Reclaiming My Life

    I admit it, I'm still not alright, but some things happened to me yesterday that shifted my point of view a bit.

    I could barely sleep the night before, after everything. I woke up at 3 am, feeling like he pulled the rug out from my feet. I was angry, depressed, disappointed, distraught, frustrated, heartbroken, homesick, lonely and sad. I can't really remember what I did, I think I had a conversation with ChatGPT until I fell asleep.

    The next morning, I woke up feeling groggy because I didn't get enough sleep, but I could hardly do anything, aside from applying for jobs because that's the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment. Even so, I didn't have the mental capacity to really do it, so I kept going back to sleep and waking up until it was afternoon.

    I realised I couldn't keep going like this, staying at home was making my depression worse, and I felt like I was going insane, so, I had to do something about it, something that seemed counter-intuitive because I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, and I didn't wanna see anyone: I had to go out, I couldn't stay at home.

    So, I had a shower, I put on clean clothes, and I walked to the mosque for Asr prayer. After praying, I went to a nearby mini stadium. I sat at the pavilion for a while before going back to the mosque. While waiting for Maghrib, I read the Quran. Later on, I went to a roadside stall he took me to for my birthday, for iftar.

    When I was sitting there, I felt like crying a bit because I was reminiscing the good early days, I wish I could go back to those days. I texted someone from my past because I had a sort of similar situation with this person, we had a good time and then, he pulled back, and he said I was clingy but I wanted to know what I did.

    Once I was done eating, I went back to the Mosque for Isyak. Then, I headed back to my apartment, and I followed the same path we took, tracing his steps, chasing his shadow. When I got home, I noticed I got texts from that person from my past. He told me, actually, it wasn't my fault, it was his, he didn't know how to communicate he needed space and time.

    Going to the mosque and talking to this person helped me a bit, it made me feel less lonely, and it gave me something to do. It also made me realise, if he wanna move to Bangsar, or Bangkok, or back to his homeland, or anywhere else in the world, I've gotta let him go. I've gotta let him explore, make mistakes, learn from them, regret, decide what he wants, and if he's meant for me, he'll come back, no matter how far.

    Maybe, we met on the wrong time, but I'm glad I met you. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if the feelings are gonna be the same any more when you come back, I might've moved on, and met someone new, and no longer had feelings for you.

PS I look forward to going to the mosque again, and to the gym and the swimming pool at weekends, living my life regardless whether you're in it or not.

I'm Not Anyone's First Choice | Second Option

    This is probably one of the hardest posts for me to write. I don't know how to write it.

    It's funny how I was just talking about hoping there would still be hope for Shorty 2.0 and me, hoping things would get better between us, yesterday, and today happened.

    As I mentioned in the previous post, I was coming back to Kuala Lumpur today morning instead of Sunday night, and before I fell asleep last night, my mum asked me if it was a good idea for her to pack some foods for him, and I said no because we weren't on speaking terms. When I woke up this morning, I found out she'd packed some foods for him any way.

    Although he didn't reply my last text, I texted him to let him know my mum packed some foods for him, and he responded. I was relieved to hear from him again, and from there, we chatted a bit and it was sort of friendly. When I got to my apartment in Kuala Lumpur, I told him I was home, and I wanted to pass the foods to him. He said he was at home, but he was a bit busy (was he with someone else?), so I should just leave the foods on the doorstep, and I did. As much as I've lowered my expectations of him, I felt sort of insulted he didn't wanna see me, even for a moment, but I didn't wanna overreact.

    I took a picture of the foods, and I sent it to him, before going home. Ten minutes later, he thanked me, and we chatted again, this time it was longer. I can't really remember how the conversation took a sharp turn, but he told me he was planning to move somewhere else if his contract was renewed, and I felt like he stabbed a knife in my heart. We'd just got back together and now he was telling me this? I tried to act cool, but I struggled, and I think he could see it. I asked him where he was planning to move to, and he said Bangsar, which is about thirteen LRT stations away from where we currently live.

