Aqua Green

    Okay, aku mengantuk dan penat gila nak mampus sebab aku pindah masuk bilik aku hari ni so aku kena angkut banyak barang lepas tu aku kena unpack barang aku dan kemas bilik aku tapi nasib baiklah kelas esok tengahari. Sebelum aku tidur, aku ada benda nak cakap sikit.

    So, semalam, sebelum aku tidur, aku beli baju raya sebab mak aku suruh dan aku beli baju ni.

    Aku prefer baju lengan panjang dengan standing collar tapi aku tertarik dengan baju ni sebab warna dia. Bagi aku, warna dia refreshing dan aku tak ada lagi baju warna ni. 

    Dah alang - alang tengah shopping, I was like, apa kata aku beli baju Diesel tu sekali? So, aku belilah. Yes! Aku dah beli baju Diesel tu! I'm so excited but I'm kinda nervous at the same time selagi baju tu tak sampai lagi. I hope everything's gonna be okay.

    Anyway, I slept late last night because I was talking to Duck and he gave me some advice and support which mean a lot to me, especially coming from him. Pagi tadi, aku bangun, aku bersiap lepas tu aku pergi ambil barang - barang aku dekat rumah kawan aku. It was nice to see her, can't wait to go out with her again.

    Sebelum kitaorang bertolak, kitaorang stop by dekat Tesco kejap, nak beli barang keperluan. Saw some cuties, lol.

    Lepas tu, kitaorang baru bertolak. I must admit, I wasn't thrilled about going back to campus this time. I felt like I was being dragged to this godforsaken place but I acted cool because I didn't want to worry my family.

    Kitaorang sampai, aku masuk bilik aku dulu. Roommate aku dah ada. We talked a bit. So far, dia okay dan aku harap dia okay lah for the rest of the semester because I don't wanna have something else to deal with, I've already got a lot to deal with, okay?

    Lepas aku angkut semua barang aku, family aku bertolak balik and I started working right away tapi aku buat separuh saja sebab aku penat dan mengantuk so aku tidur dulu. Sebelum iftar tadi, I did the other half and now I'm done.

    Tadi, lepas aku solat Isyak, aku saja pergi blok Tally. Aku tahu bilik dia dekat mana so aku lalu depan bilik dia. Kasut dia tak ada tapi lampu bilik dia terbuka. Aku pun tak tahulah dia ada ke tak dekat bilik ke roommate dia.

    Okay lah, aku dah nak pergi gosok gigi. Goodnight.

PS I'm not excited at all about this semester tapi aku diam saja.

Glad but a Bit Disappointed

    So, aku sampai rumah abang aku petang semalam. Kalau ikut plan, malam ni aku dah bermalam dekat kolej tapi atas sebab tertentu, malam ni aku bermalam satu malam lagi dekat rumah abang aku tapi siang tadi aku dah check in lah dan esok aku baru bawa barang dan pindah masuk bilik aku.

    Anyway, aku sampai lewat tadi so aku agak terkejut orang masih ramai. Mula - mula, aku tak tahu nak pergi mana dan buat apa so aku tanya seorang staff ni dan dia suruh aku tengok name list. Aku pun tengoklah dan aku ternampak satu nama: Tally.

    Aku tengok dia duduk dekat blok mana. Dia dapat blok lain. Also, his roommate is someone I know. I must admit, walaupun perasaan aku dekat dia dah tak sekuat dulu, aku masih rasa kecewa dan jealous. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.

    Aku pun dapat blok lain. Aku agak kecewa aku tak dapat blok semester lepas sebab aku suka blok tu dan semester ni aku dapat bilik dekat basement so bilik tu agak gelap. Yang aku bersyukur, aku tak dapat satu blok dan bilik dengan seekor setan ni.

    Yang peliknya, masa aku tengok name list tu, aku tak ada roommate. Aku pun tak tahulah dia akan masuk kemudian ke macam mana. Aku cuma harap dia baik, sopan, respectful, tak bising, tak merokok dan tak bawa kawan dia balik bilik.

