If I was rich, I would've bought the house I'm renting at the moment. For an apartment, in Kuala Lumpur, it's huge, to me. There are a living room, a dining room, kitchen, a laundry room, four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a balcony. And it's not in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, it's on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, which I prefer.
Anyway, am I enjoying this three-day weekend? Not really, but I came across something last night, that not only gave me some peace of mind, but also some hope, and some happiness, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time.
So, I had a bad day yesterday. I didn't wanna go out, I just wanted to stay at home, but I had to, so I did, and sure enough, several bad things happened to me. When I came home, I was emotionally drained, so, I went to bed, and I woke up about three hours later. What made me wake up feeling worse was, I still hadn't heard anything from Shorty 2.0, and it'd been eight days since the last time we had a contact, but he'd been posting stories on Instagram (he hasn't followed me back which made me feel worse as well).
As you can tell from my previous post, I was, well, anxious, and if you're familiar with the discourse on the attachment theory, you must be aware of the view that most people (mostly anxious-preoccupied people who refuse to accept the fact that they themselves are a part of the problem, and they need to work on themselves, so, instead, they put the blame on others, and expect everyone to accept them for who they are) hold is, dismissive-avoidant people are hopeless.
As someone who's got a dismissive-avoidant close friend (I'd never fully realised this about him until I learnt about the attachment theory) for nearly 14 years, I can say, it's not all hopeless. Yes, it's probably the most challenging type of relationship to navigate, especially if you're anxious-preoccupied, and it takes a special kind of person (caring, compassionate, empathetic, kind, loving, patient, supportive, understanding) to be willing to deal with this sort of people, and if you truly love this person, if you truly care about this person, this is what you've got to do.
Maybe I'm just stubborn, maybe I'm just a fool, but giving up on Shorty 2.0 just doesn't feel right to me, and I'd rather be a fool than regretting not trying. Like I've said before, I don't think he's not interested in me at all. I mean, if he's not, wouldn't he have deleted my number, blocked me and ignored me?
So, I scrolled through Reddit, reading about the attachment theory, not expecting to find anything different because the general consensus is that we should give up on dismissive-avoidant people, and as I was about to leave, I stumbled upon a post. Basically, this woman's got a dismissive-avoidant friend, and she told her friend, her friend did something hurtful to her, and instead of apologising and taking responsibility, her friend "ignored" her (typical dismissive-avoidant behaviour). Later on, she reached out to her friend, saying sorry, and her friend said, 'it's okay,' but she didn't believe it because her friend continued to "ignore" her.
I was expecting the response to be like, 'your friend's not worth your time and energy,' 'move on,' or something like that, but it was different. Another woman said, 'okay, this is long and it might sound harsh, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through and acted much in the same way as you did, and I've gone from anxiously attached within a friendship to secure in all my relationships, so I hope you'll take what I say with the intention that it doesn't feel good to hear the truth about your behavior, but facing it head on is the only way to surpass it.
First, I have learned that going by someone's words is more effective than actions because actions are left up for interpretation, and words are the things they want you to hear. Of course there's nuance to that, but this actually isn't a case where her words and actions are in conflict, even though it seems you think it is. I also would've thought it is in the past. But here's the situation:
She said she forgave you and you're good now. Once she said that, it was time to accept that and move forward from this conflict. It might've taken a minute to fully get back into the normal groove of your friendship, but at a point when a conflict is over, you do have to just go back to normal, even if it's faking it until it feels real again. That might not feel genuine, but it is healthy and normal because feelings linger even when you actually know something is fine, and sometimes it just takes forcing yourself back to normal for the lingering feelings to drift away. If you keep dwelling on the feelings, they will never go away.
So I think she's distant because you won't go back to normal, and you're overwhelming her with emotion constantly. She said she forgave you and after that, you still have another time where you apologized and told her you missed her, you poured your heart out over text and she left you on read, and you still want to seek her out for one on one conversation about all this. Even secure people don't want to deal with this level of emotion when they feel like the conflict is done on their side. I don't see any situation you described where you tried to just go back to your normal friendship. Once she said she forgave you and you're good, you should have believed her rather than trying to interpret her actions as meaning something other than that.
