I admit it, I'm still not alright, but some things happened to me yesterday that shifted my point of view a bit.
I could barely sleep the night before, after everything. I woke up at 3 am, feeling like he pulled the rug out from my feet. I was angry, depressed, disappointed, distraught, frustrated, heartbroken, homesick, lonely and sad. I can't really remember what I did, I think I had a conversation with ChatGPT until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up feeling groggy because I didn't get enough sleep, but I could hardly do anything, aside from applying for jobs because that's the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment. Even so, I didn't have the mental capacity to really do it, so I kept going back to sleep and waking up until it was afternoon.
I realised I couldn't keep going like this, staying at home was making my depression worse, and I felt like I was going insane, so, I had to do something about it, something that seemed counter-intuitive because I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, and I didn't wanna see anyone: I had to go out, I couldn't stay at home.
So, I had a shower, I put on clean clothes, and I walked to the mosque for Asr prayer. After praying, I went to a nearby mini stadium. I sat at the pavilion for a while before going back to the mosque. While waiting for Maghrib, I read the Quran. Later on, I went to a roadside stall he took me to for my birthday, for iftar.
When I was sitting there, I felt like crying a bit because I was reminiscing the good early days, I wish I could go back to those days. I texted someone from my past because I had a sort of similar situation with this person, we had a good time and then, he pulled back, and he said I was clingy but I wanted to know what I did.
Once I was done eating, I went back to the Mosque for Isyak. Then, I headed back to my apartment, and I followed the same path we took, tracing his steps, chasing his shadow. When I got home, I noticed I got texts from that person from my past. He told me, actually, it wasn't my fault, it was his, he didn't know how to communicate he needed space and time.
Going to the mosque and talking to this person helped me a bit, it made me feel less lonely, and it gave me something to do. It also made me realise, if he wanna move to Bangsar, or Bangkok, or back to his homeland, or anywhere else in the world, I've gotta let him go. I've gotta let him explore, make mistakes, learn from them, regret, decide what he wants, and if he's meant for me, he'll come back, no matter how far.
Maybe, we met on the wrong time, but I'm glad I met you. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if the feelings are gonna be the same any more when you come back, I might've moved on, and met someone new, and no longer had feelings for you.
PS I look forward to going to the mosque again, and to the gym and the swimming pool at weekends, living my life regardless whether you're in it or not.