    I tried making a joke, 'maybe I could move in with you and we could be housemates, lol,' and he gave a half-hearted response, 'haha, maybe.' Then, the conversation took another sharp turn. He told me his preferences, and I realised I'm not his type. It felt like he twisted the knife he stabbed me in the heart. Again, I tried to make a joke, 'you don't like me, I guess, lol,' and he didn't even bother to make me feel better, he just let me get washed away by the wave of realisation. It was as if he was letting me know he doesn't feel the same way towards me.

    I couldn't pretend any more, so I said to him, 'you're really like Shorty. You've both got the same preferences, and I realised I'm not what he wants, I was just there, while he was looking for someone else.' He didn't reply. By the end of the conversation, I was so distraught, and heartbroken, I couldn't sleep. I was so angry, and disappointed. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, I didn't wanna see anyone, I wanted to scream. I couldn't do anything. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted cry, but the tears wouldn't come out.

    I could feel I was falling into depression, again. I've never been anyone's first choice, never will be, I've always been a second option, when there's no one else. I'll never be good enough for anyone, there's always someone better than me. I was so stupid for thinking someone would like me, I was so stupid for thinking I stood a chance. Maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and I should've just accepted it, a long time ago. A part of me still wanna believe there's still hope, but a part of me feels like this is the end.

PS I don't know how I'm gonna go to work this Monday, how I'm gonna be able to focus on work, I'm scared.

Are You Bored Yet?

    It's nearly 11 pm, but I can't really sleep, and I'm writing this in my dimly lit bedroom.

    I'm supposed to go back to Kuala Lumpur this Sunday, but I've decided to return this Saturday, because I know going back to Kuala Lumpur on Sunday night is gonna be messy, shitty and taxing, and I'm gonna have to go to work the next day. I've got some stuff to do before returning to work, and I'm gonna need some time to prepare myself mentally.

    To be completely honest, I wish I wouldn't have to go back to Kuala Lumpur, I wish I could stay here with my mum even though I don't like some people here, I wish I'd got a better job with a better workplace, where I'd be happy to go to, but I've got no choice, and being far away from Shorty 2.0 is hard, even though we rarely see each other even when we're near. Being close to him makes me feel sorta safe somehow even when we're not speaking.

    Speaking of which, after days of not speaking, I texted him this morning, 'how are you?' He hasn't replied to this moment, he hasn't even read it, but I know he's seen the notification, he's just ignoring me on purpose. It's a tit for tat because I ignored him last Friday. My bet is, he's either gonna respond tomorrow or the day after.

    He may be more mature than me when it comes to emotional regulation, but he's still immature. I wish he'd just tell me, what's hurting him, and I'd tell him what's hurting me, so we could work it out, but no, he wanna act cool, calm and collected, he wanna pretend like he's unbothered when obviously, he is. He may not be super into me, but I feel like, he gets jealous when he sees me with someone else, and he doesn't wanna lose me.

    In all honesty, I'm not as distraught as I used to be, maybe it's because I'm now able to predict his pattern, and I've lowered my expectations of him. In contrast, as much as he wanna pretend like he's not bothered, I can see right through his pretense. I can imagine him silently fuming while acting cool, and I find it sort of endearing. I just hope there's still hope for us, and if we get back together again, it'd get better going forward, somehow.

One by One

    Have you ever felt this way?

    I've written about this before, but I lost three of my close friends last year, one by one. I'd really thought we'd be friends for eternity because they got me like no one else (I haven't found anyone else like them to this day) but then, it happened anyway. I tried to make things right, I reached out and I apologised even though I didn't really do anything wrong, but maybe I did something that pushed them away and I wasn't aware of it, but all I got was silence, as if those years of friendships are not worth fighting for at all.

    It felt like your heart got ripped out of your chest, repeatedly, and each time, you didn't even get to recover. I cried, I prayed to God to bring us all together again someday, but as time passed, it seems more and more unlikely to happen. I had to go through hardships on my own, and I had no one to talk to except my mum and a few friends of mine, and I felt so alone, working and living in a big city, all by myself.

