Moment of Truth

    So, tomorrow's the moment of truth. I'm gonna find out whether I'm gonna get paid and receive good news about my job interview or not. I don't have a high hope but I still hope. This does make me sorta anxious but I'm trying to calm myself by thinking of things that make me happy. Thank God I still get to work from home at the moment, I really don't feel like going back to the office. It's just, it's been unpleasant there and I feel like, going back to office is gonna give me a bad, weird energy.

    Anyway, speaking of things that make me happy, I ordered this pair of yellow Chuck 70 this morning.

    I'd been looking for a pair of yellow shoes, in the right shade because Converse like to make trainers in, in my opinion, ugly, weird shades and although I've already got one, I just love them too much, I'm not willing to wear them so these would be a good alternative. 

    This Saint Laurent T-shirt. It is so good.

    This Loewe T-shirt too. My previous crush has one and although I don't have a crush on him any more, I can't deny, he did inspire me to get this T-shirt because it's pretty iconic.

    Last but not least, this Givenchy T-shirt. It's the green shark locks for me.

Bored and Nothing to Do

    So, I feel a bit better now than I did a few days ago but now I'm bored and I've got nothing to do. I'm just waiting for this Friday, hoping I'll get paid and receive good news regarding my job interview last Wednesday. I can't really think of anything else to do in the meantime, I've played this one game again and again and now I'm tired of it. Times like this make me wish I could fast forward.

Updated Wish List (From 20/02/22)

    Back in 20 February 2022, I listed out the things I wanted and I've never really forgotten about it but I've moved on to new things. So, I thought it'd be fun to go through them and give an update.

1. Mole removal (Got three of them removed from my face, two in my nose, one in my chin and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made, I no longer feel self-conscious to take off my glasses and take pictures of myself, you can barely see the scars now)
2. Zara oversized denim jacket in blue 
3. Zara linen shirt with stand-up collar in beige 
4. Converse Classic Chucks high-tops in green (One of my most treasured pair of shoes!)
5. Zara striped T-shirt in green
6. COS slim short-sleeved mock neck T-shirt in black
7. COS oversized short-sleeved T-shirt in green
8. IKEA MALM double bed in white
9. River Island skinny jeans in blue
10. River Island sleeveless top in black 
11. Topman skinny jeans in black 
12. Braces (ongoing treatment) (Got them removed last year, after more than three years of wearing them. Also one of the best decisions I've ever made, I'm more confident with my smile now)
13. Versace Medusa combat boots in black/lilac (Believe it or not, I got them! In black, after more than two years of waiting!)
14. Jacquemus Le Baneto camera bag in green (Don't really want it any more)
15. Converse x Miley Cyrus platform Chucks high-tops in blue (Not a top priority but am still on the lookout for them)
16. H&M oversized sweater in blue
17. Zara cropped slim jeans in blue
18. BCBG MAX AZRIA Upas cape jacket in black (Don't really want it any more)
19. River Island T-shirt in white
20. adidas running shoes in black
21. G-Shock Rangeman watch in pink (Replaced with Versace Icon watch)
22. H&M trousers in beige (greige)
23. H&M shirt in navy
24. H&M grey joggers
25. Blazer in navy (maybe in pinstripe and one in grey check as well)
26. Fisherman sweater in khaki/grey
27. Flat top/military/patrol cap in khaki
28. Mesh T-shirt with white striped sleeves in black
29. Harrington jacket in navy
30. Tank top in green
31. Pea coat in navy
32. Philips fabric shaver
33. Philips epilator
34. H&M trousers in navy
35. Versace Eros eau de parfum (and Versace Eros Energy eau de parfum!)
36. Versace ring in silver/gold
37. Versace thong in black
38. Driving licence (Never thought I'd pass it because it was a nightmare but I did, two years ago!)
39. New phone (iPhone 15)
40. New computer (HP Pavilion/Victus) (My mum bought me an HP Pavilion laptop!)
41. SPANX sculpt T-shirt in white
42. SPANX scult boxer briefs in white

All Time Low

    I'm angry. I'd been expecting I'd receive good news today, a light at the end of the tunnel but I got absolutely nothing. Zero. I made several phone calls, sent an email but to no avail. I'd been waiting for this, I'd thought I'd found the way out, an escape from my current situation. Some people might say, let's see what tomorrow brings, and yes, I can't wait to see either, but still, I hate being in uncertainty, it makes me anxious, like, what if there wouldn't be any good news tomorrow either or the day after?

    If anger spreads like wildfire, then anxiety spreads like virus. I start questioning everything. Myself, my worth. How could my crush follow ugly, fat people but not me? I feel fat and ugly even though I've lost some weight. I feel like I'm not good enough and I'll never be good enough. For your information, I've unfollowed him because he annoys me but I've still got a crush on him.

