Taking a Step Back

    It's been nearly a month since my last post. I don't know where to start, and I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but coincidentally, I've decided to stop reaching out to him again this time. I talked about not contacting him in my previous post, but after the last time I posted here, I did text him, three times, for three weeks, every Sunday afternoon. The first two times, they were decent, we had decent conversations surprisingly. He showed a bit of improvement the second time, and I had hope things would get better moving forward, even though, of course, knowing he can be inconsistent, I kept in mind it was going to be like a roller-coaster ride, but as hard as I tried to brace for the worst, I was still disappointed and frustrated with him when I sent him a text for the third time.

    He took a long time to respond, and when he did reply, his responses were brief and felt uninterested. I know I shouldn't read too much into his responses, and maybe he was going through something at the time, maybe something happened to him, maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe he was fine, but he didn't just really feel like talking, and despite it feeling like two steps forward, one step back, I shouldn't let a few bad times dictate. The reason I've decided to stop reaching out to him this time isn't because I was undeniably downhearted by the way he responded, but I thought, I've tried keeping in touch with him, and it did turn out well for a few times, still, why don't I try something else? Something I tried once before, and it turned out well for a few times as well. Why don't I stop chasing him?

    I don't like boasting or overestimating myself, but I'm aware I've changed a lot, I can feel it, I've grown a lot over the course of a few months, and it's hard to believe how fast my growth is, like, the person who I was, maybe four or five months ago, isn't the same person who I am today, I can't believe it myself. I've still got a long way to go, obviously, I've still got a lot of work to do (I've been going to the gym for a month now, wink wink), especially internally, but I'm more confident in myself now, I'm able to do things on my own, go to places all by myself, and I'm not as scared as I used to be, to take a step back from this companionship. It's still hard though, I still have fears, like, what if we get drifted apart, and we'd never be close again, but this time, I'm trusting God to take care of it.

    The reason I'm less afraid this time is I remembered, when I was doing my foundation course, I had a friend who a lot of people were trying so hard to pursue a friendship with, and I was the only one who didn't put as much effort, yet, he'd come looking for me, and we're still friends to this day (he's one of my three avoidant friends). Maybe I stood out to him, among others, because I gave him space and time to come to me at his own time, at his own will, without forcing him, so, maybe he felt safe and comfortable with me because I didn't try to control him, maybe it made him curious about me, maybe it made him miss me. So, we'll see how this is going to turn out, and maybe I'd report back in one-month time.

PS I've been journaling almost every day.

Let It Be

    Sometimes, you've just got to let things be. No matter how hard and uncomfortable it is, and how much you want to change it, sometimes, you've just got to let it be. It's like, when there's a storm, sometimes, you've just got to sit it out, as opposed to braving it and risking making things worse, until it passes, and hopefully, there will be rays of white light piercing through the black clouds afterwards to cheer you up, because sometimes, when you try to change a situation, you just make things worse.

    Maybe I'm writing this in the heat of the moment, maybe I'd change my mind later on, but for now, I've decided to stop reaching out to him. I'm tired, of giving, and giving, and giving, and I get back much less than what I give, until I've got nothing to give any more. I'm drained, I can barely do anything. Maybe it's because I'm down with a cold at the moment which might be because I've been stressed out, but I know I've been stressed out, partly because of him.

    Two weeks ago, after my last post, I took a nap after doing the laundry. When I woke up, I realised he'd texted me nearly an hour ago, and I couldn't believe it. It was the first time he reached out to me, in a long time. I immediately responded, and he told me he wanted to come to my place, but by the time I replied, he was already on his way home. I was really frustrated because I was this close to seeing him after what feels like an eternity, and I'd been praying assiduously for this moment, this miracle, but it slipped away. I didn't want to force him, so, I said, 'it's alright, maybe next time.'

    I got overexcited, and I missed him so much, I started overgiving, in hope he'd try again the next weekend. I should've noticed him starting to pull away a bit again, and maybe I did notice it, but I wanted to meet him very badly, I kept pushing anyway. When the next weekend came, of course, he didn't even try, at all, and I was crushed. I felt like he was avoiding to see me, because it's not that hard to come to my place, from his place, and I was hurt because I felt like he didn't prioritise me like I prioritised him.

    So, for now, I need to take a break, not just from him, but from my two other avoidant close friends as well. As much as I love him, I miss him, I want to talk to him and see him, I can't keep giving, and get much less in return. I need to recharge too, so, I can be my best self again. 

PS I'm burnt out. I wish I wouldn't have to go to work, and I wish I could just stay at home, and rest until I'm ready to face the world again.

Waiting for Another Miracle

    It's 4:30 am, and I can't go back to sleep. I had a dream of him, again. I asked him how old he is, and he said, '33'. Only God knows how much I miss him. It'd be another miracle if I get to see him again, his face, his smile.

    I went out with my colleagues yesterday, but to be completely honest, it didn't really turn out the way I'd hoped, and it's the same thing with the night before. It just felt a bit, flat, I think. Is it because he's the one I really want to see? I'm not sure.

    When I came home, I texted him, just to see if he'd be interested to come to my place, even though my bathroom sink is clogged, and I should get that sorted out, before we meet, if that ever happens. He was responsive, but I didn't want to push him, and make him pull away from me, ever again. Plus, I don't think it was the best time for a meet-up, as much as I want to see him.

    I'm not unthankful, I'm beyond thankful for all the miracles, for getting to talk to him again, but, I still wish I could see him again. I'm scared if that day would never come, if we'd be stuck in a limbo of some sort, again. My life just feels empty without him, but the hope of seeing him again someday keeps me going.

PS I'm supposed to meet up another friend of mine next week, but I'm not sure if it'd happen because he's dismissive-avoidant too, and they have commitment issues.

The Low After the High

    I think, it's normal, for things to simmer down, after a period of excitement. I've been having a good time lately, I get to talk to him again, I met someone who I'm interested in being friends with (I'm not so sure this friendship would last long though), and I haven't felt like this in what feels like a very long time, and I wish it could remain this way for ever, but I know what goes up must come down, and trying to stop that, the equilibrium, can be catastrophic. So, as much as I want to keep talking to him, I know I shouldn't, I need to give him space to miss me and come to me, instead of me always being the one to go to him which is going to create an unhealthy pattern in the long run, and resentment. In the meantime, I need to learn to enjoy being in other people's company without him, I don't want to solely depend on him, because that's not healthy too. It's not easy and it's uncomfortable for me because I've been wired for almost all my life to cling to someone, but I've learnt the hard way, that it only pushes people away. I need to learn to be independent, to be able to stand on my own two feet, and to enjoy others' company without being clingy.

Trying to Savour the Good Moments While They Last

    Last Monday, I came back to Kuala Lumpur, to my new apartment. I was still feeling the aftermath of what happened the week before, and I still had a number of things to do to make my room feel like a sanctuary to me. The following day, I woke up feeling like shit. I just felt like, one bad thing after another happened to me: the situation with the apartment, the situation with my family, the situation with him, the situation with my job, and they all piled on me, like, give me a fucking break, could there be at least one, just one ray of light, in the midst of this dark, stormy sea of chaos that I'm struggling to navigate, to give me some hope, to keep me going?

    I spent most of the day, in misery, and at one point, I just couldn't take it any more. I'd had enough. I was like, fuck it, I'm going to do whatever I want, so, I texted him. I asked him, 'how's your new place?' It was sent, but it wasn't received, let alone read. He didn't post any story on WhatsApp, so, I had no way of knowing what was going on in his life. I was worried if he'd gone back to his country for good (he didn't answer my question whether his contract was renewed or not), so, I stalked his Instagram (I deactivated mine last month), and he posted a story there. I viewed it, and apparently, he'd gone back to his hometown for a while, so, that could explain why the text was sent, but it wasn't received. About an hour later, I could see it was received, and then, to my surprise, he replied, and it felt like a long-awaited miracle to me because we had a considerably long conversation, considering he's dismissive-avoidant, and he's better in person than in texts, albeit I did most of the talking, and his responses were brief. After a while, he stopped responding, but it was okay, because it felt like the miracle that I'd been waiting for months, for so long, too long, so, I went to sleep, content.

    I woke up at midnight to his text, which I didn't expect at all, and we continued talking in the next morning, and we ended the conversation on a sweet note. I invited him to come to my place, and he accepted the invitation, in his dismissive-avoidant way, which is vague and sloppy, saying, 'okay, when I'm ready soon.' I had questions, like, what do you mean, when is that, but I didn't question him because I've accepted the fact that he's not good at expressing himself in words, and I didn't want to pressure him by giving him a deadline, and set myself for disappointment if he couldn't make it.