That was a thing in my friendship, because my feelings were always a lot more heightened, it turned out I didn't believe or trust my friend when she said things were fine. This was a surprise to me because if you had ever asked me, I would've said I trust her with my life, but my mind actually wasn't trusting of her words and I just didn't realize it. I interpreted her behaviors or actions as still being off, but it was only my perception that was off. She would tell me things were fine, but I would judge her actions, which I interpreted incorrectly, rather than listen to her words. It was when my friend outright told me that it hurt her feelings that I didn't believe or trust her words that I really understood what I was doing. She felt no matter what she said to me, I was still going to keep feeling overly emotional and thinking things weren't fine, so she felt like no matter what she did or said, she wasn't helping me and that made her feel bad, too. Once I understood how she felt, that it was hurting her for me to act that way, that was a huge wake up call and the catalyst to my healing. What I learned was not that I didn't trust her, but that I couldn't fully trust anyone and that's what I had to work on.
So now, definitely since you poured your heart out and she left you on read, just leave her alone. She knows how you feel. You've told her how you feel a lot. Relationships are supposed to be fun and bring joy to your life most of the time, especially friendships. She's not feeling like it's fun right now. That doesn't mean she's just discarded your whole relationship. A six year friendship is meaningful to her, too, I'm sure. It means she can't deal with your emotions on this subject anymore because she was done with this conflict weeks ago.
I definitely had a time when I thought my friendship with my best friend was over, but it did eventually get back to normal. You just have to start acting normal, even if that's not how you feel on the inside. Don't assume it's over forever, don't try to brush her off or act any type of way as retaliation for her silence if she reaches out. Don't expect an apology from her or hold a grudge or resentment. If you can't let go or move on from your feelings right now, then you might not be able to move forward with your friendship, but that's on your side, not hers. I would say, if in like a week or so she still hasn't reached out, you can perhaps just try to start a normal conversation with her like "hey, did you see the new episode of that show we both like" or whatever you might normally talk about to show her that you are back to normal. Maybe she'll be receptive, and maybe not. If she's still not, then at that point I'd say you really have done all you can and it's totally in her court.
This is already long, but I want to emphasize I'm not telling you just to force yourself to get over your feelings or push them away or whatever, but there comes a point where you have to deal with them yourself. Yes, you should be able to go to your friend when you're feeling bad, but you're feeling bad about your friend about something she already said is fine. At that point, your feelings are your responsibility to deal with. She can't help you with them because she's already told you that the conflict is over and that you're good. You not accepting that is not something she can change, so you really have to find alternate means of dealing with your emotions yourself in that case.
People in my life of course tell me I can talk to them about anything, but the growth in me is knowing that just because I can talk about anything, doesn't mean I should. I've learned to know the difference. I learned when my feelings were irrational or untrue and that I shouldn't take those feelings to the people they're about because no one wants to keep hearing you think untrue things about them and don't believe them when they correct you. Over time, dealing with those feelings myself rather than taking them to the person they're about turned into me being able to identify them as being irrational right away, and eventually to stop having the irrational and anxious feelings altogether. Like, at first it might be just coping, but it does eventually turn into true peace and security. To cut this short, DBT was the biggest help in overcoming my anxious attachment, and you can find tons of free resources on that online or get a self-guided workbook (which is what I did). So anyway, I truly do understand your pain, but trust me that it can get better and your friendship doesn't have to be over.'
When I read that response, I felt like it all made sense, and the weight that'd been weighing on me for the past few months, was finally lifted off my shoulders. I didn't trust Shorty 2.0 when he told me he'd get back to me once he's free, because I've been seeing him post stories on Instagram, but maybe actually he's not ready to meet me, maybe he's got to deal with some things before he's ready to see me. By doing so, I can empathise and understand him, and I don't really resent him any more.
Now I believe he'll come back to me someday, I just don't know when, but when he does, I'd love to show him, I can keep things light and casual, and he can feel safe and comfortable around me again. I'm ready to see him now.
PS I used to feel scared if he'd leave me one day, and jealous seeing him go out with other people, and being envious of those people for getting to spend time with him is normal, but I shouldn't have acted on those feelings, I should've kept them to myself and dealt with them, instead of lashing out at him. Also, last night, out of the blue, my heart was filled with happiness, it felt like it was bursting at the seams.
