Thank God, Tomorrow's a Holiday

    Nasib baiklah esok cuti sebab aku demam panas gila sampai menggigil - gigil, kena pakai baju berlapis - lapis, tutup kipas, nak bangun pun payah, nak makan pun tak de selera. Alhamdulillah, hari ni okay sikit dan aku harap, esok, I'll get better supaya aku boleh siapkan kerja aku. Aku plan nak mula buat kerja aku semalam tapi tulah.

    Anyway, aku nak kena pindah sebab landlord rumah aku tinggal sekarang ni nak jual rumah ni. I'm sorta sad tapi ada kebaikan juga aku pindah. Aku adalah jumpa satu rumah ni tapi aku tak tengok lagi rumah tu so aku tak tahu rumah tu okay ke tak tapi aku harap sangat rumah tu okay sebab aku dah penat cari rumah.

    Speaking of which, aku plan nak simpan duit deposit aku, nak beli boots Versace tu bulan depan sempena birthday aku. Yes, I'm probably gonna need some financial aid from my mum... Anywho, if everything goes as planned, that'd be perfect.

    Lepas tu, believe it or not, aku plan nak save duit aku. Aku target nak simpan sebulan seribu. Ada banyak benda aku nak kena guna duit tu: braces, kereta dan lain - lain lagi.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak tidur. Goodnight.

I Survived the First Week of Work

    Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur sebab esok aku nak kena bangun awal, pergi kerja but yes, I survived the first week of work. Mungkin sesetengah orang akan fikir, yang tu pun nak bangga ke? Yes, it's not that big of a deal but I went through a lot this week so I deserve every good thing in the world, lol.

    Anyway, aku dah dapat gaji bulan ni dan aku harap sangat aku boleh simpan duit and by January, inshallah, aku ada cukup duit untuk beli boots Versace tu (also, I hope, by that time, the boots will still be available).

    By the way, ada seorang co-worker aku ni jual espadrilles Gucci dekat aku. Aku tak minat espadrilles tapi manager aku rasa aku patut beli espadrilles tu. Tengoklah macam mana nanti.

Waiting for the Light at the End of the Tunnel

    Malam ni malam terakhir aku dekat hometown aku sebelum aku kena balik sana balik malam esok. Tadi, aku tengok Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One dengan abang aku.

    Dulu, aku selalu nak keluar dari sini tapi sekarang, aku tak nak balik sana. Aku jadi menyampah dengan tempat tu—orang dekat situ to be exact. Bukan semua but some and I'm not happy there. Depan orang, aku senyum, gelak dan buat lawak tapi bila aku balik rumah, semua tu hilang and I just wanna be alone, aku tak nak jumpa siapa - siapa, aku tak nak cakap dengan siapa - siapa. I try to make peace with where I am at, at this point of my life but I haven't been able to do so. There's a lot of bottled-up rage in me.

    I'm not an introvert, I love socialising so I know there's something wrong when I don't wanna mingle with anyone, like when I used to take a walk in the night.

    Dulu, aku ingat, lepas aku habis belajar, my life would get better but now, I feel like, it's more or less the same and I don't know how long it's gonna be like this, I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, to end my suffering.

PS I'd never really been a fan of the Versace Aevitas platform pumps until I saw this pair.

    The colour and the blue diamanté fascinate me and the patent leather makes them even more fascinating. They're perfect, they've got ankle straps, side openings and so on.

A Safe Place

    Sebenarnya, aku balik hometown aku tiga hari lepas sebelum aku nak kena masuk kerja balik hari Isnin minggu depan tapi aku asyik tidur saja dan aku tak berapa sihat baru - baru ni. Speaking of my hometown, kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam tak nak balik sana, for a number of reasons tapi pada masa yang sama, tak de kerja dekat hometown aku ni.

    Anyway, sebelum aku tidur, aku ada benda nak cakap sikit.

    Aku tak tahulah orang lain ada ke tak imagination macam ni tapi kadang - kadang, aku imagine, kalau aku hidup dalam dunia post-apocalyptic, aku nak tidur dekat department store macam Parkson atau dalam office. I don't know why but for some reason, aku rasa selamat dekat tempat - tempat ni.

    Aku ada tulis cerita post-apocalypse dan dalam cerita tu, aku banyak focus dekat tempat rehat tapi sampai sekarang aku tak habis lagi tulis cerita tu.

    I don't know, maybe it's because I grew up with these places when I was a child and maybe, deep inside, I'm yearning for a safe place, a haven, a sanctuary, whatever you call it but I haven't found one so I create one in my mind.

    I hope, someday, I'll find one.

PS It feels good to escape from the harsh reality once in a while.

God Knows I'm Trying

    Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur sebab esok aku nak kena pergi kerja tapi aku nak luah perasaan sikit.

    So, ni minggu terakhir internship aku dan inshallah, aku akan diserap. I should be happy but I'm gonna sound ungrateful, to be completely honest, I'm not happy. The reason is, it's not my passion and I'm terrified I'd be stuck here for the rest of my life.

    To make matters worse, the pay is relatively low, compared to other companies and I know it's better than nothing but I feel like my dreams (one of them is the Versace Medusa combat boots of course) are getting further and further. In all honesty, I don't have any motivation to go to work, not even my crush can motivate me any more. I wake up every day wanting to go back to sleep. I'm clinging to anything to keep me going and yes, even the boots.

    I don't know what the future has in store for me. I'm honestly scared but there's nothing I can do about it except applying for jobs which is what I've been doing and I haven't received any responses so for now, I just go with the flow, I let life take me to wherever it's going.

    Sigh. Oh, God, please save me.

PS I'm not into crotchet but the colour of this shirt reminds me of a blazer from the new Gucci collection.

    Also, this shirt's gonna make a cute shirt to wear to the office.

I Just Wanna be Alone

   I've got so many things to write but I don't really feel like writing tonight so I'm just gonna write what I feel like writing.

    First of all, it's been a stressful week and I've been stressed out mainly because of people. To make matters worse, I've got no car.

    Next, my logo didn't get shortlisted, only my tagline did and I've just found out the prize isn't money but a voucher which disappoints me because I've been trying to save money (unless it's a Zara or Sephora gift card).

    This brings me to my next point and that is, I feel like I'm getting further and further from my dreams and one of them is to get the Versace Medusa boots and I want them more than anything.

    At the same time, I still want other things like the Versace Goddess T-shirt. I guess, I'm gonna have to lose some to get some, I can't have everything.

Posting from Work for the First Time!

    Yeah, ni kali pertama aku post dari tempat kerja. Aku bukan tak de kerja nak buat tapi aku tak tahu kenapa hari ni aku malas gila. There, I admit it. Anyway, ada beberapa benda aku nak cakap sikit.

    First of all, sejak trip company aku tu, crush aku tu tak cakap langsung dengan aku. Aku sedihlah but there's nothing I can do about it.

    Next, aku asyik fikir pasal boots Versace tu (aku dah lama tak cakap pasal boots tu), aku asyik fikir macam mana aku nak beli boots tu, macam mana aku nak simpan duit.

    The only way yang aku boleh fikir, aku kena berpuasa (aku boleh lose weight at the same time). Lepas tu, of course, aku naik bas instead of naik Grab. Also, aku tak boleh beli apa - apa langsung. Aku tak tahulah aku boleh buat ke tak tapi aku akan cuba sebab aku nak sangat boots tu, more than anything.

    Aku harap sangat aku akan dapat boots tu kali ni.

    Last but not least, aku annoyed dengan sesetengah orang. Okay, that's it, bye.

Metallic and Snake Print? Sign Me Up!

    Aku dah lama tak update wish list aku and just now, aku tengok wish list tu, there are a number of things I'm no longer really into because my style has evolved. I wouldn't say my style has changed since it's still the same but it's become more refined, I'd say. Anyway, nantilah aku update wish list tu bila aku ada masa dan mood.

    Anyway, there are some things I wanna talk about.

    First of all, this season's Zara is really good (it's been bad for the past few seasons). I don't know whether there's been a change in the creative direction or what brands they're copying but there are so many things I wanna buy yet I've got so little money, sigh.

    Next, Converse and Dr Martens haven't been producing good shoes but these boots are an exception.

    Out of all animal prints, my favourite animal print is snake print and I've always wanted something metallic in green, blue, yellow, pink and purple and these boots tick all the boxes so when I saw them, they instantly got into my wishlist.