    I don't want to bother him on working days, so, I refrain myself from texting him from Monday to Friday, and maybe I got too excited, I texted him again, yesterday, expecting the same outcome. I was having a bad day yesterday for a number of reasons, and maybe I was expecting him to be that ray of light in the midst of the dark, stormy, sea of chaos, again, so, when he gave me a close-ended, short and unenthusiastic response, I felt worse. I felt like I'd undo the progress we've made. I could've shut down the conversation, let him run, and try again another day, but instead, I changed the topic, and again, he gave a me disappointing response, and I was so annoyed with him, I didn't want to reply at all, I wanted to leave it at that, but I didn't want to make a rash decision, so, I took a nap. I woke up, still feeling like shit, but I couldn't leave him hanging even though he most probably didn't care, I knew that'd make me feel worse, so, before I went to sleep, I sent him a text, saying, 'sorry for the delayed response, I'm not feeling very well today. Goodnight.' I woke up at midnight, and he still hadn't replied, which I expected. So, I went to work this morning, still feeling like shit, and not expecting much, but surprisingly, he responded, in his own caring way. I tried to end the conversation before it got bad again, saying have a good week, and I expected him to just heart my text, but instead, he continued it, and we had a somewhat friendly conversation, on a working day. It definitely brightened up my day, kept me going even though I haven't got paid, and I was busy the whole day. He's stopped replying, but it's okay, I get it, he's got other things to do too. I'm just happy, because I feel like, we've made another progress, which feels like another miracle that I've been praying assiduously for, and I'm so thankful for all these miracles, and I'm trying to savour the good moments while they last.

In a Ideal World Pt III

    It's been more than a week since I moved to the new block, and I was told that a lot of the apartments here are actually unoccupied, hence why it's rather quiet, except for the noises from the roads, and I rarely bump into anyone in the lift. To be completely honest, I don't really mind the new block, like I've just said, there aren't many people here, so, I rarely bump into anyone in the lift, it's near the guardhouse, it's far from the previous two blocks, where I have bittersweet memories, but my new apartment is fairly dirty, it smells (because of my housemates and poor ventilation), it's shaded by trees, so, it's dark most of the time, it's facing towards the roads, so, it's quite noisy, there are insects, there's no water filter, and I have to pay more even though my room is smaller than the previous one.

    I don't know how long I'm going to have to be here, I hope it won't be so long because the longer I stay here, the more I realise this place isn't for me. I've explored the block a bit, and I could see through the windows of the unoccupied apartments, they look much better than the one I'm renting, they look brighter, cleaner, and more spacious, and I imagined, in an ideal world, if I was making a lot of money, or, if I was getting a house allowance, I would've rented one of the apartments all to myself, or, I would've rented it with him, and we'd live together. We'd have dinner together, cook together, watch TV together, and spend the weekends together, for ever. Wouldn't that be so heavenly? I wouldn't care about anything else.

PS I reached out to him last Thursday, and surprisingly, he responded, and I thought we were making a progress, but sadly, it was short-lived, he stopped replying, the whole conversation lasted less than five hours, after more than a month of not talking. I was so frustrated, I still am, like, is there any hope for us? Will we ever be close friends like we used to be? As frustrated as I am, I haven't given up on us though, I refuse to, even if that makes me a fool.

Please Come Back Home

    I'm going back to my hometown tonight, for a week, and I can't wait to see my family, especially my mum (I feel so safe and peaceful round her), and my cat, but I feel sad to leave without telling or seeing him. I know I mustn't reach out to him because I don't want him to pull further away from me, but still, I wish I could text him, like I used to, and he'd wish me a safe journey.

    I wish I could tell him what happened to me last week, I wish I could tell him everything that's happened to me since the last time we saw each other which was nearly three months ago, I wish I could tell him it's been so hard being here without him, having to do everything all by myself. He gave me a reason to keep going, but now, the reason is gone, because he is the reason.

    I know, I know I mustn't reach out to him because it's only going to push him further away, and maybe, the friendship is still recovering from the damage I've done, but I still wish I could talk to him without making him become more distant from me. I wish he'd reach out to me instead, even if it's just a hey, so, at least, I know the connection is still alive, and there's still hope.

    O Allah, my Lord, only You have a hold of his heart, only You can change it, so, please, make him feel safe and comfortable to come back to me, and give him courage to text me.

A New Beginning?

    I don't know how and where to begin.

    It's been a while since my last post, but a lot of things happened, and I don't want to go into the details because it's still too painful for me to talk about it, I'm still processing everything.

    I've just moved into a new place yesterday, yet again, same apartment, just a different block, for reasons I don't want to talk about. All I can say is, I'm relieved I've finally got out of the previous place, I'm glad things turned out better than I'd thought, and I hope I can put it behind for good and start a new chapter.

    The moving process wasn't only physically draining, but also, mentally and emotionally. I had to go back and forth from the old block to the new one more than eight times, but I'm thankful to all the kind strangers who showed me kindness by helping me, they made the process less hard.

    Anyway, last Thursday, I posted a story on WhatsApp, as planned, of a picture of the gym at my apartment, with a caption, 'let's grow some muscles!' I was on the phone when 13 minutes later, I got a notification that he hearted my story, and it just felt like a ray of light amidst of the dark chaotic stormy sea I was struggling to navigate.

    I'm planning to post a story next Wednesday, of a photo of a beach at a resort I'm going to in Penang, if everything goes as planned, with a caption, 'selamat hari raya, everyone!' I wish he'd text me too, instead of just hearting my story, but I've got to be patient, because they take a long time to come round, so, I'll take what I get, even if it's just a heart.

Untitled

    I rarely write on weekdays, except when I really feel like writing, and today, I really feel like writing something.

    I had a fairly bad day today at work: I spilt some food and drink on myself, I forgot to avoid talking to my moody co-worker, I spent and ate more than I should, I said something I shouldn't have said, and my head was all over the place I couldn't really focus on my work.

    Because I ate so much, I had to go to the loo, and I sat in the cubicle for quite a while. While I was sitting, alone, a thought came to mind, and I hadn't been visited by it for rather sometime. I thought of two of my former close friends, N&N. I thought of how nice it would've been if we were still friends: I wouldn't have depended so much on Shorty 2.0, hence our friendship wouldn't have been as damaged, and I would go out with them, to the shopping centres, to the restaurants, to the karaoke bars, to the cinemas, we would have so much fun.

    It's been nearly a year since we last spoke, and it feels like a different life, it feels like a lifetime ago. I've tried making new friends, and I try not to compare, but I haven't found ones who I get on with like I got on with them, who get me the way they did, I don't know if I ever would. We were inseparable, and the thought of one day we'd be separated never crossed my mind, so, when that day came, it was, and still is, hard for me to accept it's the end of our friendship.

    I genuinely don't know what I did wrong, but I can admit, maybe, I came across as I was making things about myself even though I was trying to be supportive, and I should've listened more, and spoken less, and when things got heated, I should've backed down, instead of trying to convince them I meant well. I have apologised, more than once, and I have given space and time, but as the days pass by, it seems more and more unlikely we'd ever reunite.

    Nevertheless, my door is always open to them, if they ever want to come back. People say, 'never say never.' It's been hard living without them, because they were a big part of my life, so, when I lost them, I lost a big part of my life, and I became lost. I had to go through a seemingly unending dark tunnel, and I hardly could see the light at the end of it, and I felt so alone, and I almost lost hope when I met Shorty 2.0. That's why when I met him, I clung tightly to him, because I finally found a reason to keep going, and when I lost him too, I was devastated, I felt like I was back in the seemingly unending dark tunnel.

    I wish I could talk to them, tell them everything that has happened to me for the past year, about Shorty 2.0, and hear about everything that has happened to them. I wish we could be friends again like we used to be.

Standstill

    I posted a story on WhatsApp (I'd been thinking about it since last Saturday because they didn't take the "bait", and I almost forgot to do it as I was so busy yesterday), of a photo of Masjid Negara, with a caption, 'salam Jumaat, everyone!' and on Telegram, of a photo of myself going out last Saturday, with a caption, 'who knew all I needed was good vibes, good food, smashing time, trashy music and (halal) beer to get me going again.' Did I really have a smashing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean I can't have a good time just because I'm still not fully alright. I haven't checked to see whether they've taken the "bait" or not, I'm scared to do so because I know I'm gonna be disappointed if they haven't and aren't going to. I think it's normal to check to see if they've taken the "bait", and it's also normal to be disappointed if they're haven't and aren't going to, it's like checking to see if a stray cat has eaten the food you leave it, as long as you don't spiral. If they're not going to take the "bait", I'm still going to keep posting a story on WhatsApp and Telegram once a week until they take the "bait". There's nothing else I can do to make them feel comfortable and safe to come back to me other than posting a "calm" story, praying and working on myself.