    I feel bitter and pathetic. I sneer at the people he follows. I envy them for being able to buy stuff from Prada, Balenciaga, Loewe and whatnot. 'Oh, I've got no sense of fashion or style at all, let alone a look but I'm invited to KLFW aka the clown convention and I purchase the latest and trendiest items in shop. All of a sudden, I'm so "fashionable" and "stylish" even though they don't go together.'

    So I created an account on a dating app, pretending to be him. I'm not sure why I did that, certainly not to catfish someone because I'm not interested in anyone else at the moment. Maybe to get his attention, to get him noticed me, somehow and to make him pay it back for not following me back, to teach him a lesson even though he'll probably never know me. Yeah, I feel like I'm going insane.

Happy Birthday to Me

    I don't really feel like writing actually, but it's my birthday, so I feel like I've gotta write something.

    I wish I had got my pay so I could at least reserve the Fendi bag first, if it's still available, if not, I'd go for the Versace T-shirt instead and cheer myself up a bit.

    My family did give me a lot of money which I've used to pay last month rent and my friends also did throw me surprise and treat me and I am thankful for everything. It's just, it's hard to be positive when you're in a sticky situation.

    I was called for an interview a few days ago and I'm really hoping I'll get the job. I'm supposed to hear back from them next Monday and I'm so anxious waiting for the result. I don't really wanna talk about this because it just makes me upset but the place where I currently work at, I'm not sure what's going on but they hadn't paid the staff members their last month salary so clearly they've got a financial issue for some reason and I'd be a fool if I stay.

    So, yeah, that's the situation I'm in at the moment and it just sucks. I really got outta one bad situation, only to get into another. It's ridiculous. It's crappy. I feel like I got played. It's embarrassing, it's a lot of emotions and it messes you up. I feel like screaming because I'm so angry, like, are you kidding me right now? I really thought I'd found the way out but it was a trap.

    Anyway, happy 31st birthday to myself.

Ugh, Can't Wait

    So, inshallah, gaji aku akan masuk on 31/01 (hopefully aku akan dapat banyak duit untuk birthday aku next Saturday, hehehe) and I just can't wait to get things off my wish list. To be completely honest, I'm more excited about the Versace T-shirt than the Fendi bag but I'm just worried someone else would snatch the latter first before I do. If only I get like RM5,000 this month, then I could buy both things and just focus on getting the Versace sunglasses and my Balenciaga bag restored.

    A few other things I'd love to have this year are the Versace belt and a Coyote Jocks bodysuit. I do wanna get a Swarovski ring, a pair of Versace jeans, a Versace watch, a Versace ring, a Versace Shirt, a Versace hoodie, a pair of Versace sandals, a Versace thong, two Versace fragrances, one Saint Laurent fragrance and a pair of Junya Watanabe boots as well as well but they're not my top priority at the moment (if you can't tell, yes, I am a big fan of Versace).

    This whole process might take me four to six months.

Escape from the Reality

    I think I've talked a number of times in this blog about how I grew up in poverty, hence why luxury shoes, bags and clothes are my outlet, a fantasy, if you like because I couldn't afford them in the past, the thought of getting them didn't even cross my mind so getting them now sorta, I don't like this term but for lack of a better term, heals my inner child.

    Obviously, I'm still not at the point where I can just make a purchase without having to save or worry about money. That's the reason, one, I don't go for upper luxury brands like Chanel and Dior (plus, I'm not as into these brands as, for instance, Versace), and two, I go for things that go on sale (that doesn't mean I buy things simply because they're on sale though, I buy them because I love them) and "pre-loved". If I'd got a lot of money, I would've purchased the Prada medium leather handbag which is priced at RM13,000 or the Fendi medium soft By The Way bag which price is RM11,000.

    Anyway, I've been in a stressful situation for quite sometime (it's better at the moment now that I get to work home which means I don't have to wake up super early, travel far to go to work and deal with people) so I've been coping with the stress by distracting myself with luxury things. One of them is by watching Cassie Thorpe. I've admittedly sorta got a love-hate relationship with her for a number of reasons but she's the only YouTuber I don't get tired of and I've been watching her since 2021. I get excited every Monday, Wednesday and Friday because those are the days she posts a video on YouTube at 9:00 pm.

    Another coping mechanism of mine is, having something to look forward to which drives you to keep going. I just can't wait to get the Fendi bag, the Versace T-shirt, sunglasses and my Balenciaga bag restored. Pay day is about two weeks away but I'm already calculating how I'm gonna spend my salary this month.

From One Bad Situation to Another

    This is hard for me to talk about. I feel like crying.