    Thirdly, siang tadi, aku online window shopping sambil makan dan aku saja google Versace Hinge bag tu. Walaupun beg tu lama dan buruk, it has a profound impact on me. Surprisingly, ada orang masih resell beg tu dekat satu website ni dan masa aku tengah scroll dekat website tu, I found something that immediately reignited an old flame.

    Versace Medusa combat boots in patent leather in black, yang aku nak sejak dua tahun lepas tu.

    Aku terus click lepas tu aku baca dengan teliti. Never been worn. Size 40 IT. I'm not sure if it's my size but I don't really mind if it's not because I don't plan to wear them, for now. Harga RM3,000+++.

    This is probably gonna sound like an overreaction but I suddenly felt motivated to work and save money. They're definitely my top priority now. Aku tak tahulah aku akan sempat ke tak nak beli boots tu, aku fikir, if I get them, then they're meant for me.

    Last but not least, here's a mini wish list that I haven't merged with the old one.

    1. Versace Medusa combat boots in patent leather in black
    2. Versace Goddess oversized T-shirt in black
    3. Dr Martens Sinclair in snake print in purple
    4. Versace Repeat bag in large in purple

    Okay lah, aku dah nak tidur, esok aku nak kena bangun awal.

Colourful Indeed

    Okay, hari ni, aku ada ikut trip company aku and I had a smashing time, especially because aku dapat cakap dengan crush aku tu banyak jugalah. Mula - mula, aku menyesal gila join sebab aku kena sacrifice weekend aku but now I'm glad I went on that trip. It's definitely gonna be one of the memorable memories of my life.

    Speaking of my crush, I don't know what he considers us but I definitely don't consider us friends, only acquaintances. Aku nak berkawan dengan dia but it's hard for a number of reasons. Satu, meja dia agak jauh daripada meja aku. Dua, dia department lain dan department dia tak related sangat dengan department aku. Tiga, dia macam jual mahal jugalah dengan aku. Aku tak tahulah dia malu ke apa tapi one moment aku cakap dengan dia, the next dia buat macam tak kenal aku.

    Nevertheless, I had good, albeit short moments with him today and the pièce de résistance was when his trousers slipped down so I saw his underwear and butt so I told him about it and he said to me, 'I'm "colourful",' which made me blush for some reason, lol.

    Anyway, I hope we'll be closer and closer even though things are probably gonna return like before after this but I still hope.

    By the way, mungkin ada orang akan fikir aku bitter ke apa but I hate most of my classmates. So, tarikh convocation dah keluar dan diaorang yang tak buat kerja ni (bukan aku seorang je yang pernah kena dengan diaorang, ramai orang lain pun pernah kena dengan diaorang) pakat buat excited nak graduate. So annoying.

    Sigh, tak payah buat banggalah dengan degree atas kerja keras orang lain. Degree kau tu tak halal. Degree sampah, tak de kualiti. Aku harap sangat kau rasa balik nanti apa yang kau buat dekat kitaorang dulu. Pergi mampus.

I Hate Fakes & Dupes

    Okay, aku ada kerja nak kena buat sebelum aku tidur tapi aku ada benda nak cakap sikit dan aku dah lama nak cakap pasal ni.

    I hate fakes and dupes. Do you know what a dupe is? Dupe ni, contohnyalahkan, beg Gucci Horsebit tu tapi tak de logo Gucci dan detail Horsebit tu dia tukar sikit. Dia berbeza dengan fake yang sebiji macam beg tu.

    Apa yang buat aku nak cakap pasal ni? Aku ada follow seorang batchmate foundation course aku ni dekat Instagram. Dia ni senang jugalah. Ada satu gambar tu, dia post, dia bawa beg Louis Vuitton. Aku terkejut jugalah sebab contrary to popular belief, jarang nak jumpa beg Louis Vuitton yang asli sebab beg Louis Vuitton tak murah ye. Kalau tak percaya, boleh tengok sendiri dekat website dia. So, kalau kauorang ada nampak orang bawa beg Louis Vuitton tu, it's most probably fake.

    Anyway, masa tu, I was like, mungkin beg tu aslilah kot sebab dia senang jugalah tapi makin lama, aku makin rasa beg - beg dia fake sebab dia suka menunjuk jugalah "designer" bags dia macam Chanel, Gucci dan Miu Miu. Kalau kau tak tahu, semua beg ni mahal gila nak mampus ye so I doubt dia mampu. Kalau ada dia satu saja, aku percayalah tapi ni sampai ada satu collection dan orang - orang yang lebih kaya daripada dia, yang ada beg designer yang asli, yang aku kenal pun tak de sebanyak tu.

    Yang lagi menguatkan suspicion aku beg - beg dia fake, dia ada post story, dia minta tukang emas mana entah buat gelang macam gelang Van Cleef & Arpels.

    Sorry, aku tahu, dia tak kacau duit aku pun tapi aku memang tak boleh dengan fakes dan dupes, like, why? Kalau tak mampu, buat cara tak mampu. Ni aku bukan tujukan dekat dia seorang saja tapi dekat orang lain yang beli fakes dan dupes. Ye, aku faham, aku pun ada beg idaman juga iaitu beg Versace Repeat tu dan kalau aku ada duit, aku dah lama beli beg tu sebab harga dia turun daripada nak dekat RM9,000 jadi RM3,000 lebih tapi sebab aku tak de duit, so aku diam jelah (aku pun tak tahulah aku akan dapat ke tak beg tu).

    Frankly, it's pathetic. Dia macam, kau tak de duit tapi kau acah - acah ada duit and that's just sad. Ye, aku tahu, dekat Zara, H&M ada banyak dupes tapi aku tak pernah beli dupes.  I'll never buy fakes and dupes. Belilah yang design original walaupun brand entah apa - apa. That's much more honourable than buying fakes and dupes.

    Mungkinlah, kau boleh impress sesetengah orang but definitely not me and let me tell you something, no one cares kau pakai apa pun kalau attitude kau busuk dan lagi malu kalau orang dapat tahu kau pakai barang fake.

Thank God It's the Weekend

    Aku nak tulis something tapi aku tak tahu kenapa aku tak boleh nak tulis so I'm just gonna write whatever I feel like writing.

    Last week, I found this shirt on Zara.

    When I first saw it, I immediately knew I've gotta have it. The colours and especially the print are to die for. My size was unavailable so I had to impatiently wait for about a week, hoping my size would be restocked. So, when I saw my size came back in stock this morning, I snatched it without hesitation. I can't wait to see it in person and I hope it looks as good as it looks in the pictures.

    I'm also eyeing this T-shirt and these jeans.

    As you know, I'm in my purple era and I love this shade of purple. The distress makes it grungy which I love. It's sorta similar to the Versace Goddess T-shirt in purple.

    As for the jeans, I know I vowed I'd never, ever don a pair of straight jeans but hear me out. I've got a slim T-shirt that I've been wanting to wear but I can't because it goes horribly with skinny jeans. At first, I thought it's because of the colour but then I realised it's the fit. Also, in my defence, they're not wide-legged and I'll never commit the fashion crime of pairing them with an oversized top and a pair of boots or high-tops.

    I know, I should be saving my money, not only for the Versace Goddess T-shirt but also as an emergency fund because only God knows what's gonna happen in the future. I'm really hoping I'll win my company's contest (the first place prize is RM1,200 which is a lot).

    Sigh. Entahlah. There are so many things I wanna buy yet I've got so little money. I'm sick and tired of living like this. I blame myself and I regret for spending recklessly in the past. I wish I could have that level of financial stability where I don't have to worry about money so much.

A Silly Dilemma

     Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur sebab esok aku nak kena bangun awal tapi aku nak cakap sikit sebelum aku tidur.

    So, aku dah cakap balik dengan crush aku and it makes me happy. I'm not gonna deny, every time I see him, my day brightens up and this is gonna sound so stupid tapi aku jadi berat hati nak tinggal company ni walaupun makin lama, makin toxic sebab aku nak kena tinggal dia. I know I should do what's best for myself dan entah - entah, kalau aku stay, dia belah, lepas tu, aku terkontang - kanting seorang diri. Entahlah, we'll see what happens.