Trust Your Instinct

    Aku tak ada apa nak cakap sangat malam ni. Aku cuma nak bagi tahu aku akan bertolak balik sana esok pagi dan aku tak pack lagi barang - barang aku dan aku ada banyak nak kena buat. Entah kenapa aku tak bermaya and I've been like this more than a month now. Aku tak ada semangat but I need to complete my studies, tinggal satu semester saja lagi. To be completely honest, I can't believe I've made it this far. Masa first semester dulu, aku ingat aku takkan boleh bertahan tak sampai satu semester but I didn't have any other options so aku teruskan juga. It's been a rollercoaster ride. Not an entertaining one though. I've just been wanting it to stop so I could get out of it.

    One of the biggest lessons I've learnt here is, trust your instinct, seriously. If you get bad vibes from someone, run for your life. It's not you being cynical, there's probably a good reason you feel that way and in time, you'll see why. I made the mistake of not trusting my guts, I kept blaming myself for being cynical and I had to pay the price. Big price. The people I've been getting bad vibes from but I ignored the red flags and made friends with them anyway? They've turned out to be really bad and I really, really, really regret for ignoring the signs.

    Wanna know how to identify a bad person? First of all, look at their faces. Hati gelap, hati busuk, hati jahat akan terpancar dekat muka diaorang, no jokes. Their faces make you feel uneasy, tak buat kau rasa sejuk hati. Kau mungkin akan fikir, 'ish, judgemental nya aku ni, berprasangka buruk.' No, henny, it's God telling you through your moral compass. Lepas tu, tengok cara diaorang behave. Kalau diaorang suka mengata orang, well, they probably talk behind your back too. Also, orang jahat ni, are typically narcissistic. They love being the centre of attention, they love talking about themselves dan bila kau cakap pasal diri kau ke apa, anything but them, they'll turn the conversation and make it about themselves. They love making everything about themselves.

    Last but not least, kau takkan rasa fulfilled bila kau berkawan dengan diaorang. Kau akan rasa empty dan lonely. Kau mungkin akan tertanya - tanya kenapa kau masih rasa macam tu even though you're surrounded by "friends", you might even blame yourself like me, like, is there something wrong me? Aku ni terlalu memilih kawan ke? Aku tak bersyukur ke? Apa yang aku nak sebenarnya? I wish I'd known what I know now and that is, it's not you, it's them. Let me tell you something. When you spend time with good people, people who sincerely wanna be friends with you, you won't feel exhausted, you'll feel energised. You'll feel heard, like you exist because they listen to you.

    So, siapa - siapa nak masuk university atau dah dekat university, stop wasting your time on bad people and go and make friends with good people. I know it's easier said than done dan payah nak jumpa kawan yang baik but it's better to leave bad people before you get left by them and I'd rather be alone than keeping bad company, at least you don't have to deal with their bullcrap dan rugi dan tenaga saja dengan orang macam ni sebab in the end, they'll always stab your back and don't even bother trying to change them, they won't, trust me. Kalau dah hati busuk, sampai mati pun hati busuk lagi.

PS Tadi aku pergi Tesco (Lotus's) and I saw two cuties. They're my type, you know, nerdy, pakai spek, tak tinggi sangat, tak kecil sangat, tak besar sangat, tak kurus sangat. Nothing happened, we just made eye contact and went about our days but it's good to know there are attractive people in this godforsaken place. I wish I could talk to them though.

Feeling Blessed

    Aku tak tahu kenapa tiba - tiba tangan aku cramp malam ni dan aku benci bila aku cramp sebab aku rasa macam tak boleh buat apa - apa, nak tidur pun tak senang.

    Anyway, result keluar pagi tadi. Aku ingat result keluar malam tadi so aku pun tunggulah sampai pukul 12 depan laptop aku tapi bila aku check, tak ada pun. Aku tahu pun lepas aku tanya classmates aku. So, aku pun, tunggu apa lagi, aku terus masuk bilik tidur tapi aku tak boleh tidur sampai pukul empat atau lima entah sebab aku nervous gila nak mampus.