    A few days ago, I woke up feeling like I was in a standstill, and I still feel that way. I felt like, not only I've been through so much, but I've also learnt so much (the attachment theory is one of the best things I've ever discovered, it explains so much why I'm the way I am and why some people are the way they are), and I've done so much work on myself for the past weeks, but how do I put all these into practice if I'm not in contact with him? I'm aware that I have been putting some of them into practice while I'm not in contact with him, like not letting my emotions get the best of me, not making impulsive decisions and so forth, but I'll never truly know if I'm truly ready (I know I'll never be fully ready) to be friends with him again unless I try. It's like studying for an exam, and you do all these exercises, and you perform well in them, but you'll never know if your performance is going to be as good in the exam unless you take it. So, I did solat taubat, because one, I don't want our sins to keep us apart, and two, I don't want them to weigh me down and hold me back from progressing.

    I'm planning to text him early next month, but I'm not sure if I should. I don't think he 's going to ignore me, or give me a cold response, but I don't want to create a pattern of me always initiating because I know it's not good for the friendship in the long run, and I know it's best to let dismissive-avoidant people come to you instead of you coming to them, but at the same time, I worried if he's hesitant to reach out to me, in fear of I'd be upset with him. I don't know if he'd ever come back to me, and even if he would, I don't know when, like how long is it going to take for him to do so? Two months? Three months? Six months? One year? I don't know, but I still hope he will eventually, someday, somehow, and we can rebuild our friendship, and become close like we used to be.

PS I've just checked to see if they've seen my stories, and he hasn't seen my story on Telegram, but he's seen my story on WhatsApp, and he hearted it (I didn't expect him to take the "bait")!

That's Just the Way the Cookie Crumbles

    Yesterday, I went out with my colleagues to KLCC and Pavilion. I'd been looking forward to it because I'd just needed a break from everything. My life's been challenging, especially lately. I had a good time. When I got home, I felt sleepy, so, I went to bed. When I woke up, it was already Maghrib. I got up, and I prayed. While waiting for Isyak, I hung out at the balcony, and I saw his room lit up, and I saw someone passed by the window. I don't know whether it was him or a new tenant, but it triggered me, I felt horribly upset, not just with him, but also with myself, like, why am I doing this to myself?

    I went to my room, and I sat in my bed. I just wanted to move out of here, it's so painful to stay here, to be reminded of him. I posted a story on WhatsApp after I came home, of this week's highlights, to show him I'd been doing okay (not really, just a bit better), so, he'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me (I'll get back to this later), and it made me feel worse because he hadn't seen it. What made me feel even more bad was seeing his story on WhatsApp, of him having dinner at his new place.

    Then, I realised a few things. One, just because I felt like I needed to move out of here, which is valid, I'm not gonna invalidate myself, it doesn't mean I've really got to move out of here. I don't have to dismiss, ignore or suppress my feelings, like they do, but at the same time, I don't have to act on them. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay, it's good for me, because I'm training myself not to be impulsive. Plus, I haven't got a better job, so, for now, I've got to stay here.

    Two, sometimes, I think I'm okay, but other times, I realise I'm still not ready to see him. I can't let him see me like this. I'm still a mess, I'm gonna scare him off, but if he ever comes back to me, to make him stay this time, I need to get better. I can't keep dwelling on my feelings. It's normal to feel sad, or angry, or scared, but it doesn't mean I've got to be sad, or angry, or scared. It's hard, but this is what I've got to do, I've got to train myself to control my emotions.

    Three, I can't watch his stories, just like I can't watch my dismissive-avoidant friend's stories. I mustn't. I've got low tolerance for bullshit, and their stories just annoy the hell out of me. They bring out the worst in me, they make me want to flip a table, because I know they're not okay, but they're suppressing their negative feelings by pretending like they're alright. Secure people don't have to try so hard to show everyone they're alright. I can empathise, I can respect, I can understand it's their coping mechanism, and I wish it doesn't trigger me so much, but I just can't. So, because of that, I've got to keep hiding them, and avoiding them, for the sake of my mental health, which, in return, benefits the friendships. I can't get hurt so much if I don't see their stories.

    The third point brings me to the next point, and that is, to make them comfortable and safe to come back to me, I need to show them I've been doing okay, like coaxing a stray cat. They are supposedly attracted to calm, emotionally stable people, because that's what they aspire to be, despite their calm exterior. So, my plan is, to post stories on WhatsApp and/or Telegram, of me just enjoying life, even though that might not be entirely true, but just like my second point, just because I don't feel happy, it doesn't mean I've got to be unhappy. They might or might not take the "bait" at first, which is going to be frustrating, but I won't give up, I'll keep posting once a week, so, it wouldn't look I'm trying to get their attention. Once they take the bait, and they like the taste of it (they should), hopefully, they'd be more inclined to take the next bait, and the ones after, until they'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me, and I'm going to be warm but I'm going to keep a distance, because distant people drive them insane. This might sound like a game, a manipulation, especially to anxious-preoccupied people like me, but if they can "play a game" with us, why can't we do the same thing?

PS True healing comes from realising your issues & mistakes, acknowledging them, and working on yourself, and I wish I could say one day, it all worked out in the end.

How Long Is a While?

    For the past few days, I've been trying to act normal, in hope of things will get back to normal. It's very hard, it feels like pretending, and ignoring your feelings, but, is there another way, other than dwelling on my feelings?

    Last Sunday, just before nightfall, out of nowhere, I had the urge to go out for a walk, and so I did. From the neighbourhood, I could see my current block, and my previous block, where I was neighbours with Shorty 2.0. I could see the window of his room, and it was dark, even though night was falling. I had a feeling he'd moved out, but I had no proof to believe it.

    The next day, after I came home from work, I hung out at the balcony for a moment before I went to bed, and from there, I could see his room. Again, it was dark, even though it was already at night, but it was possible he didn't come home yet.

    Yesterday, I noticed he posted a story on WhatsApp, and I'd been avoiding his stories, but I needed a proof, so, I clicked it, and it was a picture of his new place, with a caption that, to me, felt like a snide remark to me. It didn't sting as much as I'd thought it would, but it still stung, especially because he didn't tell me (and I thought he'd move out this weekend or next weekend), and one of my fears came true: he'd really moved out. Yes, I didn't tell him too when I moved out, but that's because we weren't in a good place, but I thought we're in a slightly better place now, but I guess not really.

    I could've flipped out, deleting his number and all that, to "punish" him basically, but that's what he expects me to do, right? So, I defied his expectations. Instead, I deactivated my Instagram (I don't know if he'd ever notice this since he's not following me), and I hid his stories on WhatsApp (I don't know if he'd ever notice this either). If he'd ever notice it, he might think I flipped out, but he'd be confused to see I haven't deleted his number and all that.

    The reason I did those things was, I felt like, his stories were distracting me from getting better, and I don't need to see him acting like he's okay, when I know he's not okay. It's annoying. If he wanna do that, go ahead, but I'm gonna truly heal, unlike him, in silence, and I don't have to show it to everyone.

    Tomorrow's gonna be day 14, and like I said in my previous post, I think the longest time we weren't in contact was 14 days, and he reached out to me on the fifteenth day, but I just get the feeling I'm not gonna hear from him for a while, and I don't know long a while is gonna be this time, but I still hope he will, somehow, against all odds, even though he probably won't.

I Just Wanna Be Alone

    I woke up at 4 am, feeling frustrated. It's been ten days since the last time I heard from him, and he hasn't reached out to me. I know I've just said yesterday I believe he'll come back to me someday, but I'm still learning to trust him, and I can't help feeling frustrated. I feel like I've been trying to accommodate his needs, giving him space and time, but what about my needs? I don't ask for much, I'm not asking him to be in constant contact with me, to come and see me every day, but once in a while, I do wanna hear from him, like, 'how's your day?' or, 'what are you up to?' Is that too much to ask for?

    I'm not sure what the longest time was we weren't in contact. 14 days? So, maybe I just need to wait for another four days? I don't want to hope for something uncertain. Also, that was before we had big fights (we only had little fights prior to that), so, it might take longer since things are more complicated now, but then again, the way he responded to me the last time, he sounded like he was no longer annoyed with me or whatever, maybe he just needs some more time to deal with the move, before he's ready to see me? I'm not sure.

    I don't know if this means anything, but he didn't post any stories on Instagram and WhatsApp yesterday, but today, I saw him post stories again.

Bursting at the Seams

    If I was rich, I would've bought the house I'm renting at the moment. For an apartment, in Kuala Lumpur, it's huge, to me. There are a living room, a dining room, kitchen, a laundry room, four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a balcony. And it's not in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, it's on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, which I prefer.

    Anyway, am I enjoying this three-day weekend? Not really, but I came across something last night, that not only gave me some peace of mind, but also some hope, and some happiness, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time.

