Reflections over the Loo

    Aku tak tahulah orang lain buat benda ni ke tak but when I'm in the loo (preferably jamban duduk yang bersih, cerah, kering, luas, selesa dan wangi), I love to reflect my life, in my own sweet time. So, these are some of the reflections I've done today.

    One, I feel sad Ramadan is coming to an end even though so many shitty things happened to me in the beginning. I don't feel like going into the details but I'm just thankful everything's been sorted out and I managed to get through it, somehow. I myself am surprised I coped better than I thought I would, I've been more spiritual this month compared to the previous months and I hope I'll be able to continue to do so. Also, I've lost a little bit of weight as well but I've still got a lot to lose.

    Two, I've been anxious about my new job. I'm starting on 7 April. I really hope it won't be another trap and it won't be as toxic as my previous workplace. I just wanna work, make money, pay off my debts so I can move on to other things and focus on building a better life for myself and for my mum.

    Three, I'm also thankful I don't have a crush on anyone, for now, not even Syuqran and I don't even feel like dating at the moment. It sorta feels good because I hate having my feelings crushed again and again. I do still wish I had someone to talk to.

    Four, I don't look back any more, I just look forward to what life's got in store for me. I used to miss my foundation course days but I no longer do, in fact, I'm so glad I'm over it. Maybe my life's got better now, alhamdulillah, than it used to be and although there are still lotsa things to do.

PS This is probably one of the most memorable Ramadan in my life.

Alangkah Indahnya

    Wouldn't it be lovely if I had the money to get all the things I want, right now? I hate waiting. Waiting makes me anxious, like, what if someone got the bag first? I wish someone would be like, 'here, take this money and go and get all the things you want,' so I wouldn't be worried about those things being sold out.

    Unfortunately, my life's never been easy. I've always had to work hard to get what I want and oftentimes, I don't get what I want. It's sad but there's nothing else I can do about it so I've just gotta move on, now matter how much it pains me. Yeah, I'm not privileged at all.

And, There Goes My Dream Bag

    Baru je aku cakap pasal beg Chloe Paddington tu, tak lama lepas tu, someone snatched it. Rasa macam nak menangis je, but, there's another similar one on Vestiaire, and a variation of the bag, in the same colour, on Vestiaire as well, at the moment, so, maybe, there's a bit of luck for me, we'll see.

    By the way, now that I've seen the latter, I feel like I prefer it over the classic. The price is about RM3,000+++, ugh, which is a lot of money but if everything went smoothly, I could get the bag at the earliest either in July or August, inshallah. Again, we'll see.

Chloe Paddington Bag

    Aku mengaku, awal - awal, aku tak minat beg Chloe Paddington ni tapi lama - lama, aku jadi tertarik. Mungkin sebab aku jatuh cinta dengan beg Balenciaga Part Time aku tu so aku nak satu lagi beg macam tu juga. So, aku cari dan ada macam - macam warna tapi satu warna ni buat aku rasa macam, 'yes, that's the one.'

    You know I'm a sucker for slouchy, east-west bags and the colour is so good. Would you be surprised if I tell you it's actually blue? Yes, there's just a hint of blue and that's what makes it so good. It can be my Balenciaga Part Time bag's sibling.

    Apparently, it's a rare colour so there's only one on eBay and the price is like RM2,700. Sigh. I wish I could just buy it now before someone else does but I don't have enough money. Plus, I need to pay off some debts before I can start saving for it.

    I don't know if I'd get it but if I would, it'd be a miracle for me, after everything I've been through this year.

Angan - Angan Kosong

    Ada dua fakta pasal aku, aku suka berangan dan aku suka luxury fashion but unfortunately, ramai penipu yang aku pernah jumpa pun suka dua benda ni. Perbezaan antara aku dan diaorang, aku tak angan - angan kosong.

    Aku rasa aku pernah cerita pasal seketul makhluk ni dalam blog ni. Masa aku buat foundation course dulu, aku ada seorang classmate ni. Masa tu, aku tak de kawan so aku buat jelah kawan dengan dia dan makin lama aku berkawan dengan dia, makin aku sedar yang dia ni penipu.

    Macam - macamlah penipuan dia tapi antara benda yang dia menipu, ada kedai Chanel dekat kampung dia dan kampung dia dekat Mentakab. Lepas tu, dia ni dahlah pembohong, suka gebang, tak boleh tengok orang lain lebih daripada dia pula.