    Aku bangun, first thing first, aku terus check. Berdebar tu tak payah cakaplah, aku dah cuak aku akan fail satu subject ni because of that incident. Alhamdulillah, aku lulus semua subjects. Ada satu subject tu grade rendah so CGPA pun aku turun tapi aku tak terkejut pun sebab subject tu payah gila nak mampus dan aku lemah subject tu, aku tak faham apa yang aku belajar. Nevertheless, aku bersyukur CGPA aku masih okay dan aku rasa lebih bersemangat nak sambung next semester.

    Aku ada banyak benda nak kena buat esok, sebelum aku nak kena balik sana hari Jumaat ni dan aku harap aku sempatlah settle semua benda tu. Aku tak nak aku balik sana dan benda - benda ni tak settle lagi sebab once aku sampai sana, aku nak kena deal dengan macam - macam benda lain pula.

Petty & Shallow

    Sekarang dah pukul 12 lebih dan aku tak tidur lagi. Aku bukan tak nak tidur tapi ada banyak benda bermain dalam fikiran aku.

    Hari ni, aku kena lalui ujian QTI tu dan aku punya gelabah (mungkin sebab aku study last minute) sampai aku tak boleh berapa tidur semalam so aku bangun lewat jugalah pagi tadi tapi nasib baiklah aku sampai awal. Thank God, hari ni aku dapat cikgu lain dan cikgu ni baik, tak macam cikgu hari tu dan alhamdulillah, aku lepas. Sekarang tinggal ujian JPJ saja lagi dan kalau aku dapat lesen P, aku takkan percaya because I didn't think I'd get through this.

    Mula - mula, aku agak syok tapi lepas tu, aku baru teringat, result semester ni keluar malam esok. Aku jadi gelabah balik. Aku tak tahu malam esok aku boleh tidur ke tak walaupun kemungkinan besar website akan crash sebab ramai orang nak tengok result diaorang so aku plan nak tidur dulu dan keesokan pagi aku baru tengok result aku.

    Ya Allah, aku tahu aku telah melakukan banyak dosa tapi tolonglah hambaMu ini, aku sangat memerlukan bantuanMu dan hanya Kau saja yang boleh membantuku.

    By the way, ada satu benda yang annoy aku. Tally tak approve request aku nak follow dia dekat Instagram lagi sampai sekarang dan aku tengok dia online saja dekat LinkedIn. Aku jadi menyampah dengan dia. Lepas tu, ada seorang lelaki ni, handsome so aku request nak follow dia. Aku tengok aku kena request sekali lagi. Aku ingat aku lupa nak tekan ke apa so aku request sekali lagi and again, aku tengok aku kena request sekali lagi. Kiranya, dia decline wei request aku. Nak kata kau seorang yang private, follower kau sampai 600+ tapi aku nak follow kau, kau reject kau.

    Ni lah antara benda - benda yang buat aku benci pasal Instagram. It brings out the worst in people. People on Instagram can be so petty and shallow. Tak ramai orang nak mengaku pasal ni tapi semua kisah pasal follower-following ratio diaorang. Semua nak nampak followers diaorang lebih ramai daripada following diaorang, nak nampak macam diaorang popular sebab kalau following lebih sikit daripada followers, tak cool lah. Tu tak termasuk lagi kawan sendiri tak follow balik kau which clearly shows your "friend" isn't interested in you.

    Aku menyesal juga buat Instagram sebab dia bagi aku unnecessary stress tapi mungkin ada hikmahnya yang aku tak nampak lagi buat masa sekarang.

Strong Current Under the Calm Water

    Esok, aku ada QTI, Rabu minggu depan, result semester ni keluar dan Jumaat minggu depan, aku bertolak balik sana dan aku tak study lagi untuk QTI, aku tak tahu result aku semester ni nak jadi macam mana, aku takut gila dan aku tak bersedia nak balik sana lagi. Allah saja yang tahu betapa stressed out nya aku. Ya Allah, tolonglah hambaMu ini.

