Where Do We Go From Here?

    I don't know where to start. Only a few things in my life have changed so far, but they're significant to me.

    I've got back with Shorty 2.0, but he's still vague, he's not being completely honest with me, and he keeps going hot & cold, and it's tiring to keep up a friendship with him. When he's nice, it feels magical, but when he's cold, it feels impossible, and the reason I think he's acting this way with me, is he's possibly got someone else. So, when he's cold with me, it's possibly because he's being nice to the other person since the other person's entertaining him, but when the other person doesn't entertain him, outta the blue, he's being nice to me. I don't know how long this is gonna last, but to be completely honest, it pains me to say this, but I don't see it's gonna be long-lasting.

    I don't wanna talk much about this as it's still painful to talk about, but I think I could confidently say, my friendships with two of my used-to-be "close friends", are over for good, and I'm okay with that as I'm done with them. Several days ago, I got a text from one of them, who was not involved in my fight with the other one at all, but she still chose to side with her for some reason, and after being friends for years, you'd expect some decency, but there was nothing decent about the text she sent me. It was rude, it was bitchy, and it was cold, and I've had enough so I blocked her, and it felt so good. It felt like taking the power back from an ungrateful bitch who you helped find a job, not once, but twice, and the reason she got her third & current job, is I helped her find her second job. You can act like you did it all by yourself, but you, I and God know the truth. Good luck with that small advertising agency no one knows and your poor, ugly boyfriend.

    This might sound mad, but I was doing my laundry at the laundry bar this afternoon, and I was imagining, as I am most of the time, if only I had the power of mind control, like, I could make these people befriend me. I know there's no sincerity in that, and I'd get sick of it, knowing they don't actually wanna be friends with me, but it'd be nice to have it my way, sometimes. They'd have to be good to me, spend time with me, and go out with me, or, maybe instead of controlling their minds, I could have a physical android version of them, like in the Black Mirror episode Be Right Back. I don't really care it's not genuine, I'm just sick and tired of people who aren't consistent.

Scared & Tired

    So, I'm going back to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow, after returning to my hometown for five days, and I'm scared and tired.

    First of all, I know it's gonna be hard because I'm gonna be missing my mum so badly, and I'm gonna be so homesick because I'm not gonna get to go back to my hometown for at least a month, until Eid ul-Fitr. I'm not gonna get to celebrate Ramadan with her, I'm gonna have to go through it all alone, and it's scary, and I'm gonna be constantly worried about her, and wondering if this is the last time I get to see her, and I'm scared. It's hard having to be hundreds of miles away from your loved ones, but I'm not fortunate enough to get a job in my hometown which I'd totally be down for if there's ever such an opportunity so I could take care of my mum, and I wouldn't have to be in this shitty place.

    Next, speaking of Ramadan, I'm gonna have to change my routine, and I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to cope with it, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. When I was living and working in Cyber, my house was only about 5 to 10 minutes from my office so I could have iftar either at the office or my house, and I could do tarawih at either place, and I was surrounded by my friends so I didn't feel so alone, but now, like I've just said, I've got no friends here so I'm gonna have to go through it all alone, and now in Kuala Lumpur, my house is like 30 minutes from my office, by LRT.

    Thirdly, I've got so much work to do. I was planning to get them done, not all of them, but at least most of them, during this holiday, before I've gotta go to work this Thursday, but I haven't been able to focus because I had another fight, which was the biggest one so far and left me devastated, with Shorty 2.0 which brings me to my next point, and that is, after I thought it was over, I reached out to him because I struggled to accept it, I couldn't. I didn't really plan it, I thought I was gonna text him maybe after a week or a month, but I couldn't wait that long, so I sent him a text, saying sorry for the way I spoke to him, and my expectations were too high, and I shouldn't have pushed him, I should've given him space and time. I thought he was gonna ignore me or block me but he only gave a thumbs up which was vague but at least it's a response, I guess.

    A few days ago, I texted him again, asking him if I could see him this Wednesday, and he only said, 'we'll see.' I don't know how it's gonna turn out tomorrow, if I'm gonna get to see him, how he's gonna react, if it's really over. I really want it to work because I really like him, and he's all I've got there. Having him makes me feel less lonely and scared, living and working in a big city.

Wish You Were Mine

    He hasn't texted me, and I feel like it's killing me slowly, and it's not fair because he's having fun there while I'm here feeling like I'm dying and not able to think of anyone else other than him.

    There are so many other things I wanna talk about, but I can't because he's all I can think of. I wish he'd just text me, anything, as long as I don't have to wait to hear back anything from him any more.