    Aku minat Converse sejak tahun 2009 and I've been collecting since 2010 (masa tu, sepasang RM119.90 je tapi considered mahal lah masa tu). Anyway, masa aku buat foundation course dulu, aku ada tiga pasang je dan aku tak pernah menunjuk pun tapi seketul makhluk tu kan insecure dan tak boleh tengok orang lain lebih daripada dia so dia pun nak compete dengan aku.

    So, dia pun buatlah cerita yang dia pun ada Converse juga tapi tak silap aku, aku tak pernah nampak pun dia pakai Converse. Kelakar bila ingat balik. Converse je pun, tu pun nak compete. Tulah, orang insecure ni, semua benda dia nak compete.

    Lepas tu, masa aku buat degree, aku jumpa seketul makhluk ni pula. Dia ni pun aku pernah cerita dalam blog ni. Dia classmate aku. Dulu, aku tak pilih kawan, aku kawan je dengan semua orang, dengan orang tak de kawan, buruk, gemuk, kampung. Big mistake. Awal - awal, aku okay je dengan dia tapi lama - lama, aku jadi annoyed dengan dia.

    Aku mengaku masa tu aku BBNU, baru nak mengenal dunia, dengan Zara pun dah macam wow. Dia ni pula suka pungpangpungpang pasal Chanel dan Dior (orang suka gebang suka sungguh dua brands ni dan Louis Vuitton for some reason, maybe these three are the only brands they know) tapi habuk pun tak de. Yang buat aku menyampah, dia pernah kata, 'Zara tu murah je.'

    Excuse me? Yes, aku tak kata Zara tu mahal gila nak mampus pun tapi dia buat macam Zara tu Padini padahal dia tak de apa pun dan dia tahu masa tu aku banyak shop dekat Zara.

    I'm so glad I'm no longer friends with these losers dan sekarang, kalau aku jumpa orang macam ni, memang aku akan menjauhkan diri. Aku cukup tak suka orang cakap besar tapi tak de apa pun.

Mixed Emotions

    I don't know what to write tonight but I feel like writing something.

    I'm having mixed emotions at the moment, I'm feeling sorta sad but thankful at the same time.

    I miss working at my previous workplace, I miss some of the people there but I don't regret resigning. It was my comfort zone but I know I needed to get outta it for a better life.

    I'm just thankful for how my life's got better compared to when I was young. I could never imagine being who I am now, where I am now and what I've got now. The dreams seemed so far away.

A Glimmer of Hope

    So, after everything I've been through for the past months, at last, there's a glimmer of hope, I hope. Hopefully, this won't be another disappointment, I just can't afford to be let down, again, I've been up against a brick wall and I've done everything I could.

    To be completely honest, I just wanna be debt-free so I can focus on building a better life for myself and for my mum. Hopefully, I'll be able to do that by this year. In all honesty, I don't even dare to hope, after everything I've been through, I've been let down so many times but I still believe in God and He's powerful over all things and hope is what keeps me going, despite everything I've been through. A hope for a better life.

Defeated

    Just when I'd thought nothing worse could happen to me, the worst thing happened. I crashed my brother's car a few days ago. I don't wanna go into the details because it was traumatic and I'm still recovering from it. I just look forward to better days, when I've got a job and money and I've got the car repaired, cleared all my debts and got all the things I want off my wish list this year.

    Yeah, I've been through a lot recently and the only word to describe how I've been feeling is, defeated. I feel like, one after another bad thing came down on me, like a ton of bricks, after I resigned from my job last year. There is a glimmer of hope, I hope. I've got two job interviews next Wednesday and although my heart feels heavy to leave my mum again, I know I need this, I can't think of anything else.

Ramadan

    I used to dread Ramadan and I couldn't wait for Eid but now I wish it wouldn't end. It's grown on me. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's the atmosphere but I get extra emotional during Ramadan, in a melancholic way. It makes me reflects myself and my life.

    Speaking of my life, yesterday, I had one of the worst days in my life. I don't feel like talking about it but I just still can't believe I'm home now and I'm thankful for that. Also, I'm grateful to people who were kind to me yesterday. I've been through a lot recently, it is sorta traumatising so I don't wanna go back there and work any time soon, I know I desperately need money but I really need sometime to rest and recover until I'm ready to face the world again.