Balik Kampung (Not Village but Hometown)

    So, sekarang aku dekat hometown aku after a long, grueling week (tak sampai seminggu pun tapi rasa macam seminggu sebab kena deal co-workers yang annoying). Dulu, aku tak suka balik hometown aku sebab ada banyak bad memories dekat sini tapi sekarang, it feels good to be away from the city and the hustle and bustle of city life for a while.

    Aku ada benda sikit nak cakap tapi aku tak berapa pasti nak cakap apa.

    First of all, semalam, crush aku ada repost kawan dia record video dia and God, he's so hot. Sadly, semalam aku terserempak dengan dia beberapa kali, dia tak cakap langsung dengan aku. Is he annoyed with me too for not talking to him? I don't know but I feel like we're both playing this stupid game of waiting who's gonna make the first move first.

    Next, I've been feeling like I'm getting farther and farther from my dreams. Contohnya, aku nak jadi copywriter tapi sekarang aku kerja dalam bidang HR. Lepas tu, aku tengah kumpul duit nak beli T-shirt Versace Goddess tu tapi setiap kali aku kumpul duit, ada je benda aku nak kena beli macam groceries, toiletries and so on.

    Benda ni buat aku rasa disorientated, hilang sense of belonging dan macam aku hilang footing dalam dunia ni. I don't know where I belong. I still wanna be a copywriter but I don't know how to get there. I also don't know what the future has in store for me and it's terrifying.

    I just hope that, after I've gone through everything, I'll find my way home.

Seriously Annoyed

    Sigh. Aku ada banyak kerja but I need to get some stuff off my chest.

    First of all, aku annoyed dengan crush aku. Ever since, he posted on his Instagram his father's sick and I DMed him (no ulterior motive whatsoever, just pure empathy), 'I pray to God to grant your father a full recovery and to give you and your family strength to go through this hard time,' I feel like he's been avoiding me. I don't know why he's acting this way towards me, I did absolutely nothing wrong but his behaviour's annoying. What made it worse, I saw he liked my colleague's picture (he hasn't liked mine at all) so it's not like he's busy or he wants to be alone. At this point, I'm like, whatever, I don't care about him any more, he can go.

    Next, some people at my workplace really grate on me. They're rude, nasty, irresponsible, unprofessional, incompetent, immature, snotty and the list can go on and on. I've been trying to stay calm and professional but I swear to God, they're really trying my patience because they think I wouldn't fight back, they think I wouldn't dare to. Well, I pray to God to make these miserable people more miserable than they already are. Also, no wonder you people look the way you people look: ugly as hell because your insides are nasty.

    Last but not least, I hate some of my batchmates, if not most. Semua pakat nak menunjuk internship diaoranglah yang paling best, yang paling happening. Yalah, internship kitaorang yang lain ni memang tak best langsung pun (I'm being sarcastic, if you can't tell). I might sound envious to some people but I'm not envious at all. I'm only envious if you own the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace Repeat bag. Kelakar sebab ada orang yang buat internship dekat company yang lebih besar dan gempak daripada kau tapi tak menunjuk pun macam kau so nampak sangat kau jakun. Mungkinlah kau boleh impress sesetengah orang but I'm not impressed at all. You're a small fish in a small pond so of course you'd feel like you're a big fish. Well, try swimming in a big pond, lol.

    Ada lagi benda yang annoy aku tapi aku dah malas nak tulis. Nantilah aku tulis kalau ada mood.

A Short Update

    Aku sebenarnya dah nak kena tidur tapi aku ada benda nak tulis sikit.

    First of all, harga beg Valentino tu nak dekat RM20,000 wei. It's totally outta my price range. So, I'm just gonna stick to the Versace Repeat bag.

    Next, speaking of which, Versace released the Odissea trainers in metallic lilac.

    I'm in my purple era and this is just glorious but I'm still focusing on getting the Goddess T-shirt and the bag.

    Thirdly, aku dah mula sembang dengan crush aku dekat tempat kerja aku tu. Kitaorang tak adalah dah jadi kawan but still, it's a progress and dare I say, it's the highlight of the week.

    To be completely honest, he's one of the reaons that motivate me to go to work. Tempat kerja aku ni tak adalah seteruk kelas aku masa aku buat degree dulu tapi adalah beberapa ekor makhluk dekat situ yang buat tempat tu kurang syok.

    Last but not least, I miss some parts of my university like the library and my residence hall. I wish I could go back but this time without the assignments and the demons.

You Are So Dreamy, Feel Like I'm in the Movies

    Okay, aku baru bangun tidur sebab aku busy dan penat gila hari ni so lepas aku balik tadi, aku tertidur dan aku sebenarnya ada banyak kerja nak buat tapi aku nak tulis sikit.

    So, dekat tempat aku buat internship, ada seorang lelaki ni and he's so handsome: tinggi, sado, putih, berjambang dan ada rupa. Kali pertama aku terserempak dengan dia masa first day aku dekat situ, aku lepak dekat pantry dan dia masuk. Dia pandang aku, aku senyum dekat dia, dia jeling. Masa tu, walaupun aku annoyed, aku fikir, fahamlah dia berlagak sebab dia elok (tapi lagi elok kalau tak berlagak).

    Kali kedua aku terserempak dengan dia masa aku dekat surau. Again, dia pandang aku, aku senyum dekat dia, dia jeling. Aku macam, nohorom, dekat surau pun berlagak lagi.

    Adalah satu hari tu, masa aku nak masuk office, aku nampak dia berjalan belakang aku so aku hold pintu untuk dia dan tu kali pertama dia senyum dekat aku.

    Ever since then, aku perasan dia asyik pandang aku. Bukan aku buat cerita ye. Also, just so you know, aku kena lalu dekat meja dia nak ke meja aku.

    Adalah satu hari tu pula, aku tengah cari someone. Tiba - tiba, dia datang dekat aku dan tanya aku, aku cari siapa. Aku pun bagi tahulah dia dan dia tunjuk dekat aku. Lepas tu, bila aku nak balik ke meja aku, aku nampak dia pun nak balik ke meja dia juga. Kiranya, dia saja - sajalah datang dekat aku, bukannya dia ada kerja ke apa.

    I have to admit, lama - lama, aku mula ada crush dekat dia. So, ada satu malam tu, lepas aku balik kerja, aku stalk dia dekat social media and I found out he's already married with a kid. Aku fikir, mm, dia nak buat kawan saja kot.

    Dia still pandang aku every single time aku lalu dekat meja dia dan aku nak cakap dengan dia tapi aku tak nak nampak desperate. At the same time, aku tahu dia ada ramai peminat tapi orang tak mengaku je. Ada hari tu, aku tegur dia dan dia jadi macam gelabah, lol.

    Entahlah. Aku harap aku boleh berkawan dengan dia.

Life Update

    Aku tak tahulah ada orang baca ke tak blog ni (aku rasa tak de) tapi kali terakhir aku post bulan May dan sekarang dah bulan September. Aku bukan tak nak post, in fact, aku dah lama nak post tapi mungkin aku malas and lately, aku busy dan penat.

    Alhamdulillah, semester terakhir aku dah berakhir dan sekarang aku tengah buat internship. It still sorta feels surreal, I still sorta can't believe I completed my final year project, I'd never thought I could finish it. Outta all semesters, the final semester was probably the most challenging semester, physically and emotionally but it was also the best semester.

    I've gotta admit, I'm sorta frustrated I don't get to do my internship in advertising/copywriting which is my lifelong passion but there's nothing I can do about it so I just focus on what I've got and what I can do and I just go with the flow, I just let life take me to wherever it's going. Also, I try to be thankful for what I've got.

    Anyway, believe it or not, I've been saving my money. I haven't shopped at all, I just don't feel like going shopping. I've still been eyeing on the Versace Goddess T-shirt and the Versace Repeat bag though. I'm also saving for a car because it is so hard to go to work without a car (I've been going to work by bus), let alone to go anywhere.

    I know I need to get my priorities straight but I've set my heart on those two things. I plan to get each of them by the end of this year and by the middle of next year. I also plan to get a designer bag for my mum but I haven't decided on what bag to get for her.

PS I'm not into Valentino as much as I'm into Versace but if this Valentino bag is within my price range, I'd definitely put it before the Versace Repeat bag. I mean, just look at the colour. It is majestic.

Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Versace Goddess?

    Aku malas nak cakap banyak malam ni. Aku cuma nak cakap, alhamdulillah, aku dah lepas ujian JPJ. I don't feel like going into the details at the moment. All I can say is, it's been a bittersweet experience for me but I'm glad it's over.

