So, aku naik bas dua malam lepas, balik rumah untuk braces appointment, aku sampai rumah pagi semalam lepas tu aku naik bas malam tadi, balik campus dan aku sampai campus pagi ni. Aku duduk dekat rumah tak sampai sehari pun. Gila tak? Ramai orang terkejut bila aku bagi tahu diaorang pasal ni. Penat, sakit bahu tu tak payah cakaplah.
Anyway, masa aku naik bas, aku duduk bersendirian so aku ada banyak masa untuk reflect.
Of course, aku banyak fikir pasal Tally. By the way, hari tu kan aku save number dia so aku boleh tengok dia baca mesej aku dalam WhatsApp group kolej kitaorang tapi aku perasan lepas tu aku dah tak nampak dia baca mesej aku. Aku terfikir, takkan dia perasan aku save number dia kot sebab dia boleh nampak profile picture aku so dia saja tak buka WhatsApp atau dia block aku? Kalau betul lah dia block aku, apa yang aku buat sampai dia buat macam tu? Sebab aku nak berkawan dengan dia? It's not like aku sampai cari dia dekat fakulti dia ke apa.
Entahlah tapi makin lama, makin meluat aku dengan dia bila dia buat macam ni. Like, seriously? Orang cuma nak buat kawan dengan kau tapi kau push out orang? Fine. Have fun being alone. Don't complain about being lonely. I guess Duck was right all along. Dia tak berminat nak berkawan dengan aku even though you don't even know me, you don't even know if I could the best person you'd ever meet. You don't even try to get to know me, you shut me out before you even get to know me. Aku akan lagi sakit hati kalau aku dapat tahu dia okay saja dengan orang lain tapi dengan aku saja dia tak okay.
You're so difficult, man. The more I try to get close to you, the more you distance yourself from me. Kalau aku tak buat apa, aku tak tahu pula. Aku ada terfikir, is there anything I could've done differently that would lead to a different ending? Maybe I should've talked to you sooner or maybe we're never meant to be together. I'm trying with every fibre of my being to not let him go but I find myself slowly moving on. As much as I wanna be with you, I have to focus on myself too and other people.
Aku ada save profile picture Instagram dia (aku jumpa Instagram dia) dan setiap kali aku tengok gambar tu, aku rasa sebak, aku rasa macam menangis. I didn't see this coming. I thought, when I talked to you, it'd be the beginning of our friendship, I didn't think it'd be the ending of what potentially could blossom into a friendship. I wish you'd given me a chance to prove myself.
Aku pun tak tahulah kenapa kau tak berminat nak berkawan dengan aku. Sebab aku tak sekaya kau ke? Sebab aku tak tinggi? Tak kurus? Aku bukannya rasa tak worthy ke apa, aku cuma tertanya - tanya. Sebelum aku cakap dengan kau dulu, kau asyik pandang aku tapi lepas aku cakap dengan kau, kau macam mengelak daripada aku. Why? I guess I'll never know the answer, only you do.
PS Also, bila aku log in LinkedIn melalui app dia dekat phone, aku baru boleh nampak bila Tally last online dan dia active saja tapi dia tak balas pun mesej aku. Kiranya dia memang ignore akulah.