    So, I had a bad day yesterday. I didn't wanna go out, I just wanted to stay at home, but I had to, so I did, and sure enough, several bad things happened to me. When I came home, I was emotionally drained, so, I went to bed, and I woke up about three hours later. What made me wake up feeling worse was, I still hadn't heard anything from Shorty 2.0, and it'd been eight days since the last time we had a contact, but he'd been posting stories on Instagram (he hasn't followed me back which made me feel worse as well).

    As you can tell from my previous post, I was, well, anxious, and if you're familiar with the discourse on the attachment theory, you must be aware of the view that most people (mostly anxious-preoccupied people who refuse to accept the fact that they themselves are a part of the problem, and they need to work on themselves, so, instead, they put the blame on others, and expect everyone to accept them for who they are) hold is, dismissive-avoidant people are hopeless.

    As someone who's got a dismissive-avoidant close friend (I'd never fully realised this about him until I learnt about the attachment theory) for nearly 14 years, I can say, it's not all hopeless. Yes, it's probably the most challenging type of relationship to navigate, especially if you're anxious-preoccupied, and it takes a special kind of person (caring, compassionate, empathetic, kind, loving, patient, supportive, understanding) to be willing to deal with this sort of people, and if you truly love this person, if you truly care about this person, this is what you've got to do.

    Maybe I'm just stubborn, maybe I'm just a fool, but giving up on Shorty 2.0 just doesn't feel right to me, and I'd rather be a fool than regretting not trying. Like I've said before, I don't think he's not interested in me at all. I mean, if he's not, wouldn't he have deleted my number, blocked me and ignored me?

    So, I scrolled through Reddit, reading about the attachment theory, not expecting to find anything different because the general consensus is that we should give up on dismissive-avoidant people, and as I was about to leave, I stumbled upon a post. Basically, this woman's got a dismissive-avoidant friend, and she told her friend, her friend did something hurtful to her, and instead of apologising and taking responsibility, her friend "ignored" her (typical dismissive-avoidant behaviour). Later on, she reached out to her friend, saying sorry, and her friend said, 'it's okay,' but she didn't believe it because her friend continued to "ignore" her.

    I was expecting the response to be like, 'your friend's not worth your time and energy,' 'move on,' or something like that, but it was different. Another woman said, 'okay, this is long and it might sound harsh, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through and acted much in the same way as you did, and I've gone from anxiously attached within a friendship to secure in all my relationships, so I hope you'll take what I say with the intention that it doesn't feel good to hear the truth about your behavior, but facing it head on is the only way to surpass it.

    First, I have learned that going by someone's words is more effective than actions because actions are left up for interpretation, and words are the things they want you to hear. Of course there's nuance to that, but this actually isn't a case where her words and actions are in conflict, even though it seems you think it is. I also would've thought it is in the past. But here's the situation:

    She said she forgave you and you're good now. Once she said that, it was time to accept that and move forward from this conflict. It might've taken a minute to fully get back into the normal groove of your friendship, but at a point when a conflict is over, you do have to just go back to normal, even if it's faking it until it feels real again. That might not feel genuine, but it is healthy and normal because feelings linger even when you actually know something is fine, and sometimes it just takes forcing yourself back to normal for the lingering feelings to drift away. If you keep dwelling on the feelings, they will never go away.

    So I think she's distant because you won't go back to normal, and you're overwhelming her with emotion constantly. She said she forgave you and after that, you still have another time where you apologized and told her you missed her, you poured your heart out over text and she left you on read, and you still want to seek her out for one on one conversation about all this. Even secure people don't want to deal with this level of emotion when they feel like the conflict is done on their side. I don't see any situation you described where you tried to just go back to your normal friendship. Once she said she forgave you and you're good, you should have believed her rather than trying to interpret her actions as meaning something other than that.

    That was a thing in my friendship, because my feelings were always a lot more heightened, it turned out I didn't believe or trust my friend when she said things were fine. This was a surprise to me because if you had ever asked me, I would've said I trust her with my life, but my mind actually wasn't trusting of her words and I just didn't realize it. I interpreted her behaviors or actions as still being off, but it was only my perception that was off. She would tell me things were fine, but I would judge her actions, which I interpreted incorrectly, rather than listen to her words. It was when my friend outright told me that it hurt her feelings that I didn't believe or trust her words that I really understood what I was doing. She felt no matter what she said to me, I was still going to keep feeling overly emotional and thinking things weren't fine, so she felt like no matter what she did or said, she wasn't helping me and that made her feel bad, too. Once I understood how she felt, that it was hurting her for me to act that way, that was a huge wake up call and the catalyst to my healing. What I learned was not that I didn't trust her, but that I couldn't fully trust anyone and that's what I had to work on.

    So now, definitely since you poured your heart out and she left you on read, just leave her alone. She knows how you feel. You've told her how you feel a lot. Relationships are supposed to be fun and bring joy to your life most of the time, especially friendships. She's not feeling like it's fun right now. That doesn't mean she's just discarded your whole relationship. A six year friendship is meaningful to her, too, I'm sure. It means she can't deal with your emotions on this subject anymore because she was done with this conflict weeks ago.

    I definitely had a time when I thought my friendship with my best friend was over, but it did eventually get back to normal. You just have to start acting normal, even if that's not how you feel on the inside. Don't assume it's over forever, don't try to brush her off or act any type of way as retaliation for her silence if she reaches out. Don't expect an apology from her or hold a grudge or resentment. If you can't let go or move on from your feelings right now, then you might not be able to move forward with your friendship, but that's on your side, not hers. I would say, if in like a week or so she still hasn't reached out, you can perhaps just try to start a normal conversation with her like "hey, did you see the new episode of that show we both like" or whatever you might normally talk about to show her that you are back to normal. Maybe she'll be receptive, and maybe not. If she's still not, then at that point I'd say you really have done all you can and it's totally in her court.

    This is already long, but I want to emphasize I'm not telling you just to force yourself to get over your feelings or push them away or whatever, but there comes a point where you have to deal with them yourself. Yes, you should be able to go to your friend when you're feeling bad, but you're feeling bad about your friend about something she already said is fine. At that point, your feelings are your responsibility to deal with. She can't help you with them because she's already told you that the conflict is over and that you're good. You not accepting that is not something she can change, so you really have to find alternate means of dealing with your emotions yourself in that case.

    People in my life of course tell me I can talk to them about anything, but the growth in me is knowing that just because I can talk about anything, doesn't mean I should. I've learned to know the difference. I learned when my feelings were irrational or untrue and that I shouldn't take those feelings to the people they're about because no one wants to keep hearing you think untrue things about them and don't believe them when they correct you. Over time, dealing with those feelings myself rather than taking them to the person they're about turned into me being able to identify them as being irrational right away, and eventually to stop having the irrational and anxious feelings altogether. Like, at first it might be just coping, but it does eventually turn into true peace and security. To cut this short, DBT was the biggest help in overcoming my anxious attachment, and you can find tons of free resources on that online or get a self-guided workbook (which is what I did). So anyway, I truly do understand your pain, but trust me that it can get better and your friendship doesn't have to be over.'

    When I read that response, I felt like it all made sense, and the weight that'd been weighing on me for the past few months, was finally lifted off my shoulders. I didn't trust Shorty 2.0 when he told me he'd get back to me once he's free, because I've been seeing him post stories on Instagram, but maybe actually he's not ready to meet me, maybe he's got to deal with some things before he's ready to see me. By doing so, I can empathise and understand him, and I don't really resent him any more.

    Now I believe he'll come back to me someday, I just don't know when, but when he does, I'd love to show him, I can keep things light and casual, and he can feel safe and comfortable around me again. I'm ready to see him now.

PS I used to feel scared if he'd leave me one day, and jealous seeing him go out with other people, and being envious of those people for getting to spend time with him is normal, but I shouldn't have acted on those feelings, I should've kept them to myself and dealt with them, instead of lashing out at him. Also, last night, out of the blue, my heart was filled with happiness, it felt like it was bursting at the seams.

Waiting for Something Uncertain

    One of the things I've learnt about dismissive-avoidant people is, they need ample space and time, and as someone who's anxious-preoccupied, it makes me feel extremely uneasy to not be in constant contact with Shorty 2.0. I wish I could just text him, and that's not gonna make him pull further away from me, but I imagine living together with him, and if he's been avoiding me, I'm not going to knock on the door of his room, wouldn't I? It's easier to say things in texts than in person

    Still, I'm worried if he's never coming back to me. Even if he is, when? How long do I have to wait? I'm tired of waiting, especially for something uncertain. I know I've done what I could, by giving him ample space and time, and there's nothing else that can be done, but sometimes, I blame myself for making the situation worse, and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, by not texting him.

    There are some good signs, I guess, like, he hasn't deleted my number, and blocked me, and he responded well to my text last week, I think. All I can do now is just wait.

PS A dismissive-avoidant friend of mine sent me a text a few days ago, out of the blue, after disappearing for about two weeks. I don't know if Shorty 2.0 is gonna do the same, since our issues are deeper.