    Anyway, kan hari tu aku baru cakap pasal T-shirt Versace Goddess tu. Guess what? It's on sale. 50% off. Aku rasa macam nak menangis. Kalau aku ada duit, aku dah beli. Aku harap sangat, by the time aku ada duit nanti, size aku akan ada lagi.

Do You Know What It Takes to Be a Versace Goddess?

    I'll get straight to the point. I'm not sure if I've said this before but I used to think designer T-shirt is a waste of money but this Versace Goddess T-shirt is an exception .I've been obsessed with it. It's grungy and oversized. I imagine wearing it with a pair of jeans in light blue and a pair of boots in black (wearing it with the Versace Repeat bag in purple is a plus!). The good thing is, Versace is written in the front and the back of the T-shirt so everyone will know it's Versace. The bad thing is, the price. It's RM3,700, for a T-shirt. That's beyond unacceptable. Even if it's on sale, it's gonna be like, RM1,000+++, maybe nearly RM2,000 which is way too much for a T-shirt but at least, it's a little bit more palatable, I guess but even then, would my size still be available? I don't know if I'd ever get this T-shirt but I'm gonna start saving my money and I'm gonna keep tabs on it.

    Speaking of Versace, I still haven't got over those Versace Medusa boots. The reason is, I haven't found any boots better than those and coincidentally, there's one pair left on SSENSE but they're not in my size. The other day, I had an idea, like, what don't I buy them (when I have lotsa money, of course)? They've been sitting there for years, so maybe they're meant for me. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna wear them so it doesn't really matter they're not in my size, I'm just gonna keep them as a trophy but of course, I wish they were in my size, in case I change my mind about not wearing them later on. I'm not sure. We'll see, if they'd still be there when I have lotsa money, only if I would, then I guess they really are meant for me or maybe a better pair would be released.

PS I know I haven't updated this blog for quite sometime. There's a lot of things going on in my life and I wish I could write them down here but I don't know why, I just don't have the motivation to do so.

I Don't Wanna Be with Anyone Else, I Just Wanna Be with You

    Aku dah lama tak update blog ni so hopefully malam ni aku boleh bagi update sebanyak yang mungkin sebelum aku tinggal blog ni lagi.

    So, aku sampai rumah aku hari Sabtu minggu lepas. Kitaorang boleh balik awal untuk hari raya. Of course, first things first, bila aku sampai, aku terus check baju - baju yang aku beli masa aku tak ada dekat rumah.

    First of all, baju raya aku (Mango). Hmm, to be completely honest, it doesn't look as good as it does in the pictures and I'm disappointed. Aku lagi kecewa bila aku jumpa ada baju lain yang lagi elok tapi harga sama.

    Second of all, baju Pull & Bear. Yang ni, aku tak ada apa nak cakap sangat except I like it, it's nice and simple.

    Third of all, baju Diesel. This is easily one of the best purchases I've ever made (also, the priciest top I've ever bought). Every time I look at it, I'm glad I got it. The green is more vibrant than it is in the pictures and the quality is nice. However, there are like three snagged threads in the yoke which disappoint me a bit but I love it so much I'm gonna keep it anyway. I hope no more threads will get snagged in the future.

    Also, guess what? Aku dah beli jeans Mango tu. Aku nak beli denim jacket H&M tu tapi mak aku suruh beli jeans tu.

    Aku juga ada beli satu T-shirt Superdry ni because it's on sale and I love the colour and the logo.

    Anyway, enough about clothes. Now let's move on to my dating life. I don't know how to start tapi awal bulan ni kot (aku tak berapa ingat), aku install satu dating app ni sebab aku dah penat tunggu for the knight in shining to come to rescue me so aku nak cari kesatria tu sendiri. Surprisingly, ramai jugalah orang mesej aku. Ada yang aku layan, ada yang aku tak layan sebab aku tak boleh layan semua.

    I secretly (aku tak bagi tahu family aku dan kawan - kawan aku) went out on a date with four guys tapi semua tak menjadi. Adalah sebab - sebabnya macam tak ada attraction, perangai annoying tapi aku malas nak go into details. Ada yang aku chat panjang - panjang tapi tak jadi apa pun and thankfully so because again, aku tak tertarik.

    Aku mula jadi frustrated. Aku ada terfikir nak delete app tu but for some reason, aku biarkan. Ada satu hari tu, masa aku keluar dengan kawan - kawan aku, aku saja buka app tu dan aku nampak satu profile ni. Dia tak adalah hot macam lelaki ni tapikan aku suka lelaki yang geeky dan berisi.

    App tu cuma bagi kau mesej orang dalam kawasan kau saja so kalau orang tu ada dekat luar kawasan kau walaupun beberapa meter saja, kau kena upgrade to premium account dan fee dia mahal. Aku bertekad nak cari lelaki tu. Nasib baiklah app tu ada feature kau boleh explore tempat lain dan aku jumpa lelaki tu. Aku terus mesej dia. Aku tak tahulah dia akan reply ke tak.

    To my surprise, lepas tu, dia reply. Kitaorang pun chat sebelum kitaorang sambung chat dekat Telegram. Ada satu malam tu, dia nak jumpa aku. Aku pun okay sajalah. Dia sampai, aku tak dapat bad vibes. Kitaorang lepak dan makin lama kitaorang, makin tertarik aku dengan dia. Dia soft-spoken, well-mannered, kind, funny, caring dan dia sama umur dengan Shorty. In fact, dia ambil course yang sama dengan Shorty dan kerja yang sama. It's like, we're meant to be together.

    We had chemistry more than science fair and I hadn't felt that way for a long time. That night was one of the best nights in my life. I didn't want it to end, I wanted it to go on for eternity but the sun was rising and we had to part ways. Aku nak pergi kelas, dia nak pergi kerja and yes, kitaorang lepak sampai pagi. Lepas dia pergi, hari tu, aku asyik terfikir pasal dia. I kept smelling his fragrance too.

    Aku mesej dia tapi dia macam tak nak balas. Aku fikir, mungkin dia penat kot. Sebelum aku balik sini, aku ada mesej dia tapi ada mesej dia balas pendek saja, ada mesej dia tak balas langsung. Aku dah rasa tak sedap hati. Bila aku sampai, aku mesej dia tapi dia tak balas langsung. Aku tengok dia online.

    Aku mengaku aku desperate so aku mesej dia sampai dia balas. Dia cakap, the reason dia tak balas, at the moment, dia tak nak be in a relationship. To be completely honest, I have my suspicion sebab setahu aku, manusia ni, bila dia jumpa orang yang dia suka, dia katalah dia tak nak be in a relationship ke apa, dia punya rationality goes out of the window tapi aku tak nak paksa dia, so, aku macam, fine, let's be friends and let's see where this is gonna take us dan dia pun setuju.

    Kitaorang sambung sembang balik macam biasa tapi aku asyik risau dia akan block aku atau menghilangkan diri ke apa. I really like him and I really want this to work. Hari ni, aku mesej dia, dia macam tak nak balas pula and I'm annoyed. Aku ada rasa macam dia suka aku tapi dia tak nak mengaku and he's playing hard to get. Aku tak faham, kalau kau suka aku, act like it, tak perlu acah - acah macam kau tak berminat dengan aku. Lepas tu, kalau aku tinggal kau, kau akan buat macam aku tak betul - betul sayangkan kau.

    Entahlah. I'm tired of this game and I'm tired of having to look for someone. I don't wanna be with anyone else, I just wanna be with you. Please don't fail me.

Mini Wishlist

    Aku dah lama tak update blog ni. Dulu, kadang - kadang, aku post dua posts dalam satu hari tapi sekarang, aku tak tahu kenapa tapi aku malas, tak bermaya, tak bersemangat. Ni aku nak tulis pun pasal wishlist aku saja sebelum aku tidur.

    So, semalam, aku saja browse website Converse. Aku tak ada high expectations pun sebab dah lama Converse tak ada release kasut yang aku minat tapi aku jumpa satu kasut ni.

    Okay, hear me out. I know it looks similar to the one in Virtual Matcha but this is in Bold Wasabi and I've seen it, the latter's more vibrant than the former. Also, this a platform shoe.

    Moving on, aku tak adalah crazy sangat pun pasal COS sweater ni but you know I'm a sucker for all things green.