    Siang tadi, abang aku belanja aku buat manicure. Alhamdulillah, semua staff situ baik dan sekarang kuku aku berkilat. Lepas tu, abang aku seorang lagi bagi aku duit raya. Sebenarnya, aku dah ada cukup duit nak beli baju Diesel tu tapi sekarang tak ada sale lagi dan aku rasa macam tak berbaloi bayar mahal - mahal untuk baju tu. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak saja beli baju tu sekarang tapi aku rasa, for now, aku simpan dulu duit aku, mungkin aku nak kena guna duit tu untuk benda lain.

PS Aku jadi makin tak ada hati dekat Tally. Aku request nak follow dia dekat Instagram tapi dia tak approve aku pun. Aku follow kawan dia, kawan dia request nak follow aku balik padahal kawan dia lagi popular dan hot (tapi bukan type aku) daripada dia.

Lepas tu, ada satu malam tu, aku chat dengan seorang lelaki ni. Aku ingat kitaorang get along tapi lepas tu, dia stop chatting dengan aku. Aku ingatkan dia disconnected ke apa tapi rupa - rupanya, dia block aku. Sedih.

Jangan Jadi Kampung Sangat, Boleh Tak?

    Aku tak ada apa sangat nak cakap malam ni cuma aku nak recap sikit apa aku buat hari ni.

    So, macam aku cakap semalam, hari ni, aku pergi hospital. Alhamdulillah, everyone was nice to me. Aku puas hati dengan service dekat hospital ni (obviously, ni bukan hospital kerajaan, lol). Bagi aku, berbaloi aku bayar beratus pun.

    Lepas tu, abang aku bawa aku dan mak aku pergi makan dekat satu shopping centre ni. Okay, hari ni, aku pakai Mango houndstooth shirt in black and white, Topman skinny jeans in black dan Dr Martens Molly boots in black. Aku memang dah lama nak pakai baju Mango tu tapi tak ada peluang so when I saw the opportunity, of course I took it.

    Yang buat aku agak annoyed hari ni, masa kitaorang pergi makan dekat shopping centre tu, orang pakat pandang aku. Aku bukan annoyed sebab diaorang pandang aku, nak pandang, pandanglah, I know I look good and I know I'm one of the best dressed in this town and I'm comfortable in my own skin tapi yang buat aku annoyed bila dah pandang aku lepas tu jeling dekat aku. Okay, aku tahulah you wanna look like me tapi kau tak mampu, kau mampu jeling sajalah.

    Lepas tu, mak aku nak pergi tandas. Aku pun temanlah dia. Masa aku tunggu dekat luar, ada seorang perempuan ni langgar beg aku. Aku macam, ??? Jalan punya besar, nak kena langgar beg aku juga? Motif sangat. Dengki sangat. I swear to God, orang sini, they are capable of doing harm to you semata - mata sebab you dress better than them, I'm dead serious, I'm not joking. Nasib baiklah bukan beg Versace ke apa but I still love that bag. Lepas tu, ada seorang perempuan ni, dia pun tengah tunggu juga dan dia pandang slack gila dekat aku, macam aku ada hutang dengan dia, lol.

    I don't care orang nak kecam aku ke apa tapi ni lah perangai orang kampung dan sebab ni lah aku benci orang kampung. Diaorang tak boleh tengok orang lain lebih daripada diaorang and they're so insecure. Masa aku duduk dekat sana, tak ada pula orang buat perangai macam ni. Orang sana mind their own business. I'm not saying orang sana lebih baik daripada orang sini, orang sana pun ada juga perangai annoying tapi aku tak boleh tahan dengan orang berhati busuk. Dulu, aku pun grew up in poverty dan aku pun nak apa orang lain ada yang aku tak ada tapi aku tak pernah pula tak puas hati tengok orang lain lebih senang daripada aku. Instead, I promised myself I'll work hard so I'd have a better life.

PS I know I sound angry in this post but I'm not, I'm okay, I'm just annoyed.

Bitch

    Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur because it's already late dan esok aku nak kena pergi hospital tapi aku nak cakap pasal satu benda sebelum aku tidur.