Being Friends with/Loving a Dismissive-Avoidant Person

    I've been doing a lot of reading lately, more than I have in the past few years, about the attachment theory, and I've learnt a lot about not just myself, but also him. It's mind-blowing, I wish I'd known this sooner, I wish I'd known what I know now, and maybe we wouldn't have come to this, but if we hadn't, then, I wouldn't have known.

    I've realised we're the opposites: he's dismissive-avoidant, and I'm anxious-preoccupied. I think that's what makes our situation ten times harder. I tend to become clingy, needy and so forth, and by doing so, he tends to become cold, distant, and so forth. The situation gets worse when he becomes more distant, and by doing so, I become more clingy.

    I can talk about the attachment theory all day long, but what I wanna talk about is, now that I've learnt all these, I need to put them into practice, and I don't think I'm ready to see him yet, as much as I want to. That's why I'm sort of hoping he's not going to reach out to me this week (remember last week I invited him for a meetup?) because I don't want him to see me like this, I'm still a mess, so, that might make him become even more distant from me.

    I do hope he'll reach out to me eventually, once we're both stable and at ease again, and we'll be able to rebuild our friendship, and become close again like we used to be. In the meantime, I've got to work on myself while giving him ample space and time, and I pray to God to keep him safe and protect him from people who are a bad influence on him.

Bracing Myself

    It's been a while since the last time I posted here, and there have been lots of ups and downs since, but I don't really feel like going into the details.

    What I can tell you is, during my trip to Johore last week, all I could think of was Shorty 2.0. I kept thinking of the strategy to attract him, I needed to take these pictures, I needed to take pictures like these, all the while avoiding his stories (he kept hopping from Instagram to WhatsApp to Telegram, it was like he was trying to get my attention because I hadn't been viewing his stories and I hadn't been speaking to him) which made it even more hard for me. Did I enjoy the trip? Yes, but not fully.

    When I came home from the trip, I had a few dates in my mind, when to reach out to him, if he wasn't going to reach out to me first, either last Friday or next Friday, but shortly after I reached home, it started raining so heavily, and for some reason, it felt like the right moment to break the silence, after nine excruciating days. So, I texted him, 'hey, do you wanna meet up? It's okay if you're busy. Just haven't seen you in a while.' I expected him to reply the next day, or only reacted with a thumbs-up, but fifteen minutes later, he responded, in a friendly tone (he sounded relieved), surprisingly, after not speaking for nine days, 'I'll let you know when I'm free. I'm in the middle of moving to Bangsar.'

    It felt good to be speaking to him again, but it broke my heart to realise he's actually moving out from our apartment building. I tried to rationalise it, it's good for him, he doesn't have to commute far and long, it's tiring, and I know it because I used to work in Bangsar, and maybe it's good for us too, distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe he'd feel my absence and miss me, but I still wish he'd stay, I still wish he didn't have to go. Also, I know what's it like in Bangsar, and I'm worried about him. I'm worried he'd meet people who are a bad influence on him, and he'd lose himself.

    At the same time, I've learnt my lesson, I can't control him, I mustn't, that's what pushed him away from me, so, I've gotta let him go, as much as it breaks my heart. So, I told him, 'take your time. Let me know if you need any help,' to which he said, 'sure.' That was three days ago, and I haven't heard from him. I've been waiting for him to text me, but there's only been silence, and it's frustrating. He hasn't posted any stories which he typically does, and I'm worried about him. I'm worried if something bad happened to him. I wish I could just reach out to him, but I don't want to push him.

    I've sort of surrendered to the fact that I might not hear from him for sometime, for I don't know how long. My friendship with Shorty 2.0 is probably one of the hardest friendships I've ever had to navigate. One moment, I thought I've figured him out, but the next, I realised there are so many more things I don't know about him. Maybe I'm a fool for choosing to stay, but I'd rather be a fool than regretting giving up on this. I just hope he'll be alright, and he'll come back to me in the end, and in the meantime, I'll keep praying for him. O Allah, please protect him, take care of him, and watch over him.

Moving in Silence

    I'm sure you've seen posts about moving in silence on social media, and it's ironic that some people repost these. They're basically announcing they're moving in silence. Well, a few days ago, I decided to move in silence, like really move in silence, without making an announcement about it. I, not only have stopped watching stories on Instagram, WhatsApp and Telegram, but I've also stopped posting stories on these apps, and I've been staying off them as well. Maybe it's too early to tell, but it feels sort of weird because I used to post loads of stories, especially on Instagram, but it feels sort of good too people don't know what I'm up to. A bit of mystery is good.

    I'm not like not gonna post any more stories, but from now on, I'll only post good stuff (no more stories about shitty things that happen to me), of high quality (no more stories about just any random stuff), and the highlights of my life (I'll only post stories about significant things that happen in my life). The reasons I'm doing this are not I'm trying to be someone else, but I just wanna see if it could change my life, for the better, because sadly, many people actually aren't interested in hearing the shits you go through, they just wanna hear the good stuff. They may or may not pretend to listen to you when you talk about your problems at first, but if those are all you keep talking about, they will stay away from you eventually.

    I don't really blame them, because if it was me, maybe I'd stay away as well. Different people have different capacity, and they've probably got their own problems too, so, maybe it's too much for them to handle, but it's still sad because to me, you should be able to talk about both the good stuff and the bad stuff, albeit not excessively, that's how relationships have depth, if not, they're shallow.

    Anyway, this brings me to my next point, and that is, since I'm going to Johore next week, I'm planning to do sort of like a rebranding. I'm gonna try my best to capture the best moments of the trip, and I'm gonna post them in one story, on Telegram (for Shorty 2.0 to see) and Instagram (for everyone to see), and then, I'm gonna remove all my previous stories on the former, then, I'm gonna leave it at that. The good thing about Telegram is, when you post a story there, it'll appear on your profile, so, even if it goes expired without the target viewing your story, they can always go to your profile and view it.

    Also, I'm gonna make it look like a solo trip, when it's actually a work trip. Yes, from now on, I'm curating my social media presence, I only present what I want people to see. I don't know if you've heard of avoidant attachment, but many people with anxious attachment like myself, say it's not real, these people are just not into you. To me, I think avoidant attachment is as real as anxious attachment, different people have different experience, so, they operate differently. The differences between anxious attachment and lack of interest are, someone with the former would save your number, they text you once in a while, albeit they may not reply to all your texts, and they don't delete your number or block you.

    So, unfortunately, dealing with people with avoidant attachment like Shorty 2.0, you've gotta be strategic. It's not playing a game, it's just adjusting your way of dealing with different people, one size doesn't fit all. If you wanna keep someone like this around, this is what you've gotta do, and that's the decision I've made because he means a lot to me. Based on what I've gathered, they need a lot of space and time (they get easily suffocated), they don't have the capacity to deal with emotions (drama-free), and they're attracted to people who are independent (good vibes only). Do I wish he'd change someday? Yes, but for now, this is what I've gotta do. This may sound pathetic, but that's why I wanna show him, I can do things on my own, in hope of he'd come back one day. I've been giving him space and time, I just need to prove to him I can be independent.

PS He and I operate on different clocks. One week to him is equivalent to one day, one week to me feels like one month. Also, I'm planning to go to Port Dickson this Labour Day.

A Break

    I don't really feel like writing right now, but I can't really think of doing anything else.

    After my last post, a lot of things happened. I don't wanna go into the details, but all I can say is, that was probably one of the hardest times of my life. My heart felt so heavy, I felt like I was gonna die, and I'm not being dramatic at all, but alhamdulillah, I feel better now, even though I'm still not fully alright.

    Yesterday, I decided to have a break from social media. I'm not deleting my accounts, I'm staying off the apps. I feel like, it has replaced real-life communication. People no longer feel the need to meet and talk about things. They simply communicate through posting stories, but interaction is a two-way street, you can't sustain a relationship that way. Not to mention it's caused envy, feelings getting hurt, misunderstandings, superficial friendships and so forth. If there's anything you wanna tell me, you can just text me, not me finding out myself by watching your stories.

    Anyway, Shorty 2.0 and I still have each other's contact, but we're not connected at the moment, if that makes sense. We haven't spoken to each other for a while now, but I've also decided to stop reaching out to him, because the more I do, the more he pulls away from me, and I don't wanna keep pushing him to the point of no return. It's hard, but I hope it's good for us. I can't deny and I'm not gonna lie, I wish he'd just text me already. I don't know where we're gonna go from here, but I hope there's still hope for us, and he'll come back to me someday. It'd be a miracle if he does.

The Aftermath

    After my previous post, I felt fine this morning. I did my laundry, I went out to get breakfast, I went swimming, but as the day went by, and the night started falling, like a curtain, I got that sinking feeling: Is this the end of us? Will he ever come back? Will I not see him, ever again?