    Okay, I've already got lotsa hoodies but the colour of this Mango hoodie is so pretty.

    Dulu, aku ada sepasang blue jeans with a green tint tapi aku pun tak tahulah mana jeans tu pergi dan aku dah lama cari jeans macam tu tapi payah nak jumpa jeans macam tu. So, bila aku jumpa Mango jeans ni, I was like, need~~~

    Dalam gambar ni tak nampak sangat green tint tu tapi bila model pakai, baru nampak.

    Last but not least, this Terranova mesh T-shirt.

    Okay, I'm in my purple era and I'm getting into this colour. Can you imagine wearing this T-shirt with that purple Versace Repeat bag? Oh my God. I will kill it.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak tidur. Goodnight.

PS Aku beli T-shirt Pull & Bear ni. This is the first thing I got from Pull & Bear. I plan to wear it with my pair of River Island skinny jeans in light blue and Dr Martens Molly boots in black.

A Short Update

    Aku tak tahu kenapa aku penat (malas) nak mampus hari ni. Nak kata aku buat banyak kerja, tak adalah banyak pun. Adakah sebab weekend? Maybe. Anyway, sebelum aku tidur, aku ada benda nak cakap sikit.

    So, mak aku dan abang ketiga aku dah balik rumah and I'm homesick. I wish my mum could stay here so I could hug her all the time, bagi semangat dekat aku nak habiskan studies aku. Semalam, aku bermalam dekat rumah abang aku yang kedua and it felt good to spend time with my family.

    Siang tadi, sebelum abang aku yang kedua tu hantar aku balik campus, kitaorang pergi satu shopping centre ni, beli barang keperluan sikit. Okay, masa kitaorang pergi shopping centre tu, I saw some cuties dan aku jadi sedih because nothing happened and I'm so lonely and I'm getting frustrated. Kenapa orang lain boleh dapat pasangan tapi aku tak boleh? It's been years and I'm tired of being single and I don't know what to do. I just want someone to talk to, to hold, to love

    Lepas tu, abang aku hantar aku balik campus. Aku masuk bilik, aku terus tidur sebab aku mengantuk nak mampus. Aku bangun, dah nak dekat pukul 6.

    By the way, alhamdulillah, baju Diesel tu dah sampai. Aku tak sabar nak balik rumah, nak tengok dan pakai baju tu. Tinggal dua minggu lagi sebelum aku boleh balik.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak tidur. Goodnight.

PS Aku tak banyak update sebab aku sibuk nak adjust dekat sini.

Aqua Green

    Okay, aku mengantuk dan penat gila nak mampus sebab aku pindah masuk bilik aku hari ni so aku kena angkut banyak barang lepas tu aku kena unpack barang aku dan kemas bilik aku tapi nasib baiklah kelas esok tengahari. Sebelum aku tidur, aku ada benda nak cakap sikit.

    So, semalam, sebelum aku tidur, aku beli baju raya sebab mak aku suruh dan aku beli baju ni.

    Aku prefer baju lengan panjang dengan standing collar tapi aku tertarik dengan baju ni sebab warna dia. Bagi aku, warna dia refreshing dan aku tak ada lagi baju warna ni. 

    Dah alang - alang tengah shopping, I was like, apa kata aku beli baju Diesel tu sekali? So, aku belilah. Yes! Aku dah beli baju Diesel tu! I'm so excited but I'm kinda nervous at the same time selagi baju tu tak sampai lagi. I hope everything's gonna be okay.

    Anyway, I slept late last night because I was talking to Duck and he gave me some advice and support which mean a lot to me, especially coming from him. Pagi tadi, aku bangun, aku bersiap lepas tu aku pergi ambil barang - barang aku dekat rumah kawan aku. It was nice to see her, can't wait to go out with her again.

    Sebelum kitaorang bertolak, kitaorang stop by dekat Tesco kejap, nak beli barang keperluan. Saw some cuties, lol.

    Lepas tu, kitaorang baru bertolak. I must admit, I wasn't thrilled about going back to campus this time. I felt like I was being dragged to this godforsaken place but I acted cool because I didn't want to worry my family.

    Kitaorang sampai, aku masuk bilik aku dulu. Roommate aku dah ada. We talked a bit. So far, dia okay dan aku harap dia okay lah for the rest of the semester because I don't wanna have something else to deal with, I've already got a lot to deal with, okay?

    Lepas aku angkut semua barang aku, family aku bertolak balik and I started working right away tapi aku buat separuh saja sebab aku penat dan mengantuk so aku tidur dulu. Sebelum iftar tadi, I did the other half and now I'm done.

    Tadi, lepas aku solat Isyak, aku saja pergi blok Tally. Aku tahu bilik dia dekat mana so aku lalu depan bilik dia. Kasut dia tak ada tapi lampu bilik dia terbuka. Aku pun tak tahulah dia ada ke tak dekat bilik ke roommate dia.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak pergi gosok gigi. Goodnight.

PS I'm not excited at all about this semester tapi aku diam saja.

Glad but a Bit Disappointed

    So, aku sampai rumah abang aku petang semalam. Kalau ikut plan, malam ni aku dah bermalam dekat kolej tapi atas sebab tertentu, malam ni aku bermalam satu malam lagi dekat rumah abang aku tapi siang tadi aku dah check in lah dan esok aku baru bawa barang dan pindah masuk bilik aku.

    Anyway, aku sampai lewat tadi so aku agak terkejut orang masih ramai. Mula - mula, aku tak tahu nak pergi mana dan buat apa so aku tanya seorang staff ni dan dia suruh aku tengok name list. Aku pun tengoklah dan aku ternampak satu nama: Tally.

    Aku tengok dia duduk dekat blok mana. Dia dapat blok lain. Also, his roommate is someone I know. I must admit, walaupun perasaan aku dekat dia dah tak sekuat dulu, aku masih rasa kecewa dan jealous. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.

    Aku pun dapat blok lain. Aku agak kecewa aku tak dapat blok semester lepas sebab aku suka blok tu dan semester ni aku dapat bilik dekat basement so bilik tu agak gelap. Yang aku bersyukur, aku tak dapat satu blok dan bilik dengan seekor setan ni.

    Yang peliknya, masa aku tengok name list tu, aku tak ada roommate. Aku pun tak tahulah dia akan masuk kemudian ke macam mana. Aku cuma harap dia baik, sopan, respectful, tak bising, tak merokok dan tak bawa kawan dia balik bilik.

Trust Your Instinct

    Aku tak ada apa nak cakap sangat malam ni. Aku cuma nak bagi tahu aku akan bertolak balik sana esok pagi dan aku tak pack lagi barang - barang aku dan aku ada banyak nak kena buat. Entah kenapa aku tak bermaya and I've been like this more than a month now. Aku tak ada semangat but I need to complete my studies, tinggal satu semester saja lagi. To be completely honest, I can't believe I've made it this far. Masa first semester dulu, aku ingat aku takkan boleh bertahan tak sampai satu semester but I didn't have any other options so aku teruskan juga. It's been a rollercoaster ride. Not an entertaining one though. I've just been wanting it to stop so I could get out of it.

    One of the biggest lessons I've learnt here is, trust your instinct, seriously. If you get bad vibes from someone, run for your life. It's not you being cynical, there's probably a good reason you feel that way and in time, you'll see why. I made the mistake of not trusting my guts, I kept blaming myself for being cynical and I had to pay the price. Big price. The people I've been getting bad vibes from but I ignored the red flags and made friends with them anyway? They've turned out to be really bad and I really, really, really regret for ignoring the signs.

    Wanna know how to identify a bad person? First of all, look at their faces. Hati gelap, hati busuk, hati jahat akan terpancar dekat muka diaorang, no jokes. Their faces make you feel uneasy, tak buat kau rasa sejuk hati. Kau mungkin akan fikir, 'ish, judgemental nya aku ni, berprasangka buruk.' No, henny, it's God telling you through your moral compass. Lepas tu, tengok cara diaorang behave. Kalau diaorang suka mengata orang, well, they probably talk behind your back too. Also, orang jahat ni, are typically narcissistic. They love being the centre of attention, they love talking about themselves dan bila kau cakap pasal diri kau ke apa, anything but them, they'll turn the conversation and make it about themselves. They love making everything about themselves.

