I'm angry. I'd been expecting I'd receive good news today, a light at the end of the tunnel but I got absolutely nothing. Zero. I made several phone calls, sent an email but to no avail. I'd been waiting for this, I'd thought I'd found the way out, an escape from my current situation. Some people might say, let's see what tomorrow brings, and yes, I can't wait to see either, but still, I hate being in uncertainty, it makes me anxious, like, what if there wouldn't be any good news tomorrow either or the day after?
If anger spreads like wildfire, then anxiety spreads like virus. I start questioning everything. Myself, my worth. How could my crush follow ugly, fat people but not me? I feel fat and ugly even though I've lost some weight. I feel like I'm not good enough and I'll never be good enough. For your information, I've unfollowed him because he annoys me but I've still got a crush on him.
I feel bitter and pathetic. I sneer at the people he follows. I envy them for being able to buy stuff from Prada, Balenciaga, Loewe and whatnot. 'Oh, I've got no sense of fashion or style at all, let alone a look but I'm invited to KLFW aka the clown convention and I purchase the latest and trendiest items in shop. All of a sudden, I'm so "fashionable" and "stylish" even though they don't go together.'
So I created an account on a dating app, pretending to be him. I'm not sure why I did that, certainly not to catfish someone because I'm not interested in anyone else at the moment. Maybe to get his attention, to get him noticed me, somehow and to make him pay it back for not following me back, to teach him a lesson even though he'll probably never know me. Yeah, I feel like I'm going insane.