    I'm tired. I wish I made at least RM5,000 a month so I don't have to be so worried about money every month, and I had a job that doesn't overwhelm me, and I had a car, and I had my own place.

I Don't Know What to Feel

    Could time stop? For a while? Or could weekends be three days? Instead of two days? So I could process things?

    Last night, after work, I went out with a friend of mine, to a shopping centre. I had an okay time, it wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either. Sorry, babe, it's not you, it's just me. I was still recovering from the pharyngitis and conjunctivitis, and I still am. I came home around 10 pm, and I just, I don't know. I felt sorta sad, and lonely. Maybe it's because Shorty 2.0 (I don't know what to call him for now) is away at the moment, and I wish he was here.

    We texted each other before I went to sleep, and the conversation sorta turned into an argument when I asked him if he was seeing someone there, and he didn't answer my question. So, I told him to just be honest with me. If he has been seeing someone else, it's fine, I'm not gonna like it, but he's not mine, but then, we could only be friends, not more than that.

    And he stopped texting me ever since. He read my texts but that's it. So, I'm annoyed because it's not that hard. Just be honest. I think he wanna have his cake and eat it too. Maybe he could do that to other people, but not me. I don't know whether he'd text me because I'm certainly not gonna text him or that's the end of it. I like him, and I miss him, and I wanna have a friendship with him, but I can't if he's not gonna be honest with me.

You Make Me Wanna Die

    So, I've got pharyngitis and conjunctivitis, and I've got a two-day medical leave which is nice because I get to rest and recover, but the recovery has been sort of a challenge. I think it started on my birthday or the day before, and it's been fluctuating ever since. There were nights I felt so cold I had to put on my sweater, long johns and thick socks, and I had to switch off the fan, and wrap myself in a duvet, and there were times I felt like I was getting better before feeling like I was gonna die. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. What I know for certain it's not the best way to start a new year.

    Anyway, speaking of not knowing what's gonna happen to me, I've still been talking to the guy, but I don't know how long it's gonna last. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing him, and I don't know what to do. Like I've said before, I want us to be in some sort of an exclusive but not committed relationship, like, I don't want us to see other people, but at the same time, we don't have to talk to or meet each other every day. I do miss him a lot, and I do wanna see him again, but given my condition at the moment, it's not a good idea, even though we live in the same apartment building.

    Also, ever since I've been talking to him, I've been thinking less of two of my close friends. I haven't fully moved on, but I'm not really waiting for them to come back any more. I miss them, but I've gotta keep going too, I can't wait for them for ever, I've got a life to live as well, and I'm sure they've moved on a long time ago, while I was picking up the pieces and reminiscing the good old days. If they do come back someday, I'll welcome them with open arms, but if they don't, then that's end of the friendship. It's hard, but I've done all I could, and I can't fix it if they don't want it to be fixed.

Haven't Felt Like This in a Very Long Time

    It's almost 1 am, and I'm just sitting here, in the living room of my house, in my hometown (I'm back for a few days), thinking of, I'm not sure what. Maybe multiple different things all at once.

    Actually, I think I know what I've been thinking of the most, but I'm just not sure how to put in words. I met someone last December, someone who lives in the same apartment building, someone who reminds me of Shorty. We actually matched on Bumble before I moved there, and I thought he's cute, but the match expired because he didn't respond to my text. I was disappointed but I moved on.

    Fast forward to months later, someone chatted me up on a different dating app but I wasn't really interested because his profile picture is blurry until we exchanged our pictures and that's when I realised it was coincidentally him, the same guy I matched with on Bumble. At first, he, out of the blue, stopped chatting with me and I thought he wasn't attracted to me so I was disappointed but then he started talking to me again. I asked him if he wanna see me and he said yes.

    The first time we met, it didn't go very well. I felt weird after seeing him and we stopped talking again, for about a month, until he texted me, asking me if I wanna see him and I said yes. The second time we met was better, we went out for dinner together and we got to know each other a bit. Ever since then, we've been texting each other, some days a lot, some days a bit and I think I'm catching feelings for him and I'm scared, like what if I'm more into him than he's into me? What if he's just using me? What if I'm doing something wrong? What if I'm gonna lose him?

    I can't help thinking of him a lot and missing him and I've been texting him a lot but I don't wanna come across as desperate. We've planned to meet again but I don't know if that'd happen because anything could happen. Maybe I should stop texting him and see if he'd text me. I appreciate him for checking on me because I've been down with a cold for the past one week but I wish he'd just be honest with me so we wouldn't have to play this stupid game.

    I don't really feel like being in a committed relationship at the moment but at the same time, I'd like us to be in some sort of an exclusive relationship.