Aku tak tahu kenapa hari ni kaki aku lenguh gila. Dia bukan cramp tapi dia macam bila kau berdiri lama - lama. Dulu, masa aku kerja sales assistant, awal - awal, sakit gila kaki aku tapi lama - lama, aku boleh berdiri 12 jam.
Anyway, tadi, kawan - kawan aku bawa aku pergi "celebrate" birthday aku dekat McD. Mula - mula, diaorang tak tahu pun hari ni birthday aku dan aku tak nak bagi tahu diaorang pun because I'm not an attention whore tapi masa kitaorang tengah decide nak makan malam dekat mana, aku saja kata, 'today's my birthday so I get to choose.' I don't mean to sound ungrateful tapi aku letak quotation marks dekat celebrate because it didn't really feel like a celebration pun, no one bought me a cake, I had to buy myself one but I'm thankful to them for taking me out and to my brothers for the presents. Also, we had lots of fun.
Bila diaorang hantar aku balik bilik, aku terus rasa sedih. Ada banyak benda yang buat aku sedih: bergaduh dengan mak aku, Tally dah tak ada, I still don't have a companion, aku dah nak masuk 30 and I'm just a freaking student. Macam aku pernah cakap sebelum ni, aku senyum, buat lawak, gelak tapi Allah saja yang tahu perasaan aku. Tak ramai orang tahu pasal ni. I'm surrounded by people but I feel so lonely and empty. I've been living this way for so many years and it's been too long and I'm sick and tired of it. I just want someone to hold me and console me. Will I ever find that person or will I be alone for the rest of my life?
I try not to think of these things, I try to keep myself busy, I try to focus on other things but they're constantly at the back of my mind and there are constant reminders to remind me of these things. Sometimes, I just wanna scream and cry. I can't take it any more. Acting like I'm okay when I'm not. I know I have things other people don't have and wanna have like a family, friends, material things and I feel ungrateful, like what's wrong with me? Is it wrong though to ask for more? Also, when I met Tally, I thought he'd end my loneliness but I was sorely mistaken. I was so crushed and I still can't accept that maybe he's not the one.