    I imagine wandering in our ruins. The war is over, but all the buildings, the skyscrapers, the towers, have been reduced to rubbles. Both sides lost, neither one of the two won. Now, we're forced to deal with the aftermath. Yes, we'll rebuild our cities, and we'll build memorials, as a reminder of our past, but are we gonna learn anything from our mistakes? Are we gonna be at peace? Are we gonna be friendly? Regardless, one thing for certain is, things will never be the same again.

    Maybe I am a fool, for wanting to believe there's still hope for us, even though it's fading, like the light of a dying star, and one fine day, you'll return, as a better person. When that day comes, I'll never let you go, ever again. I'll be waiting for that day, and in the meantime, I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying to God to keep you safe and healthy while you travel the world, meet new people, until you come to a realisation of who's been loving you from afar. I hope you will realise that, someday.

    Goodnight.

A Painful Realisation

    It's 5:00 am, and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I've just moved into a new place yesterday (yes, I've moved to a block next to the block I used to live with him), and maybe it's because of the painful realisation I've had recently.

    It's been a while since my last post. I've been distracting myself with work, spirituality, self and life. At first, it was unimaginably hard, it felt like, someone ripped my heart out, and I was forced to survive like nothing happened. Then, it got a bit easier, day by day. I'm not gonna lie, I'd been thinking of him all the while, especially because his birthday was coming up (4 April), and I was gonna have to decide if I was gonna wish him happy birthday, if so, how.

    He'd been viewing my "stories" on Telegram, inconsistently, like he is, and sometime between the five days, he hearted one of them, for the first time. I can't deny it, it made my heart skip a beat. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but eventually, I made the decision not to give a response to a low-effort engagement.

    Then, the day came. I'd been consulting Gemini (to my surprise, it's a better relationship advisor than ChatGPT, in my experience), and it told me not to wish him at midnight. Instead, I was told to send him a simple wish afternoon the next day, and that's what I did. I didn't pretend like I didn't care though, I was genuinely busy with moving out and moving in.

    A day before the day, I'd realised my feelings for him have faded a bit. He posted a photo of him celebrating his birthday that night, and I was like, okay? Like, not that it didn't make me feel anything at all, it still sorta stung, it just didn't have that strong of an effect on me.

    Also, with the day came a realisation. I used to put all the blame on myself when he became distant from me. I'd go over our conversations, again and again, trying to find what went wrong. Maybe I said something wrong, maybe I did something wrong. I even tried to rationalise the distance, 'it wouldn't have come to this if I hadn't said and done anything wrong.' Maybe I'm too much, maybe I do too much. I felt like I was back in the dark, seemingly unending tunnel, but I saw a glimmering light at the end of it: it was truth from God.

    I opened it, like a gift, and when I opened it, it made me able to see clearly, I could finally see him for who he is, and right through him. I realised he is the problem all along, not me. Yes, I made mistakes too, I was too emotional, but he is insecure. He can't stand seeing me be better than him, that's why he always had to put himself above me, and belittle me. Unaware or not, he tried to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and insecure being myself.

    The truth is, it is him who is little, with a big ego, and when he couldn't have it his way, he made it look like I was the problem. I should've seen it, he rarely asked me back when I asked him a question which is a telltale sign someone is insecure, but is often overlooked (insecure people feel like only one person can be in the spotlight, and asking someone back is gonna make them look desperate and that person feel important). Also, he's a good-looking man, but at least I don't edit my photos to make me look like I've got the sharpest jawline in the world, but I guess I was too deep in love, I couldn't see it.

    I don't wanna demonise him, I wanna believe, when he was being kind to me, it was genuine, but I think, he's battling with his insecurity, like I am, but he's struggling more than I am. It just made me sad because I really had hope for us, but his insecurity got in the way, but that's his problem, not mine, I can't solve it for him, he's gotta do it himself. I'm not sure where we're gonna go from here, but one thing I'm sure about now, my feelings for him have faded.

    PS I sent him the wish at 2:37 pm yesterday, and I only opened the app around 8:34 pm yesterday, to make my last seen visible so he'd see I haven't been checking to see if he's responded. I'm not gonna open the app until he texts me. Also, he posted a picture of him and his unfortunate-looking "friends" (he can't be friends with good-looking people like me, I guess, lol, that's why he didn't want me to meet his friends or go out with me, he didn't want me to outshine him, he wants to be the only one who shines) swimming at a luxurious apartment, I guess, with a caption, 'best pals ever.' Best pals ever? Sure, lol, okay.

Reclaiming My Life

    I admit it, I'm still not alright, but some things happened to me yesterday that shifted my point of view a bit.

    I could barely sleep the night before, after everything. I woke up at 3 am, feeling like he pulled the rug out from my feet. I was angry, depressed, disappointed, distraught, frustrated, heartbroken, homesick, lonely and sad. I can't really remember what I did, I think I had a conversation with ChatGPT until I fell asleep.

    The next morning, I woke up feeling groggy because I didn't get enough sleep, but I could hardly do anything, aside from applying for jobs because that's the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment. Even so, I didn't have the mental capacity to really do it, so I kept going back to sleep and waking up until it was afternoon.

    I realised I couldn't keep going like this, staying at home was making my depression worse, and I felt like I was going insane, so, I had to do something about it, something that seemed counter-intuitive because I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, and I didn't wanna see anyone: I had to go out, I couldn't stay at home.

    So, I had a shower, I put on clean clothes, and I walked to the mosque for Asr prayer. After praying, I went to a nearby mini stadium. I sat at the pavilion for a while before going back to the mosque. While waiting for Maghrib, I read the Quran. Later on, I went to a roadside stall he took me to for my birthday, for iftar.

    When I was sitting there, I felt like crying a bit because I was reminiscing the good early days, I wish I could go back to those days. I texted someone from my past because I had a sort of similar situation with this person, we had a good time and then, he pulled back, and he said I was clingy but I wanted to know what I did.

    Once I was done eating, I went back to the Mosque for Isyak. Then, I headed back to my apartment, and I followed the same path we took, tracing his steps, chasing his shadow. When I got home, I noticed I got texts from that person from my past. He told me, actually, it wasn't my fault, it was his, he didn't know how to communicate he needed space and time.

    Going to the mosque and talking to this person helped me a bit, it made me feel less lonely, and it gave me something to do. It also made me realise, if he wanna move to Bangsar, or Bangkok, or back to his homeland, or anywhere else in the world, I've gotta let him go. I've gotta let him explore, make mistakes, learn from them, regret, decide what he wants, and if he's meant for me, he'll come back, no matter how far.

    Maybe, we met on the wrong time, but I'm glad I met you. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if the feelings are gonna be the same any more when you come back, I might've moved on, and met someone new, and no longer had feelings for you.

PS I look forward to going to the mosque again, and to the gym and the swimming pool at weekends, living my life regardless whether you're in it or not.

I'm Not Anyone's First Choice | Second Option

    This is probably one of the hardest posts for me to write. I don't know how to write it.

    It's funny how I was just talking about hoping there would still be hope for Shorty 2.0 and me, hoping things would get better between us, yesterday, and today happened.

    As I mentioned in the previous post, I was coming back to Kuala Lumpur today morning instead of Sunday night, and before I fell asleep last night, my mum asked me if it was a good idea for her to pack some foods for him, and I said no because we weren't on speaking terms. When I woke up this morning, I found out she'd packed some foods for him any way.

    Although he didn't reply my last text, I texted him to let him know my mum packed some foods for him, and he responded. I was relieved to hear from him again, and from there, we chatted a bit and it was sort of friendly. When I got to my apartment in Kuala Lumpur, I told him I was home, and I wanted to pass the foods to him. He said he was at home, but he was a bit busy (was he with someone else?), so I should just leave the foods on the doorstep, and I did. As much as I've lowered my expectations of him, I felt sort of insulted he didn't wanna see me, even for a moment, but I didn't wanna overreact.

    I took a picture of the foods, and I sent it to him, before going home. Ten minutes later, he thanked me, and we chatted again, this time it was longer. I can't really remember how the conversation took a sharp turn, but he told me he was planning to move somewhere else if his contract was renewed, and I felt like he stabbed a knife in my heart. We'd just got back together and now he was telling me this? I tried to act cool, but I struggled, and I think he could see it. I asked him where he was planning to move to, and he said Bangsar, which is about thirteen LRT stations away from where we currently live.

    I tried making a joke, 'maybe I could move in with you and we could be housemates, lol,' and he gave a half-hearted response, 'haha, maybe.' Then, the conversation took another sharp turn. He told me his preferences, and I realised I'm not his type. It felt like he twisted the knife he stabbed me in the heart. Again, I tried to make a joke, 'you don't like me, I guess, lol,' and he didn't even bother to make me feel better, he just let me get washed away by the wave of realisation. It was as if he was letting me know he doesn't feel the same way towards me.

