Kau pernah rasa mengantuk tapi kau tak nak tidur?
Tu apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Aku pun tak faham kenapa. Aku macam duduk tunggu untuk something atau someone datang dan selamatkan aku dan bawa aku keluar dari tempat ni tapi aku tahu, tak ada siapa yang akan selamatkan aku, aku cuma buang masa aku.
Baru - baru ni, aku asyik fikir pasal lelaki yang aku jumpa dekat IKEA tu. Mungkin sebab aku stressed dengan kerja aku yang tak habis - habis jadi aku berangan untuk cope dengan stress. Moment kitaorang jumpa tu replay dalam kepala aku and I wish I had acted differently. I wish I had made the first move and said hi to him or even just smiled at him or written my number down on a piece of paper and slipped it into his hand as I passed by him and maybe we would've been connected and got to know each other. I regret I didn't do anything every single day. He's possibly the love of my life and I had my chance but I blew it and I don't think I'd ever see him again.
Aku berdoa dekat Allah untuk bagi aku jumpa dia sekali lagi dan aku janji, kali ni, aku akan tegur dia tapi aku tahu, kalau Allah tak izinkan, benda tu takkan jadi. Bulan sepuluh ni, ada ura - ura yang mengatakan aku akan kena masuk "office" and to be completely honest, I'm not excited, at all. Aku tak berminat nak jumpa "co-workers" aku, aku tak nak jumpa siapa - siapa tapi aku harap, kalau betul lah aku akan kena masuk "office" bulan sepuluh ni, aku akan jumpa someone atau lelaki tu yang boleh menghilangkan perasaan loneliness yang dah terbuku dalam hati aku selama bertahun - tahun. Aku tak nak letak apa - apa expectation sebab aku tak nak jadi kecewa tapi aku merayu dekat Allah, sekurang - kurangnya, hadirkan someone dalam hidup aku yang boleh mengubat hati aku sebab aku tahu aku akan lalui macam - macam ujian nanti.
Aku dah penat hidup macam ni. I need a break. I need someone who I can text and tell him all my problems and he won't get sick and tired of me and he'll always be there for me when the going gets tough. I used to have that person, I had Sam, I had Fox but they were all taken from me. I believe God wants me to learn to be independent, to not rely on anyone, to stand on my own two feet and that way, I'd be strong but I'm tired and I'm only human, I need a human connection too. I've been all by myself for so long, too long, I can't remember the last time I saw someone and I felt like all my problems disappeared for a moment, maybe when I met that guy at IKEA and when I saw him again in my dream once.
Please, I'm begging You, please, hear my plea, please, have mercy on me, please, I'm tired. Sometimes I feel like my system's failing and I'm gonna collapse and die dan impian aku terkubur dengan aku dan musuh - musuh aku akan gelak dekat aku.
Entahlah, aku dah melalut. Aku patut tidur. Goodnight.
