So, I'm going back to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow, after returning to my hometown for five days, and I'm scared and tired.
First of all, I know it's gonna be hard because I'm gonna be missing my mum so badly, and I'm gonna be so homesick because I'm not gonna get to go back to my hometown for at least a month, until Eid ul-Fitr. I'm not gonna get to celebrate Ramadan with her, I'm gonna have to go through it all alone, and it's scary, and I'm gonna be constantly worried about her, and wondering if this is the last time I get to see her, and I'm scared. It's hard having to be hundreds of miles away from your loved ones, but I'm not fortunate enough to get a job in my hometown which I'd totally be down for if there's ever such an opportunity so I could take care of my mum, and I wouldn't have to be in this shitty place.
Next, speaking of Ramadan, I'm gonna have to change my routine, and I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to cope with it, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. When I was living and working in Cyber, my house was only about 5 to 10 minutes from my office so I could have iftar either at the office or my house, and I could do tarawih at either place, and I was surrounded by my friends so I didn't feel so alone, but now, like I've just said, I've got no friends here so I'm gonna have to go through it all alone, and now in Kuala Lumpur, my house is like 30 minutes from my office, by LRT.
Thirdly, I've got so much work to do. I was planning to get them done, not all of them, but at least most of them, during this holiday, before I've gotta go to work this Thursday, but I haven't been able to focus because I had another fight, which was the biggest one so far and left me devastated, with Shorty 2.0 which brings me to my next point, and that is, after I thought it was over, I reached out to him because I struggled to accept it, I couldn't. I didn't really plan it, I thought I was gonna text him maybe after a week or a month, but I couldn't wait that long, so I sent him a text, saying sorry for the way I spoke to him, and my expectations were too high, and I shouldn't have pushed him, I should've given him space and time. I thought he was gonna ignore me or block me but he only gave a thumbs up which was vague but at least it's a response, I guess.
A few days ago, I texted him again, asking him if I could see him this Wednesday, and he only said, 'we'll see.' I don't know how it's gonna turn out tomorrow, if I'm gonna get to see him, how he's gonna react, if it's really over. I really want it to work because I really like him, and he's all I've got there. Having him makes me feel less lonely and scared, living and working in a big city.