    Last but not least, kau takkan rasa fulfilled bila kau berkawan dengan diaorang. Kau akan rasa empty dan lonely. Kau mungkin akan tertanya - tanya kenapa kau masih rasa macam tu even though you're surrounded by "friends", you might even blame yourself like me, like, is there something wrong me? Aku ni terlalu memilih kawan ke? Aku tak bersyukur ke? Apa yang aku nak sebenarnya? I wish I'd known what I know now and that is, it's not you, it's them. Let me tell you something. When you spend time with good people, people who sincerely wanna be friends with you, you won't feel exhausted, you'll feel energised. You'll feel heard, like you exist because they listen to you.

    So, siapa - siapa nak masuk university atau dah dekat university, stop wasting your time on bad people and go and make friends with good people. I know it's easier said than done dan payah nak jumpa kawan yang baik but it's better to leave bad people before you get left by them and I'd rather be alone than keeping bad company, at least you don't have to deal with their bullcrap dan rugi dan tenaga saja dengan orang macam ni sebab in the end, they'll always stab your back and don't even bother trying to change them, they won't, trust me. Kalau dah hati busuk, sampai mati pun hati busuk lagi.

PS Tadi aku pergi Tesco (Lotus's) and I saw two cuties. They're my type, you know, nerdy, pakai spek, tak tinggi sangat, tak kecil sangat, tak besar sangat, tak kurus sangat. Nothing happened, we just made eye contact and went about our days but it's good to know there are attractive people in this godforsaken place. I wish I could talk to them though.

Feeling Blessed

    Aku tak tahu kenapa tiba - tiba tangan aku cramp malam ni dan aku benci bila aku cramp sebab aku rasa macam tak boleh buat apa - apa, nak tidur pun tak senang.

    Anyway, result keluar pagi tadi. Aku ingat result keluar malam tadi so aku pun tunggulah sampai pukul 12 depan laptop aku tapi bila aku check, tak ada pun. Aku tahu pun lepas aku tanya classmates aku. So, aku pun, tunggu apa lagi, aku terus masuk bilik tidur tapi aku tak boleh tidur sampai pukul empat atau lima entah sebab aku nervous gila nak mampus.

    Aku bangun, first thing first, aku terus check. Berdebar tu tak payah cakaplah, aku dah cuak aku akan fail satu subject ni because of that incident. Alhamdulillah, aku lulus semua subjects. Ada satu subject tu grade rendah so CGPA pun aku turun tapi aku tak terkejut pun sebab subject tu payah gila nak mampus dan aku lemah subject tu, aku tak faham apa yang aku belajar. Nevertheless, aku bersyukur CGPA aku masih okay dan aku rasa lebih bersemangat nak sambung next semester.

    Aku ada banyak benda nak kena buat esok, sebelum aku nak kena balik sana hari Jumaat ni dan aku harap aku sempatlah settle semua benda tu. Aku tak nak aku balik sana dan benda - benda ni tak settle lagi sebab once aku sampai sana, aku nak kena deal dengan macam - macam benda lain pula.

Petty & Shallow

    Sekarang dah pukul 12 lebih dan aku tak tidur lagi. Aku bukan tak nak tidur tapi ada banyak benda bermain dalam fikiran aku.

    Hari ni, aku kena lalui ujian QTI tu dan aku punya gelabah (mungkin sebab aku study last minute) sampai aku tak boleh berapa tidur semalam so aku bangun lewat jugalah pagi tadi tapi nasib baiklah aku sampai awal. Thank God, hari ni aku dapat cikgu lain dan cikgu ni baik, tak macam cikgu hari tu dan alhamdulillah, aku lepas. Sekarang tinggal ujian JPJ saja lagi dan kalau aku dapat lesen P, aku takkan percaya because I didn't think I'd get through this.

    Mula - mula, aku agak syok tapi lepas tu, aku baru teringat, result semester ni keluar malam esok. Aku jadi gelabah balik. Aku tak tahu malam esok aku boleh tidur ke tak walaupun kemungkinan besar website akan crash sebab ramai orang nak tengok result diaorang so aku plan nak tidur dulu dan keesokan pagi aku baru tengok result aku.

    Ya Allah, aku tahu aku telah melakukan banyak dosa tapi tolonglah hambaMu ini, aku sangat memerlukan bantuanMu dan hanya Kau saja yang boleh membantuku.

    By the way, ada satu benda yang annoy aku. Tally tak approve request aku nak follow dia dekat Instagram lagi sampai sekarang dan aku tengok dia online saja dekat LinkedIn. Aku jadi menyampah dengan dia. Lepas tu, ada seorang lelaki ni, handsome so aku request nak follow dia. Aku tengok aku kena request sekali lagi. Aku ingat aku lupa nak tekan ke apa so aku request sekali lagi and again, aku tengok aku kena request sekali lagi. Kiranya, dia decline wei request aku. Nak kata kau seorang yang private, follower kau sampai 600+ tapi aku nak follow kau, kau reject kau.

    Ni lah antara benda - benda yang buat aku benci pasal Instagram. It brings out the worst in people. People on Instagram can be so petty and shallow. Tak ramai orang nak mengaku pasal ni tapi semua kisah pasal follower-following ratio diaorang. Semua nak nampak followers diaorang lebih ramai daripada following diaorang, nak nampak macam diaorang popular sebab kalau following lebih sikit daripada followers, tak cool lah. Tu tak termasuk lagi kawan sendiri tak follow balik kau which clearly shows your "friend" isn't interested in you.

    Aku menyesal juga buat Instagram sebab dia bagi aku unnecessary stress tapi mungkin ada hikmahnya yang aku tak nampak lagi buat masa sekarang.

Strong Current Under the Calm Water

    Esok, aku ada QTI, Rabu minggu depan, result semester ni keluar dan Jumaat minggu depan, aku bertolak balik sana dan aku tak study lagi untuk QTI, aku tak tahu result aku semester ni nak jadi macam mana, aku takut gila dan aku tak bersedia nak balik sana lagi. Allah saja yang tahu betapa stressed out nya aku. Ya Allah, tolonglah hambaMu ini.

    Siang tadi, abang aku belanja aku buat manicure. Alhamdulillah, semua staff situ baik dan sekarang kuku aku berkilat. Lepas tu, abang aku seorang lagi bagi aku duit raya. Sebenarnya, aku dah ada cukup duit nak beli baju Diesel tu tapi sekarang tak ada sale lagi dan aku rasa macam tak berbaloi bayar mahal - mahal untuk baju tu. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak saja beli baju tu sekarang tapi aku rasa, for now, aku simpan dulu duit aku, mungkin aku nak kena guna duit tu untuk benda lain.

PS Aku jadi makin tak ada hati dekat Tally. Aku request nak follow dia dekat Instagram tapi dia tak approve aku pun. Aku follow kawan dia, kawan dia request nak follow aku balik padahal kawan dia lagi popular dan hot (tapi bukan type aku) daripada dia.

Lepas tu, ada satu malam tu, aku chat dengan seorang lelaki ni. Aku ingat kitaorang get along tapi lepas tu, dia stop chatting dengan aku. Aku ingatkan dia disconnected ke apa tapi rupa - rupanya, dia block aku. Sedih.

Jangan Jadi Kampung Sangat, Boleh Tak?

    Aku tak ada apa sangat nak cakap malam ni cuma aku nak recap sikit apa aku buat hari ni.

    So, macam aku cakap semalam, hari ni, aku pergi hospital. Alhamdulillah, everyone was nice to me. Aku puas hati dengan service dekat hospital ni (obviously, ni bukan hospital kerajaan, lol). Bagi aku, berbaloi aku bayar beratus pun.

    Lepas tu, abang aku bawa aku dan mak aku pergi makan dekat satu shopping centre ni. Okay, hari ni, aku pakai Mango houndstooth shirt in black and white, Topman skinny jeans in black dan Dr Martens Molly boots in black. Aku memang dah lama nak pakai baju Mango tu tapi tak ada peluang so when I saw the opportunity, of course I took it.

    Yang buat aku agak annoyed hari ni, masa kitaorang pergi makan dekat shopping centre tu, orang pakat pandang aku. Aku bukan annoyed sebab diaorang pandang aku, nak pandang, pandanglah, I know I look good and I know I'm one of the best dressed in this town and I'm comfortable in my own skin tapi yang buat aku annoyed bila dah pandang aku lepas tu jeling dekat aku. Okay, aku tahulah you wanna look like me tapi kau tak mampu, kau mampu jeling sajalah.

