I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a fleeting moment of, 'I'm happy with myself, and the way I look, despite whatever I've been going through.'
Ever since I was a child, I've always had an issue with my body. I used to be skinny, I weighed 45 kg and I hated myself, my body and the way I looked. Then I gained weights and I became overweight. I don't remember how much I weighed at that time but I think I weighed more than 60 kg and one of my former lovers, Shorty, rejected me because, in his words, I was fat.
I fell into depression and I lost weights. I think I weighed about 50 kg to 52.5 kg at that time and I loved the way I looked, I wasn't thin but I wasn't fat either. Only then, Shorty accepted me.
Slowly, over time, I gained weights again and now I weigh about 60 kg. I wish I could weigh 50 kg to 52.5 kg again but it's been challenging to shed weights.
Today, I went to have lunch somewhere and there was this guy in a check shirt and he's probably one of the most good-looking guys I've ever seen in real life and he seemed so self-assured. I just felt insecure and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wish I could be like him. He radiates with confidence.
Sometimes, I do feel fat and ugly even though I know I'm not fat and ugly and I should be thankful because there are unfortunate-looking people out there.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just wish I'd lose some weights so I wouldn't be so self-conscious about my body.