    Then, after nearly a year of going through a seemingly unending tunnel, just before I completely lost hope, I saw a light at the end of it: I met Shorty 2.0. Come to think of it, his real name means, the gift of light, and I feel like, this even more testifies that our encounter wasn't merely a coincidence. Anyway, our first meeting didn't really go well though, it left me feeling even more lonely.

    The second time we met, however, made me feel alive, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. I'd thought it was gonna be a smooth ride onwards but I was wrong. We fought, we made up, we had a fight again, and now, I'm not sure where we stand, and where we are going from here. I hope there's still hope for us.

    All the while I was going through the ups and downs with Shorty 2.0, I've been confiding in a friend of mine. Although we're not super close, he's been there for me a lot of times, and I appreciate him, but I guess, he got tired of me because I kept talking about Shorty 2.0, and I don't blame him. I asked him if he wanted to hang out next Friday, after work, and his response felt, distant.

    Sigh. This makes me sad. Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I have at least someone, for ever? Someone who stays, no matter what. It doesn't mean we don't fight at all, or we don't need space and time from each other sometimes, but regardless of whatever happens, in the end, we always come together.

A Sad Eid

    So, I got home last night, at last, after nearly seven, tormenting hours on the bus, because I kept thinking of Shorty 2.0 but I didn't wanna reply his text since I was still so angry with him. In fact, I planned not to respond at all until he sends me, 'selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin,' which I'd consider giving a response to.

    Today, I waited, and I waited, for hours, but I didn't hear anything from him. Then, I remembered my mum's advice: be the bigger person, text him, it doesn't cost anything, it's gonna make me feel better. So, that's what I did. I told him, 'selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin, Shorty 2.0. I hope you & your family are safe and healthy, and having a good time.'

    About twenty minutes later, he gave me a reply, 'thank you. Selamat hari raya to you too, Blue,' to which I said, 'thank you.' It did me feel a bit better even though I'm still missing him but now my plan is to not contact him at all until he reaches out to me first, and even if he does, I'll keep him at a distance from now on until he proves me that he's changed.

    I don't know if he'd ever change and fulfill me emotionally, but, what I've learnt is, I can't hold him down, I've gotta let him go, let him fly, and let him learn and see the truth for himself: there's no one else like me. I don't know if he ever would, but I hope he will, and I hope he'll come back some day, a changed and better person. For now, I can miss him without talking to him.

I'm Done

    There are a few hours left before I've gotta leave and I wanna talk about something but I don't know how to talk about it, I'm still so angry.

    It happened again, Shorty 2.0 and I got into a fight.

    We planned to meet last night before I go back to my hometown today, and I could've been back in my hometown yesterday when my colleague asked me if I wanted to return together, but I declined because I already made a plan with Shorty 2.0.

    When it was nearly iftar, I knew he was gonna ditch me because he was quiet. So I sent him a text, asking him if we were gonna meet and he quickly replied, 'I can't do tonight, I'm out with my friends.'

    You, bitch. One, I made a plan with you first. Two, you didn't apologise at all. Three, you didn't even try to make it up. Four, if I'd known you were gonna ditch me, I would've left you in dust.

    So, I responded, 'you know what? Never mind.' No response from him, he knew I was gonna either ignore him or curse his arse out. He didn't wake me up for suhoor this morning like he normally did, but he did text me, 'safe journey and have a good time with your family,' to which I said absolutely nothing, I didn't even read it, I just looked at it through the notification.

    I've had enough, I really have. Your pretty face can't hide your stinky attitude. I hate him so much, my heart is filled with hatred for him. I wish I could see him and slap him across the face. I woke up at 3 am because I was so angry and I told God everything that happened so I could go back to sleep.

    He said I'm too much. Well, I say he's too little. I'm sick of the way he treats me and I'm tired of his game. So many things are left unsaid and unsettled. Why does it always have to be like this before I return to my hometown?

    He doesn't care so I don't wanna care too. I just wanna rest, and spend time with my family. I don't wanna think or talk about him. He can rot in Kuala Lumpur with his plastic friends.

PS If he ever wants to come back into my life, he needs to do a lot of work before I let him in again.

