Taking a Step Back

    It's been nearly a month since my last post. I don't know where to start, and I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but coincidentally, I've decided to stop reaching out to him again this time. I talked about not contacting him in my previous post, but after the last time I posted here, I did text him, three times, for three weeks, every Sunday afternoon. The first two times, they were decent, we had decent conversations surprisingly. He showed a bit of improvement the second time, and I had hope things would get better moving forward, even though, of course, knowing he can be inconsistent, I kept in mind it was going to be like a roller-coaster ride, but as hard as I tried to brace for the worst, I was still disappointed and frustrated with him when I sent him a text for the third time.

    He took a long time to respond, and when he did reply, his responses were brief and felt uninterested. I know I shouldn't read too much into his responses, and maybe he was going through something at the time, maybe something happened to him, maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe he was fine, but he didn't just really feel like talking, and despite it feeling like two steps forward, one step back, I shouldn't let a few bad times dictate. The reason I've decided to stop reaching out to him this time isn't because I was undeniably downhearted by the way he responded, but I thought, I've tried keeping in touch with him, and it did turn out well for a few times, still, why don't I try something else? Something I tried once before, and it turned out well for a few times as well. Why don't I stop chasing him?

    I don't like boasting or overestimating myself, but I'm aware I've changed a lot, I can feel it, I've grown a lot over the course of a few months, and it's hard to believe how fast my growth is, like, the person who I was, maybe four or five months ago, isn't the same person who I am today, I can't believe it myself. I've still got a long way to go, obviously, I've still got a lot of work to do (I've been going to the gym for a month now, wink wink), especially internally, but I'm more confident in myself now, I'm able to do things on my own, go to places all by myself, and I'm not as scared as I used to be, to take a step back from this companionship. It's still hard though, I still have fears, like, what if we get drifted apart, and we'd never be close again, but this time, I'm trusting God to take care of it.

    The reason I'm less afraid this time is I remembered, when I was doing my foundation course, I had a friend who a lot of people were trying so hard to pursue a friendship with, and I was the only one who didn't put as much effort, yet, he'd come looking for me, and we're still friends to this day (he's one of my three avoidant friends). Maybe I stood out to him, among others, because I gave him space and time to come to me at his own time, at his own will, without forcing him, so, maybe he felt safe and comfortable with me because I didn't try to control him, maybe it made him curious about me, maybe it made him miss me. So, we'll see how this is going to turn out, and maybe I'd report back in one-month time.

PS I've been journaling almost every day.

Let It Be

    Sometimes, you've just got to let things be. No matter how hard and uncomfortable it is, and how much you want to change it, sometimes, you've just got to let it be. It's like, when there's a storm, sometimes, you've just got to sit it out, as opposed to braving it and risking making things worse, until it passes, and hopefully, there will be rays of white light piercing through the black clouds afterwards to cheer you up, because sometimes, when you try to change a situation, you just make things worse.

    Maybe I'm writing this in the heat of the moment, maybe I'd change my mind later on, but for now, I've decided to stop reaching out to him. I'm tired, of giving, and giving, and giving, and I get back much less than what I give, until I've got nothing to give any more. I'm drained, I can barely do anything. Maybe it's because I'm down with a cold at the moment which might be because I've been stressed out, but I know I've been stressed out, partly because of him.

    Two weeks ago, after my last post, I took a nap after doing the laundry. When I woke up, I realised he'd texted me nearly an hour ago, and I couldn't believe it. It was the first time he reached out to me, in a long time. I immediately responded, and he told me he wanted to come to my place, but by the time I replied, he was already on his way home. I was really frustrated because I was this close to seeing him after what feels like an eternity, and I'd been praying assiduously for this moment, this miracle, but it slipped away. I didn't want to force him, so, I said, 'it's alright, maybe next time.'

    I got overexcited, and I missed him so much, I started overgiving, in hope he'd try again the next weekend. I should've noticed him starting to pull away a bit again, and maybe I did notice it, but I wanted to meet him very badly, I kept pushing anyway. When the next weekend came, of course, he didn't even try, at all, and I was crushed. I felt like he was avoiding to see me, because it's not that hard to come to my place, from his place, and I was hurt because I felt like he didn't prioritise me like I prioritised him.

    So, for now, I need to take a break, not just from him, but from my two other avoidant close friends as well. As much as I love him, I miss him, I want to talk to him and see him, I can't keep giving, and get much less in return. I need to recharge too, so, I can be my best self again. 