    Lepas tu, mak aku nak pergi tandas. Aku pun temanlah dia. Masa aku tunggu dekat luar, ada seorang perempuan ni langgar beg aku. Aku macam, ??? Jalan punya besar, nak kena langgar beg aku juga? Motif sangat. Dengki sangat. I swear to God, orang sini, they are capable of doing harm to you semata - mata sebab you dress better than them, I'm dead serious, I'm not joking. Nasib baiklah bukan beg Versace ke apa but I still love that bag. Lepas tu, ada seorang perempuan ni, dia pun tengah tunggu juga dan dia pandang slack gila dekat aku, macam aku ada hutang dengan dia, lol.

    I don't care orang nak kecam aku ke apa tapi ni lah perangai orang kampung dan sebab ni lah aku benci orang kampung. Diaorang tak boleh tengok orang lain lebih daripada diaorang and they're so insecure. Masa aku duduk dekat sana, tak ada pula orang buat perangai macam ni. Orang sana mind their own business. I'm not saying orang sana lebih baik daripada orang sini, orang sana pun ada juga perangai annoying tapi aku tak boleh tahan dengan orang berhati busuk. Dulu, aku pun grew up in poverty dan aku pun nak apa orang lain ada yang aku tak ada tapi aku tak pernah pula tak puas hati tengok orang lain lebih senang daripada aku. Instead, I promised myself I'll work hard so I'd have a better life.

PS I know I sound angry in this post but I'm not, I'm okay, I'm just annoyed.

Bitch

    Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur because it's already late dan esok aku nak kena pergi hospital tapi aku nak cakap pasal satu benda sebelum aku tidur.

    So, semalam, masa aku buka Instagram, aku tengok Tally buat account dia public. Aku terkejutlah sebab sebelum ni, account dia private. Aku pun tunggu apa lagi, aku terus download lah gambar - gambar dia, hahaha. Tak banyak pun gambar dia. Lepas tu, aku dapat satu idea. Apa kata aku buat fake account dan aku follow dia so nanti bila dia buat account dia private balik, aku boleh terus stalk dia.

    Aku pun buat lah satu fake account tapi aku tak guna gambar orang lain ye, aku guna gambar yang aku ambil sendiri tapi aku tak tunjuklah muka aku lepas tu aku follow dia. Aku adalah follow beberapa orang artis nak bagi account tu nampak legit.

    Pagi tadi, aku bangun, aku check lah dia dah buat account dia private balik ke belum. Guess what? Dia remove aku wei. I was like, 'bitch.' He's so petty, man. To be completely honest, aku dah tak berapa ada hati dekat dia pun sebab aku ada jumpa orang lain lagi elok dekat LinkedIn dan bila dia buat macam ni, makin kurang perasaan aku dekat dia tapi aku saja buat account lain dan kali ni aku tunjuk muka aku. Aku nak tengok dia nak approve dan follow aku balik ke tak. Kalau tak, I'm done with his ass.

Every Day I Try to Look My Best Even Though Inside I'm Such a Mess

    Tinggal seminggu lebih saja lagi sebelum result semester ni keluar which is nerve-racking because I don't know how I fared this semester dan aku kena balik campus. Not to mention, 20/03 ni aku ada QTI so aku kena study. To make matters worse, aku tak buat lagi CV untuk application internship. I'm a mess and my life's a wreck. I wish I had another month of break or better yet, I wish the time would stop because I haven't fully recovered from this semester, I'm still drained and dealing with the aftermath of my mental breakdown. I wish I could rest until I'm ready to face the world again but that's not possible so I need to get myself together in a short span of time and I don't know how I'm gonna do it.

    On a positive note, yesterday, my brother took me out and my mum for lunch so of course I saw the opportunity to wear the H&M oversized mesh T-shirt in pink I bought the last time I went out with my friends and I took it. I wore it with my River Island skinny jeans in light blue and Dr Martens Molly boots in black. It is easily one of my top looks and it felt good to dress up after a while. Some kids glared at me and gave me the side-eye which I found amusing because they tried so hard to look unbothered like they're cooler than me so they don't care about me but they were clearly bothered, lol.

     Anyway, I ran into my old co-worker and to my surprise, we had a rather lovely conversation. He asked me how I'm doing and I asked him the same question. He's married and he's got a child and he's buffed up. I think he wanted to talk more because there was a moment of silence and he was just staring at me but his wife was waiting for him and I didn't wanna keep her waiting so I said bye. I guess he was surprised to see me well alive and obviously, I've changed and I look different now.

I Miss You

    Aku ada banyak benda nak cakap tapi aku malas nak tulis malam ni so aku akan tulis pasal satu benda saja sebelum aku lupa pasal benda ni.

     So, semalam, aku mimpi pasal Nick. It was a weird dream. Aku dan keluarga aku menginap dekat satu hotel ni dan ada kitaorang saja dekat situ dan Nick macam housekeeper hotel tu. Then, I found out Nick had been spying on us so aku mengamuklah dekat dia. The next morning, aku lalu depan bilik dia. Pintu bilik dia terbuka dan aku nampak dia tengah tidur. Aku rasa bersalah so aku minta maaf dekat dia dan dia pun minta maaf dekat aku. Aku dah tak berapa ingat tapi yang aku ingat, aku ada mesej dia dan dia balas. Lepas tu, aku terbangun.

    Entahlah tapi bila aku bangun, aku rasa sedih. I wish it was real, I wish we were still talking. I know he's married and if it's true, I should respect his marriage. Not that I've been trying to reach out to him, dia pun dah lama tak online, mungkin dia pun dah berubah. Like I said, the last time I talked to him, I felt like I was talking to a different person, it wasn't the same person I used to talk to any more but at the same time, I admit I've still got feelings for him. I miss him, I miss the time when we used to chat for hours. I wish I could go back to that time, I wish things were different.

I'm Free (For Now)

    Okay, so, hari ni hari terakhir kelas memandu aku and I feel so free. In fact, aku lebih rasa bebas daripada masa semester ni habis tapi aku masih ada QTI dan ujian JPJ but I wanna savour the moment while I can (like I said in the previous post, I've got lotsa things to do), I wanna party so hard tonight.

    By the way, I met some cuties again but expectedly, nothing happened. Aku cuma nak cerita pasal seorang ni. Ada satu pagi tu, ramai jugalah orang berkumpul dekat satu tempat tunggu ni. Masa aku tengah tunggu, tiba - tiba, ada seorang lelaki ni datang. Dia agak macam Tally tapi Tally lagi eloklah dan dalam banyak - banyak tempat, dia duduk sebelah aku. Mungkinlah dia duduk saja dekat mana - mana seat kosong. Aku ingat nak sembang dengan dia tapi tak lama lepas tu, dia belah.

    Aku rasa aku ada terserempak dengan dia lagi tapi masa tu, aku tengah drive.

    Anyway, okay lah, I'm gonna have fun.

The Hills over the Paddy Field

    I've been wanting to write but I've been unable to because I've been stressed out lately, my life's been in shambles and I've got lotsa things to do before I go back to campus.

    I've been going to driving class and it's been unenjoyable. Good for whoever enjoy or enjoyed their driving class but unfortunately for me, I find no joy in it.

     One thing that cheered me up a little bit is I met some people who made me go, 'mm.' Not as in they made me think but as in I thought they're sorta cute. They reminded me of Shorty. It's unlikely anything would happen though but it's good to know there are people who I find attractive in this godforsaken place. If only I could be friends with them, that'd make my life better.

PS I've been missing Nick, Shorty and Tally lately.

Who the Hell is Gloria Jean?

    I'm back, you wench.

    So, lately, aku tak berapa pasti kenapa aku asyik tidur, aku nak blog, main video game dan tak termasuk lagi benda - benda yang aku nak kena settle sebelum aku balik campus hujung bulan ni but it's like, I've been avoiding something. Mungkin masih ada residual trauma.

    Anyway, pagi tadi, aku pergi jumpa psychiatrist aku. Alhamdulillah, everything went well today, everyone was nice to me. Lepas tu, aku pergi makan dekat Gloria Jean's Coffee dengan mak aku sebelum kitaorang balik rumah.

    Okay, aku ada beberapa benda nak cakap.

    First of all, harga baju Diesel tu turun sikit and at the moment, aku tak ada duit so aku harap sangat saiz aku akan masih ada stock bila aku ada duit nanti.

