Yesterday, Shorty 2.0 came to my house, and we had iftar together, for the first time. We talked about different stuff, and he hand-fed me. We hugged before he left (he smelt so good), and I was supposed to be happy, but I felt conflicted instead. When we were having a conversation, he spoke about his white gold necklace which his third ex bought for him for his birthday. Then he brought up someone from Iran who used to live and work here (I think they used to hook up with each other), and he went on and on about how hot this person is, and I couldn't help feeling jealous.
Maybe he was just telling me stuff, maybe he hasn't moved on, maybe he didn't know it was gonna make me jealous, maybe he wanted to make me jealous, I don't know, but personally, I wouldn't talk about my past love life because it's pointless, and I think he knows how I feel for him.
This morning, he sent me a text, reminding me to get up for suhoor, which was sweet. I thanked him and said, 'have a good day and take care.' The whole day, we didn't text each other at all. I wanted to, but I didn't wanna smother him, so, I refrained myself from doing so until I came home. I asked him what he was gonna have for iftar today. I know he wasn't gonna have iftar with me today, and sure enough, he said he was gonna iftar with someone else.
I can lie and pretend like that didn't hurt me at all, and I know some people might be like, let him do whatever he wants, he's got his own life, and you're right, but that doesn't and can't invalidate my feelings. I just felt sad and lonely. I wish I could spend every day with him.
I wish he was madly in love with me like I was with him, I wish he thought of me all the time like I think of him, I wish he texted me multiple times a day, I wish he could never get enough of me like I can't get enough of him, I wish he felt the same way towards me.
We haven't texted each other since. I don't know if I'm gonna get a good night text or a wake up it's suhoor text, but I wouldn't surprised if I'm not gonna hear from him, and I can't speak to him at the moment, as much as I want to, because I'm angry, and I don't wanna say something that I'm gonna regret. I miss him, but he needs to prove himself too, he needs to chase me as well, because I'm tired of doing all the chasing. I feel like a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I don't know where we're gonna go from here. Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you just love me like I love you? I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster, I wanna get off it, I just want a reassurance, that it'll all work out in the end.
