Fuck My Life

    Just when I'd thought things couldn't get worse, they did.

    I've been heavily medicated for the past five days and it hasn't really got any better, I'm still groggy most of the time. I had a health scare recently, hence why I've been on medications. I'm supposed to take them for about a month and supposedly, the side effects would get less bad after a week but so far, like I've just said, they don't seem to get much better.

    It sucks because I'm trying to enjoy holidays with my family (I'm back in my hometown for a few days) but I can't, I'm so tired, I just wanna sleep all the time. This whole situation makes me feel sad about my life because I've spent all my savings and now I've gotta live off my mum. It doesn't feel good at all. It feels so shitty. I feel like shit.

    I'd really thought things couldn't get worse but they did. 2025 hasn't been a good year for me. I'm ending it on a bad note but you know what? I don't care. I just wanna start a new chapter and I wish I could start by not having to go back to Kuala Lumpur. I hate it. I wish I could stay here with my mum until I'm ready to face the world again and I wish I could move back to Cyber or Putrajaya or Bangi with her.

    God, I wish time would just stop so I could rest. I'm so tired.

A Moment of Clarity

    It's three o'clock in the morning and I've just had a moment of clarity.

    Yesterday, after I performed my Maghreeb prayer, I had an urge to text someone, to reconnect with this person. If you've read my previous posts, you probably know who this person is: it's my former close friend. I've been struggling since we fell out and I thought of making things right with her before New Year but then, I was encumbered by slumber, as if there was a force that prevented me from doing so.

    I woke up at dead of night. My bedside lamp hadn't been switched off. I sat in my bed, in my dimly-lit room and I just had this thought, an epiphany of some sort: why should I reconnect with this person? Not just her but some other people too.

    When we were friends, when we went out, I'd post stories of us hanging out on Instagram and I'd tag them but they never reposted them. This may sound trivial but it makes me wonder, were they ashamed to be seen with me? Am I not cool enough to them? It's funny because they'd repost other people's stories, just not mine.

    I think, if the core, or the foundation of a friendship is festered by an issue like this, the relationship will eventually and inevitably crumble.

    The other day, I texted our mutual friend, another former close friend of mine, asking her if she'd like to hang out with me because her workplace is so near to my apartment and she never responded. I highly doubt she didn't see the text so I deleted it.

    This moment of clarity feels sorta sad but it feels more relieving, I think, to be able to really see things as they are at last and I wanna put every bad thing behind before New Year. It saddens me how the friendship ended, after going through so much and we had so many good memories. I don't know how things are gonna be next year, but I hope it'll get better, somehow.

PS Do you remember when you posted that story with a song that says, 'you're everything I need?'

In My Imagination, I'm Surrounded by My Friends

    So, it's been two weeks since I moved here and I like it because one, the house is bigger, two, my housemate is rarely home so I get the house all to myself and three, I can cook but I don't really feel comfortable cooking because it's not my house, you know, unless I rent the whole house so I'm not sharing it with anyone and one thing I don't like it is it doesn't have a dryer so every Sunday morning I've gotta go to the laundry bar to do my laundry.

    Anyway, I'm still struggling to cope with the crippling loneliness. I mean, loneliness has always been one of the things I struggle with, it's one of the major themes of my life, but this time, I feel like I'm struggling even more. Maybe it's because I used to do things all by myself and then I met some people and we became friends and we did things together but now I've gotta do things all by myself again and that's what I struggle with. There are no more hangouts to look forward to. If I wanna go to the shopping centre, I've gotta go there, alone.

    So sometimes I imagine I'm surrounded by my friends so I don't feel so alone. It's not like I talk to them, I just picture them in my mind and in my mind, we're still friends and we'll always be so. We'd do things together and we'd always have a good time, just like we used to. This is my coping mechanism, I guess. Imagination. I imagine to escape from the cold reality and the cruel world so life doesn't seem so bleak and hopeless.

    I wonder if I'd ever find good close friends again. I don't like self-pity but I'm scared. What's gonna happen to me? Am I gonna spend the rest of my life like this? Will I ever be truly happy and at peace again? I'm getting older and weaker, I'm not as strong as I used to be. I used to brave and adventurous and fearless but now I'm afraid to leave the house. I wish I had someone to be here with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything's gonna alright, to drive me to places, to take care of me, to embrace me at night so I don't feel so scared.

    At this point, I don't know if I'd ever get to go back to Cyber. It seems so distant. I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I go through days, not really living, but just waiting, for something, I don't know, maybe to change my life for the better.

PS I'm financially strapped this month because of the move but I bought the Coach ringer T-shirt in red and white anyway because I just need something to, I don't know, maybe to look forward to.

Life Update?

    So, it's been a week since I moved in here and so far, I like it, I guess but we'll see how I'll feel about it after a month. There are definitely pros and cons, such as, the room's smaller, there's no dryer but the house's bigger, there's a kitchen. I'm still adjusting to the changes and it's gonna take sometime to really get used to the place. Do I feel better now? Maybe, just a bit, just because I no longer have to go to the LRT station where the incident took place. Having to go there almost every day was like having to relive the trauma again and again. Anyway, my housemate's rarely at home so I get the house all to myself and I'm not complaining. I do wish I had someone who I could talk to, cook with, eat with, watch TV with and so on.

    Speaking of having someone I could talk to, I'm still reeling from the loss of my close friends. Although I'm hurt by them, I still miss them so much. I think of them almost every day. I wish I could see them at the shopping centres like we used to, talk to them, tell them everything that has happened in my life and I'd listen to their stories but as days go by, it feels more and more unlikely to happen again. I guess I haven't fully accepted the loss. I wish I could just text them and everything would be okay again. I wish it was that simple to reconcile but it's not. Losing them makes me even more lonely living in a big city. I've been trying to go on with my life without them but it's been so hard and I don't know if I'd ever find friends like them again.

    Anyway, I cooked Chinese fried rice today (it was my first time cooking at a rental house) and I watched Cassie Thorpe on TV. I've said this before but I wish I was as rich as she is and I could get the things I want. With my current salary, I need to save for months before I could afford something luxurious and I'm only able to buy a few luxury items a year. Imagine if I'd earned at least RM5,000 a month, or RM7,500, or even better, RM10,000, I could tick off the items in my wish list one by one. Despite everything that's going on in my life, I still look forward to growing my collection. I can't wait to get my Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau restored, the vintage Fendi denim jacket in lime green, the Coach ringer T-shirt in white and red and so on.