, with my depressing, miserable, overworked and underpaid job. It's so not fair, after everything I've been through.

    I try to stay strong, for myself and for my mum, but at times, especially at nights, I break down. Sometimes it feels just too much. My mum and some of my friends know this, because I've confided in them, but I don't wanna burden them with my problems, it's not fair for them, so I keep stuff to myself.

    I don't care about what my enemies think but I know, if they know about this, they'd be laughing and clapping. They did shits to me, they made me go through shitty times, so, if they know I'm in a shithole now? They won. I can admit my defeat and they can have their pathetic sense of victory.

    That's one of the reasons I haven't given up. I'm not ready to give up even though I get violently washed by ferocious waves, over and over again, hardly without rest. I may be defeated now but I still believe, by the grace of God, I will emerge victorious, some day. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day.

    God is fair and just. He won't let my sufferings go unnoticed and unrewarded. I didn't suffer for nothing. I've been through the worst times of my life, and this is just another one, and this too, shall pass. Yes, I'm tired, I'm scared but my dreams and hopes, of a better life, of a place I can call home, keep me going.