This City's Gonna Break Your Heart

    I've had an anger issue since I was at a tender age because of all the stuff that happened to me but when I was working in Cyber, I was told I was very calm, even in difficult situations. I myself could feel inside how calm I had become and I was proud of myself because I'd come a long way but ever since I moved to Kuala Lumpur, I feel like I'm becoming angry again. Not just angry but irritable, depressed and anxious too. I get irritated by small stuff, life seems bleak to me and I'm constantly thinking of what's gonna happen. It's hard for me to really rest and be at ease here. I've constantly gotta be on guard and it's tiring. I don't like the person I'm becoming.

    I've mentioned this in my previous post but I used to look forward to my next luxury purchases. My Balenciaga Part Time bag in vert d'eau used to make me feel excited about life but now, I don't really feel anything. I still cherish all my luxury items and I'm thankful to have them because they mean a lot to me, they are what I wanted when I was younger but I couldn't afford them. I still wanna grow my collection because they're like trophies for my achievements.

    I'm moving out tomorrow (my current place doesn't feel the same any more after the incident) and I wish I was moving to Cyber but sadly, I'm moving to somewhere nearby, just one station away. I've packed some of my belongings but I've got a long way to go and to be completely honest, mentally, I'm not here. Everything feels so heavy. I wish I had someone to help me and a car as well so I could do it at my own pace. Anyway, I don't know whether this move is gonna make me feel any better or worse but I'm only renting for six months before I've gotta make up my mind.

I'm Scared

'The blank pages of my diary

That I haven't touched since you left me

The closed blinds in my home

See no light of day

Dust gathers on my stereo

'Cause I can't bare to hear the radio

The piano sits in a shaded space

With a picture of your face

Coffee stains on your favorite book

Remind me of you, so I can't take a look

The magazines you left on the floor

You won't need them anymore

A towel left hanging on the wall

No sign of wet footsteps in the hall

There's no smell of your sweet cologne

I'm lying here alone'

    It's been months since I lost my close friends and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the loss. I'd thought we'd be friends until we're old, I'd thought we'd grow old together but sadly, that's not gonna happen.

    It's hard because we'd been friends for years and we went through a lot together and we had so many good memories together but now we're like enemies and the way the friendship ended makes it harder.

    On top of that, with everything that's going on in my life like my struggle to adjust to living and working in Kuala Lumpur and not having them to talk to or hang out with makes it even more hard.

    I can't deny, I feel like shit. Maybe I wouldn't feel as shitty if I were living and working in Cyber or if I've got someone else.

    I wish I could go back, to the time when we were still friends and if I'd known what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have come here.

Running Up That Hill

    I don't know how to start this post. I went through a lot yesterday and today. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'd just skip the first half of yesterday and tell what happened the second half of yesterday and today.

    First of all, I didn't even wanna go out initially because, a few nights ago, I received some texts from my former close friend and they felt like a punch in the gut. So, I was sad, hurt, frustrated and disappointed, I still am, it's gonna take sometime. I had hoped we could be friends again but now I truly know it's over.

    I played pickleball in the morning and I met some friends and new people. I don't feel like going into the details at the moment. Then I went to Bangi for a job interview the next day. Going back to Bangi felt surreal and it was an emotional experience for me, I miss it and I wish I could live and work there. It's obviously less hectic than Kuala Lumpur so I immediately felt better. Of course, the emotional attachment plays a part as well.

    But, I'd forgotten to print out a copy of my SPM and degree transcripts for the interview so after checking into Tenera Hotel, I went to Print Expert at Bangi Gateway but by the time I got there, the shop was closed. I didn't know where else to go. I walked around, asked strangers, no one knew any other printing shops and the night was falling. I was pacing around in Plaza Bangi Perdana and I saw a front desk clerk for a hotel there.

    I asked her if she could print out for me and at first, she seemed hesitant but I begged her to help me so she did and for that, I'm very thankful. Then, I needed to get a pair of track bottoms because I didn't have one but there was no shop at Bangi Gateway and in the surrounding area that sells track bottoms. I remember there's a sports shop near Fariz Maju so I had to walk from Bangi Gateway to the shop. It might not seem that far, by car, but by foot, it's completely different.