PS I'm burnt out. I wish I wouldn't have to go to work, and I wish I could just stay at home, and rest until I'm ready to face the world again.

Waiting for Another Miracle

    It's 4:30 am, and I can't go back to sleep. I had a dream of him, again. I asked him how old he is, and he said, '33'. Only God knows how much I miss him. It'd be another miracle if I get to see him again, his face, his smile.

    I went out with my colleagues yesterday, but to be completely honest, it didn't really turn out the way I'd hoped, and it's the same thing with the night before. It just felt a bit, flat, I think. Is it because he's the one I really want to see? I'm not sure.

    When I came home, I texted him, just to see if he'd be interested to come to my place, even though my bathroom sink is clogged, and I should get that sorted out, before we meet, if that ever happens. He was responsive, but I didn't want to push him, and make him pull away from me, ever again. Plus, I don't think it was the best time for a meet-up, as much as I want to see him.

    I'm not unthankful, I'm beyond thankful for all the miracles, for getting to talk to him again, but, I still wish I could see him again. I'm scared if that day would never come, if we'd be stuck in a limbo of some sort, again. My life just feels empty without him, but the hope of seeing him again someday keeps me going.

PS I'm supposed to meet up another friend of mine next week, but I'm not sure if it'd happen because he's dismissive-avoidant too, and they have commitment issues.

The Low After the High

    I think, it's normal, for things to simmer down, after a period of excitement. I've been having a good time lately, I get to talk to him again, I met someone who I'm interested in being friends with (I'm not so sure this friendship would last long though), and I haven't felt like this in what feels like a very long time, and I wish it could remain this way for ever, but I know what goes up must come down, and trying to stop that, the equilibrium, can be catastrophic. So, as much as I want to keep talking to him, I know I shouldn't, I need to give him space to miss me and come to me, instead of me always being the one to go to him which is going to create an unhealthy pattern in the long run, and resentment. In the meantime, I need to learn to enjoy being in other people's company without him, I don't want to solely depend on him, because that's not healthy too. It's not easy and it's uncomfortable for me because I've been wired for almost all my life to cling to someone, but I've learnt the hard way, that it only pushes people away. I need to learn to be independent, to be able to stand on my own two feet, and to enjoy others' company without being clingy.

Trying to Savour the Good Moments While They Last

    Last Monday, I came back to Kuala Lumpur, to my new apartment. I was still feeling the aftermath of what happened the week before, and I still had a number of things to do to make my room feel like a sanctuary to me. The following day, I woke up feeling like shit. I just felt like, one bad thing after another happened to me: the situation with the apartment, the situation with my family, the situation with him, the situation with my job, and they all piled on me, like, give me a fucking break, could there be at least one, just one ray of light, in the midst of this dark, stormy sea of chaos that I'm struggling to navigate, to give me some hope, to keep me going?

    I spent most of the day, in misery, and at one point, I just couldn't take it any more. I'd had enough. I was like, fuck it, I'm going to do whatever I want, so, I texted him. I asked him, 'how's your new place?' It was sent, but it wasn't received, let alone read. He didn't post any story on WhatsApp, so, I had no way of knowing what was going on in his life. I was worried if he'd gone back to his country for good (he didn't answer my question whether his contract was renewed or not), so, I stalked his Instagram (I deactivated mine last month), and he posted a story there. I viewed it, and apparently, he'd gone back to his hometown for a while, so, that could explain why the text was sent, but it wasn't received. About an hour later, I could see it was received, and then, to my surprise, he replied, and it felt like a long-awaited miracle to me because we had a considerably long conversation, considering he's dismissive-avoidant, and he's better in person than in texts, albeit I did most of the talking, and his responses were brief. After a while, he stopped responding, but it was okay, because it felt like the miracle that I'd been waiting for months, for so long, too long, so, I went to sleep, content.

    I woke up at midnight to his text, which I didn't expect at all, and we continued talking in the next morning, and we ended the conversation on a sweet note. I invited him to come to my place, and he accepted the invitation, in his dismissive-avoidant way, which is vague and sloppy, saying, 'okay, when I'm ready soon.' I had questions, like, what do you mean, when is that, but I didn't question him because I've accepted the fact that he's not good at expressing himself in words, and I didn't want to pressure him by giving him a deadline, and set myself for disappointment if he couldn't make it.