Go and Hang with Your "Fun" "Friends"

    Okay, setelah sekian lama aku tak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu, malam ni, aku nak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu, sebab aku tahu aku takkan puas kalau aku tulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

    So, macam biasa, Shorty 2.0 tak text aku sejak tengahari semalam, dan aku takkan terkejut kalau dia tak text aku malam ni dan esok, sebab yalah, aku ni kan "boring". Aku tak pergi kelab malam, aku tak minum arak, aku tak hisap dadah macam "kawan - kawan" kau yang "cool" tu, so, pergilah keluar dengan diaorang, lepak dengan diaorang, berparti dengan diaorang sampai lewat malam sementara aku dekat rumah seorang diri dan pukul 10 malam je aku dah tidur.

    Tapi, bila kau susah dan diaorang tinggalkan kau sebab diaorang nak berseronok je, kau barulah nak cari aku balik, sebab kau tahu aku ada hati yang besar, aku boleh terima orang balik walaupun orang tu pernah sakitkan hati aku. Sepanjang hidup aku ni, dah beberapa orang cari aku balik. Sebab apa? Sebab diaorang kena tinggal dengan "kawan - kawan" diaorang yang "fun" tu, dan diaorang baru sedar "kawan - kawan" diaorang tu fake.

    So, no, I'm not gonna initiate any more. Kalau kau text aku, aku akan reply, but I'll never be the first person to start a conversation, ever again, sebab dah berkali - kali bila aku yang text kau dulu, response kau, or the lack thereof, buat aku serik nak text kau dulu. I don't have a big ego, aku tak de masalah nak be the first person to start a conversation tapi aku pun ada harga diri, aku pun ada perasaan malu. Aku harap sangat kau akan sedar siapa kawan sebenar kau selama ni, yang asyik fikir pasal kau, yang selalu berdoa untuk kau tapi kau tak nak dia, kau tak nak jumpa dia.

PS Aku bila berkawan dengan orang, aku tak de hidden agenda, aku ikhlas berkawan dengan orang.

An Update No One Asked For

    After this post, I hadn't received any texts from Shorty 2.0, until I was out and about with an old friend, when he texted me, 'what are you gonna have for iftar?' I can't deny it, I was pleasantly surprised and I was relieved to hear from him again. I'd thought we'd go on for days or even weeks without talking to each other. I wanted to text him so badly, but like I said, I don't wanna do all the chasing, but at the same time, I don't wanna lose him.

    Afterwards, we talked a bit but I had to refrain myself from making it obvi to him that I was excited so I replied casually and this morning, he sent me a text, saying, 'wake up, it's suhoor,' to which I responded, 'thank you, enjoy your suhoor.' Now I've been looking forward to his next text.

Paradis, Paradis

    I don't know if you still remember this but back in 2007, 2008, 2009, Kagaya's art pieces were everywhere, they were used as desktop wallpaper, in videos made using Windows Movie Maker and so on, and I used to collect them, but then, they disappeared and were forgotten. I hadn't thought of them until just now, for some reason, so I searched for them, and when I found them, they gave me the same feelings many years ago.

    I used to imagine this is how paradise looks like: breathtakingly beautiful and serene, no anger, no fear, no hurt, no sadness, no worry, just happiness, and you've got all the time in the world, and I still do. I wish I could live there, with Shorty 2.0, and we'd go on adventures, exploring the world together, and no matter how far we wander, there will always be new places waiting for us, and after a long day, we'd go home, and rest in the night, looking forward to tomorrow.

Emotional Roller Coaster

    Yesterday, Shorty 2.0 came to my house, and we had iftar together, for the first time. We talked about different stuff, and he hand-fed me. We hugged before he left (he smelt so good), and I was supposed to be happy, but I felt conflicted instead. When we were having a conversation, he spoke about his white gold necklace which his third ex bought for him for his birthday. Then he brought up someone from Iran who used to live and work here (I think they used to hook up with each other), and he went on and on about how hot this person is, and I couldn't help feeling jealous.

