Yesterday, I went out with my colleagues to KLCC and Pavilion. I'd been looking forward to it because I'd just needed a break from everything. My life's been challenging, especially lately. I had a good time. When I got home, I felt sleepy, so, I went to bed. When I woke up, it was already Maghrib. I got up, and I prayed. While waiting for Isyak, I hung out at the balcony, and I saw his room lit up, and I saw someone passed by the window. I don't know whether it was him or a new tenant, but it triggered me, I felt horribly upset, not just with him, but also with myself, like, why am I doing this to myself?
I went to my room, and I sat in my bed. I just wanted to move out of here, it's so painful to stay here, to be reminded of him. I posted a story on WhatsApp after I came home, of this week's highlights, to show him I'd been doing okay (not really, just a bit better), so, he'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me (I'll get back to this later), and it made me feel worse because he hadn't seen it. What made me feel even more bad was seeing his story on WhatsApp, of him having dinner at his new place.
Then, I realised a few things. One, just because I felt like I needed to move out of here, which is valid, I'm not gonna invalidate myself, it doesn't mean I've really got to move out of here. I don't have to dismiss, ignore or suppress my feelings, like they do, but at the same time, I don't have to act on them. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay, it's good for me, because I'm training myself not to be impulsive. Plus, I haven't got a better job, so, for now, I've got to stay here.
Two, sometimes, I think I'm okay, but other times, I realise I'm still not ready to see him. I can't let him see me like this. I'm still a mess, I'm gonna scare him off, but if he ever comes back to me, to make him stay this time, I need to get better. I can't keep dwelling on my feelings. It's normal to feel sad, or angry, or scared, but it doesn't mean I've got to be sad, or angry, or scared. It's hard, but this is what I've got to do, I've got to train myself to control my emotions.
Three, I can't watch his stories, just like I can't watch my dismissive-avoidant friend's stories. I mustn't. I've got low tolerance for bullshit, and their stories just annoy the hell out of me. They bring out the worst in me, they make me want to flip a table, because I know they're not okay, but they're suppressing their negative feelings by pretending like they're alright. Secure people don't have to try so hard to show everyone they're alright. I can empathise, I can respect, I can understand it's their coping mechanism, and I wish it doesn't trigger me so much, but I just can't. So, because of that, I've got to keep hiding them, and avoiding them, for the sake of my mental health, which, in return, benefits the friendships. I can't get hurt so much if I don't see their stories.
The third point brings me to the next point, and that is, to make them comfortable and safe to come back to me, I need to show them I've been doing okay, like coaxing a stray cat. They are supposedly attracted to calm, emotionally stable people, because that's what they aspire to be, despite their calm exterior. So, my plan is, to post stories on WhatsApp and/or Telegram, of me just enjoying life, even though that might not be entirely true, but just like my second point, just because I don't feel happy, it doesn't mean I've got to be unhappy. They might or might not take the "bait" at first, which is going to be frustrating, but I won't give up, I'll keep posting once a week, so, it wouldn't look I'm trying to get their attention. Once they take the bait, and they like the taste of it (they should), hopefully, they'd be more inclined to take the next bait, and the ones after, until they'd feel comfortable and safe to come back to me, and I'm going to be warm but I'm going to keep a distance, because distant people drive them insane. This might sound like a game, a manipulation, especially to anxious-preoccupied people like me, but if they can "play a game" with us, why can't we do the same thing?
PS True healing comes from realising your issues & mistakes, acknowledging them, and working on yourself, and I wish I could say one day, it all worked out in the end.