    I don't want to bother him on working days, so, I refrain myself from texting him from Monday to Friday, and maybe I got too excited, I texted him again, yesterday, expecting the same outcome. I was having a bad day yesterday for a number of reasons, and maybe I was expecting him to be that ray of light in the midst of the dark, stormy, sea of chaos, again, so, when he gave me a close-ended, short and unenthusiastic response, I felt worse. I felt like I'd undo the progress we've made. I could've shut down the conversation, let him run, and try again another day, but instead, I changed the topic, and again, he gave a me disappointing response, and I was so annoyed with him, I didn't want to reply at all, I wanted to leave it at that, but I didn't want to make a rash decision, so, I took a nap. I woke up, still feeling like shit, but I couldn't leave him hanging even though he most probably didn't care, I knew that'd make me feel worse, so, before I went to sleep, I sent him a text, saying, 'sorry for the delayed response, I'm not feeling very well today. Goodnight.' I woke up at midnight, and he still hadn't replied, which I expected. So, I went to work this morning, still feeling like shit, and not expecting much, but surprisingly, he responded, in his own caring way. I tried to end the conversation before it got bad again, saying have a good week, and I expected him to just heart my text, but instead, he continued it, and we had a somewhat friendly conversation, on a working day. It definitely brightened up my day, kept me going even though I haven't got paid, and I was busy the whole day. He's stopped replying, but it's okay, I get it, he's got other things to do too. I'm just happy, because I feel like, we've made another progress, which feels like another miracle that I've been praying assiduously for, and I'm so thankful for all these miracles, and I'm trying to savour the good moments while they last.

In a Ideal World Pt III

    It's been more than a week since I moved to the new block, and I was told that a lot of the apartments here are actually unoccupied, hence why it's rather quiet, except for the noises from the roads, and I rarely bump into anyone in the lift. To be completely honest, I don't really mind the new block, like I've just said, there aren't many people here, so, I rarely bump into anyone in the lift, it's near the guardhouse, it's far from the previous two blocks, where I have bittersweet memories, but my new apartment is fairly dirty, it smells (because of my housemates and poor ventilation), it's shaded by trees, so, it's dark most of the time, it's facing towards the roads, so, it's quite noisy, there are insects, there's no water filter, and I have to pay more even though my room is smaller than the previous one.

    I don't know how long I'm going to have to be here, I hope it won't be so long because the longer I stay here, the more I realise this place isn't for me. I've explored the block a bit, and I could see through the windows of the unoccupied apartments, they look much better than the one I'm renting, they look brighter, cleaner, and more spacious, and I imagined, in an ideal world, if I was making a lot of money, or, if I was getting a house allowance, I would've rented one of the apartments all to myself, or, I would've rented it with him, and we'd live together. We'd have dinner together, cook together, watch TV together, and spend the weekends together, for ever. Wouldn't that be so heavenly? I wouldn't care about anything else.

PS I reached out to him last Thursday, and surprisingly, he responded, and I thought we were making a progress, but sadly, it was short-lived, he stopped replying, the whole conversation lasted less than five hours, after more than a month of not talking. I was so frustrated, I still am, like, is there any hope for us? Will we ever be close friends like we used to be? As frustrated as I am, I haven't given up on us though, I refuse to, even if that makes me a fool.

Please Come Back Home

    I'm going back to my hometown tonight, for a week, and I can't wait to see my family, especially my mum (I feel so safe and peaceful round her), and my cat, but I feel sad to leave without telling or seeing him. I know I mustn't reach out to him because I don't want him to pull further away from me, but still, I wish I could text him, like I used to, and he'd wish me a safe journey.

    I wish I could tell him what happened to me last week, I wish I could tell him everything that's happened to me since the last time we saw each other which was nearly three months ago, I wish I could tell him it's been so hard being here without him, having to do everything all by myself. He gave me a reason to keep going, but now, the reason is gone, because he is the reason.

    I know, I know I mustn't reach out to him because it's only going to push him further away, and maybe, the friendship is still recovering from the damage I've done, but I still wish I could talk to him without making him become more distant from me. I wish he'd reach out to me instead, even if it's just a hey, so, at least, I know the connection is still alive, and there's still hope.

    O Allah, my Lord, only You have a hold of his heart, only You can change it, so, please, make him feel safe and comfortable to come back to me, and give him courage to text me.