    The walk in the dark got me emotional because seeing the houses lit up inside, knowing there are families living there, made me wish I owned one of the houses too. I used to dream of owning a luxurious, sexy apartment but as I get older, I also get more realistic and a terraced house doesn't sound so bad. I also wish I'd taken some photos but my phone ran outta battery.

    After walking a long distance, I got there at last. I bought the track bottoms and I thought, while I was there, I might as well have dinner at Fariz Maju. I used to go there with my close friends but since we're no longer friends, that was my first time going there all by myself and of course, I ordered what we used to always order: double fried Maggi with a sunny side up egg which is the best fried Maggi I've ever tasted.

    Once I had my dinner, I looked around for a power outlet to charge my phone so I could get a Grab to go back to the hotel and I couldn't find one. I went as far as Kompleks Sukan Seksyen 15 but I still couldn't find one until I walked to Galaxy Futsal. Once my phone came alive again, I ordered a Grab but to no avail. No one wanted to take me. I waited so long and I figured, I might as well just walk back to the hotel which is like 2 km from the place.

    If you've been to Bangi, you know the roads near Bangi Gateway can get crazy but I walked anyway, passing by the fire station, the school, the night market and the factories. I can't remember the last time I did something crazy like that but it made me sad because, I've been through so much and I still had to do something like that. I wish I had a car so I didn't have to go through what I went through.

    When I got to the hotel, I was drenched in sweat and I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I went to my room and called my mum before going to bed. I wanted to have a shower but I was beat.

    The next day, I woke up early to get ready for the interview which I failed and I had breakfast afterwards at the hotel which was mediocre. Then I went home. So, it was all for nothing. It was a waste of my time, my money and my energy. I guess the only good takeaway from this experience is, I can now consider settling down in Bangi, not just Cyber.

I Remembered

    It's been a while since my last post and I've just realised it's also been a while since the last time I posted a photo here. I've taken many photos but I've never posted them anywhere because they're so personal to me so maybe I should post them here.

    Anyway, last weekend, I went back to my hometown. It felt good, I mean, it's always nice to see my mum and spend time with her. I just feel safe and peaceful around her. I wish I could stay with her and look after her but at the same time, I know I can't stay there.

    Last month, I returned to my hometown and I visited a shopping centre. Before I went home, I wanted to take a stroll in the department store, just for the sake of nostalgia, and as I was walking there, one of the sales assistants glared at me and I hadn't seen that glare in a very long time but I remembered it, that sneery glare.

    It's the same glare that people in my hometown had been shooting at me since I was at second school and it used to bother me a lot. It made me feel like I was some sort of a freak when I just dressed better than most people and I've always liked to dress up.

    In Kuala Lumpur, most people don't even bat an eye at you. Also, if you think you're overdressed, there are others who are more overdressed than you. Only several (kampung, rempit, PPRT, miskin, kelas bawahan) would glare at you like the people in my hometown do.

    As much as I hate Kuala Lumpur, that's one of the things I like about it. You can be yourself, you don't have to hide it to please people around you. On the contrary, those people are looked down upon here because of their awful attitudes.

    It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I've got a thicker skin now and I'm more self-assured but I was like, that's one of the reasons I can't live and work in my hometown. Many people there are narrow-minded and they'd make you feel like you're the problem.

    Anyway, having to be separated from my mum, again, is always hard. I wish so badly I had someone here with me, to take care of me on days I can barely take care of myself, to drive me to work and take me home so I wouldn't have to take the dreadful public transport, to cook for me so I'd feel less homesick, to cheer me up when I'm down, to watch TV with me so I wouldn't have to watch it all by myslef, to talk to me until I fall asleep, to embrace me when I sleep so I wouldn't feel so lonely.

Disconnected

    Have you ever been surrounded by people you know but you still felt like you're all alone?

    That's how I felt today, at work, and I feel guilty for feeling that way.

    I've been struggling to adjust to my new workplace, and I know it's not my fault, or anyone's fault either, I just don't really fit in here. There are people who I get on with, but there's no one I can really call a friend. So, sometimes, the interactions feel, fake and forced.

    I think it might hurt my co-workers' feelings if they find out I've been feeling this way, or maybe they've been feeling the same way with me, I don't know but I think, if I'm leaving this place one day, I'm not gonna regret it. I might miss some parts of it but that's it.