    Second of all, aku masih tak boleh move on daripada boots Versace tu. I've been looking for a similar pair but I haven't found any that looks as good as them dan aku memang nak a pair of Versace black patent combat boots, aku tak nak jenama lain, warna lain, jenis leather lain atau jenis boots lain so I guess I'd have to wait for them to release one again. Aku harap sangat aku akan jumpa boots yang lebih elok daripada boots tu walaupun boots tu dah elok.

    Third of all, I think I'm falling in love with the Versace bag. I can't stop thinking about it lately. Aku tak tahulah if I'd ever get to buy it sebab kalau harga dia turun pun, nak dekat RM4,000 woi.

    Last but not least, I know I've been going back and forth about this tapi sekarang, aku rasa macam Tally ada perasaan dekat aku pula sebab bila aku fikir balik, dia banyak kali pandang aku and the way he stared at me, I mean, kalau dia tak ada perasaan dekat aku, kenapa dia pandang aku? Macam tu? Kalau aku tak suka someone, aku takkan pandang dia langsung. Cuma, aku rasa Tally pemalu so sebab tu bila aku tegur dia, dia jadi macam clueless but at the same time, aku tak nak push dia sampai dia avoid aku pula.

Why Won't You

    So, aku dah potong rambut hari ni dddaaannn hairstylist aku terpotong rambut aku a bit too short, lol, tapi aku tak marah pun sebab dia baik gila dengan aku cuma sebelum dia trim rambut aku, rambut aku dah nampak okay tapi lepas dia trim rambut aku, rambut aku terus nampak buruk, lol.

    Anyway, aku makin rasa macam Tally tak tertarik dengan aku. Mungkinlah ada sesetengah orang akan macam, 'kau baru nak tahu?' I admit it, I wanted to believe he's into me and I still do tapi lama - lama, reality starts to sink in. It's sad but there's nothing I can do about it. Dah dia tak ada hati dekat aku, bukan aku boleh buat dia suka aku. Aku cuma harap, aku akan jumpa someone better than him even though he's already like one of the best, physically.

PS Tadi aku ada tengok satu vlog ni dan tiba - tiba, aku berangan satu hari nanti, aku pergi melancong dekat luar negara pakai barang designer. Bestnya~~~

I Wish I Could Tell the Whole World

    Malam ni, aku tak ada apa nak cerita sangat pun cuma hari ni, aku potong kuku dan shave. Now, I feel like a new person. Esok, aku nak potong rambut pula. Aku tak nak sangat pun sebab rambut aku bukan panjang sangat pun tapi atas sebab tertentu, aku kena juga.

     Anyway, semalam, aku saja post kerja aku dekat LinkedIn dddaaannn Tally tak like pun, lol, sedangkan hari tu dia post, aku orang pertama yang like kot. Aku tak tahulah dia tak nak tunjuk yang dia tertarik dengan aku ke dia memang tak tertarik dengan aku.

Rest While I Can

    Sebenarnya, aku sampai rumah aku dua hari lepas tapi aku tak pasti kenapa, aku asyik tidur sejak aku balik sini, mungkin sebab aku penat teramat. Anyway, I still can't believe it's finally over. Aku ingat lagi masa aku nak keluar dari bilik aku, aku termenung sejenak. Aku pandang sekeliling dan aku bisik, 'goodbye.' Macam - macamlah terjadi malam tu tapi nantilah aku cerita kalau aku ada mood.

     I know it's not really over yet and I have a long way to go: another semester, FYP and internship. To be completely honest, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this tapi aku tak nak fikir lagi buat masa sekarang. Aku nak rehat sementara aku boleh rehat.

    Saving aku dah habis dan aku harap sangat takkan ada sale lagi for now sebab aku nak sangat baju Diesel tu.

PS Tally letak muka dia sebagai profile picture dia dekat Instagram and he looks so cute and dreamy. Also, aku jumpa satu denim jacket warna ungu ni dekat H&M and it's so cute. Kalau aku ada banyak duit, aku dah beli jacket ni.

The End of the Fifth Semester

    It's three past three in the morning and I'm still awake. I'm actually sleepy but I wanna write something before I go to bed.

    Aku ada dekat campus sekarang, ambil barang - barang aku. Aku sampai dua hari lepas. Aku siapkan assignment aku, aku keluar dengan kawan - kawan lama aku, aku letak barang - barang aku dekat rumah kawan lama aku, aku bermalam dekat rumah dia semalam, aku balik sini balik. Inshallah, hari ni, aku balik rumah aku.

    To be completely honest, masa aku nak datang sini balik, aku berat hati sebab aku ada bad memories dengan beberapa ekor malaun dekat sini tapi alhamdulillah, lepas aku keluar dengan kawan - kawan lama aku, I felt better. Plus, masa aku keluar dengan diaorang, aku ada beli satu baju H&M ni and I love it! Tinggal satu saja lagi, saiz aku pula tu, macam memang untuk aku. At first, I wasn't sure nak beli ke tak sebab aku nak simpan duit untuk baju Diesel tu but thank God, tak menyesal aku. It looks cuter in person than in picture.

    Cakap pasal fashion ni, aku ada tengok satu beg Versace ni masa fashion show dia hujung tahun lepas kot. Mula - mula, aku macam, buruknya beg ni tapi lama - lama, aku jadi tertarik dengan beg ni. There's something about it that's weird but in a good way. It's intriguing. Kalau aku ada banyak duit, aku mungkin dah beli beg ni.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak tidur. Esok aku nak kena pack barang - barang aku dan uruskan beberapa hal sebelum aku balik rumah aku.

Wait for Me

    Aku tinggal lagi tiga assignments nak kena siapkan untuk semester ni tapi ya ampun, aku malas gila nak mampus. End of semester syndrome sangat. Aku dah dalam mood bercuti dan aku tak sabar nak berehat sepuas - puasnya. Ada macam - macam benda aku nak buat cuti semester ni. Aku tak tahulah macam mana aku nak siapkan semua assignments ni sebelum deadline dia which is Khamis minggu depan.

    Anyway, I've still been eyeing that Diesel mesh top. I can't get it out of my head. All I think of is I'm gonna wear it with a black tank top inside, a pair of light blue jeans and a pair of black combat boots. Damn, I'm gonna kill it. At the moment, tak ada sale ke apa lagi which is a good thing sebab aku pun tengah broke, aku tengah tunggu deposit tu. It's gonna be the priciest piece of clothing I've ever bought so far. Also, what drives me to do the assignments is the top, lol.

I've Never Been So Glad to Be Home

    Tadi, macam biasa, aku keluar, jalan sekeliling halaman rumah aku, ambil udara malam. Ada benda yang trigger aku dan aku jadi sesak nafas. Nasib baiklah malam ni cantik dan cerah so aku boleh tengok bintang - bintang dan aku jadi tenang balik tapi lepas tu, aku jadi sebak pula. Aku rasa lonely dan aku teringat dekat Tally. I really wish he was here.

    

    Ada satu moment yang aku regret asyik bermain dalam fikiran aku baru - baru ni. Ada satu hari tu, mood aku tak berapa baik. Ni sebelum Tally pindah keluar dari block aku. Masa aku masuk block aku, aku terserempak dengan Tally. Dia pakai T-shirt warna beige dan seluar pendek warna hitam. Dia pandang aku, aku pandang dia. Dia pandang aku dengan muka sedih tapi masa tu, muka aku masamlah kot. Aku lepak dekat lounge area, membelakangkan dia dan aku dengar dia basuh tangan dekat singki dekat situ sebelum dia balik bilik dia.

    Entahlah tapi aku menyesal tak senyum dekat dia hari tu. Entah apa yang dia lalui hari tu. Maybe he was having a bad day too. Maybe if I'd smiled to him, I would've brightened up his day and maybe he'd be interested to make friends with me.

    Aku ditawarkan kolej yang sama untuk next semester. To be completely honest, aku agak kecewa sebab aku nak kolej lain but I was told kalau aku decline, aku takkan ada tempat tinggal so nak tak nak, aku kena accept juga. Aku tak tahu aku akan duduk dekat block yang sama ke tak (preferably, aku nak block yang sama sebab aku suka block tu for a number of reasons), siapa roommate aku dan aku akan jumpa Tally ke tak lagi. God, please help me.