I posted a story on WhatsApp (I'd been thinking about it since last Saturday because they didn't take the "bait", and I almost forgot to do it as I was so busy yesterday), of a photo of Masjid Negara, with a caption, 'salam Jumaat, everyone!' and on Telegram, of a photo of myself going out last Saturday, with a caption, 'who knew all I needed was good vibes, good food, smashing time, trashy music and (halal) beer to get me going again.' Did I really have a smashing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean I can't have a good time just because I'm still not fully alright. I haven't checked to see whether they've taken the "bait" or not, I'm scared to do so because I know I'm gonna be disappointed if they haven't and aren't going to. I think it's normal to check to see if they've taken the "bait", and it's also normal to be disappointed if they're haven't and aren't going to, it's like checking to see if a stray cat has eaten the food you leave it, as long as you don't spiral. If they're not going to take the "bait", I'm still going to keep posting a story on WhatsApp and Telegram once a week until they take the "bait". There's nothing else I can do to make them feel comfortable and safe to come back to me other than posting a "calm" story, praying and working on myself.
A few days ago, I woke up feeling like I was in a standstill, and I still feel that way. I felt like, not only I've been through so much, but I've also learnt so much (the attachment theory is one of the best things I've ever discovered, it explains so much why I'm the way I am and why some people are the way they are), and I've done so much work on myself for the past weeks, but how do I put all these into practice if I'm not in contact with him? I'm aware that I have been putting some of them into practice while I'm not in contact with him, like not letting my emotions get the best of me, not making impulsive decisions and so forth, but I'll never truly know if I'm truly ready (I know I'll never be fully ready) to be friends with him again unless I try. It's like studying for an exam, and you do all these exercises, and you perform well in them, but you'll never know if your performance is going to be as good in the exam unless you take it. So, I did solat taubat, because one, I don't want our sins to keep us apart, and two, I don't want them to weigh me down and hold me back from progressing.
I'm planning to text him early next month, but I'm not sure if I should. I don't think he 's going to ignore me, or give me a cold response, but I don't want to create a pattern of me always initiating because I know it's not good for the friendship in the long run, and I know it's best to let dismissive-avoidant people come to you instead of you coming to them, but at the same time, I worried if he's hesitant to reach out to me, in fear of I'd be upset with him. I don't know if he'd ever come back to me, and even if he would, I don't know when, like how long is it going to take for him to do so? Two months? Three months? Six months? One year? I don't know, but I still hope he will eventually, someday, somehow, and we can rebuild our friendship, and become close like we used to be.
PS I've just checked to see if they've seen my stories, and he hasn't seen my story on Telegram, but he's seen my story on WhatsApp, and he hearted it (I didn't expect him to take the "bait")!