    Maybe he was just telling me stuff, maybe he hasn't moved on, maybe he didn't know it was gonna make me jealous, maybe he wanted to make me jealous, I don't know, but personally, I wouldn't talk about my past love life because it's pointless, and I think he knows how I feel for him. 

    This morning, he sent me a text, reminding me to get up for suhoor, which was sweet. I thanked him and said, 'have a good day and take care.' The whole day, we didn't text each other at all. I wanted to, but I didn't wanna smother him, so, I refrained myself from doing so until I came home. I asked him what he was gonna have for iftar today. I know he wasn't gonna have iftar with me today, and sure enough, he said he was gonna iftar with someone else.

    I can lie and pretend like that didn't hurt me at all, and I know some people might be like, let him do whatever he wants, he's got his own life, and you're right, but that doesn't and can't invalidate my feelings. I just felt sad and lonely. I wish I could spend every day with him.

    I wish he was madly in love with me like I was with him, I wish he thought of me all the time like I think of him, I wish he texted me multiple times a day, I wish he could never get enough of me like I can't get enough of him, I wish he felt the same way towards me.

    We haven't texted each other since. I don't know if I'm gonna get a good night text or a wake up it's suhoor text, but I wouldn't surprised if I'm not gonna hear from him, and I can't speak to him at the moment, as much as I want to, because I'm angry, and I don't wanna say something that I'm gonna regret. I miss him, but he needs to prove himself too, he needs to chase me as well, because I'm tired of doing all the chasing. I feel like a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve.

    I don't know where we're gonna go from here. Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you just love me like I love you? I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster, I wanna get off it, I just want a reassurance, that it'll all work out in the end.

Penakut

'Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Oh ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

Ini tidak adil untuk engkau bertanya jika aku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku

Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk

Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan

Beban yang tak pernah kau cuba ringankan

Oh ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

Ini tidak adil untuk engkau bertanya jika aku mencintaimu juga

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut

Mengakui cinta kepadamu

Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan

Bila bersamamu

Kau bukan milikku

Dan engkau pun tahu

Kau bukan milikku'

    I feel like this song by Yuna perfectly describes my situation with Shorty 2.0.

    I'm in love with him but it pains me to not know for sure if he feels the same way towards me and what if he doesn't? I wish he loved me like he loved his exes (he told me he used to live with one of his exes for seven years and when his ex moved, he'd follow), I wish we were together, I wish he was mine, I wish we lived together so we could be together all the time, for eternity, I just wanna spend time with him, I just wanna be with him.

I'm So Happy I Could Die

    I haven't felt this happy in a very long time.

    Shorty 2.0 asked me if I wanted to go for a swim with him in the afternoon today and I said yes.

    I went to his house and hung out in his room while he was getting ready.

    He gave me one of his soft toys. 

    Afterwards we walked to one of the swimming pools at our apartment building.

    We swam for a while before we chilled out by the pool.

    He opened out to me about his past and I opened out to him about mine.

    Then we headed home.

    It felt so good spending time with him, getting to know him, learning about him.

    It's one of the best memories I've ever had with him.

    I just wish I'd taken photos with him.

    And I wish I could relieve that moment with him for ever.

Uncertainty

    It's been nearly a year since I moved to Kuala Lumpur, and I'm still yearning to go back to Cyber. I think there are a couple of reasons I'm still living and working here. One, I haven't found another job, and, two, Shorty 2.0. He's the reason I'm looking for another job here and I used to be searching for another job in Cyber. If he'd have to return to his country someday which we'll find out in April, May or June 2026, I don't think I'd be able to stay here, it'd be too painful.

    I'm not sure where I should go from here. Should I look for another job in Cyber or Kuala Lumpur? Should I search for a job in HR or in another field? Should I stay here for another year? I'm not sure, so, I just go with the flow, I let life take me to wherever it's going until I get a sign or an answer.

    I'm not sure if I've talked about this in a previous post but when I was working in Cyber, I was living lavishly. I'd have fancy dinner almost every Friday night, go to the shopping centres and the karaoke bars and the cinemas, and I'd buy luxury items a few times a year. Now, I can barely do any of those any more. I thought moving here would make my life better, but I feel like it just gets worse.