    So, semalam, masa aku buka Instagram, aku tengok Tally buat account dia public. Aku terkejutlah sebab sebelum ni, account dia private. Aku pun tunggu apa lagi, aku terus download lah gambar - gambar dia, hahaha. Tak banyak pun gambar dia. Lepas tu, aku dapat satu idea. Apa kata aku buat fake account dan aku follow dia so nanti bila dia buat account dia private balik, aku boleh terus stalk dia.

    Aku pun buat lah satu fake account tapi aku tak guna gambar orang lain ye, aku guna gambar yang aku ambil sendiri tapi aku tak tunjuklah muka aku lepas tu aku follow dia. Aku adalah follow beberapa orang artis nak bagi account tu nampak legit.

    Pagi tadi, aku bangun, aku check lah dia dah buat account dia private balik ke belum. Guess what? Dia remove aku wei. I was like, 'bitch.' He's so petty, man. To be completely honest, aku dah tak berapa ada hati dekat dia pun sebab aku ada jumpa orang lain lagi elok dekat LinkedIn dan bila dia buat macam ni, makin kurang perasaan aku dekat dia tapi aku saja buat account lain dan kali ni aku tunjuk muka aku. Aku nak tengok dia nak approve dan follow aku balik ke tak. Kalau tak, I'm done with his ass.

Every Day I Try to Look My Best Even Though Inside I'm Such a Mess

    Tinggal seminggu lebih saja lagi sebelum result semester ni keluar which is nerve-racking because I don't know how I fared this semester dan aku kena balik campus. Not to mention, 20/03 ni aku ada QTI so aku kena study. To make matters worse, aku tak buat lagi CV untuk application internship. I'm a mess and my life's a wreck. I wish I had another month of break or better yet, I wish the time would stop because I haven't fully recovered from this semester, I'm still drained and dealing with the aftermath of my mental breakdown. I wish I could rest until I'm ready to face the world again but that's not possible so I need to get myself together in a short span of time and I don't know how I'm gonna do it.

    On a positive note, yesterday, my brother took me out and my mum for lunch so of course I saw the opportunity to wear the H&M oversized mesh T-shirt in pink I bought the last time I went out with my friends and I took it. I wore it with my River Island skinny jeans in light blue and Dr Martens Molly boots in black. It is easily one of my top looks and it felt good to dress up after a while. Some kids glared at me and gave me the side-eye which I found amusing because they tried so hard to look unbothered like they're cooler than me so they don't care about me but they were clearly bothered, lol.

     Anyway, I ran into my old co-worker and to my surprise, we had a rather lovely conversation. He asked me how I'm doing and I asked him the same question. He's married and he's got a child and he's buffed up. I think he wanted to talk more because there was a moment of silence and he was just staring at me but his wife was waiting for him and I didn't wanna keep her waiting so I said bye. I guess he was surprised to see me well alive and obviously, I've changed and I look different now.

I Miss You

    Aku ada banyak benda nak cakap tapi aku malas nak tulis malam ni so aku akan tulis pasal satu benda saja sebelum aku lupa pasal benda ni.

     So, semalam, aku mimpi pasal Nick. It was a weird dream. Aku dan keluarga aku menginap dekat satu hotel ni dan ada kitaorang saja dekat situ dan Nick macam housekeeper hotel tu. Then, I found out Nick had been spying on us so aku mengamuklah dekat dia. The next morning, aku lalu depan bilik dia. Pintu bilik dia terbuka dan aku nampak dia tengah tidur. Aku rasa bersalah so aku minta maaf dekat dia dan dia pun minta maaf dekat aku. Aku dah tak berapa ingat tapi yang aku ingat, aku ada mesej dia dan dia balas. Lepas tu, aku terbangun.

    Entahlah tapi bila aku bangun, aku rasa sedih. I wish it was real, I wish we were still talking. I know he's married and if it's true, I should respect his marriage. Not that I've been trying to reach out to him, dia pun dah lama tak online, mungkin dia pun dah berubah. Like I said, the last time I talked to him, I felt like I was talking to a different person, it wasn't the same person I used to talk to any more but at the same time, I admit I've still got feelings for him. I miss him, I miss the time when we used to chat for hours. I wish I could go back to that time, I wish things were different.

