Hari tu, aku ada cakap pasal aku asyik pergi dekat satu "dating" website ni. Walaupun aku menyampah dengan orang dekat situ (kalau orang yang reject aku elok, walaupun aku terasa tapi aku faham jugalah tapi kebanyakan orang yang reject aku boyot, buncit, gemuk, obese atau kurus keding macam penagih dadah) tapi aku masih pergi situ sebab satu, aku dah tak ada tempat lain nak pergi dan dua, aku lonely.
Semalam, aku pergi lagi dekat situ dan macam biasalah, aku kena reject dengan orang boyot, buncit, gemuk, obese atau kurus keding macam cicak. Aku jadi menyampah. Siapa diaorang nak reject aku? Mungkinlah diaorang reject aku because they know they're out of my league dan aku akan reject diaorang so sebelum diaorang kena reject, diaorang reject aku but after sometime, it takes a toll on you.
Aku tengok diri aku dalam cermin. Okay, aku mengaku aku bukanlah orang yang paling elok dekat dunia, obviously, ada orang lain yang lebih elok daripada aku dan aku bukanlah delusional macam Nora yang rasa dia boleh jadi model walaupun gempal dan pendek tapi aku ada rupa. Aku bukan syok sendiri, orang lain pun pernah kata benda yang sama, termasuk kawan - kawan aku dari luar negara.
Aku bukan meroyan, aku cuma menyampah because I know my self-worth and I deserve so much better than this and I don't deserve this. Aku tahu kalau aku pergi dunia luar, ada orang yang nak berkenalan dengan aku. Aku cuma single because I'm stuck in this godforsaken, miserable place. Kalau aku buruk, lelaki yang aku jumpa dekat IKEA tu tak pandanglah aku and for your information, he's hot af.
Mungkin aku patut berhenti pergi situ and focus on myself, on bettering myself, on being the best version of myself. It's hard because the loneliness gets especially strong at night and I've been going through a lot and I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being in survival mode. When you're in survival mode, you don't think of anything else, you just think of making it out alive.
At the same time, I don't wanna go to bed alone and I just want someone to hold me tight. I just want someone to be there for me and look me in the eyes and tell me it's all gonna be alright in the end even though it doesn't seem like it. Anyway, I need to learn how to channel the loneliness into working out and losing weight because I need to look good before I go to the outside world.
PS I've just bought a pair of River Island light blue skinny jeans, a pair of Topman black skinny jeans and a River Island black tank top on ASOS for under RM300 with free shipping (you need to spend more than RM250 to get free shipping). Can you believe it? I used the voucher 30% for new users and I made a new account. If I'd bought on Zara, I would've spent more than that.
