It's 5:00 am, and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I've just moved into a new place yesterday (yes, I've moved to a block next to the block I used to live with him), and maybe it's because of the painful realisation I've had recently.
It's been a while since my last post. I've been distracting myself with work, spirituality, self and life. At first, it was unimaginably hard, it felt like, someone ripped my heart out, and I was forced to survive like nothing happened. Then, it got a bit easier, day by day. I'm not gonna lie, I'd been thinking of him all the while, especially because his birthday was coming up (4 April), and I was gonna have to decide if I was gonna wish him happy birthday, if so, how.
He'd been viewing my "stories" on Telegram, inconsistently, like he is, and sometime between the five days, he hearted one of them, for the first time. I can't deny it, it made my heart skip a beat. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but eventually, I made the decision not to give a response to a low-effort engagement.
Then, the day came. I'd been consulting Gemini (to my surprise, it's a better relationship advisor than ChatGPT, in my experience), and it told me not to wish him at midnight. Instead, I was told to send him a simple wish afternoon the next day, and that's what I did. I didn't pretend like I didn't care though, I was genuinely busy with moving out and moving in.
A day before the day, I'd realised my feelings for him have faded a bit. He posted a photo of him celebrating his birthday that night, and I was like, okay? Like, not that it didn't make me feel anything at all, it still sorta stung, it just didn't have that strong of an effect on me.
Also, with the day came a realisation. I used to put all the blame on myself when he became distant from me. I'd go over our conversations, again and again, trying to find what went wrong. Maybe I said something wrong, maybe I did something wrong. I even tried to rationalise the distance, 'it wouldn't have come to this if I hadn't said and done anything wrong.' Maybe I'm too much, maybe I do too much. I felt like I was back in the dark, seemingly unending tunnel, but I saw a glimmering light at the end of it: it was truth from God.
I opened it, like a gift, and when I opened it, it made me able to see clearly, I could finally see him for who he is, and right through him. I realised he is the problem all along, not me. Yes, I made mistakes too, I was too emotional, but he is insecure. He can't stand seeing me be better than him, that's why he always had to put himself above me, and belittle me. Unaware or not, he tried to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and insecure being myself.
The truth is, it is him who is little, with a big ego, and when he couldn't have it his way, he made it look like I was the problem. I should've seen it, he rarely asked me back when I asked him a question which is a telltale sign someone is insecure, but is often overlooked (insecure people feel like only one person can be in the spotlight, and asking someone back is gonna make them look desperate and that person feel important). Also, he's a good-looking man, but at least I don't edit my photos to make me look like I've got the sharpest jawline in the world, but I guess I was too deep in love, I couldn't see it.
I don't wanna demonise him, I wanna believe, when he was being kind to me, it was genuine, but I think, he's battling with his insecurity, like I am, but he's struggling more than I am. It just made me sad because I really had hope for us, but his insecurity got in the way, but that's his problem, not mine, I can't solve it for him, he's gotta do it himself. I'm not sure where we're gonna go from here, but one thing I'm sure about now, my feelings for him have faded.
PS I sent him the wish at 2:37 pm yesterday, and I only opened the app around 8:34 pm yesterday, to make my last seen visible so he'd see I haven't been checking to see if he's responded. I'm not gonna open the app until he texts me. Also, he posted a picture of him and his unfortunate-looking "friends" (he can't be friends with good-looking people like me, I guess, lol, that's why he didn't want me to meet his friends or go out with me, he didn't want me to outshine him, he wants to be the only one who shines) swimming at a luxurious apartment, I guess, with a caption, 'best pals ever.' Best pals ever? Sure, lol, okay.
