Okay, aku dah nak kena tidur sebab aku ada kelas esok. Aku juga ada banyak kerja nak kena submit minggu ni.
Actually, aku pun tak berapa pasti nak cakap apa malam ni because I have a lot on my mind at the moment: assignments, FYP, internship, my future, braces, driving licence, family, friends and so on tapi antara semua ni, aku rasa friends yang paling mengganggu aku kot at the moment.
By friends, I mean, "friends". Friends with quotation marks. If you still don't know what I mean, I mean, fake friends. The reason aku cakap macam tu, aku tak rasa "kawan - kawan" aku akan back me up kalau jadi apa - apa. Kalau ada orang buat cerita pasal aku, they would believe it in an instance.
Aku malas nak go into details kenapa aku rasa macam tu but all I can say, their words don't match with their actions dan diaorang dah banyak kali tunjuk their true colours. Macam Maya Angelou pernah kata, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'
I can't emphasise how true her words are sebab orang dah banyak kali tunjuk diri sebenar diaorang dan aku tak berapa percaya tu diri sebenar diaorang but in the end, aku baru sedar, that is who they are: berhati busuk, bodoh, dengki, fake, jahat, plastic, pemalas, vindictive and so on.
Oh, by the way, I'm not just talking about my "friends" saja, eh, I'm talking about most of my classmates too sebab kebanyakan diaorang macam ni. Because of them, at first, aku ingat, semua orang masa degree memang macam ni tapi bila aku jumpa students course lain, they're so normal.
Masa tu, I realised, classmates aku yang problem, not me tapi memang malanglah nasib aku, out of 30+ of my classmates, less than 10 saja yang okay kot, yang lain semua tak boleh buat kawan ke English students memang bitches? Someone please do an FYP on this, hahaha!
Masa aku buat foundation course dulu pun macam
ni. Aku tak ada ramai kawan coursemates aku sebab aku tak boleh get
along dengan diaorang sebab perangai diaorang dan bila aku pindah ke
kolej yang tak ada coursemates aku langsung, aku seorang saja yang buat
foundation course dekat situ, yang lain semua buat diploma, aku boleh
buat ramai kawan.
To make matters worse, aku tak ada kawan - kawan course lain dekat sini. I mean, bukan tak ada langsung tapi kalau ada pun, tak adalah rapat sampai nak keluar lepak sekali ke apa. This is one of the reasons aku nak buat kawan dengan Tally sebab dia nampak lebih approachable berbanding orang lain.
Speaking of Tally, his absence makes everything feels 10 times worse. Everything feels harder and heavier as well. Aku jadi tak ada semangat nak buat apa - apa. I just wanna sleep until he comes back. In the meantime, I just wanna be alone. I don't wanna talk to anyone.
Aku sampai jadi nervous setiap kali aku keluar dari bilik aku. Aku takut aku takkan nampak kasut dia depan bilik dia lagi. Aku tak tahu nak buat apa if he never comes back again. Aku berdoa dekat Allah to bring him back so I could at least talk to him and ask for his number.
Please don't leave me here alone. Please don't break my heart. Please don't make it harder for me. It's already hard enough. I'm scared. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm in the dark and I can't see the light. I'm trying not to give up but I feel like it's me against the world.