    So, it's only been a week since I started working at this new place and I already feel like giving up. The work is harder than I thought it'd be and the environment there? I dare say, it's more toxic than my previous workplace. What makes things worse is, some of the staff members are rude. I'm already struggling to adjust to the commute and the work and the surroundings and the schedule and having to deal with these people isn't helping, everything is driving me mad.

    The only thing that sorta consoles me a bit is the fact that I had no choice. Previously, I had to resign because my superior wasn't gonna renew my contract because she hates my guts and this time, this was the only job offer I received. So, I don't have any regret, I just feel like, I got outta from one bad situation to another.

    Frankly, this might sound materialistic but the only thing that sorta keeps me going is the money. I could make nearly twice the amount of my previous salary, if I reach the target so I could buy things off my wish list like the Fendi bag, the Versace T-shirt and the Versace sunglasses. Imagination helps me escape from the harsh reality for a while and keeps me sane too and I've gotta do what I've gotta do to survive.

    I don't have high hopes and I don't know how but I still hope things will get better somehow, for the sake of my sanity.

With a Heavy Heart, Again

    Actually, hari Khamis minggu lepas, aku balik hometown aku sebab aku homesick gila nak mampus. It feels good to be with my mum, to be home even though I feel bad about having to buy the flight tickets with my mum's money but now I'm going back there sebab esok aku dah nak mula kerja dekat tempat baru tu. To be completely honest, I feel awful about leaving my mum and starting this new job, I feel sick to my stomach, I feel dizzy, I feel like throwing up. I'm constantly worried about her and I'm extremely nervous going this place. Kalau ikut hati, aku rasa macam nak tidur je dan aku nak work from home je supaya aku tak perlu pergi mana - mana, aku boleh bersama dengan mak aku.

    Tapi, aku tak de pilihan. Bak kata colleague lama aku, no choice. No matter how awful I feel, I've still gotta leave my mum and go to work. I feel like crying while writing this. Maybe, it'd get better in time, inshallah, when I've made friends and get acquainted with the surroundings. Being an adult sucks sometimes, or most of the time. Yes, you get money (but you've gotta work hard for it of course) which you can use to buy things that otherwise you can't own, you get to be "independent" but you've gotta deal with stuff on your own. You can't run from it and let someone else take care of it while you hide and rest, you don't even get time to recover, you've just gotta face it, like it or not. No one's gonna hold your hand and keep you company all the time and it can be very daunting and lonely.

Happy New Year, I Guess

    Aku bukanlah sejenis pick me atau I'm not like the others ke apa, tapi, mungkin sebab ramai orang pakat post happy new year dekat Instagram, aku jadi tak berminat. Plus, it's always been a sad night for me, dari dulu sampai sekarang. Usually, aku akan "sambut" seorang diri dekat rumah, sambil tengok orang buat countdown dekat TV dan lipat kain atau tengok bunga api luar tingkap. It reminds me I'm getting older and we're all getting closer to death and I'm losing my loved ones, especially my mum. That sounds very depressing, eh?

    Anyway, I do wish I had a lover who, you know, I can be romantic and sentimental with. Sadly, I haven't matched with anyone who I'm really interested in on Bumble and Tinder. What makes it worse, my crush tu sampai sekarang tak follow aku balik dan reply DM aku. I tried giving hints, by sporadically liking an old picture or a story dan aku tak tahulah kalau ni perasaan aku je (it probably is dan mungkin kebetulan je) tapi aku perasan, bila aku like gambar atau story dia, dia jadi rajin nak post tapi bila aku tak like, dia tak post apa.

     Lepas tu, aku adalah jumpa satu gambar dia dekat KLFW dengan dua orang gemuk ni. Aku follow dua orang gemuk tu sebab aku nak muncul dekat suggestion crush aku tu. Seorang tu remove aku ye lepas aku approve request dia nak follow aku balik (nasib baik aku ada ambil screenshot supaya aku ingat), as if aku tak cukup cool nak follow dia. Well, at least I don't look like you, I'm not fat like you and I don't weigh a ton like you. Kau turun berat badan banyak mana pun which I doubt will ever happen, you'll never look as good as I do.

    Yang seorang lagi, tak follow aku balik ye walaupun muka macam satu watak dalam comic Ujang tu. Kelakar, diaorang mesti rasa macam hebat sangat dapat pergi KLFW, ambil gambar pula dengan crush aku tu, but KLFW has always been a joke. It's pretentious, low budget and tacky. So, aku dah block dua ekor babi tu. Yang buat aku lagi menyampah, crush aku tu follow ye diaorang tapi tak follow aku balik. Kau rasa? Entahlah, aku pun makin menyampah dengan crush aku tu, dengan try hard nak join satu geng ni, like, I don't know what you're looking for.