    It's hard to be somewhere, almost every day, and feel like, there's no one who you can really talk to and get you. It's such a lonely experience. It's a torture no one can see but only you can feel it and you've gotta go on, pretending like you're fine when you're not.

    I don't know how long I'm gonna have to stay here but I hope, someday, when I get another job, I'll never have to go through this, ever again.

PS I just wanna stress again that if you've a got mental disorder like I do (in my case, it's depression and anxiety), don't come and live and work in Kuala Lumpur, it's gonna make your mental disorder worse. It's not for people like us.

A Café in Downtown Kuala Lumpur

    Last Friday, I had a date (not a romantic one) after work with an old friend from uni. Funnily, we'd never hung out, we'd only spoken via Instagram because we met on an app. Nevertheless, he's been supportive to me and I missed hanging out with a friend (still do) so I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said yes.

    We went to a café near my workplace which is in the middle of Kuala Lumpur but surprisingly there weren't many people around us. We ordered some tea and we just sat there, drinking and talking for hours in the cold air as the night was falling. It was a beautiful moment and thinking about it gets me emotional, probably because I've been through a lot this year and I miss my close friends and I wish I could hang out with them like this again.

    It's one of those moments when I wish I could be in that moment for ever but time stops for no one. Life goes on regardless of what happens to you. You could have a moment all to yourself, for a while but soon, you've gotta get up and move on.

A Glimpse of Myself

    I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a fleeting moment of, 'I'm happy with myself, and the way I look, despite whatever I've been going through.'

    Ever since I was a child, I've always had an issue with my body. I used to be skinny, I weighed 45 kg and I hated myself, my body and the way I looked. Then I gained weights and I became overweight. I don't remember how much I weighed at that time but I think I weighed more than 60 kg and one of my former lovers, Shorty, rejected me because, in his words, I was fat.

    I fell into depression and I lost weights. I think I weighed about 50 kg to 52.5 kg at that time and I loved the way I looked, I wasn't thin but I wasn't fat either. Only then, Shorty accepted me.

    Slowly, over time, I gained weights again and now I weigh about 60 kg. I wish I could weigh 50 kg to 52.5 kg again but it's been challenging to shed weights.

    Today, I went to have lunch somewhere and there was this guy in a check shirt and he's probably one of the most good-looking guys I've ever seen in real life and he seemed so self-assured. I just felt insecure and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wish I could be like him. He radiates with confidence.

    Sometimes, I do feel fat and ugly even though I know I'm not fat and ugly and I should be thankful because there are unfortunate-looking people out there.

    I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just wish I'd lose some weights so I wouldn't be so self-conscious about my body.

Life's Too Short

    I went to the rooftop of my apartment. From there, I could see the city, the city lights, the hustle & bustle of city life, the traffic and the buildings & the skyscrapers. It was breathtaking.

    At the rooftop, there's a place where you can have a barbecue and it's decorated with fairy lights. I wish I was still friends with some people and we could hang out there, talking for hours until midnight.

    I wish they could see what I see: there's still beauty in the chaos we call world and life's too short for some fights so why don't we savour it while we can?

    I think, many people are too driven by their emotions, their judgements are clouded, they're not able to see and think clearly. I wish they'd realise it one day and regret it because we could've created so many memories together.

    Anyway, despite the breathtaking view and how convenient this place is, I'm glad I don't have enough money at the moment to buy a house. At first, I'd wanted to settle down here but after the incident, I was like, no. I would've regretted it for the rest of my life. Maybe it's better if you drive a car but it's a whole different situation when you take the public transport. Sometimes you like a place but not the population. Maybe next time I should rent somewhere else for sometime and see if it works for me and if it's up to my standards.

Dazed and Wondering What Lies Ahead

    I used to look forward to my next luxury purchase but now I'm not sure what I look forward to.

    I wish I had someone here with me, to take care of me on days I can barely take care of myself, to drive me to work so I don't have to take public transport, to embrace me when I feel scared, lonely and homesick.

    I feel like I'm floating in the middle of a vast ocean, again, not knowing where to go and what's going to happen to me, so, I just let the waves drift me to wherever it's going.

    I wonder if there'd ever be a day when everything has come together and I'd feel complete, at last.