This is probably one of the hardest posts for me to write. I don't know how to write it.
It's funny how I was just talking about hoping there would still be hope for Shorty 2.0 and me, hoping things would get better between us, yesterday, and today happened.
As I mentioned in the previous post, I was coming back to Kuala Lumpur today morning instead of Sunday night, and before I fell asleep last night, my mum asked me if it was a good idea for her to pack some foods for him, and I said no because we weren't on speaking terms. When I woke up this morning, I found out she'd packed some foods for him any way.
Although he didn't reply my last text, I texted him to let him know my mum packed some foods for him, and he responded. I was relieved to hear from him again, and from there, we chatted a bit and it was sort of friendly. When I got to my apartment in Kuala Lumpur, I told him I was home, and I wanted to pass the foods to him. He said he was at home, but he was a bit busy (was he with someone else?), so I should just leave the foods on the doorstep, and I did. As much as I've lowered my expectations of him, I felt sort of insulted he didn't wanna see me, even for a moment, but I didn't wanna overreact.
I took a picture of the foods, and I sent it to him, before going home. Ten minutes later, he thanked me, and we chatted again, this time it was longer. I can't really remember how the conversation took a sharp turn, but he told me he was planning to move somewhere else if his contract was renewed, and I felt like he stabbed a knife in my heart. We'd just got back together and now he was telling me this? I tried to act cool, but I struggled, and I think he could see it. I asked him where he was planning to move to, and he said Bangsar, which is about thirteen LRT stations away from where we currently live.
I tried making a joke, 'maybe I could move in with you and we could be housemates, lol,' and he gave a half-hearted response, 'haha, maybe.' Then, the conversation took another sharp turn. He told me his preferences, and I realised I'm not his type. It felt like he twisted the knife he stabbed me in the heart. Again, I tried to make a joke, 'you don't like me, I guess, lol,' and he didn't even bother to make me feel better, he just let me get washed away by the wave of realisation. It was as if he was letting me know he doesn't feel the same way towards me.
I couldn't pretend any more, so I said to him, 'you're really like Shorty. You've both got the same preferences, and I realised I'm not what he wants, I was just there, while he was looking for someone else.' He didn't reply. By the end of the conversation, I was so distraught, and heartbroken, I couldn't sleep. I was so angry, and disappointed. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't wanna go out, I didn't wanna see anyone, I wanted to scream. I couldn't do anything. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted cry, but the tears wouldn't come out.
I could feel I was falling into depression, again. I've never been anyone's first choice, never will be, I've always been a second option, when there's no one else. I'll never be good enough for anyone, there's always someone better than me. I was so stupid for thinking someone would like me, I was so stupid for thinking I stood a chance. Maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and I should've just accepted it, a long time ago. A part of me still wanna believe there's still hope, but a part of me feels like this is the end.
PS I don't know how I'm gonna go to work this Monday, how I'm gonna be able to focus on work, I'm scared.
