So, it's been two weeks since I moved here and I like it because one, the house is bigger, two, my housemate is rarely home so I get the house all to myself and three, I can cook but I don't really feel comfortable cooking because it's not my house, you know, unless I rent the whole house so I'm not sharing it with anyone and one thing I don't like it is it doesn't have a dryer so every Sunday morning I've gotta go to the laundry bar to do my laundry.
Anyway, I'm still struggling to cope with the crippling loneliness. I mean, loneliness has always been one of the things I struggle with, it's one of the major themes of my life, but this time, I feel like I'm struggling even more. Maybe it's because I used to do things all by myself and then I met some people and we became friends and we did things together but now I've gotta do things all by myself again and that's what I struggle with. There are no more hangouts to look forward to. If I wanna go to the shopping centre, I've gotta go there, alone.
So sometimes I imagine I'm surrounded by my friends so I don't feel so alone. It's not like I talk to them, I just picture them in my mind and in my mind, we're still friends and we'll always be so. We'd do things together and we'd always have a good time, just like we used to. This is my coping mechanism, I guess. Imagination. I imagine to escape from the cold reality and the cruel world so life doesn't seem so bleak and hopeless.
I wonder if I'd ever find good close friends again. I don't like self-pity but I'm scared. What's gonna happen to me? Am I gonna spend the rest of my life like this? Will I ever be truly happy and at peace again? I'm getting older and weaker, I'm not as strong as I used to be. I used to brave and adventurous and fearless but now I'm afraid to leave the house. I wish I had someone to be here with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything's gonna alright, to drive me to places, to take care of me, to embrace me at night so I don't feel so scared.
At this point, I don't know if I'd ever get to go back to Cyber. It seems so distant. I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I go through days, not really living, but just waiting, for something, I don't know, maybe to change my life for the better.
PS I'm financially strapped this month because of the move but I bought the Coach ringer T-shirt in red and white anyway because I just need something to, I don't know, maybe to look forward to.
