2025 Isn't My Year

    Some days, I'm okay, other days, I'm not. I'm still recovering from that incident.

    I can safely say, 2025 has not been my year and I can't wait for 2026. I normally get sad on New Year's Eve but I don't really mind leaving everything behind. Just end the chapter and start a new one.

    I've lost so many things this year: close friends, job, safe place, sense of safety. Only God truly knows how heartbreaking it's been for me and how many times I just wanna give up. It's probably one of the hardest years in my entire life.

    Last night, I dreamt of meeting one of my close friends that I've lost and in that dream, we're still friends but when I woke up this morning, the cold reality hit me and I just felt depressed. Among all things that I've lost this year, losing my close friends is probably the hardest part.

    I wish we're still friends, somehow and we'd go the shopping centres, the cinemas, the karaoke bars together and have a good time like we always used to and maybe I wouldn't feel as awful but deep in my heart, I can feel it's over.

    I don't know what the future holds for me and I'm not hopeful but I still hope, that things will get better, somehow.

I Wish I Could Stay Here

    A day after the incident, which I'm still recovering from, I had to go to a clinic because I was forced to get an MC instead of taking an EL as I didn't wanna leave the house and see anyone. I had to push myself to get up, have a shower, pray and get dressed before going to the clinic since it was getting dark and I didn't wanna be out at dusk.

    As I was leaving my apartment block, it started pouring so I took shelter in a nearby shopping centre. I was soaked and I thought to myself, 'this isn't gonna go well.' I'd been anxious to see the doctor, like, what if he'd refuse to give me an MC? What if he wouldn't believe me?' I went to the toilet, to try to make myself look at least a bit presentable.

    After the rain became lighter, I walked to the clinic, which, luckily, is just across the shopping centre. I entered it. It was dim and there was no one, except the front desk clerk who was surprisingly pleasant. She registered me and told me to wait in the waiting area which is sorta cozy because there are lotsa couches but I was still ridden with anxiety.

    A few minutes later, my name was called. I entered the consultation room and I was greeted by a seemingly pleasant man. He asked me what brought me there and I didn't plan to tell him what happened but I just, broke down. Thankfully, he just listened to me the entire time, he didn't dismiss me or invalidate me, he didn't make fun of me.

    At the end of the consultation, he gave me the MC, without questioning me and I left the room, feeling super thankful and touched, despite what'd just happened to me the day before. Everyone was nice to me and I just felt so safe there, I wish I could stay there, in that moment, for ever. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

PS I'm in my hometown for a few days and I dread to go back there. I wish I had someone I could go home to, someone who would protect me, take care of me and make me feel safe again.

The Path Less Trodden

    It's been a while since my last post and recently, I experienced something traumatic. A few days ago, I was harassed by a female demon in the train and I don't wanna go into the details because it's still too traumatising to talk about it. Talking about it feels like reliving it and I don't wanna relive it.

    What I can say is, it's changed my view of people. It's made me more wary of my surroundings, especially when I go out, I've gotta really be on guard because you'll never know when someone's gonna come at you. Since then, I've been taking the path less trodden, to avoid people as much as possible.

    I'm doing a bit better now but I'm still recovering from the incident and I reckon it's gonna take a long time for me to make a full recovery. It's been extremely challenging. The first night, I could barely sleep because I was shaking with anger. I had to take a medical leave the next day because I didn't get enough rest.

    I wish I could beat that rubbish, maybe that'd make me feel better but I've gotta let God deal with her and I pray He will make her so much more miserable than she clearly already is. I hope she'll never be happy for what she did to me and she'll live in misery for the rest of her pathetic life and die a painful death and rot in hell for ever.

Distant

     It's been a while since my last post and things haven't changed at all. I'm still working at that shithole and I still feel miserable. I feel like, day by day, my dream of going back to Cyber, is getting farther and farther away. I don't know if I'd ever get to return there . I plan to move there April next year, regardless whether I've got a job there or not, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

    I've only been here for half a year but it feels like it's been years. That's how bad it is. I've actually been wanting to write this but I've just got no energy. Living and working in KL, especially at a toxic place, just drain the life outta you, your happiness, your dreams and your hopes until there's only a shell of you. You feel indifferent towards things that used to make you happy, excited and look forward to.

    I honestly don't know how I'm still able to keep going, I truly believe it's God who keeps me going, and my mum, but I don't know how long I can keep going like this. I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanna sleep and rest.