Semalam, aku ada bagi tahu yang harga kasut warna ungu tu dah turun 50% dekat SSENSE. Guess what? Hari ni, aku tengok beberapa saiz dah habis stok. Hmm, mestilah, nak tunggu apa lagi? Kalau aku pun, aku dah beli tapi tulah, saiz aku dah habis stok. Untunglah siapa yang dapat beli kasut tu dalam saiz diaorang atau pun yang beli tu reseller lepas tu jual full-price, IDK. Aku tak tahulah aku akan jadi seuntung tu ke tak sebab selalunya nasib aku malang.
Anyway, I'm still not at ease. Siang tadi, tiba - tiba, aku terfikir apa kerja nak buat. Lepas tu, aku baru sedar yang kerja aku dah habis. Dia macam mild PTSD. Aku tak sangka benda ni boleh buat aku jadi sampai macam ni. My mental state at the moment is a mess. Tidur, solat, pemakanan and my hygiene (if anyone's in a messy mental state, seriously, eat healthily, have a shower, pray and sleep early, they'll always make you feel better) are all over the place. Aku tak tahulah apa nak jadi dengan aku.
I feel like my life is a constant mental war. You can't see it, you can't hear it but you can feel it. It's there. In my imagination, rockets, missiles and bombs explode all around me and planes, helicopters and fighters fly above my head and there are rubbles, fire and dust everywhere and I'm tired, I just wanna sleep but I can't sleep here, it's not safe. I need to keep going, I need to keep moving, I can't stop now but I wonder if I'd ever reach a place where I can rest my bones.
I'm like waiting someone to come and save me but I know there's no knight in shining armour, only I can save myself. If I don't wanna help myself, no one can help me. I imagine that guy I ran into at IKEA as my knight. He'd barge in, pick me up and we'll ride off into the sunset. I know, I know, it's cheesy and I probably will never see him again because like I said, I'm usually unlucky. Even if I do, how am I gonna remember it's him? I do remember some of his features like his hair and his skin and he wore a red Manchester United jersey and I remember the way he stared at me but I don't remember his face. I'm scared I'd pass him by and I wouldn't notice it's him.
I've always wished time would stop and I could run away far from all of this and go somewhere where I can truly rest, take my time and focus and work on myself until I'm ready to face the world again. The world moves too fast and I can't keep up with it.
Alright, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.
PS I've had my hair cut short and I love it. I feel like myself again.