    I couldn't pretend any more, so I said to him, 'you're really like Shorty. You've both got the same preferences, and I realised I'm not what he wants, I was just there, while he was looking for someone else.' He didn't reply. By the end of the conversation, I was so distraught, and heartbroken, I couldn't sleep. I was so angry, and disappointed. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, I didn't wanna see anyone, I wanted to scream. I couldn't do anything. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted cry, but the tears wouldn't come out.

    I could feel I was falling into depression, again. I've never been anyone's first choice, never will be, I've always been a second option, when there's no one else. I'll never be good enough for anyone, there's always someone better than me. I was so stupid for thinking someone would like me, I was so stupid for thinking I stood a chance. Maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and I should've just accepted it, a long time ago. A part of me still wanna believe there's still hope, but a part of me feels like this is the end.

PS I don't know how I'm gonna go to work this Monday, how I'm gonna be able to focus on work, I'm scared.

Are You Bored Yet?

    It's nearly 11 pm, but I can't really sleep, and I'm writing this in my dimly lit bedroom.

    I'm supposed to go back to Kuala Lumpur this Sunday, but I've decided to return this Saturday, because I know going back to Kuala Lumpur on Sunday night is gonna be messy, shitty and taxing, and I'm gonna have to go to work the next day. I've got some stuff to do before returning to work, and I'm gonna need some time to prepare myself mentally.

    To be completely honest, I wish I wouldn't have to go back to Kuala Lumpur, I wish I could stay here with my mum even though I don't like some people here, I wish I'd got a better job with a better workplace, where I'd be happy to go to, but I've got no choice, and being far away from Shorty 2.0 is hard, even though we rarely see each other even when we're near. Being close to him makes me feel sorta safe somehow even when we're not speaking.

    Speaking of which, after days of not speaking, I texted him this morning, 'how are you?' He hasn't replied to this moment, he hasn't even read it, but I know he's seen the notification, he's just ignoring me on purpose. It's a tit for tat because I ignored him last Friday. My bet is, he's either gonna respond tomorrow or the day after.

    He may be more mature than me when it comes to emotional regulation, but he's still immature. I wish he'd just tell me, what's hurting him, and I'd tell him what's hurting me, so we could work it out, but no, he wanna act cool, calm and collected, he wanna pretend like he's unbothered when obviously, he is. He may not be super into me, but I feel like, he gets jealous when he sees me with someone else, and he doesn't wanna lose me.

    In all honesty, I'm not as distraught as I used to be, maybe it's because I'm now able to predict his pattern, and I've lowered my expectations of him. In contrast, as much as he wanna pretend like he's not bothered, I can see right through his pretense. I can imagine him silently fuming while acting cool, and I find it sort of endearing. I just hope there's still hope for us, and if we get back together again, it'd get better going forward, somehow.

One by One

    Have you ever felt this way?

    I've written about this before, but I lost three of my close friends last year, one by one. I'd really thought we'd be friends for eternity because they got me like no one else (I haven't found anyone else like them to this day) but then, it happened anyway. I tried to make things right, I reached out and I apologised even though I didn't really do anything wrong, but maybe I did something that pushed them away and I wasn't aware of it, but all I got was silence, as if those years of friendships are not worth fighting for at all.

    It felt like your heart got ripped out of your chest, repeatedly, and each time, you didn't even get to recover. I cried, I prayed to God to bring us all together again someday, but as time passed, it seems more and more unlikely to happen. I had to go through hardships on my own, and I had no one to talk to except my mum and a few friends of mine, and I felt so alone, working and living in a big city, all by myself.

    Then, after nearly a year of going through a seemingly unending tunnel, just before I completely lost hope, I saw a light at the end of it: I met Shorty 2.0. Come to think of it, his real name means, the gift of light, and I feel like, this even more testifies that our encounter wasn't merely a coincidence. Anyway, our first meeting didn't really go well though, it left me feeling even more lonely.

    The second time we met, however, made me feel alive, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. I'd thought it was gonna be a smooth ride onwards but I was wrong. We fought, we made up, we had a fight again, and now, I'm not sure where we stand, and where we are going from here. I hope there's still hope for us.

    All the while I was going through the ups and downs with Shorty 2.0, I've been confiding in a friend of mine. Although we're not super close, he's been there for me a lot of times, and I appreciate him, but I guess, he got tired of me because I kept talking about Shorty 2.0, and I don't blame him. I asked him if he wanted to hang out next Friday, after work, and his response felt, distant.

    Sigh. This makes me sad. Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I have at least someone, for ever? Someone who stays, no matter what. It doesn't mean we don't fight at all, or we don't need space and time from each other sometimes, but regardless of whatever happens, in the end, we always come together.

A Sad Eid

    So, I got home last night, at last, after nearly seven, tormenting hours on the bus, because I kept thinking of Shorty 2.0 but I didn't wanna reply his text since I was still so angry with him. In fact, I planned not to respond at all until he sends me, 'selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin,' which I'd consider giving a response to.

    Today, I waited, and I waited, for hours, but I didn't hear anything from him. Then, I remembered my mum's advice: be the bigger person, text him, it doesn't cost anything, it's gonna make me feel better. So, that's what I did. I told him, 'selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin, Shorty 2.0. I hope you & your family are safe and healthy, and having a good time.'

    About twenty minutes later, he gave me a reply, 'thank you. Selamat hari raya to you too, Blue,' to which I said, 'thank you.' It did me feel a bit better even though I'm still missing him but now my plan is to not contact him at all until he reaches out to me first, and even if he does, I'll keep him at a distance from now on until he proves me that he's changed.

    I don't know if he'd ever change and fulfill me emotionally, but, what I've learnt is, I can't hold him down, I've gotta let him go, let him fly, and let him learn and see the truth for himself: there's no one else like me. I don't know if he ever would, but I hope he will, and I hope he'll come back some day, a changed and better person. For now, I can miss him without talking to him.

I'm Done

    There are a few hours left before I've gotta leave and I wanna talk about something but I don't know how to talk about it, I'm still so angry.

    It happened again, Shorty 2.0 and I got into a fight.

    We planned to meet last night before I go back to my hometown today, and I could've been back in my hometown yesterday when my colleague asked me if I wanted to return together, but I declined because I already made a plan with Shorty 2.0.

    When it was nearly iftar, I knew he was gonna ditch me because he was quiet. So I sent him a text, asking him if we were gonna meet and he quickly replied, 'I can't do tonight, I'm out with my friends.'

    You, bitch. One, I made a plan with you first. Two, you didn't apologise at all. Three, you didn't even try to make it up. Four, if I'd known you were gonna ditch me, I would've left you in dust.

    So, I responded, 'you know what? Never mind.' No response from him, he knew I was gonna either ignore him or curse his arse out. He didn't wake me up for suhoor this morning like he normally did, but he did text me, 'safe journey and have a good time with your family,' to which I said absolutely nothing, I didn't even read it, I just looked at it through the notification.

    I've had enough, I really have. Your pretty face can't hide your stinky attitude. I hate him so much, my heart is filled with hatred for him. I wish I could see him and slap him across the face. I woke up at 3 am because I was so angry and I told God everything that happened so I could go back to sleep.

    He said I'm too much. Well, I say he's too little. I'm sick of the way he treats me and I'm tired of his game. So many things are left unsaid and unsettled. Why does it always have to be like this before I return to my hometown?

    He doesn't care so I don't wanna care too. I just wanna rest, and spend time with my family. I don't wanna think or talk about him. He can rot in Kuala Lumpur with his plastic friends.

PS If he ever wants to come back into my life, he needs to do a lot of work before I let him in again.

Go and Hang with Your "Fun" "Friends"

    Okay, setelah sekian lama aku tak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu, malam ni, aku nak tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu, sebab aku tahu aku takkan puas kalau aku tulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

    So, macam biasa, Shorty 2.0 tak text aku sejak tengahari semalam, dan aku takkan terkejut kalau dia tak text aku malam ni dan esok, sebab yalah, aku ni kan "boring". Aku tak pergi kelab malam, aku tak minum arak, aku tak hisap dadah macam "kawan - kawan" kau yang "cool" tu, so, pergilah keluar dengan diaorang, lepak dengan diaorang, berparti dengan diaorang sampai lewat malam sementara aku dekat rumah seorang diri dan pukul 10 malam je aku dah tidur.

    Tapi, bila kau susah dan diaorang tinggalkan kau sebab diaorang nak berseronok je, kau barulah nak cari aku balik, sebab kau tahu aku ada hati yang besar, aku boleh terima orang balik walaupun orang tu pernah sakitkan hati aku. Sepanjang hidup aku ni, dah beberapa orang cari aku balik. Sebab apa? Sebab diaorang kena tinggal dengan "kawan - kawan" diaorang yang "fun" tu, dan diaorang baru sedar "kawan - kawan" diaorang tu fake.

