Last Monday, I came back to Kuala Lumpur, to my new apartment. I was still feeling the aftermath of what happened the week before, and I still had a number of things to do to make my room feel like a sanctuary to me. The following day, I woke up feeling like shit. I just felt like, one bad thing after another happened to me: the situation with the apartment, the situation with my family, the situation with him, the situation with my job, and they all piled on me, like, give me a fucking break, could there be at least one, just one ray of light, in the midst of this dark, stormy sea of chaos that I'm struggling to navigate, to give me some hope, to keep me going?
I spent most of the day, in misery, and at one point, I just couldn't take it any more. I'd had enough. I was like, fuck it, I'm going to do whatever I want, so, I texted him. I asked him, 'how's your new place?' It was sent, but it wasn't received, let alone read. He didn't post any story on WhatsApp, so, I had no way of knowing what was going on in his life. I was worried if he'd gone back to his country for good (he didn't answer my question whether his contract was renewed or not), so, I stalked his Instagram (I deactivated mine last month), and he posted a story there. I viewed it, and apparently, he'd gone back to his hometown for a while, so, that could explain why the text was sent, but it wasn't received. About an hour later, I could see it was received, and then, to my surprise, he replied, and it felt like a long-awaited miracle to me because we had a considerably long conversation, considering he's dismissive-avoidant, and he's better in person than in texts, albeit I did most of the talking, and his responses were brief. After a while, he stopped responding, but it was okay, because it felt like the miracle that I'd been waiting for months, for so long, too long, so, I went to sleep, content.
I woke up at midnight to his text, which I didn't expect at all, and we continued talking in the next morning, and we ended the conversation on a sweet note. I invited him to come to my place, and he accepted the invitation, in his dismissive-avoidant way, which is vague and sloppy, saying, 'okay, when I'm ready soon.' I had questions, like, what do you mean, when is that, but I didn't question him because I've accepted the fact that he's not good at expressing himself in words, and I didn't want to pressure him by giving him a deadline, and set myself for disappointment if he couldn't make it.
I don't want to bother him on working days, so, I refrain myself from texting him from Monday to Friday, and maybe I got too excited, I texted him again, yesterday, expecting the same outcome. I was having a bad day yesterday for a number of reasons, and maybe I was expecting him to be that ray of light in the midst of the dark, stormy, sea of chaos, again, so, when he gave me a close-ended, short and unenthusiastic response, I felt worse. I felt like I'd undo the progress we've made. I could've shut down the conversation, let him run, and try again another day, but instead, I changed the topic, and again, he gave a me disappointing response, and I was so annoyed with him, I didn't want to reply at all, I wanted to leave it at that, but I didn't want to make a rash decision, so, I took a nap. I woke up, still feeling like shit, but I couldn't leave him hanging even though he most probably didn't care, I knew that'd make me feel worse, so, before I went to sleep, I sent him a text, saying, 'sorry for the delayed response, I'm not feeling very well today. Goodnight.' I woke up at midnight, and he still hadn't replied, which I expected. So, I went to work this morning, still feeling like shit, and not expecting much, but surprisingly, he responded, in his own caring way. I tried to end the conversation before it got bad again, saying have a good week, and I expected him to just heart my text, but instead, he continued it, and we had a somewhat friendly conversation, on a working day. It definitely brightened up my day, kept me going even though I haven't got paid, and I was busy the whole day. He's stopped replying, but it's okay, I get it, he's got other things to do too. I'm just happy, because I feel like, we've made another progress, which feels like another miracle that I've been praying assiduously for, and I'm so thankful for all these miracles, and I'm trying to savour the good moments while they last.