I'm Free (For Now)

    Okay, so, hari ni hari terakhir kelas memandu aku and I feel so free. In fact, aku lebih rasa bebas daripada masa semester ni habis tapi aku masih ada QTI dan ujian JPJ but I wanna savour the moment while I can (like I said in the previous post, I've got lotsa things to do), I wanna party so hard tonight.

    By the way, I met some cuties again but expectedly, nothing happened. Aku cuma nak cerita pasal seorang ni. Ada satu pagi tu, ramai jugalah orang berkumpul dekat satu tempat tunggu ni. Masa aku tengah tunggu, tiba - tiba, ada seorang lelaki ni datang. Dia agak macam Tally tapi Tally lagi eloklah dan dalam banyak - banyak tempat, dia duduk sebelah aku. Mungkinlah dia duduk saja dekat mana - mana seat kosong. Aku ingat nak sembang dengan dia tapi tak lama lepas tu, dia belah.

    Aku rasa aku ada terserempak dengan dia lagi tapi masa tu, aku tengah drive.

    Anyway, okay lah, I'm gonna have fun.

The Hills over the Paddy Field

    I've been wanting to write but I've been unable to because I've been stressed out lately, my life's been in shambles and I've got lotsa things to do before I go back to campus.

    I've been going to driving class and it's been unenjoyable. Good for whoever enjoy or enjoyed their driving class but unfortunately for me, I find no joy in it.

     One thing that cheered me up a little bit is I met some people who made me go, 'mm.' Not as in they made me think but as in I thought they're sorta cute. They reminded me of Shorty. It's unlikely anything would happen though but it's good to know there are people who I find attractive in this godforsaken place. If only I could be friends with them, that'd make my life better.

PS I've been missing Nick, Shorty and Tally lately.

Who the Hell is Gloria Jean?

    I'm back, you wench.

    So, lately, aku tak berapa pasti kenapa aku asyik tidur, aku nak blog, main video game dan tak termasuk lagi benda - benda yang aku nak kena settle sebelum aku balik campus hujung bulan ni but it's like, I've been avoiding something. Mungkin masih ada residual trauma.

    Anyway, pagi tadi, aku pergi jumpa psychiatrist aku. Alhamdulillah, everything went well today, everyone was nice to me. Lepas tu, aku pergi makan dekat Gloria Jean's Coffee dengan mak aku sebelum kitaorang balik rumah.

    Okay, aku ada beberapa benda nak cakap.

    First of all, harga baju Diesel tu turun sikit and at the moment, aku tak ada duit so aku harap sangat saiz aku akan masih ada stock bila aku ada duit nanti.

    Second of all, aku masih tak boleh move on daripada boots Versace tu. I've been looking for a similar pair but I haven't found any that looks as good as them dan aku memang nak a pair of Versace black patent combat boots, aku tak nak jenama lain, warna lain, jenis leather lain atau jenis boots lain so I guess I'd have to wait for them to release one again. Aku harap sangat aku akan jumpa boots yang lebih elok daripada boots tu walaupun boots tu dah elok.

    Third of all, I think I'm falling in love with the Versace bag. I can't stop thinking about it lately. Aku tak tahulah if I'd ever get to buy it sebab kalau harga dia turun pun, nak dekat RM4,000 woi.

    Last but not least, I know I've been going back and forth about this tapi sekarang, aku rasa macam Tally ada perasaan dekat aku pula sebab bila aku fikir balik, dia banyak kali pandang aku and the way he stared at me, I mean, kalau dia tak ada perasaan dekat aku, kenapa dia pandang aku? Macam tu? Kalau aku tak suka someone, aku takkan pandang dia langsung. Cuma, aku rasa Tally pemalu so sebab tu bila aku tegur dia, dia jadi macam clueless but at the same time, aku tak nak push dia sampai dia avoid aku pula.