    So, no, I'm not gonna initiate any more. Kalau kau text aku, aku akan reply, but I'll never be the first person to start a conversation, ever again, sebab dah berkali - kali bila aku yang text kau dulu, response kau, or the lack thereof, buat aku serik nak text kau dulu. I don't have a big ego, aku tak de masalah nak be the first person to start a conversation tapi aku pun ada harga diri, aku pun ada perasaan malu. Aku harap sangat kau akan sedar siapa kawan sebenar kau selama ni, yang asyik fikir pasal kau, yang selalu berdoa untuk kau tapi kau tak nak dia, kau tak nak jumpa dia.

PS Aku bila berkawan dengan orang, aku tak de hidden agenda, aku ikhlas berkawan dengan orang.

An Update No One Asked For

    After this post, I hadn't received any texts from Shorty 2.0, until I was out and about with an old friend, when he texted me, 'what are you gonna have for iftar?' I can't deny it, I was pleasantly surprised and I was relieved to hear from him again. I'd thought we'd go on for days or even weeks without talking to each other. I wanted to text him so badly, but like I said, I don't wanna do all the chasing, but at the same time, I don't wanna lose him.

    Afterwards, we talked a bit but I had to refrain myself from making it obvi to him that I was excited so I replied casually and this morning, he sent me a text, saying, 'wake up, it's suhoor,' to which I responded, 'thank you, enjoy your suhoor.' Now I've been looking forward to his next text.

Paradis, Paradis

    I don't know if you still remember this but back in 2007, 2008, 2009, Kagaya's art pieces were everywhere, they were used as desktop wallpaper, in videos made using Windows Movie Maker and so on, and I used to collect them, but then, they disappeared and were forgotten. I hadn't thought of them until just now, for some reason, so I searched for them, and when I found them, they gave me the same feelings many years ago.

    I used to imagine this is how paradise looks like: breathtakingly beautiful and serene, no anger, no fear, no hurt, no sadness, no worry, just happiness, and you've got all the time in the world, and I still do. I wish I could live there, with Shorty 2.0, and we'd go on adventures, exploring the world together, and no matter how far we wander, there will always be new places waiting for us, and after a long day, we'd go home, and rest in the night, looking forward to tomorrow.

Emotional Roller Coaster

    Yesterday, Shorty 2.0 came to my house, and we had iftar together, for the first time. We talked about different stuff, and he hand-fed me. We hugged before he left (he smelt so good), and I was supposed to be happy, but I felt conflicted instead. When we were having a conversation, he spoke about his white gold necklace which his third ex bought for him for his birthday. Then he brought up someone from Iran who used to live and work here (I think they used to hook up with each other), and he went on and on about how hot this person is, and I couldn't help feeling jealous.

    Maybe he was just telling me stuff, maybe he hasn't moved on, maybe he didn't know it was gonna make me jealous, maybe he wanted to make me jealous, I don't know, but personally, I wouldn't talk about my past love life because it's pointless, and I think he knows how I feel for him. 

    This morning, he sent me a text, reminding me to get up for suhoor, which was sweet. I thanked him and said, 'have a good day and take care.' The whole day, we didn't text each other at all. I wanted to, but I didn't wanna smother him, so, I refrained myself from doing so until I came home. I asked him what he was gonna have for iftar today. I know he wasn't gonna have iftar with me today, and sure enough, he said he was gonna iftar with someone else.

    I can lie and pretend like that didn't hurt me at all, and I know some people might be like, let him do whatever he wants, he's got his own life, and you're right, but that doesn't and can't invalidate my feelings. I just felt sad and lonely. I wish I could spend every day with him.

    I wish he was madly in love with me like I was with him, I wish he thought of me all the time like I think of him, I wish he texted me multiple times a day, I wish he could never get enough of me like I can't get enough of him, I wish he felt the same way towards me.

    We haven't texted each other since. I don't know if I'm gonna get a good night text or a wake up it's suhoor text, but I wouldn't surprised if I'm not gonna hear from him, and I can't speak to him at the moment, as much as I want to, because I'm angry, and I don't wanna say something that I'm gonna regret. I miss him, but he needs to prove himself too, he needs to chase me as well, because I'm tired of doing all the chasing. I feel like a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve.

    I don't know where we're gonna go from here. Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you just love me like I love you? I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster, I wanna get off it, I just want a reassurance, that it'll all work out in the end.

Penakut

'Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Oh ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

Ini tidak adil untuk engkau bertanya jika aku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku

Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk

Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan

Beban yang tak pernah kau cuba ringankan

Oh ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

Ini tidak adil untuk engkau bertanya jika aku mencintaimu juga

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut

Mengakui cinta kepadamu

Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan

Bila bersamamu

Kau bukan milikku

Dan engkau pun tahu

Kau bukan milikku'

    I feel like this song by Yuna perfectly describes my situation with Shorty 2.0.

    I'm in love with him but it pains me to not know for sure if he feels the same way towards me and what if he doesn't? I wish he loved me like he loved his exes (he told me he used to live with one of his exes for seven years and when his ex moved, he'd follow), I wish we were together, I wish he was mine, I wish we lived together so we could be together all the time, for eternity, I just wanna spend time with him, I just wanna be with him.

I'm So Happy I Could Die

    I haven't felt this happy in a very long time.

    Shorty 2.0 asked me if I wanted to go for a swim with him in the afternoon today and I said yes.

    I went to his house and hung out in his room while he was getting ready.

    He gave me one of his soft toys. 

    Afterwards we walked to one of the swimming pools at our apartment building.

    We swam for a while before we chilled out by the pool.

    He opened out to me about his past and I opened out to him about mine.

    Then we headed home.

    It felt so good spending time with him, getting to know him, learning about him.

    It's one of the best memories I've ever had with him.

    I just wish I'd taken photos with him.

    And I wish I could relieve that moment with him for ever.

Uncertainty

    It's been nearly a year since I moved to Kuala Lumpur, and I'm still yearning to go back to Cyber. I think there are a couple of reasons I'm still living and working here. One, I haven't found another job, and, two, Shorty 2.0. He's the reason I'm looking for another job here and I used to be searching for another job in Cyber. If he'd have to return to his country someday which we'll find out in April, May or June 2026, I don't think I'd be able to stay here, it'd be too painful.

    I'm not sure where I should go from here. Should I look for another job in Cyber or Kuala Lumpur? Should I search for a job in HR or in another field? Should I stay here for another year? I'm not sure, so, I just go with the flow, I let life take me to wherever it's going until I get a sign or an answer.

    I'm not sure if I've talked about this in a previous post but when I was working in Cyber, I was living lavishly. I'd have fancy dinner almost every Friday night, go to the shopping centres and the karaoke bars and the cinemas, and I'd buy luxury items a few times a year. Now, I can barely do any of those any more. I thought moving here would make my life better, but I feel like it just gets worse.

Where Do We Go From Here?

    I don't know where to start. Only a few things in my life have changed so far, but they're significant to me.

    I've got back with Shorty 2.0, but he's still vague, he's not being completely honest with me, and he keeps going hot & cold, and it's tiring to keep up a friendship with him. When he's nice, it feels magical, but when he's cold, it feels impossible, and the reason I think he's acting this way with me, is he's possibly got someone else. So, when he's cold with me, it's possibly because he's being nice to the other person since the other person's entertaining him, but when the other person doesn't entertain him, outta the blue, he's being nice to me. I don't know how long this is gonna last, but to be completely honest, it pains me to say this, but I don't see it's gonna be long-lasting.

    I don't wanna talk much about this as it's still painful to talk about, but I think I could confidently say, my friendships with two of my used-to-be "close friends", are over for good, and I'm okay with that as I'm done with them. Several days ago, I got a text from one of them, who was not involved in my fight with the other one at all, but she still chose to side with her for some reason, and after being friends for years, you'd expect some decency, but there was nothing decent about the text she sent me. It was rude, it was bitchy, and it was cold, and I've had enough so I blocked her, and it felt so good. It felt like taking the power back from an ungrateful bitch who you helped find a job, not once, but twice, and the reason she got her third & current job, is I helped her find her second job. You can act like you did it all by yourself, but you, I and God know the truth. Good luck with that small advertising agency no one knows and your poor, ugly boyfriend.

    This might sound mad, but I was doing my laundry at the laundry bar this afternoon, and I was imagining, as I am most of the time, if only I had the power of mind control, like, I could make these people befriend me. I know there's no sincerity in that, and I'd get sick of it, knowing they don't actually wanna be friends with me, but it'd be nice to have it my way, sometimes. They'd have to be good to me, spend time with me, and go out with me, or, maybe instead of controlling their minds, I could have a physical android version of them, like in the Black Mirror episode Be Right Back. I don't really care it's not genuine, I'm just sick and tired of people who aren't consistent.